Co-parenting with an alcoholic —children refusing contact. What now?

What an awful situation for everyone, but especially your stepkids. Despite him being an “every other weekend dad” when you met him, as a parent yourself you must have (certainly should have) appreciated that anything can happen, and the kids might need more from him in future. His ex could have died - they’d have to live with him then. Their mother has effectively “died” to them by abdicating her parental responsibility in favour of alcohol. They have no one else so obviously need to live with him. If you can’t make that work for you and your children, then however hard it is (and I do appreciate that it will be a big change), he has to prioritise their needs over yours because they are his children and you are an adult.

You would protect your own children in the same way, in a heartbeat, I’m sure.

There is no choice. Just like if my ex loses his job and stops paying the tiny bit of CMS he does. My lovely DH did not have choice that his wife died 5 years ago.

I wasn’t the victim of a parent who was an alcoholic but I was the victim of child abuse. I wasn’t removed.

My childhood friend married a man with two children and his ex was an alcoholic their time with mum was awful, bewildering, abused children, neglect whilst she drank. They talked about taking his children full time to protect them, they were having 50/50 and the kids were 11,14 and 16 and room and finances were tight and they agreed to. The next day the alcoholic mum was found dead when they went around to offer to have the children full time - these are children. You are a family. He needs to parent full time as the other parent isn’t and you need to support that. I married my DH he has an adult son. Whatever happens I am there for him.

If it was me I'd remember that his children have just as much right to be with their father as yours do with their mother. Giving them a safe and secure home should be his priority. You need to get on board or leave. They should have been with you a lot more a lot earlier in their lives from the sounds of it.

'If they continue to live with us 100% we won’t be entitled to any state support as I earn too much, so our lifestyle will suffer. I have children of my own I need to think about (both are autistic)'

So he has to put up with your kids but not vice versa!

Her next move is important but you all need to plan how you live, what you do. Plan for them living with their dad long term and how that needs to happen. Together or apart?

Which is why I would have to reframe and assume kids are with you for next 8 months (not 'forever' cause that might be too permanent for the kids involved - but long enough to sort out the practical elements..)

Recovering alcoholic here. I would respect their wishes and make sure they have support in place to talk about all of this with someone.

It’s actually rare for children not to want to see their parent, even a messy alcoholic one. So for them to refuse is a big, brave thing. They need to know that you hear them and you have their backs.

You also say they are living with you temporarily. I think you need to adjust your thinking on this. They are likely going to be living with you full-time for the foreseeable future, not temporarily. If their mum is this unwell, and hallucinations are quite unwell, realistically, she may not get better. Even if she gets sober and lives a long life, they are going to need a stable home and that’s with their dad.

Stop worrying about the exes next move and consider the fact that this is it.

They don’t want to and should not go back.

What is your next move?

I was the child in this situation.

You are not being unreasonable to feel upset about this, your world has been thrown upside down by the children's mother's drinking. HOWEVER, you would be very unreasonable to show this frustration to the children or make them feel they are imposing on you. Their father's home is their home and if their presence means it's no longer a suitable home for your children then one of you will need to move out with your children. This doesn't have to be the end of your relationship you could live apart until kids are older. Ultimately this whole thing is awful and I can see why you're upset but the children are the primary victims in this and as an adult it is your role to support them and put them first.

Very understandable. My late husband was the alcoholic in my scenario, and I know from personal experience how chaotic they are. The stress is immense. As a family you could probably use some support - I suggest contacting AdFam. They will be able to signpost yoj to support for families affected by addiction. (I run a support group for such families, we exist). You don't have to do this alone.

You feel like a victim because you are one; a victim of the alcohol addicted woman.
Your DP has little choice but to work harder and put in more towards his children for the next few years. Not a penny towards alcohol in the sight of his poor children.
Their mother might recover but right now she is not reliable and it is hard for you all.

My ex is an alcoholic. My ds refuses to go to his house where he drinks. DS will see him at our house, but ex has to drive 85 miles to get here. DS' reasoning is that his dad wouldn't do that drunk. It also means that DS won't see his dad around Christmas or New Year because he is invariably drunk.

I support DS in that. Ds lives at mine all year. This is his home.

I was recently in a five year relationship (not living together) and he wanted me to insist ds went to his dad's half the time. I refused and we went our separate ways. Children ALWAYS come first.

So of course your DH must give his children a home.

And now he has to step up and be a full time dad. That is always a possibility in any family.

I have learned my lesson. Never marry a man with kids unless they are grown up.

You have a right to feel like your life has been flipped upside down. But you are coming across very me me me. Your husbands children that you accepted before you married him are going through the toughest time in their life right now and you are writing things about being the victim, or that you’ve learnt your lesson not to marry someone with kids.

OP your feelings of overwhelment are VALID. But you are being very tunnel vision on this. Everything right now is up in the air but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

Your husbands ex is getting help, the kids are with you safe and sound and professionals are aware of the situation. Trust me when I say in a year the situation will most likely be different.

it’s been a few weeks, it’s early days, to consider jumping ship or losing your marriage over this is insanity

Why would your home be the crisis hub? His children are with him 100% of the time and he gets on with things and cares for them, same as you do for your children.
If you need to prioritise your children then yes, splitting up is an option.

I think the first step is assuming that the ex won't get sober and stop taking her into consideration. Assume that 100% residency is now on your DH. So it's child benefit payments, request maintenance payments from the ex etc.

Then it's big stuff like the reality of bedrooms/bathrooms and can you all fit or will you need to look at moving?

Honestly, I wouldn't like that either. It's the lack of control I would struggle with and having (as you rightly put it ..) someone else's chaos thrust upon you.

I'd be worried too about the home being a 'crisis hub'. Even that wording makes it sound temporary- uncertainty and lack of control are two things I'd try and tackle. In my mind, I'd put a minimum 8 month time frame on it. And make the assumption that that they will be with you, permanently, for that timeframe. That way can organise physical / practical stuff around this? (Finance, rooms, school etc).

And then things changed and he stepped up, because his children needed him. Tough on you, but the right thing to do. You have a right to feel bitter and unhappy about it, but he's doing the right thing.

How do you feel about the kids? Instead of focusing on 'chaos' can you not just accept that they live with you full time now and focus on that? Or is that the issue, that you don't want to 'share' your home and husband all the time? If your concern is the 'chaos' then I'd say working on a plan for full custody with supervised access for mum makes sense, which gives you all a more stable platform to work from. If the issue is more that you don't actually want all the kids in the house full time then I agree with pps the only option is to split.

Our situation wasn't the same as yours because there was no blended family issue. However, the issue of refusing contact was identical and would have been even if I had had a new partner with k8ds of their own. A parent will put their children first.