Co-parenting with an alcoholic —children refusing contact. What now?

This is heart breaking to read. Those poor children, living in a toxic environment and being unwanted by their father's wife who only ever was ok with her husband being the part-time every-other-weekend Daddy.

When you get together with a man with children, you should absolutely get to terms with the fact that you may end up with them full-time due to changes in circumstances then. It was incredibly naïve for this to have never crossed your mind and I'm surprised it didn't considering you say you have autism and overthinking is very usual with autism.

Does your husband know how you feel about having his children live with you both full-time? Does he know you're thinking you've "learned your lesson", and won't be looking at single dads in future? Shocking comments.

I certainly hope your husband has welcomed his children with open arms and has stepped up to help them navigate through all of the childhood trauma they've experienced.

The dcs are very much of the age when any court would take their views if where they want to stay on board.

No need to apply for custody,I’d leave it to her to seek that tbh, while they remain with their dad

In the immediate term, can you take steps to soothe your nervous system, be that with yoga, art, a walk in the woods, whatever works for you. Being grounded and healthy will help all of you to deal with the issues calmly.

Medium term, as pp suggested give a time frame to cope until you reassess. Then see how the land lies.

During that time, expect challenges from the children (all of them) and probably their mother, but if you keep repeating step one you will be better placed to manage that.

It sounds really hard but it isn’t a given that it’s the end of your marriage. Good luck!

Your husband’s children need to live with him, probably until they are grown up. They need the security and safety of a permanent home away from the turmoil of their mother’s home. They are the victims here, not you: they chose none of this.

If you’re not up for that, then I’d advise you to split from him and set up home separately. His DCs don’t need more upheaval down the line, or to be feeling like you’re wanting them out, to their mother or foster care (which won’t happen, and nor should it)

My DP’ s dc live with him full time as their mother is an alcoholic, they don’t even see her. It’s very difficult. I’d never marry him or move on because of this but k respect him for doing it.

I myself took on a family member’s child twenty years ago as they couldn’t care for them. Yes, it’s been hard but it’s the children who need looked after

It does. Takes a certain mindset to be able to absolve yourself of any parental responsibility or being of such a character that you need intervention but yes, it definitely does.

Ask yourself whether you would want to be with a man who wouldn’t step up to look after his own flesh and blood when they’re being abused? Because their home life with their mum was abusive.

I also think we need to move away from women somehow being the main parent and it being acceptable for men to become the kind of weekend dad you described.

That being said, this is a lot to deal with given you have 2 autistic children. Just be honest and let him know how you feel about this and that, ultimately, the weight of this will fall on his shoulders.

you (and the children - most importantly) will have less unpredictable drama if the kids are with you under a live with contact order.
Sorry but your lifestyle will need to decrease in quality as you step up to step parenting.
Good luck - you are doing a great thing but you need to view this as the children's gain and the right thing to do, not your loss

I think if what you want is control, you and your DH need to get hard behind the idea that the best thing for his kids is to live with you permanently, and work to make that the long term concrete reality. I know it is not what you want; your ideal outcome os thtat they go back to their mother full time and see your DH 2 days in 14. But as adults, we have to put aside what's best for us in favour of what's best for vulnerable kids. Their mother's failure to do so puts the onus on their dad (and by proxy, you, his wife) to do that.

Yes their mother may recover, but then again she may relapse - addicts do. If they go back to live with her substantially, the kids will always be on eggshells hoping something doesn't set her off, parentify themselves to keep her on an even keel, and potentially suffer further neglect and abuse. Their father can't allow that to happen to them just because it's more convenient for his new wife and her children (who I assume are not his).

So rather than waiting on tenterhooks to see what the ex-wife will do next, he should take the lead in applying for sole custody and having the benefits transferred to him, apply for maintenance, and if she tries to insist on contact push for that to be in a supervised setting and try to advocate for the children who (quite reasonably) do not want to see her at the moment.

You can take control either by getting behind him and supporting this or tapping out - separate and create a stable environment for your own children, as he must do for his. If he is a halfway decent dad you will not get the outcome you want (for the children to disappear back to their alkie mum's). And if he is a shit dad who'd happily pack his kids back off to such an unstable environment, why on earth would you want him round your own vulnerable kids?

Are you questioning whether this happens or whether it might be a possibility for your situation?

@NeuroSpicyCat is DH the father of your DC?

Try and think what you will know by 8 months.

