Co-parenting with an alcoholic —children refusing contact. What now?

So it's okay for her husband to support her two children from a previous relationship, but when the roles are reversed it's 'not fair'.

They aren't 'someone else's' children, they are her husbands children and her step children.

some things are worth being skint for

Not when you have two autistic dc to care for. It would not be fair for OP to make herself skint for someone else’s dc.

It's really hard but at the heart of it there are kids involved who more than ever need to know they have a safe home where they're welcome and not a burden. Worth getting counselling or support around burdens with his ex. My friend was an alcoholic, all I'll say is it's no choice anyone would make, she was autistic and a dv victim herself, you don't know what people have gone through. I'm not saying that makes it ok but she can't click her fingers and stop and everything will be better. This is the long haul. Kindness is the only way I think, if my friend had kindness in her home she might have made it, but she didn't. If you don't think you can do right by the kids then you have a decision to make I guess, some things are worth being skint for

👏🏼 👏🏼👏🏼

Moving to 50/50 for financial reasons is concering - he only wanted to see his kids more so that he didn't have to pay maintenance.

He'll probably want them to go back to their mums as soon as she's cleared by social services, so as long as she gets sober you won't have an on-going problem.

My anxiety is through the roof. I'm already on max antidepressants, so I worry what other options I have to help my mental health.

@NeuroSpicyCat there are things that are clinically shown to help without pharmaceutical therapies: meditation, breathwork, both of which you might find at a yoga class, or if you can afford 1:1 yoga that could help by tailoring the practices to what you need. DM me if you would like recommendations.
Some people find art is somewhere they can get into a flow state (very good for the nervous system).
For others it’s gardening or walking in the park or the woods. Do you have any tools like this or could you try some of these suggestions?

This is very disappointing although I'm not surprised. It would have been nice if he'd taken his children 50/50 because he loves them and wanted to spend time with them. Those poor children.

It sounds like you’re having a really tough time OP and everything is topsy turvy so it’s difficult to see another way but you need to reframe how you view the situation. By framing everything as chaos and a crisis their mother is responsible for you’re handing her the control.

You can control how much you hear about her latest antics, if she has any contact with you, the level and type of support and care you give your SC, the way your partner and you work together to deal with this and more. Sit down and make a big list of all the things you can control in real detail; what time dinner is, who’s making it, who has which room, etc. Then start taking control and making the decisions where you can - from the small things like a meal plan that works for everyone and the big things like blocking his ex and maintaining no contact.

I don’t think this situation is as niche as you think for blended families; alcoholics generally carry trauma and emotional issues which often impacts on their interpersonal relationships so they’re more likely to get divorced. Look for a real world support network like a group, your SC might benefit from one too.

My mum’s best friend was an alcoholic and her ex wouldn’t take the kids when they asked - her son found her dead in bed (from drinking) when he was 18, traumatising him for life. There are 3 children who desperately need a safe place, love and protection and it’s in your control, with your partner, to find a way to create that for them.

What a shame, a man having to actually parent his children he was responsible of procreating.

Sorry but you have dug your own grave when marrying him if you didn’t consider the possibility that he may need to parent his children full time in the future . What if the ex died or became ill? It was always a possibility that he may well become a full time parent, even if he was only having them every other weekend (which isn’t anywhere near enough).

Your husbands main priority should be the safeguarding of his children instead of shipping them off to an alcoholic against their will in order to please his new family.

Your options are to suck it up or divorce.

You do have a choice though.... You can leave, or ask him to live elsewhere with the kids and have a relationship not living together

I think the way you handle it is just make peace with the fact that the kids live with you 100% of the time now. If she gets herself straightened out and the kids want to go back to the 50/50 arrangement that's great but I would assume going forward that that is not going to happen and plan accordingly.

NeuroSpicyCat

Don’t look at this as having to suck up the drama.

These children I can 100% guarantee they don’t want drama it is what they are running away from.

Try to keep everything in an even keel and ask dh to block her number at certain times of the day not just for your sake but her children’s.

