Co-parenting with an alcoholic —children refusing contact. What now?

I'm not autistic, but I am neurodiverse in other ways and disabled. I am also the major/sole breadwinner. For me to thrive, there is quite a strict list of the conditions I need. If I stray too far away from that list, everything collapses. I also grew up with a mother who was a long way down the autistic spectrum. I became her carer when her life spiralled out of shape and her autism was a massive factor. So, all in all, I think I have a worthwhile perspective.

I'm not going to say that the children come first, or that you should have anticipated this eventuality. I don't agree with either in this instance. If the mother had died, I imagine the OP would be feeling very differently, but this is one person's chaos straining to contaminate another person's order. It is completely different.

I'm going to say instead that you come first, because a comfortable, well functioning you is what your DH and children need. However, you probably need to find path through to doing something different to what you're doing currently, within reason, and that's what you may need to do.

There are two ways to go at an incredibly complicated problem like this, which is either from the part you can't control, which is usually where we tend to start (the chaotic end), or from the part you can control (the stable end). The stable end is actually the place to start to craft your solution - it is really the only place that you could or should start. So capture what you have been doing for however long, and how that fits with your needs. That is the bedrock of the solution. Then look at how much you can stretch away from that without making a material difference to your wellbeing. That is where you can sensibly flex a little.

When you take care of the fundamental needs, I have personally found it quite extraordinary how far I can then flex. And I have had to flex, and I've done it successfully. I occasionally do think to myself, "why the hell am I doing this???", but there is no negative change to my wellbeing.

I'm not going to make any suggestion at all as to the specific solution, but I think if you start with what you really cannot change, you will find some additional ways to support those children that are meaningful at a much lower personal cost. And they won't wear you out as time progresses, because your key needs are still being met.

I cared for a person with autism for three years who had their world turned upside down. It was utterly horrendous - the unbelievable strain triggered my bipolar - and her autism was a massive factor. You owe it to yourself and to your loved ones to not end up in that position.

I also would think about what these children bring to your life and the lives of your children

Does everyone get on overall.

What age are your children.

It might take a lot of effort but if they are good children and like you and your children it could be good for everyone

@NeuroSpicyCat
You haven’t answered if your husband is the father of your kids? Or are they from a previous relationship? How old are they?

I think you have to take on board that the children live with you now. They might in the future go and see their mother for a few hours/a day or a weekend but that is in the future

Concentrate on the practical things in the short and long term that you both have control over like bedrooms, where is everyone sleeping, collecting their things from their mothers house and how to get them to school, meal planning for 3 extra etc

As well as legally getting things in order regarding their living situation and child benefit and any other benefits that need to be changed into your dh’s name etc

Long term if there is a lack of space think about converting a room, the garage, extending the ground floor to create a kitchen diner and making the dining room a bedroom or doing a loft conversion for 1 or 2 more bedrooms and a shower room
Whatever is possible or practical

Or after things have calmed down and everything is sorted legally, if the living situation is feeling over crowded then maybe think about moving to a house that has a layout that works better.

I have ADHD, I am also waiting for an autism assessment. I can understand that when you married your dh that things were a certain way. You knew he had dc, they came for certain days and you could get your mind round that. But the current issues are not what you signed up for.

I think you have a choice to make.

Divorce or live separately until dc have grown up and gone their own way

Or understand that life changes and this is the new normal

Look at what is bothering you the most about the new situation, (eg the exw’s texts and calls etc) and work out a way where you won’t have to listen to her or read her texts. I.e block her on your phone, SM etc and ask your dh to do the same for parts of the day when you are around him and tell him you don’t want to know what she says or what she texts.

I have had times where things get overwhelming and life throws curve balls and changes from what was expected. I have to take time out from everyone, either on my own with noise cancelling headphones in my room or booking myself into a hotel for a couple of nights to reset my brain without any interference.

Obviously your husband is doing the right thing. But you need to step back and decide if this is something you can stand for the long haul. You do not need to stay and facilitate the recovery of his children from the chaos of his and his exes’ choices. You need to put yourself and your own children first. Leaving is an option, and you should remain alive to that option as you consider what you want for
your life.

Yes, she would lose child-related benefits, and might eventually lose her home.

But, that would mot likely happen anyway when the youngest ones turn 18, which is not that many years in the future.

It is for you and your DH to decide together whether you want to prop her up financially by letting her continue to claim benefits as a single parent with resident children, either for a short while or for a longer period.
But, if you go down the route of a court order and you get legal residence, you and DH may not have the choice - the benefits office may decide for you when they learn of the court order. (Don't ever try to hide anything from the benefits authorities).

