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AIBU?

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Original poster

Co-parenting with an alcoholic —children refusing contact. What now?

261 replies

NeuroSpicyCat · 16/04/2025 12:45

Hi everyone, I’m in need of advice or insight from anyone who’s been in a similar situation—either as a co-parent, stepparent, or even adult child of a parent with addiction. For background: I’m autistic.

My husband has three children (11 and two 14-year-olds) with his ex-wife, who has a history of alcohol misuse (we’ve only found out about it a few months ago). She’s had periods of sobriety, but recently relapsed—again. The children were staying with her 50% and us 50% until a few weeks ago, when they disclosed to my husband that she’d been drinking again, hiding bottles, emotionally offloading on them (especially the eldest boy), and waking them up during the night in distress having hallucinations. They were also told to keep it secret from their dad.

They’re now living with us 100% temporarily, on the advice of children’s services, while support is being arranged for their mum. She was in a recovery programme in the past but stopped attending. She has a partner but he is at the end of his tether and has told the children he will be leaving soon. A family worker is due to be involved in the next few days. Her current drinking is being described by her partner as “maintenance drinking”—she’s consuming shots of vodka throughout the day “to avoid withdrawal”—but she’s not sober, and not currently in formal detox.

When my husband gently asked the children if they felt ready to see their mum (with another adult present), all three said no. One was particularly adamant. We’ve been very careful not to influence their decision either way.

I’m trying to support my husband while managing my own feelings—this whole situation has taken over our home life, and I’m worried about long-term disruption, especially as the children’s mother is still in denial about the emotional harm. I’m also struggling with resentment, guilt, and fear about what comes next. I care deeply about the kids, but I’m exhausted and anxious.

Has anyone been in a similar situation where the children refused contact? What helped? How do you protect your own wellbeing when your home becomes a crisis hub?

If they continue to live with us 100% we won’t be entitled to any state support as I earn too much, so our lifestyle will suffer. I have children of my own I need to think about (both are autistic).

AIBU to feel almost like a victim? My world is crumbling and I have no say. I feel like a passive bystander in someone’s else’s chaos.

Thank you in advance for any thoughts.

OP posts:
Feedingpillow · 16/04/2025 13:41

I don’t know where to start here.

My Mum is an alcoholic and has been most of my life. My parents divorced when I was very young.

My Dad was an every other weekend Dad. Even when he knew my Mum was an alcoholic. I would cry down the phone to him telling him what was going on. Nothing changed. He carried on being an every other weekend Dad.

Living with an alcoholic mother was absolutely fucking horrendous and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

It sounds like you are hoping they will go back to their mother soon but I absolutely hope to god that they won’t. Alcoholism is merciless. Those children are vulnerable in her care and your husband, their Dad, can provide the stability and protection that an alcoholic parent cannot.

I am sorry you feel physically ill due to the “chaos” but I’m afraid those poor innocent children come first. Let your husband do what he needs to do and if you can’t cope with that then you leave I’m afraid.

Chucklecheeks01 · 16/04/2025 13:38

I believe your autism is a bit in control here, you're hyper focusing on the problem. It is an easy trap to fall in to. You still have control, take the ex out of the equation, until she is sober for substantial time the children will be with you 100 percent of the time, you will fall in to a nice routine and things will feel more stable again.

You have got this, I promise

Counselling is a great idea, for yourself alone, and maybe family. BUT please make sure you go to one specialising in autism, how we see the world can be vastly different and the counsellor must take that in to account.

Original poster
NeuroSpicyCat · 16/04/2025 13:36

Bread121bread · 16/04/2025 13:34

I personally like the upthread suggestion. Try and attempt to have them living with you for example for 8 months.

Afterwards, decide if two separate household would work better. Or is it possible to extend all of you living together. Your dh running a separate household for just for him and his kids might be better for them. Giving them extra time together to bond.

I’d rather just split than live apart. I want to live with my spouse when I’m married. That’s why I got married.

living apart might work for others but it’s not for me.

OP posts:
Bread121bread · 16/04/2025 13:34

I personally like the upthread suggestion. Try and attempt to have them living with you for example for 8 months.

Afterwards, decide if two separate household would work better. Or is it possible to extend all of you living together. Your dh running a separate household for just for him and his kids might be better for them. Giving them extra time together to bond.

