Triggered by breastfeeding

Ah, OP, I really really feel for you.

This was more than 20 years ago for me..
I remember how much I wanted to breastfeed and how I persevered and persevered.

this was in a time when midwives visited every few days after the baby was born.. they were supportive of me trying to breastfeed, even though I didn’t feel I had much milk, DD was feeding (or at least latching) all the time, never settled, nappies never very wet. My boobs never got heavy, never leaked.

eventually, after about 3 weeks, the midwife very nicely told me they would need to take DD into hospital if I didn’t switch to a bottle as she had lost such a high percentage of her body weight. I was so upset and felt I’d left her down.

I look back on those early photos of DD like a tiny, scrawny, bawling chicken and can’t believe I didn’t see it myself.

I gave her the formula. She settled down, immediately became pinker, happier, and got back onto the correct growth pattern.

thank god for formula, I felt so awful that I put her through that…

suffice to say, it’s a distant memory, and you are doing what is right for your child. Anyone who judges can do one 💕💕💕

@Mummydust , Professor Amy Brown has a book called 'Why Breastfeeding Grief and Trauma Matter' which may help you in processing your feelings. No personal experience myself but hopefully it helps.

But it's not just some peoples opinions. It's her own opinion and feelings of loss that make other opinions weigh so heavily.

She is literally grieving the loss of the experience of breastfeeding. It's a real thing. Of course other people judging her for something she's already upset about is going to hurt.

Also it's people in positions of power, healthcare providers who push breastfeeding all through pregnancy that gives you the judge face when they ask if you breast feed and you have to say no. Expecting a vulnerable new mum to just be oblivious to other people's judgement compounding her own feelings of failure, when those judgements come from people in positions of power is just shitty.

Expressing is SO hard. I BF but when I did try to express I was barely able to express more than a drop. Some women’s boobs just won’t respond to a pump. If my daughter hadn’t latched, no way would I have been able to breastfeed. It’s great that your baby got the colostrum, and this won’t harm her long term. You tried your best and your feelings are totally valid. But they will reduce in time.

A very wise man said to me (albeit about a different thing) “the ideal is sometimes the enemy”. He meant that sometimes we hold ourselves to such standards, have such perfect images in our heads, that it becomes oppressive. Could that be what is happening here? Your feelings are valid and it’s important to recognise there is sadness at times as well as joy in being a mother. It’s still really raw and recent for you, so be kind to yourself. You did the best you could in the circumstances, which is all anyone can ever do. You put aside your own feelings in order to make the right choices for your baby. I’d have done the same, no question. Sending hugs.

People judge either way.

I left a baby group in tears 5 years ago after being instructed to breastfeed my baby in a corner in case it upset the other mums who were all bottle feeding - one very loudly proclaimed "they only do it to feel better about themselves" 🙄 My mil asked also asked, to my face, "don't you just feel like a cow though?" Imagine the response I wanted to give!!

@Mummydust You are feeling very deeply about this and you have every right to. I hope you can see through the fog though, that you are doing an amazing job and that your baby is so lucky to have a mum who cares this deeply about them. Xx

No one is saying change society my point is get some perspective for how, if people are judging her, they aren’t worth the time of day. Yes being a new mum is hard but even children know this, I would expect a grown woman, even a PP one, to realise some opinions just aren’t worth a moment’s consideration

I get it, OP. My situation is similar to yours. My baby is 13 months old now and thriving in every aspect. I tried my best. I pumped and pumped every 2 hours round the clock. It broke me. I didn’t even take into consideration the option that I won’t be able to breastfeed. It still triggers me. It will probably trigger me for a v long time and I’m starting to accept it. I felt useless and robbed. Sending hugs. It will get better. I know this is not what you want to hear - but a connection with the baby has v little to do with breastfeeding. You are an amazing mother, regardless.

Why? As in why do you have such a strong desire to breast feed? You said your baby is absolutely perfect, she is being fed, you can still bond whilst feeding so why the upset it’s not by breast?

"Nobody is judging you for how you feed" and "people who judge women for how they feed are losers and we should take no notice of these clowns" are two very different things. The first one is just not true. The second one is a tall order for a new mum who is upset about not having the breast feeding journey she wanted. It's the age old ignore the bullies approach, she shouldn't have to be strong enough to ignore the way society acts around infant feeding whilst BB at her most vulnerable. It's not her responsibility to change society right now.

