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Original poster

No show for bday celebration

158 replies

Testingmypatience1 · 16/04/2025 13:28

I need to know if I am being unreasonable.

I was 40 last weekend. I had a drinks party followed by a relaxed sit down meal ( bowl foods) and invited 35/40 friends. Everyone turned up (and it was a great night) but one person.
This one person has been a friend of mine for 15 years or so.

She didn’t message me to say she wasn’t coming on the night, she just didn’t turn up. I haven’t heard from her since either. I am pretty gutted. And hurt.

Fast forward to this Easter weekend, she has her own party, an annual thing she hosts.

She still hasn’t contacted me, so I got in contact with her to check she was okay, and to say I was upset that she didn’t come for my birthday. She basically gave a half arsed apology saying she was too busy and had so much going on. A non apology really.

I don’t know whether to go on Saturday or am I being petty?

Her reply has made me feel worse somehow. Like her life is far too important to fit me in… and I am reevaluating the friendship now. wwyd?

OP posts:
Hastentoadd · 16/04/2025 14:42

Testingmypatience1 · 16/04/2025 14:36

I would be sad for it to completely end. But I am fed up that she didn’t show up and didn’t even text me. I don’t think my expectations are sky high.

Edited
Show quote history

No, they aren’t at all and her reason for not going were very poor
I think I would go to the party for a little bit ( leave early) as otherwise it might be seen as petty and point scoring but I would be seriously considering cooling off on the friendship after that

Original poster
Testingmypatience1 · 16/04/2025 14:40

I guess I do value the friendship or I just wouldn’t bother going on Saturday. The fact I am worrying shows I probably do care about maintaining the friendship.

I just don’t want to feel like a pushover.

maybe I should go, there might be more to this, pp are right. I will be able to see her and speak to her in person, assess then if she understands it is hurtful not to show up/message me and she needs to do better.

OP posts:
JudasTree · 16/04/2025 14:40

Testingmypatience1 · 16/04/2025 14:29

Bowl food is lots of different types of hot food that comes out, so not a large main course. Just hot chicken or salad etc. It’s much more relaxed.

Just to be clear I am not point scoring. I only want to go to the party if I am not feeling quietly cross with her, I don’t want there to be tension. I am not sure if I am being overly sensitive or not. Being busy is kind of insulting isn’t it? We are all busy.

Show quote history

Yes, but you’re the only one who can determine whether you will spend her party feeling ‘quietly cross’ or not! As a few pps have said, it may be that she’s not comfortable discussing something going on. I suppose it comes down to whether you value the friendship.

Original poster
Testingmypatience1 · 16/04/2025 14:36

Hastentoadd · 16/04/2025 14:35

What does this friendship bring to your life?
Is it worth maintaining it

Show quote history

I would be sad for it to completely end. But I am fed up that she didn’t show up and didn’t even text me. I don’t think my expectations are sky high.

OP posts:
Hastentoadd · 16/04/2025 14:35

Testingmypatience1 · 16/04/2025 14:29

Bowl food is lots of different types of hot food that comes out, so not a large main course. Just hot chicken or salad etc. It’s much more relaxed.

Just to be clear I am not point scoring. I only want to go to the party if I am not feeling quietly cross with her, I don’t want there to be tension. I am not sure if I am being overly sensitive or not. Being busy is kind of insulting isn’t it? We are all busy.

Show quote history

What does this friendship bring to your life?
Is it worth maintaining it

Original poster
Testingmypatience1 · 16/04/2025 14:34

ginasevern · 16/04/2025 14:23

So the obvious question is why the hell do you value her friendship so much? She sounds self absorbed and not particularly nice.

Show quote history

She is really nice and an interesting person. We have shared a kids growing up etc together. There is a lot of history. I do like her. She does have a busy life and a full on job, she can also forget there are other things going on the world/with her friends sometimes. I’m wouldn’t say she is the most considerate person but has other qualities.

OP posts:
Twinkletoes10 · 16/04/2025 14:33

I wouldn't go, she has completely disregarded your feelings and didn't even have the decency to let you know she wouldn't be there. Give her a taste of her own medicine. It will also signal that you aren't a pushover.

DenholmElliot11 · 16/04/2025 14:33

It would be really rude to pull out of an Easter Saturday party at this late stage so yes, I think you should go.

Original poster
Testingmypatience1 · 16/04/2025 14:29

Bernadinetta · 16/04/2025 14:07

Not the point, but what is bowl food? 🤔

Bowl food is lots of different types of hot food that comes out, so not a large main course. Just hot chicken or salad etc. It’s much more relaxed.

Just to be clear I am not point scoring. I only want to go to the party if I am not feeling quietly cross with her, I don’t want there to be tension. I am not sure if I am being overly sensitive or not. Being busy is kind of insulting isn’t it? We are all busy.

OP posts:
ginasevern · 16/04/2025 14:23

Testingmypatience1 · 16/04/2025 14:07

She does have form for being quite self absorbed. She is always the centre of attention which I have never minded. I was embarrassed she didn’t turn up, and more so because other friends did notice.

