No show for bday celebration

I have decided not to go, and have accepted another invite. You are right, we choose the way people treat us, and I am choosing to be treated with a modicum of respect and care.

@Testingmypatience1 I think you’ve made a wise decision. Completely agree - focus your time and energy on the many decent friends you have instead.

I wouldn’t be able to go and paste a smile on my face either nor would I see the value in that. It doesn’t really tackle the underlying disrespect in her actions and it would feel fake to me.

Sounds like you have a busy social calendar - enjoy the other event you go to!

I wouldn’t go either and give her a taste of it felt. Don’t let her know you’re not coming.

Op she was rude not to attend/not to text you she couldn’t make it / not to be more empathetic when you called to ask her about no showing. That’s 3 times she could have been a better friend. You had a wonderful birthday party with many friends there and sounds like delicious highly varied food. Your friends who did attend are likely to say….OPs party was great so much fun! She will hear about it. For me I would attend Sunday greet her cordially thank her for the invite and then enjoy everyone else there. And becuse I’m petty by MN standards i would be sure I look absolutely fabulous and have a great time

Fuck that, don’t go. Put the same amount of effort in that she does…..zero

I don’t think these are very big problems to have.

you can work the solution out by yourself. If you can’t, it doesn’t matter.

best of luck!

Oh that’s called bowl food is it. Mini portions of things. For some reason I was imagining everyone with a bowl of ramen or cereal. How is that a sit down meal though as you said in your OP?

I wouldn't go either. I've been in your shoes, and it's so hurtful. I also agree with you that she probably wouldn't notice/ care if you didn't show anyway. Not trying to make you feel worse! I think the fact you had to contact her about her no show says it all really, she could have at least made up an excuse and let you know, that in itself is extremely rude.

And for the people saying this is why people have no friends, I think if anything -
that should be directed at OPs friend who was a no-show for a milestone birthday party , didn’t proactively get in touch to apologise and generally sounds self-centred.

You don’t need to cling on to disrespectful people just to say you have friends - and OP appears to have a very large friendship circle anyway. She can focus on those friends!

I have a large number of solid friendships but I’ve let my fair share of friendships fade over the years with zero regrets. Insisting on reciprocity and having standards with friends will not automatically lead to being friendless.

Exalt. Having only just expressed your disappointment to her, it would be screamingly obvious that you hadn't turned up out of pettiness.

You're better than that. Even if it's the last time you see her, go to the party and be the better person. Have fun with the rest of your friends and banish the peevishness.

OP personally I wouldn’t go. This will be a good way to figure out if she thinks she’s better than you. I had a childhood mate who would forget my birthday most years for decades, but seemed to expect me to remember hers and even her kids. One year I decided not to bother acknowledging hers or her kids which are all during April /May. I was operating on the premise that if she doesn’t bother to remember my birthday half the time, she can’t be that fussed about birthdays.

Well she took great offence and I’ve not heard from her since and I am pretty sure that must be the reason why !

I don’t care if it seems petty to others because for me it was necessary to find out what our friendship was about. And apparently it was about me contributing 80% of the effort so when I pulled back to match her effort the friendship was dead.

It’s actually an huge insult if someone treats you in a certain way and is nonchalant about it, but then gets super offended when they receive the same treatment. They’re effectively telling you they deserve better than what you deserve.

I’m very glad I seen it for what it was and we can now go our separate ways. So yeah OP I wouldn’t attend.

This is why so many people on here have no friends.

There’s countless threads where people don’t want to attend things and everyone tells them
not to go.

Why are you giving her more thought than she gave you, choose not too and move on, is it helping you to overthink this?

I would be hurt if a close friend did not show up but did not even send a a texr to apologise.

Only one person not coming is a huge turn out. Yabu not to understand others have things going on that don’t revolve around you.

You sound very sensitive OP- why were you embarrassed the friend didn't turn up and why have you interpreted it as 'disrespect'

It was a largish event. I doubt most people even noticed her absence. If it was an intimate dinner then I'd see your point but don't you always expect a few no-shows at any larger gathering?

lol 😂 @Notashamed13

That's me 😂

I have a friend like that and she has actually helped in emergency situations like when I needed someone to stay with for a couple of months when my new tenancy move in date was delayed.

I know she’s also helped people when their mental health has been in crisis - like threatening suicide levels.

It is good she’s there for people in extreme circumstances but I have to say I very much value friends who are not just there for me in crises, but also when it comes to more mundane matters or every day conversation. With friendship often it’s the little things!

She is the type to reply 2 months later to a text and it gets tedious and hard to keep in touch. I feel like it shouldn’t take an emergency to get some friendly chat but I guess everyone is different so I don’t class her as a bad friend. She does show up in her own way.

That's why its hard to explain.....I guess my long standing people know my worth.....its not about being asked to do anything in a crisis....its about being there for it......

That's really rude of her. I wouldn't count her as a friend any longer.

I'm just asking because I've heard it said by others on here that they would help in a crisis but don't reply to messages or answer the phone.

But if a person doesn't reply to me for months or even years, it wouldn't occur to me to ask them for help in a crisis!

I struggle to cope with daily life as well, by the way. But I've probably hit the point where I am useless to anyone else. But they have tons of people to rely on so it doesn't matter really.

Anyway @Testingmypatience1 , I agree that it's brilliant you had so many people at your 40th but I do understand why you're annoyed about this and it doesn't sound good to me. Your gut is telling you not to go so don't go.

If she's a friend I wouldn't really give it much thought. All your other friends came, only having one who couldn't is a good thing. It seems quite petty to be going on about it.

I genuinely don't have any need for people....social media...constant contact.....I've got some kind of ND (undiagnosed) and literally all my efforts go into my daily life and child......I'm not selfish, I am doing me as best I can..... like I said its hard to explain.....people are not all the same.

Honestly, in your shoes, I’d let it go. As a pp said 34/35 is a really good showing, if it is really needling you, and you feel you can’t show up in good spirits to her party, don’t go. But I wouldn’t make it an ‘on principle’ thing.

People have a lot going on, some of which they don’t share, and personally I feel this social shock and ‘very rude’ comments just fuel an expectation that you MUST attend even if you know you’re in bad form, had a shocker of a work week, or are feeling a bit off for whatever reason. You like this person, who sounds interesting and good company, and I hope you’d a lovely time despite her absence. I’ve become a lot more forgiving over time, and the friends who were longterm flakes have winnowed themselves out from the friends who have an occasional bad day - not on the basis of one no-show but on drift over time.