Ask dh to ask the dc if they will block her number for certain days or at certain times so you can have an evening meal in peace or when they are doing their homework and only deal with her calls at certain times of day when you are there to support them

In the meantime treat the children like they have come for their 50% of the week everyday and keep everything running as smoothly as possible and keep out of commenting negatively about their mother

Things will work out and it is hard to have to hold down a f/t job as well as having 3 extra children but control what you can. Be practical and keep smiling

It is your dh who has to deal with her for now

I would look at going to talk to people from Al anon. It might help put things into perspective and what pattern is being followed.
And it might help with how to tackle the more practical issues

I am sure there will be someone who has lived through what you are going through and come out the other side

I really felt for you until this post. “Most” divorced Dads are not every other weekend parents. Why did you want to share your life with a man who thinks parenting his kids approx 15% of the time is ok? I’m glad for them that he’s stepped up to 50:50 and is advocating for them now and you should either support him to do so or leave.

Thinking autism:.

House rules. You and your kids are going to need some quiet times. A space to retreat.
This needs to be managed without making the other kids feel like they are the problem. Phrase it as the autism is the problem..The three step kids may need time with dad anyway.

You've had an overwhelming few weeks and you need to take time to have an easier few weeks or risk autistic burn out. Cut back on none essentials. You might need a "retreat" day or two somewhere quiet. (Possibly taken in separate half days given circumstances. Could be sitting and reading in the car in a country park car park etc.)
Cut back on food prep and get stuff that is easy if the autism allows.

Chores can be divided. play to peoples strengths.

I think a pp was spot on about starting with what you can control. I can totally understand how frightening and unsettling lack of control and agency is but maybe you need to reframe things. Don’t view your house as crisis central, see it as a refuge for just now. Assuming you stay at least for now you need a plan, everyone will benefit from order, routine and calm. You and your partner need to sit down together and concentrate on practicalities, where does everyone sleep, do they need to collect possessions from their mothers, how will school run etc work, partner needs to start any legal moves. You need to sit down all seven of you and talk openly about the potential difficulties of being a larger household, expectations about chores. Can your sc get any counselling at school, can you find a way of your partner only looking at messages once a day. Aim in everything for structure.

She got benefits and a very, very part time father whose wages you enjoyed?😮

You need to look further than yourself and your therapy, your autism, your incovenience.
You need to back right out of this IMO. Not your situation to "solve".

But his ex’s addiction is messing up her children’s lives and the lives of everyone close to her.

People don’t get addicted to something because they want to but once the addiction takes hold it affects everyone they are in contact with.

By making excuses for the ex and painting the father as some sort of terrible parent

Does that mean if you mentally abuse your children whilst drunk and are an alcoholic all is forgiven

But if you try and see your children more, meaning ex isn’t abusing the children for more time during the week and you cut off money you give her which she spent on alcohol that makes you a terrible parent

People who are alcoholics and are still drinking don’t just affect themselves, the ripples go far and wide and if your dh is co parenting with a non functioning alcoholic then their actions and words will in turn affect you no matter how much of a carrier you put up.

Oh bugger off

I would also do this. Timeframe. What happens is a review at that time.

As a fellow autistic person my advice here is to ask that DH keeps you out of the day to day random texts/updates from his ex.

As it stands, the children are with you for the foreseeable and nothing is likely to change, especially not quickly.

It doesn't have to be so unpredictable. Really, your DH does have agency here. He is their parent and if and when his ex/his kids decide they want contact, he doesn't need to jump and do whatever anyone randomly suggests. It would make an awful lot more sense if he had his head screwed on, and if they did resume contact, they should do so in a gradual, safe and consistent way that eventually builds up to fuller contact if/when she has consistently shown she is well enough.

Would it help you to discuss with DH a rational and possibly researched plan about what your 'protocol' will be if one/all of the kids say they want to see her? What would the boundaries be and what would you need to see on her end to make that an option? Would it help to talk through those scenarios with the social worker?

I'm basically wonder if you would feel less anxious is you were able to step away from the drama in the moment, and could rest on the idea that they are here now, and have in mind what will actually happen if anything changes.