You may call it tough love but it just comes across as cold.

I understand how you are feeling op. I really struggled to breastfeed both my children. My nipples were bleeding and every time they latched on it was so painful. I just couldn't get the latch right with either of them. I tried pumping, nipple shields etc but it just got all too difficult. Then I switched to fully formula fed and that's when my mental health was much worse as both were reflux babies. The stress and obsession of ounces, bottle refusals, pain when feeding (for them) was awful. I had post natal anxiety and would catastrophise that they would stop feeding altogether, need tube fed etc. Of course both of them were absolutely fine, both put on weight well. They did have pain when feeding (especially my oldest) but it is common and I made it in a bigger deal in my head. The problem is when you're on maternity your baby is all you think about. You loose perspective and they are your whole world. They moved onto solids and everything calmed down (though I still have anxiety). I guess what I saying is your feelings are normal and valid and they will pass.

I felt very much the same way. I can completely understand where you're coming from and its a horrible kind of grief that rips you up inside. You're mourning the experience that you didn't get to have and that's fair enough. Theres not enough support out there for this kind of thing.
It will get better though, you will get through it. Give yourself some time and grace. It won't always feel as intense as it does right now.

I think I might have felt something similar with my first born, such grief at being unable to feed her in the way I wanted to. I had such high hopes that I would breast feed and felt the weight of judgement (or what I perceived at the time to be judgement) of formula feeding her. When I couldn’t even pump more than 20ml…and she wouldn’t even latch (in hindsight, I just didn’t have any milk!). I really hated the thought of formula and it ruining such a pre planned experience that I felt I was owed. I don’t think that anything anyone really says can change that feeling and it’s super emotional and difficult to explain to other people. I felt it was difficult to even convey it properly to my super supportive husband.

I did breast feed my second child, the only reason I mention this is because it gave me some clarity around the awful feelings I experienced with my first child. Breast feeding can be super complicated to initiate and often it just can’t happen (loads of reasons). The biggest lie that we are told as expectant mothers, is that it’s just about the latch or the amount you pump - how much you persist and push through pain (emotional / mental / physical). Now I realise, I couldn’t do it with my first because for me, my body was in tatters with blood loss - but I just wasn’t willing to sit and actually think about that at the time & what it probably meant for my body and milk production.

I think in truth you have to deal with it the same way as grieving anything, it’s stages and acceptance, let things move forward naturally and accept that you’ll feel lots of different emotions as time moves on.

One thing to remember though, is that nobody else really cares very much how you feed your baby (I really don’t mean that harshly, it’s meant to try remove any paranoia about how you feed your baby). Most people are completely caught up in themselves and their own lives. The majority of people that are desperate to tell you formula feeding is XYZ are often just wanting to validate their own experience of breast feeding. It’s 100% true that you have to feed your baby something to survive and neither is more ‘important’ than the other. Both healthy and both valid. Try be kind to yourself xx

Ah OP I was you 9 years ago … struggled to breastfeed my DS who was massively unhappy because he wasn’t getting any/enough milk … persevered for 2 weeks while he lost weight and we had to do formula top ups … got more and more stressed about it until DH sat me down and said look you do realise you don’t have to do this? My mental health got sooooo much better almost immediately but I did feel a lot of guilt, especially as every other member of my NCT group managed to breastfeed.

DS is now a happy, healthy 9 year old with an amazing immune system, and it doesn’t matter a jot. What you’re feeling now will just fade and fade.

Yeah and people who actually judge women for how they feed a baby are losers who don’t deserve our time of day. Some people still think women shouldn’t be in the workplace. Let’s take a collective approach to take no notice of these clowns.

OP, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I echo some of the previous comments. It’s totally okay to feel sadness about BF not working out, it’s something you wanted, imagined and hoped for. Your feelings are totally valid.

I truly understand as this was exactly the situation with my first baby. It was so hard. I promise it gets easier, your baby is happy and healthy and this is one TINY part of being a mum, and you are clearly a wonderful mum! With my second baby I was so scarred by my experience first time that I formula fed from day 1 and it was actually much better for my mental health. Baby number 3 I did some expressing but he was fully formula fed very quickly and honestly now I can say I genuinely feel at peace with my decision.

