Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unsure about asking my fiancés to take my name?

39 replies

Kuerbis123 · 16/04/2025 09:03

Name changed for this one.

hello everyone!

I am getting married next summer (registry wedding next spring/ winter) and there is still the question of the surname.

My surname is incredibly popular. Think Smith and I honestly wouldn’t mind something a bit more unusual. But my wonderful fiancé‘s name is „Smyth“. Same pronunciation, also incredibly popular, just one different letter.

my fiancé would want us to have the same surname. And whilst he initially had a slight preference for his own surname he has since that initially conversation repeatedly told me that he would gladly take my name. He would also be perfectly fine with double-barrelling.

I personally just feel very unsure about this, tbh. The one thing that’s clear to me is that I would want to have the same surname as the children we will hopefully have.

We are however not allowed to hyphenate our children’s names (that’s the rule where we live) so they‘d either be Smith or Smyth, even if their parents are named Smith-Smyth….

What would you do? Am I placing too much weight on that one single letter? Will it even matter in 10 years?

It somehow feels wrong to just flat out tell me fiancé that I would like him to take my name. He gladly would. But it somehow makes me feel uncomfortable! (Probably Somme hang-ups of mine about surnames, societal expectations etc.)

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
BangersAndGnash · 16/04/2025 16:39

Just ask him to change his spelling to yours.

It isn’t a big deal to ask, and it won’t be controversial as you have indicated that he would gladly change.

Elsvieta · 16/04/2025 16:17

harriethoyle · 16/04/2025 10:02

Why on God's green earth would you remotely consider double barrelling the SAME NAME?! That's the most batshit thing about this post...

Something sort of in the same ballpark has been done I think - Google the Plunkett-Ernle-Erle-Drax family. I think I've seen aristocratic examples where there actually were two spellings of the same surname in a triple or quadruple barrelled name, but can't remember exactly what they were. But unless you're an Earl or a P G Wodehouse character it's probably a tricky one to pull off.

Original poster
Kuerbis123 · 16/04/2025 13:58

DappledThings · 16/04/2025 13:37

I couldn't take his name / his spelling if he wasn't also willing to take mine. That would feel entirely too patriarchal
But he is willing to. He's said so. And you prefer his spelling so why not just change the spelling of your name to your preferred way, happy in the knowledge he would do the same if you wanted him to and not overcomplicated it?

I agree. He absolutely is.

I am simply trying to explain why I am mostly willing to change the spelling of my name, am grateful that he is also willing to change the spelling of his name but fear that I'd be somehow asking too much if I were to ask him to change his spelling to mine even though I know that he would.

And yes, I am realising that I might sound a tiny bit unhinged. Blush Acknowleding that unfortunately doesn't make me any less uneasy about this. Even though it should probably be a non-issue... But it somehow is a rather emotional topic for me personally.

OP posts:
Christmasmorale · 16/04/2025 13:37

Double barrelling would be insane behaviour.

Personally I wouldn’t bother changing my name, and I would choose the one with the least common spelling for the children (since it’s a very common name).

DappledThings · 16/04/2025 13:37

I couldn't take his name / his spelling if he wasn't also willing to take mine. That would feel entirely too patriarchal
But he is willing to. He's said so. And you prefer his spelling so why not just change the spelling of your name to your preferred way, happy in the knowledge he would do the same if you wanted him to and not overcomplicated it?

Gettingbysomehow · 16/04/2025 13:28

Double barrelled names are a pain in the neck, I work in the NHS and if you put a double barrelled ame into any computer it rejects it. You have to mess around with addresses and dates of birth. It's also such a mouthful having to say Mrs Smith-Smyth every time. I've always kept my own name and my DS has my surname too. Men really do have such fragile egos. Why can't he take your name.

Original poster
Kuerbis123 · 16/04/2025 13:23

LavenderBlue19 · 16/04/2025 12:33

Do you feel he would be asking too much, for you to change your spelling to his?

First of all: Thank you - and some other posters - for reframing this as a simple change of spelling and not a change of name. It has offered me some (valuable) perspective!

I couldn't take his name / his spelling if he wasn't also willing to take mine. That would feel entirely too patriarchal.