Original poster
NeuroSpicyCat · 16/04/2025 13:33

maggiecate · 16/04/2025 13:22

What the mother is going to do isn’t within your sphere of influence. You won’t change her behaviour so worrying about it will only add to your stress levels. It’s hard but try to take her out of your thinking. The things you can influence are the impact on your kids, your husband, the step kids and you. Break it down into what’s essential - keeping the wheels turning, everyone clothed, fed, at school etc. Make sure all the kids have one to one time with their parent and that home is as calm and safe for all of you as feasible. Take a breather every day, even if it’s just a walk round the block. Try contacting a support group like Al-anon - your story will be one they’ve heard before and they’ll be able to signpost help. If it’s helpful maybe write down what you’re worrying about and break it into steps of what you can do.

Thank you. That’s a very helpful post.

im organising some counselling for myself to help me through this.

OP posts:
pointythings · 16/04/2025 13:30

NeuroSpicyCat · 16/04/2025 13:28

The kids don't want to see her so just stop contact and concentrate on the well being of your whole household in a sustainable way.

I don’t think they mean permanently not wanting to see her.

I would not be too sure, especially with the older 2. And they will all need counselling too.

Original poster
NeuroSpicyCat · 16/04/2025 13:28

The kids don't want to see her so just stop contact and concentrate on the well being of your whole household in a sustainable way.

I don’t think they mean permanently not wanting to see her.

OP posts:
Hdjdb42 · 16/04/2025 13:28

I won't lie, I'd find that so stressful too. It's the uncertainty of it all and the drama from the ex. I'd hate it. Sounds like they're much safer with you both. Hopefully their mum dries out and attends counselling. Perhaps if she's successful, the children might be returned to her next year? If not, they'll be in your husband's care permanently I'd imagine. Do all the children get on well? If they do, I imagine it will be an easier transition for everyone.

Maray1967 · 16/04/2025 13:24

NeuroSpicyCat · 16/04/2025 13:02

work through it as a family

I don’t know how we work through it as it wasn’t our actions that led to this. We are at the mercy of his ex.

im hugely distressed at having no agent here. The uncertainty is triggering my autism and I feel I can’t breathe.

You need to put these kids first - think about what they’re going through. Make whatever adjustments you need to make re schedules, sleeping accommodation etc but they come first.

pointythings · 16/04/2025 13:23

OP, you need to be mentally prepared for the likelihood that your husband's children will join your family on a permanent basis. Their mum's addiction sounds very, very serious. Recovery stats are not encouraging. Plan for long term to permanent in order to give everyone stability. My husband died from his addiction. We have had the same happen to family members of people in my group. Best to prepare for the worst.

Teacaketravesty · 16/04/2025 13:22

I voted YANBU as your feelings are not unreasonable, but you need to accept his kids live with you ft, or leave as graciously as possible.

maggiecate · 16/04/2025 13:22

What the mother is going to do isn’t within your sphere of influence. You won’t change her behaviour so worrying about it will only add to your stress levels. It’s hard but try to take her out of your thinking. The things you can influence are the impact on your kids, your husband, the step kids and you. Break it down into what’s essential - keeping the wheels turning, everyone clothed, fed, at school etc. Make sure all the kids have one to one time with their parent and that home is as calm and safe for all of you as feasible. Take a breather every day, even if it’s just a walk round the block. Try contacting a support group like Al-anon - your story will be one they’ve heard before and they’ll be able to signpost help. If it’s helpful maybe write down what you’re worrying about and break it into steps of what you can do.

Flutterbyby · 16/04/2025 13:21

NeuroSpicyCat · 16/04/2025 12:57

He was an “every other weekend” dad when we met. Like most divorced dads.

Show quote history

Which is nowhere near enough. Any parent can become (and should be ready to become) a full time parent at any time, and anyone who marries them needs to be ready for that too.

minnienono · 16/04/2025 13:21

I had 24 hours notice that my dsd was moving in! No discussion her mother decided to move in with her dp and there was no space for dsd. Dsd was older so past the point where I needed to be a “mother” except in the food production sense but it wasn’t planned for. Anyone considering moving in with a dp with dc part time must accept it could be full time at very short notice.

Original poster
NeuroSpicyCat · 16/04/2025 13:20

Summertimeblahness · 16/04/2025 13:09

Stop worrying about the exes next move and consider the fact that this is it.

They don’t want to and should not go back.

What is your next move?

I was the child in this situation.

Did you have a stepparent? Was your mum the alcoholic?

