Page 2 | No show for bday celebration

Testingmypatience1 · 2025-04-16T12:28:47+00:00

I need to know if I am being unreasonable. I was 40 last weekend. I had a drinks party followed by a relaxed sit down meal ( bowl foods) and invited 35/40 friends. Everyone turned up (and it was a great night) but one person. This one person has been a friend of mine for 15 years or so. She didn’t message me to say she wasn’t coming on the night, she just didn’t turn up. I haven’t heard from her since either. I am pretty gutted. And hurt. Fast forward to this Easter weekend, she has her own party, an annual thing she hosts. She still hasn’t contacted me, so I got in contact with her to check she was okay, and to say I was upset that she didn’t come for my birthday. She basically gave a half arsed apology saying she was too busy and had so much going on. A non apology really. I don’t know whether to go on Saturday or am I being petty? Her reply has made me feel worse somehow. Like her life is far too important to fit me in… and I am reevaluating the friendship now. wwyd?

Mary46 · 17/04/2025 22:35

Not nice op. People flaky now. I would suit yourself going forward.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/04/2025 21:59

Not going o a milestone bday that you've said you will go to is very mean. If she didnt fancy it she should have RSVPed no

Whynotaxthisyear · 17/04/2025 21:36

FWIW I just had a belated birthday card from an old friend: ‘Sorry it’s late, I have no excuse.’
It made me laugh. Some people are useless at recognising that friends parties matter to them. If your friend has other lovely qualities I’d just go and enjoy her event.

Kardamyli2 · 17/04/2025 20:48

I wouldn't go to her party, but if she's as self absorbed as you say she might not even notice.

Wonderberry · 17/04/2025 20:45

Yanbu, RSVPing and not turning up is very rude. As a minimum, she should have sent a message apologising.

It's great that the other 35-40 did turn up though! I went to one 40th and 3/4 of the guest list did not attend. It meant a very empty venue and was quite sad.

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 17/04/2025 20:38

Testingmypatience1 · 16/04/2025 14:34

She is really nice and an interesting person. We have shared a kids growing up etc together. There is a lot of history. I do like her. She does have a busy life and a full on job, she can also forget there are other things going on the world/with her friends sometimes. I’m wouldn’t say she is the most considerate person but has other qualities.

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You had a party that 35 - 40 people turned up to and you had a great time. I’d say that’s good enough, focus on that?

One person who has a history of being a little self - absorbed didn’t turn up. Personally, I’d let it go and accept that everyone is different. I’m not perfect, you’re not perfect and neither is your friend. Such is life.

You’ve told her how you feel. She’s apologised. You like loads of other things about her. Accept her flaws and all. Go to her party and enjoy yourself. Life is too short for seething at Easter parties

Original poster

Testingmypatience1 · 17/04/2025 19:37

Batteredcodmushypeasandafalafal · 17/04/2025 19:17

At my 40th over half didn't turn up and didn't message either. Made me feel down for ages.

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I am so sorry that happened to you. There is just no excuse for that. If they couldn’t come, fine, they should have had the good grace to let you know.

It’s helpful to know who your real friends are, and better to find out at a birthday event rather than a bereavement.

OP posts:

Batteredcodmushypeasandafalafal · 17/04/2025 19:17

Testingmypatience1 · 17/04/2025 19:12

Yes I did, because I am not going to be that person. I wished her a happy Easter and a fun party. I am not going to cause any bad feeling, but I don’t consider her to be a friend of mine any longer.

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At my 40th over half didn't turn up and didn't message either. Made me feel down for ages.

Alacartemenu · 17/04/2025 19:17

Very hurtful! a text to say 'happy birthday, can't make it to the party unfortunately, something has come up' doesn't take 30 seconds.

Hastentoadd · 17/04/2025 19:15

Testingmypatience1 · 17/04/2025 19:12

Yes I did, because I am not going to be that person. I wished her a happy Easter and a fun party. I am not going to cause any bad feeling, but I don’t consider her to be a friend of mine any longer.

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Did she respond

susiedaisy1912 · 17/04/2025 19:14

*Present not press

susiedaisy1912 · 17/04/2025 19:13

She has shown you where you stand in her life op, ok she might have been busy or felt unwell on your party night but an apology and a card or press in the post a few days should have been the bare minimum if she is a good friend. I would slowly phase her out and move on with your life, tbh I bet she wouldn’t even notice if she’s self absorbed like you say. As the saying goes some people are only in your life for part of the journey not the whole thing.

Original poster

Testingmypatience1 · 17/04/2025 19:12

Hastentoadd · 17/04/2025 19:09

Have you informed her you will not be going, it will be interesting to hear her response or will she just not respond

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Yes I did, because I am not going to be that person. I wished her a happy Easter and a fun party. I am not going to cause any bad feeling, but I don’t consider her to be a friend of mine any longer.

OP posts:

Hastentoadd · 17/04/2025 19:09

Testingmypatience1 · 17/04/2025 18:57

Exactly. The translation I received was that you are not in any way important to me, and not even worthy of a text after 15 years of friendship. It has really hurt me.

The no show was one thing, the dismissive tone and indifference after I had to follow up with HER was the dealbreaker for me.

Have you informed her you will not be going, it will be interesting to hear her response or will she just not respond

Original poster

Testingmypatience1 · 17/04/2025 19:03

I can’t help being born 40 years ago as it just happens to be Easter!

I am afraid she does have form for this and I have had enough.

OP posts:

BanditsWife · 17/04/2025 19:01

Maybe she’s annoyed you scheduled a party the weekend before her regular Easter do? I don’t think that’s a good enough reason not to come and not to let you know, but it’s a thought.

