Co-parenting with an alcoholic —children refusing contact. What now?

I am glad you are seeking help - just having someone not involved to listen will be enormously helpful.

I think you have to work on the assumption the kids are with you full time for the foreseeable future. You shouldn't really be encouraging anything else to be honest - they'd just be unsafe otherwise. And it's a shame that this happened when you weren't expecting it, but it is true that you married a family, not a person without ties. So many other things could have happened that would be even more sudden or surprising and I'd hope he would always be prepared to be a parent instead of an every-other-weekend one.

My friend had 50/50 custody of her kids and then got together with a man who also had 50/50 custody. They live in a 2 bed flat and had alternate weeks with the sets of children. Then her children's' father unfortunately committed suicide and she of course has her kids 100% of the time now. So every other week they now have 4 kids in a 2 bedroom flat. This wasn't at all what her partner thought he was getting involved with and the trauma and disruption was massive for everyone - but they are getting married next week and have pulled together and made things work (they sleep in the living room when his kids are there, not ideal but they've been doing it for years now)

Her partner did struggle to be honest (this was all during lockdown as well so it was a whole bunch of complications) but he was always really clear that his struggle was to figure out the logistics, not the concept of full-time parenting children he was fully aware were already part of his life. So I think if you just take the two things and separate them it might help to focus.

(My daughter and are are autistic 'and' anxious so I do understand you are working on it, just trying to give a specific example of a family who had to work through similar things)

OP - there are strengths and advantages to some aspects of autism, maybe think of them as your "superpower".
One strength is the ability to go into analyst mode when the situation requires. You can bring clear-thinking and objectivity when everyone around you is going into over-emotional mode.

I recommend you go through this whole thread with a pen and paper. Note down all the good ideas and advice, whatever is relevant, and totally ignore all the posts that are not helpful or that are attacking your decisions.

Remember - everyone here is bringing their own history and emotional baggage, so people who are being unhelpful or coming across as nasty are just speaking from their own experience and ideas, which can be totally irrelevant to you. Also, some people here will have no experience of autism, or alcoholism.

Then from your list of notes on paper, start prioritising actions to take. Focus on concrete actions, make a plan A and plan B, not random imaginings of the future that fuel your panic.

Number one on the list is looking after yourself each day. You are no good to anyone else if you go into meltdown.
So - baths, walks, screentime alone in your room - whatever you need. This is the number one priority. Let everyone else know this is what you are doing.

Number two on the list is blocking or limiting their mother's effect on you. Block her on your phone. DH has to shield you from her - tell him this. He has to deal with her, not you, and he is not to emotionally "dump" on you by telling you all about her latest mad text or call at random times of day.
If he needs to talk, agree to give him a strictly limited time each day, e.g. from 7.00 to 7.30, to talk to you about her. Outside of that, you don't want to hear it, and indeed CAN'T listen to it, because of protecting your mental health.

Trust your own strength. You've got this.

You realise this makes him sound even worse? And YOU sound even worse for thinking this is ok?

Not like most divorced dads. Just the not particularly involved dads, the crap dads, the irresponsible dads, the couldn't give a shit dads.

I have learned my lesson. Never marry a man with kids unless they are grown up.

There’s plenty of kids out there living with grandparents because they can’t live with the parents.

I think that's completely unfair. OP has asked for help on how to deal with the situation and is entitled to ask difficult things on an internet forum that she may not be able to voice in real life. She is entitled to think of the effect on her, the relationship and the children they have together. No-one has to be a selfless doormat, and it does no-one any favours if you are, least so the people you are trying to help.

Or maybe the money was going in vodka and the children weren’t getting anything

I mean unless by grown up you mean "in their 30s with a stable income" there's a pretty good chance even adult children might end up living with you at some point.

What? It sounds like the father is doing that. It’s OP who is struggling with it - but it isn’t right to say it was great when they only came alternate weekends… they need a safe place and their father. OP either gets on with it, or they’ll need to separate. The DC do not deserve a step mum who clearly doesn’t want them there.

Counseling should be a great help.
Think of it as putting on your own oxygen mask before trying to help fellow passengers, in a drop of cabin air pressure.

When you find yourself panicking, spiraling, or catastrophising, there are breathing techniques and other grounding techniques to help you to get back in touch with the here and now. 7-11 breathing, consciously working your way up and down your body relaxing your muscles everywhere, and being conscious of your feet solidly on the floor, and more.

Well no, but let's be realistic here. This man only went for 50/50 care to avoid maintenance, according to the OP. So not exactly father of the year. And the OP already has a lot on her plate (full-time job, children with additional needs) and never expected that her OH would have to be a full-time parent to his own children. Naive maybe, but I wouldn't be very enthusiastic in her situation either. She's probably justifiably concerned that a lot of the work will fall to her.

Unfortunately for many children the only person who really cares about them enough to enthusiastically parent them is their mother and, if she's failing, others are unlikely joyfully to jump in, the father included.

Alcoholism of that severity doesn't happen overnight. It's a years-long process and I highly, highly doubt she had healthy drinking habits during their marriage. So, your DH, when he divorced his ex, knew about her drinking. While it may have gotten worse, he still left his kids there and didn't try harder to keep them for longer than a few weekends. Maybe I'm not getting the full picture, maybe he's been trying to intervene to get more custody, but it doesn't sound like it if he chose 50/50 for financial reasons rather than safety.

I feel awful for those children. Three adults controlling their lives and none of them want to fully embrace them and do the right thing. The kids are old enough to know what's up. You and your DH won't be able to hide from them your resentment.

You need to get a grip, OP, and if you can't, you and DH need to separate and he parents his kids.

I keep rereading your OP and I’m getting an ever increasing sense that neither of you want them in your home full time.

Living with you temporarily on the advice of children’s services? So… not warmly invited into the home once the disclosure about the alcoholism was made?

If my kids told me their Dad was an alcoholic I wouldn’t wait for children’s services to tell me to let them live with me…

So he was a deadbeat father. Can’t believe you actually support that. Those poor children.

Maybe your husbands deadbeat behaviour contributed to the exs alcoholism. Sorry but your autism does not trump the safeguarding of his children.

Financial reasons? As in he didn’t want to pay maintenance?

WTF

why do you want to stay married to this man?

The OP was quite open that 50/50 was for financial reasons ie to avoid paying any child maintenance to his kids.

No one’s forcing him to stay in the relationship and OP has already said she fully pays for everything for her DC.

And yes, it would be better for his kids too if he just focused on his own dc and a home they don’t have to share with step-siblings.

The poster said it’s worth going skint for step-kids, I disagree. My priority would always be my dc.

@nomas then she has to leave I guess. Why would she want this man to be a dad to hers but not his own. Or why would she want to be with a man who felt like his children were too complicated to look after.