The bottom line is that you cannot "save" an alcoholic. They self-destruct and damage everyone around them.
My advice would be that you can't and shouldn't put her financial situation before your own.

seriously?! That was appealing to you, was it? Amazing.

I think you need some proper advice OP, stop thinking about what you can do NOW with regards benefits and custody etc, you're making an already stressful situation a lot more stressful by insisting on a timeline for everything and going hell for leather trying to arrange things immediately, I appreciate you feel you need to do that for you, but if making things easier for yourself is making things harder for everyone else around you, you need to rein it in.

Listen to what people are saying, and make sure provisions are in place for the next few weeks, make sure the children feel safe and secure and there is an open channel of discussion between you all within your household, forget about what ex is doing as you can't control any of that and get some proper legal advice before undertaking anything which will have long term repercussions, there is no need to rush anything here, you need to do things properly, not quickly.

Thank you, genuinely, for your care and for considering all of this so seriously. As an adult child of an alcoholic mother, it really does mean something to see the thought and consideration you’ve given this here. This is a situation i wouldnt wish on anyone. My observations are obviously v much from this perspective as it obviously goes without saying that your priority - as it should be - will be to advocate for your own kids. I wouldnt dispute that for a second.

However, I can’t emphasise enough that a huge part of all this requires being honest and rational about the impacts on you. You’re absolutely a victim of these dynamics too—but I’d gently remind you that those impacts are the result of choices you’ve made to align with their father. They’re choices you still have the power to step away from, if and when it becomes too much. That’s something that’s in your control.

Your partner’s children, though, haven’t had any choice at all in their involvement. They can't opt out, and they can’t create distance in the way adults can. That’s why it's so important to stay really clear about where the responsibility lies here: 100% this is on your husband to manage, as their father. But it also means being very honest—with yourself and with him—about what you can reasonably carry, and stepping away if it becomes something you can't.

I say all this with a lot of empathy and no judgment. While my dad eventually managed to separate us from the situation with our mum, his actions began and ended (i appreciate due to the trauma he experienced himself) to getting us physically out of the house and was honestly a waste of space in terms of ongoing emotional support or maintaining boundaries so our mum couldnt access and harm us. My sister and I would both say 100% that some of the deepest damage happened after we’d left—because of the resentment and exhaustion that spilled out from his new partner at her sheer frustration of having to live with the outcomes of someone else’s dysfunction and the impacts this had on her own children. It’s also totally valid that you have these worries for your kids and they shouldnt have to be impacted by this, but my stepmum was utterly unable to contain or compartmentalise this effectively without those feelings spilling out into angry and resentful treatment of three entirely lost, traumatised and unanchored kids, with some really awful outcomes. I’m not for one moment suggesting that you feel this way—but I know how easily that frustration creeps in, and how much it can shape things, even unintentionally.

As a first, calming step, just appreciate that you’re taking this seriously and caring as you are. That already makes a difference. Secondarily, supporting your fella in terms of arranging counselling or professional support for his kids, and enforcing some strong boundaries to maintain your home as a safe space for everyone would be a good place to focus your energies on tangible outcomes imo. Wishing you a lot of love and all the best

It would take a good while for them to stop paying her and start paying their dad. She wouldn't lose her house, but she'd have to pay the rent shortfall.

There's not a lot of point. At the children's ages they can choose where they live. A court order won't constrain her or prevent them from going back to her if they want to.

When you marry someone with kids. You have to take them on as your own. Expect at some point they live with you.

Pretty much all the divorced dads I know have their kids 50:50 or certainly more than EOW actually. Why your DH chose to see so little of his DCs while presumably seeing more of yours I don't know.

You were naive not to think this was a possibility. People get ill, die, incapable etc - and I find it highly unlikely your DH didn't know she misused alcohol assuming they were together for at least 4 years.

It’s normal to be overwhelmed with the chaos and changing plans, especially with autism. I’d vent that away from your DH because you AREN’T the victim. The children are. And they need the support. You need support too but it needs to come from friends, therapy, or online community.

As the dust settles you may have to decide if you can live with the changes or if it is too much for you and your DC. But don’t go leaping to that. You are adaptable it just might take you longer to process and adapt and you might need to give yourself extra breaks and support to manage it

You and your DH need to sit down with SS and a solicitor to discuss your options. Nobody here can give you all the answers.
Personally I would leave my DH if he didn't take his children in. They are young, fragile and need a loving home. If you go separate ways then so be it but your DH has to parent these poor children.