If you think it would help to talk through your feelings with someone professionally, send me a PM, I know someone excellent who can do a 1 off session online. (Some may feel this is OTT but if you think it’s something you’d benefit from do let me know). Take care, you’re doing amazingly.

Some people will judge though (all
the way through parenthood), so it’s a good idea to get into a mindset where you don’t care what they think and don’t feel the need to justify yourself and decisions you made in good faith for your baby.

Sorry to read your OP. You might benefit from talking therapy to get over your legitimately sad feelings.

Breastfeeding can be a wonderful experience it’s true but not for everyone and that includes, sadly, you.

As others have said, it’s a drop in the ocean of parenting but maybe talking to someone will help you get past your feelings of sorrow and inadequacy, find perspective, and help you celebrate the positive aspects of your baby and look to the future.

Having said that - we all need to STOP feeling guilty over perfectly acceptable and reasonable decisions. Us women have enough on our plates (I count myself in this)

I want to give you a huge hug OP - it feels like a big deal now but honestly watching my youngest 2 (7 and 10 years) currently fighting over a pebble in the garden and I can hand on heart tell you this won't be a huge deal for very long.
I can also hand on heart tell you that I breast fed my oldest for 10 days and he cried non stop unless I also gave him a bottle which was actually undiagnosed reflux, and my other 3 babies I breastfed for more than 2 years and they are all as healthy and intelligent as each other so all in all it made very little difference. Xxx

Also if it helps - I persevered with DD through breastfeeding, through a shallow latch and weight loss and cluster feeding and a feeling like my nipples were being sliced a machete. I persevered, and struggled, and cried, and lost sleep and felt like shit….I wish I hadn’t bothered. She’s 11 now and o SO regret putting so much energy into it rather than just enjoying my baby. I’ll never get those newborn cuddles back, I spent SO much time fretting when I should have just bit the bullet, switched to formula and enjoyed her. I hate that I did that.

You made the hard decision to put your own wants and needs (to breastfeed) aside and do what was best for your child (to make sure they ate) - welcome to motherhood. It’s beautiful and never quite exactly what you imagined. That’s the magic.

Tell yourself ten times a day how you did the right thing to make sure your child was healthy. How can you feel guilty about that? There can be no guilt with a healthy happy child. A fed child is one you can bond with. A fed child is beautiful. You care for your child, you love your child and put their needs first.

Say it as often as will help. It’s all true. Get fierce with it. If someone asks if they’re breast or bottle fed proudly tell them “my baby is fed and I’m overjoyed at the privilege to watch them grow more every day.”

Really, what else matters?

I’m gonna take the tough love approach OP.

In the nicest way, you need to get a grip. Nobody is judging you for how you feed - it’s just a question, no one really cares. The only person judging you is yourself, and your confirmation bias is convincing you they’re judging you too. It’s in your power to stop your judgement.

As someone who has 2 older children, I can tell you that how you feed them in infancy is a mere drop in the ocean of the many decisions you make in their lives, and is so far down on the list of what’s actually important, it’s barely worth giving a second thought about. There will be SO many more tougher decisions to come that impact their lives, that one day looking back at how you fed them will pale into obscurity.

And remember that the women you see breastfeeding haven’t necessarily had a wonderful ‘perfect’ journey (BTW it’s not healthy to aim to be a perfect parent it’s impossible and unrealistic and will only disappoint you) - they may be sitting there going through hell, or worrying about their own issues with feeding, or hating every second, or have a baby who won’t take a bottle. We all have our crosses to bear, and there will be someone somewhere gazing at you with envy too.

I was in the exact same boat for both my daughters. I felt much worse the second time because I was convinced that this time I would get it right etc but the same problems occurred with breastfeeding and I had to stop. I was so, so, so low about it and I had lots of obsessive thoughts about breastfeeding too. Lots of tears. It was a bad time, but 100% the feelings lessen and now my daughters are 5 and 18 months and I wonder what I was so worried and upset about? There is so much pressure to breastfeed and actually the benefits are small, and it's true what they say: when you see your little one in school with all their friends, you really can't tell the difference!! Plus, as time goes on you get caught up in your child's development and forget about those early months anyway. And there are benefits to bottle feeding too!! Hope you feel better soon OP