She basically said she was too busy?’ What kind of excuse is that? It’s really crap. We are always expected to show up for her, but it’s rarely reciprocated and she did the same thing to a mutual friend of ours a few years ago.

So the obvious question is why the hell do you value her friendship so much? She sounds self absorbed and not particularly nice.

IberianBird · 16/04/2025 14:17

TBH OP. This really wouldn't bother me. I got married a few weeks ago and there were a few people that didn't show up despite RSVP. You know what, it's ok. Sometimes life just happens. We still had an amazing celebration, their non appearance didn't change anything.
And yes, they are still our friends/family and we would still attend any events they are hosting. I don't keep score in our friendships.

PrincessOfPreschool · 16/04/2025 14:16

If her party will be fun and other friends there then go. If it's just her that you know and you're in a mood/ won't have a good time with her, don't go. But just because you don't enjoy it, not to 'her back at her'.

I do think she was rude but it could be some thing's going on that she's not ready to talk about. I don't believe in the whole tit for tat thing, (you didn't come to my party so I'm not going to yours) which is primary school behaviour.

Hastentoadd · 16/04/2025 14:16

Testingmypatience1 · 16/04/2025 14:07

She does have form for being quite self absorbed. She is always the centre of attention which I have never minded. I was embarrassed she didn’t turn up, and more so because other friends did notice.

She basically said she was too busy?’ What kind of excuse is that? It’s really crap. We are always expected to show up for her, but it’s rarely reciprocated and she did the same thing to a mutual friend of ours a few years ago.

Don’t bother going, she doesn’t deserve your friendship

madaboutpurple · 16/04/2025 14:13

As yet you don't know her reasons. I would wait until you next meet up, just the two of you. It might have been an important issue was happening and she didn't want to spoil your event.

LittleMonks11 · 16/04/2025 14:12

Olives and nuts

mindutopia · 16/04/2025 14:10

Bernadinetta · 16/04/2025 14:07

Not the point, but what is bowl food? 🤔

Like crisps and dips.

mindutopia · 16/04/2025 14:09

Do you want to go to her Easter party?

It’s shit what she’s done, yes. If it’s the first time she’s ever done something like this, I’d be inclined to give her some grace. It’s horribly rude, but we sometimes we don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes and maybe she’s downplaying whatever it is that really happened.

Do you actually want to go to her party and continue the friendship? If you do, then go. I wouldn’t be overjoyed to see her, but I’d make the most of time with other friends. If you don’t want to go and feel like the friendship is irretrievably damaged, just send your apologies. Me personally, I would let her know how upset you were now. Get it out in the air. Don’t take it all with you if you decide to go.

LittleMonks11 · 16/04/2025 14:09

If something was going on she could have messaged to say happy birthday so sorry I can’t make your big bash - let’s catch up soon. She didn’t bother. Did she send you an invite to her Easter party or just ask you when you messaged her? It sounds like she trying to fade you out. I’d just move on. You’ve got lots of other friends by the sounds of it.

Original poster
Testingmypatience1 · 16/04/2025 14:08

Condensedmilkdrinker · 16/04/2025 14:05

Did she even wish you a happy birthday on the actual day you turned 40? Not messaging you to explain why she was a no show prior to your party is inexcusable.

No she didn’t. Not a word.

OP posts:
Bernadinetta · 16/04/2025 14:07

Not the point, but what is bowl food? 🤔

Original poster
Testingmypatience1 · 16/04/2025 14:07

She does have form for being quite self absorbed. She is always the centre of attention which I have never minded. I was embarrassed she didn’t turn up, and more so because other friends did notice.

She basically said she was too busy?’ What kind of excuse is that? It’s really crap. We are always expected to show up for her, but it’s rarely reciprocated and she did the same thing to a mutual friend of ours a few years ago.

OP posts:
grumpygrape · 16/04/2025 14:06

If a friend of mine didn’t turn up for my birthday celebration I would have been on the phone the next day asking if she was OK. But then, I‘m a dinosaur who thinks, phone, before, passive aggressive, wait for a text.

Go to her party and see how things pan out.

Condensedmilkdrinker · 16/04/2025 14:05

Did she even wish you a happy birthday on the actual day you turned 40? Not messaging you to explain why she was a no show prior to your party is inexcusable.

HuffleMyPuffle · 16/04/2025 14:03

That sounds like code for something else was going on and she doesn't want to dicuss it yet/via text

I also don't believe in tit for tat "you didn't come to my party so I'm not coming to yours"

angelinawasrobbed · 16/04/2025 14:02

I’d tread carefully, in case she was struggling with something (infidelity? aged parent illness?) which she just wasn’t ready to talk about when you contacted her - hence the bland nothings instead. If you’ve had a good, long, truly mutual friendship in the past, she surely deserves the benefit of the doubt until more
becomes clear?

(I had part of a breast removed and didn’t tell family or friends until afterwards. Just wanted to retreat to my lair and lick
my wounds till it was over)