Hi OP, as you can probably guess from my name, I’m ND. I’m sorry you’re in this position, sounds difficult all round. I think you’ve handled the comments well actually.
Ultimately, you will have to put your own DC first.
Autism makes us struggle with change. No matter what happens, you are facing massive change. It sounds to me like you will actually cope better once things are decided. I do think you probably have 3 choices: his DC move in with you, he moves out with his DC but you stay together (I see you don’t want that) or he moves out and you split. I think the issue is, at this point, you don’t have any idea how long this will be, which makes it more difficult.
You need to talk things through with him, discuss what he thinks is best for his DC, think about the impact it will have on your DC and you and find the best outcome for all of you. I think you’ll be okay once you have a clear idea of what to expect, whatever that is. It’s the unexpected change that’s throwing you because of the Autism.

Take a breath. Make a plan. You don’t have to resolve the entire situation in one sitting.

You can plan that (for example) from now until July, the children live with you full time while arrangements are made for the future.

You can plan that, until after school holidays, you aren’t going to commit to any plans or permanent changes.

You can plan that before the summer holidays you will have worked out a longer plan of action.

You can plan that, if the shit hits the fan and chaos breaks out, you and your DC can stay in an AirB&B or short term let to get some space from upheaval. I don’t think you’ll need to, but it’s a plan.

I always feel better if I have a plan, whether life runs according to the plan or not. I did my bit. I had a plan!

Is that what the children want and is it what your husband wants? Has your husband sought legal advice?

I'm sure you could apply for full custody right away, although you currently have it so seems unnecessary and premature right now.

The children currently live with you full time and don't want contact with their mother. That's the 'certainty' right now. I agree that accepting that, and getting your head round that as the status quo for at least a set time period is going to be best - so say you decide right that is what is happening for the next 8 months as suggested.

So how does that look - where does everyone sleep? What is the new household budget and how will the increase be met - can you apply for maintenance from the ex or would you rather leave her out of it? Child benefit - a quick google suggests that your husband can still claim child benefit for his 'pre-existing' children even though you earn over the threshold, so that's worth looking into. He can do that though surely? How do all children in the household get to school each day, what wraparound care if any is required? How do you schedule your time so everyone gets some downtime as well as time with their own parent? Are the schools in the loop with what has happened, and is there any support they can offer? What support can you access for the children in terms of counselling/ emotional support - again your husband should take the lead on this. But groups like the one a previous poster suggested and runs will have come across blended families before, so don't discount them because you think your situation is 'niche'.

After the set time period - you re-assess, maybe you've all settled in to the new routine and it's working for you all, maybe there need to be some changes, maybe that's when you decide nope this isn't for me.

You block your step children's mother on every communication channel relating to you personally. Your husband can perhaps set up an email address specifically about the children/ co-parenting matters and block her on everything else. Or he can look into a co-parenting app.

If children's services are involved/ advising that the children live with you full time then presumably they are aware of the situation and the children are on some kind of support plan? Presumably they wouldn't be ok with going back to shared custody anyway - have they given any recommendations about contact - whether and how it should happen?

You don't need to apply for anything. The children just live with you now, you don't need anyone to approve that or formalise it.

Of course it does. Lots of fathers also think their responsibility ends at every other weekend.

@NeuroSpicyCat massive hugs. Maybe this is for a year. Maybe it’s for 6 years. But it might just be a blip in a long relationship together. If you are together another 30 or 40 years this is a blip.

I get this isn’t what you had planned for your family unit but Jesus - those poor kids.

are they absolute shits or something? Is he an awful parent that lacks discipline? Can you see a way you all integrate for a while whilst things are resolved with mum?

would you abaondon your children so fast if they weren’t confirming to a life you expected? Would you expect your partner to stand by you if your children developed severe behavioural or mental health issues?

life doesn’t always follow a path we’d like. The fact that your partner having to fully parent his children seems to be a relationship ended for you is sad. I wish you luck. I hope things work out for you all.

The thing is, his children are in crisis. There are no firm answers for you right now and maybe not for months. The priority is here for him to step up as a parent and protect them. That involves them being in his home and having therapy. That is going to be ongoing. They are the victims of their mom's addiction, not you.

Some depends on what kind of help their mom is willing to access. It sounds like she needs to be hospitalized for medically managed detox and then rehab. But, she might not take that route. Whichever, his kids will be with him for a long period of time.

When you married a man with 3 kids, did you guys really never discuss the possibility of his kids coming to live with him full time in the event of something drastic happening?