OP posts:
Bobbybobbins · 16/04/2025 13:19

I think in the short term, consider what you can do to support your MH- space on your own? Exercise?

Longer term it may mean 2 separate households but doesn’t need to be the end of your relationship. My DSis and her partner live apart- both have 3 kids who are with them majority of the time and are too young to all live together really.

bigageap · 16/04/2025 13:19

NeuroSpicyCat · 16/04/2025 13:11

can you not just accept that they live with you full time now and focus on that?

My two biggest heartaches with the current situation are: strain on finances, and frequent unpredictable drama from the ex. On the latter: Goalposts moving, strange texts, curveballs. My nervous system is flared up and I’m getting ill.

Imagine how his children are feeling. I'm truly shocked by your selfish attitude.

Original poster
NeuroSpicyCat · 16/04/2025 13:19

pointythings · 16/04/2025 13:09

Very understandable. My late husband was the alcoholic in my scenario, and I know from personal experience how chaotic they are. The stress is immense. As a family you could probably use some support - I suggest contacting AdFam. They will be able to signpost yoj to support for families affected by addiction. (I run a support group for such families, we exist). You don't have to do this alone.

Show quote history

Thank you. We are a bit of a niche however, being a blended family.

OP posts:
pointythings · 16/04/2025 13:18

NeuroSpicyCat · 16/04/2025 13:11

can you not just accept that they live with you full time now and focus on that?

My two biggest heartaches with the current situation are: strain on finances, and frequent unpredictable drama from the ex. On the latter: Goalposts moving, strange texts, curveballs. My nervous system is flared up and I’m getting ill.

The texts and the drama can be managed, and your husband has to lead this fully. That will probably mean supporting the DC in blocking their mum (there are strategies for this and I can help, pm me if you need to) and shielding you from direct contact. Your husband should not shy away from involving the police if his ex brings any drama to your door. He should work with Social Services and leave you clear as much as possible.

Be there to support him, enable him you detach from his ex emotionally as much as he can, focus on making your home a calm and safe space for all of you.

Penguinmouse · 16/04/2025 13:18

“He was an every other weekend day” So it was fine that he had children as long as he only saw them two days out of 14 🙄

Happyholidays78 · 16/04/2025 13:17

I feel for you OP, this will change the dynamics of your home & life, it's completely normal to be worried about this. On top of all that you have these poor children who will be impacted by their mums alcoholism, I say this as a daughter of alcoholic parents. I wish you all the best of luck xx

user1492757084 · 16/04/2025 13:17

Can your partner change the communication arrangements?
Surely he can block her calls and texts and go through social security or a lawyer. The kids don't want to see her so just stop contact and concentrate on the well being of your whole household in a sustainable way.
Put a safe barrier between her and you all.
Having you all worrying about her texts etc is unfair.

IslandsAround · 16/04/2025 13:17

NeuroSpicyCat · 16/04/2025 12:59

don't make your husband choose between you and his DC. Chances are you won't like the choice he makes.

I know. The only people with a choice here are his ex (to sober up or not) and me (to leave or not).

I have learned my lesson. Never marry a man with kids unless they are grown up.

This is so rude. He’s a good father and is caring for his children. Which is what you’d want him to do for the children you had with him if something were to happen to you. Stop imagineering those children away. They came first. Sorry you want the father of your children to treat his children poorly. That would ultimately include yours.

Original poster
NeuroSpicyCat · 16/04/2025 13:16

Pigsears · 16/04/2025 13:05

Honestly, I wouldn't like that either. It's the lack of control I would struggle with and having (as you rightly put it ..) someone else's chaos thrust upon you.

I'd be worried too about the home being a 'crisis hub'. Even that wording makes it sound temporary- uncertainty and lack of control are two things I'd try and tackle. In my mind, I'd put a minimum 8 month time frame on it. And make the assumption that that they will be with you, permanently, for that timeframe. That way can organise physical / practical stuff around this? (Finance, rooms, school etc).

Thank you for the empathy.

I like the idea of a timeframe, it gives me a sense of agency and certainty which is important to me as an autistic person. After 8 months, what then happens?

OP posts:
Endofyear · 16/04/2025 13:15

They are his children and his first priority, which is as it should be. They don't want to see their mum at the moment and from what you've said, I can see why. Hopefully given time and if she gets into treatment, they can reconnect with her. At the moment, they need breathing space and to feel safe and secure. Is your partner able to take some time off work to be with them?