That will mean you have worked out sleeping arrangements, paperwork for govt support/ benefits in place, you would have started a new school year, you would have handled multiple school holidays, multiple school report cards, rebooked on after school clubs, possibly birthdays (of at least some in the household), Christmas.....

So, my mindset for 8 months, is it you can handle the above, and make small adjustments on the way, longer term won't seem so daunting. It will equip you to make a better decision about what is right for all- cause you would know and have experienced it. But also you would have worked with DP to steer the family into calmer waters.

Edited: you means DP and you...not just you!!!

This

I am an autistic mum. I understand your feelings of overwhelm and uncertainty.

Sadly given your husband has kids this was always a possibility. Mum could have fallen ill, had an accident, the kids just prefer it at yours, etc. there's always a chance kids will end up living full time with the other parent.

I'm curious when and why it went from every other weekend to 50/50?? Was it when you moved in together or for some other reason?

Regardless the kids are with you for now. I'd just see that as the status quo for the time being and try not to think too far ahead.

Are your kids also your husbands? Or just yours?

In the more immediate future I'd have a chat both with husband and also a family chat about how things will work. Any house rules (eg we don't go in each other's bedrooms for example, giving you all some quiet personal space to retreat to if needed).

I'd chat with husband about the "wife work" of the kids being with you full time.

He will now need to manage their school runs, extra activities, play dates with friends, school admin, medical appointments, keeping their warbrobes stocked and stuff fitting them, etc do NOT let it all fall to you by default!

Will mum need to pay child maintenance if they are with you full time?? This may help your households finances if so.

I bet this is the way he talks about his ex, he is a victim of her, what’s she going to do next etc and you have picked up on this?

They are his kids too and he has just as much responsibility towards them as she does.

If you are both stuck on the narrative that his ex is the bad guy, she has all the power, you’re both victims, you are going to get nowhere.

For all intents and purposes, none of that matters. What’s relevant is his ex is incapable of parenting at that point of alcoholism, it’s impossible to know whether she will recover or how long it will take and her children cannot be around her currently. Their relationship with her may be damaged to the extent where they will never trust her again.

Read up about alcoholism. She is getting the DTs (delirium tremens) when she tries to stop by the sound of it. This is very very serious. It has to be medically managed so she can no longer stop drinking without medical assistance. You both are in denial if you are thinking what will she do next - she can’t have the kids and she shouldn’t have the kids.

They could absolutely end up in foster care/ care if your husband won’t have them full time as would happen if she was seriously physically ill or had an accident or a mh crisis, all things which were always a possibility.

If you can’t cope you may need to split up.

Would you rather see his kids in care than living with you full time?

This is really unfair. OP says they had no knowledge of this until a few months ago.

This doesn't wash I'm afraid, if her husbands ex died, the children would be coming to live with them.. there is ALWAYS that possibility when you marry someone with children from a previous relationship.

She chose to get together with a Disney dad, so saying she feels like a victim is pretty disgusting to be honest, I have sympathy for their situation, but that is where she lost me. Children aren't an inconvenience, they don't ask to be born, they deserve parents who love and care for them and when one is unfit the other has a duty to step in, everyone entering into this co parenting relationship is a willing participant of that, so nothing about this situation makes OP a 'victim'.

Or, and this is even worse, the father takes the child/ren but is completely unsuited to parent and throws in the towel when it gets hard and the children end up in foster care anyway. Fathering often really is the bare minimum in this country, sadly.

What a tough situation, OP. Al-Anon is for anybody affected by another’s drinking and could be a supportive place for you and your husband to meet others in similar situations and to understand your options. The kids would likely benefit from joining Alateen.
Alcoholism is a dreadful, powerful, cunning and baffling disease and there are no simple answers. Sticking with just the day ahead - what you can do now - and not getting lost in future fears, helps me feel a little more in control.

Are your two children also your DH’s? If so it would probably be very upsetting to split and move out. If he is not their father and you genuinely don’t think you can deal with this situation and your children are also going to suffer then perhaps take some time out and stay elsewhere for a bit to gather your thoughts. Your DH’s kids really need him now and if you don’t think you can deal with that then you need to remove yourself until you are in a position to do so (or not as the case may be).

100%

I'm sorry that OP is feeling stressed right now about the situation, but she married a man who is a dad with parental responsibility for his children. She should get that as a mum with parental responsibility for her own children. His need him as much as hers need her.

Oh also who’s house do you live in? If you do split while you have social services involved this will help him get housed if he needs to rely on social housing