Personally I wouldn’t throw away a friendship over this issue. If it becomes a pattern or there’s other stuff that would be different.

Original poster

Testingmypatience1 · 17/04/2025 18:57

Exactly. The translation I received was that you are not in any way important to me, and not even worthy of a text after 15 years of friendship. It has really hurt me.

The no show was one thing, the dismissive tone and indifference after I had to follow up with HER was the dealbreaker for me.

OP posts:

asrl78 · 17/04/2025 18:52

"She basically gave a half arsed apology saying she was too busy and had so much going on."

TRANSLATION: I couldn't be bothered and this is one of the standard politically correct alternative phrases for this case.

Pennypupadventures · 17/04/2025 18:35

If it’s the first time she’s done something like this I would forgive and forget. Go to the party and enjoy yourself.

Imbusytodaysorry · 17/04/2025 18:23

@Testingmypatience1 sorry op she is NOTa friend . Your big day and not even a “happy birthday “
She can’t stand anything not being about her .
That would be it for me . She had shown you where you stand . .

Mary46 · 17/04/2025 13:48

Yes op suit yourself. Am def finding people so flaky lately.. even a film or a play will they show up so I just go myself to things now

Original poster

Testingmypatience1 · 17/04/2025 13:34

JudasTree · 17/04/2025 11:55

Or has something going on in her life that is consuming her but which she’s not ready to talk about yet. The OP had what sounds like a great party with literally everyone else she invited showing up — it wasn’t ruined by one friend’s absence. And everyone is, and should be, ‘self-centred’. What else would you be centred on?

’Insisting on reciprocity’ is just tit for tat, a juvenile way of relating to other people for those with a poor grasp on human relations. And surely you don’t generally consider how to behave towards your friends based on ‘Will I be friendless if I drop X?’

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I don’t think she would be going ahead with an Easter party and all of the other things she is doing happily if she was dealing with something ‘all consuming’? Nor can I second guess that issues she has unless she tells me. She hasn’t even alluded to that, just that she has been busy.

We had a sudden death of a parent a few years ago, and we still managed to let our friends know we wouldn’t be there for dinner. It took two seconds to message them, but then I am not the kind of person that thinks it is okay to let friends down and not bother even contacting them.

Also given she didn’t show, she could have been one of many for all she knew. I did have a lovely evening no thanks to her efforts or lack of. I have no issue whatsoever of people cancelling. Life happens. I have never minded, and factor it into my planning usually. But they do need to let me know - yes. If I have been generous enough to invite them in the first place.

OP posts:

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 17/04/2025 12:23

I suspect you won’t get a satisfying answer from her, she’s done it before and she’ll do it again. She’s just that kind of person.

Myluckyday · 17/04/2025 12:10

JudasTree · 17/04/2025 11:55

Or has something going on in her life that is consuming her but which she’s not ready to talk about yet. The OP had what sounds like a great party with literally everyone else she invited showing up — it wasn’t ruined by one friend’s absence. And everyone is, and should be, ‘self-centred’. What else would you be centred on?

’Insisting on reciprocity’ is just tit for tat, a juvenile way of relating to other people for those with a poor grasp on human relations. And surely you don’t generally consider how to behave towards your friends based on ‘Will I be friendless if I drop X?’

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@JudasTree Surely you know the implications of what being self centred is and the fact if someone is described as that, it means they are particularly more self absorbed and less considerate of others than most/to an extreme degree.

One dictionary definition of it is :
” concerned solely with one's own desires, needs, or interests” HTH.

OP has also alluded the fact that this woman had a pattern of behaving like this. If she has something going on that means she’s not able to RSVP or at least apologise for missing her friends event but yet she can carry on hosting her own events, it’s a bit strange and very convenient to say the least.

At any rate OP can’t read this persons mind , if she has chosen not to communicate openly about any issues, that’s up to her. However she has to accept the consequences of OP drawing reasonable conclusions from her actions and acting accordingly which in this case is not attending her party.

And surely you don’t generally consider how to behave towards your friends based on ‘Will I be friendless if I drop X?

You’ve taken that out of context. The reason I alluded to that is because some posters have suggested that OP’s proposed suggestion of not attending the party is the reason why some MNetters complain about being friendless.

And my point was that A. No it’s not - if anything OP’s friends disrespectful behaviour which is more likely to lead to being friendless and B. OP has a lot of friends anyway at age 40, so it’s unlikely this will lead to her being friendless.

Nah it’s actually very normal and reasonable for anyone with a grain of self respect to expect reciprocity in friendships.

I’m just glad Op seems to have drawn similar conclusions about the lack of respect her friend had shown and won’t be attending the event. Always good to spend your time and energy where it’s clearly valued,
wanted and respected!

JudasTree · 17/04/2025 11:55

Myluckyday · 16/04/2025 22:47

And for the people saying this is why people have no friends, I think if anything -
that should be directed at OPs friend who was a no-show for a milestone birthday party , didn’t proactively get in touch to apologise and generally sounds self-centred.

You don’t need to cling on to disrespectful people just to say you have friends - and OP appears to have a very large friendship circle anyway. She can focus on those friends!

I have a large number of solid friendships but I’ve let my fair share of friendships fade over the years with zero regrets. Insisting on reciprocity and having standards with friends will not automatically lead to being friendless.

Or has something going on in her life that is consuming her but which she’s not ready to talk about yet. The OP had what sounds like a great party with literally everyone else she invited showing up — it wasn’t ruined by one friend’s absence. And everyone is, and should be, ‘self-centred’. What else would you be centred on?

’Insisting on reciprocity’ is just tit for tat, a juvenile way of relating to other people for those with a poor grasp on human relations. And surely you don’t generally consider how to behave towards your friends based on ‘Will I be friendless if I drop X?’