But no, I woudn't feel that he'd be asking too much (provided he was also willing to change his spelling to mine, which he is). I don't know why.

His father unfortunately died a few years ago so (obviously) can't attend the wedding (my parents and his mother will). Using his version of our surname might be an opportunity to honour my fiancé's late father.

I wouldn't actually call myself "Kuerbis Smith-Smyth". I'd just say "Hello, I am Kuerbis Smith" (or Smyth. Same pronunciation). It would simply be hyphenated on official documents etc...

@MauraLabingi That is a fun idea! Maybe nothing with heights but the concept is fun!

OP posts:
SharpBlueLemur · 16/04/2025 12:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Ariel896 · 16/04/2025 12:54

Oh my god you would call yourself Susie Smith-Smyth? You’ve got to be joking!

skipdiddyskip · 16/04/2025 12:44

My husband took my surname. It was fine. It’s actually simpler it seems for a man to change his name than a woman, paperwork-wise.

Similar sorts of reasons. I wanted our kids to have the same name as both of us. Slightly different in that DH never knew his biological father whose name he was given so he had no emotional tie to the name. I didn’t really want to give mine up for a name that didn’t even have significance to him. So we just went for mine. We did toy with taking his grandparents’ name because they only had girls, all of which married, but it was the same case on my mother’s side so seemed unfair to pick one side or the other if we were going down an unconventional route anyway.

No one bats an eyelid. Everyone who isn’t family assumes that was my husband’s surname. I think if you have practical reasons like we do it’s easily justifiable. It also depends on what your set up is like, I guess. We’re quite young and I guess expected to be quite liberal. If you have a more conservative family, I could see that being difficult. Strangely, my dad actually made much more of a stink about me saying that my title was “Ms” not “Mrs” because he said that it “made me sound divorced” (as if that’s a bad thing?! Plenty of people are…).

DH lives for the “maiden name” box on forms.

LavenderBlue19 · 16/04/2025 12:33

Do you feel he would be asking too much, for you to change your spelling to his?

Original poster
Kuerbis123 · 16/04/2025 12:23

LavenderBlue19 · 16/04/2025 10:08

Why do you feel uncomfortable about him taking your name (or rather, spelling)? I'd be bloody delighted I had a sensible future husband who didn't have a typical male ego.

Just decide whether you want the more or less common surname, and use it. Or alternatively, keep yours, give your kids that one too, and he keeps his.

I don’t know why…
I just have this niggling feeling that I’m somehow asking for too much.

I would have rather liked to change my surname to something a little less popular than “Smith”, tbh. But I somehow managed to fall in love with and get myself engaged to somebody with (essentially) the same surname. So getting a less popular surname unfortunately won’t be possible 🤣

I was in court a few weeks ago and a petitioner, a social worker and I all had the same surname. So that wasn’t confusing at all.

OP posts:
LavenderBlue19 · 16/04/2025 10:08

Why do you feel uncomfortable about him taking your name (or rather, spelling)? I'd be bloody delighted I had a sensible future husband who didn't have a typical male ego.

Just decide whether you want the more or less common surname, and use it. Or alternatively, keep yours, give your kids that one too, and he keeps his.

Apollonia1 · 16/04/2025 10:07

This reminds me of - there was a guy on Made In Chelsea called Ollie Locke, who married someone called Garreth Locke, and they both changed their surnames to Locke-Locke!

harriethoyle · 16/04/2025 10:02

Why on God's green earth would you remotely consider double barrelling the SAME NAME?! That's the most batshit thing about this post...

Chonk · 16/04/2025 09:50

Smith-Smyth would be absolutely ridiculous.

Original poster
Kuerbis123 · 16/04/2025 09:27

Klemamtine · 16/04/2025 09:22

Just seen your update, what a place to live where they dictate your name. What country is this? I am puzzled.

Edited

Switzerland.

an amendment to the current law will (probably) come into effect which would allow hyphenated surnames for married couples (again. It was changed a few years ago and now the whole legalities will most likely change once again. But the legislators have decided that hyphenated surnames for children is one step too far.)

But I couldn’t just decide that I have always wanted to be named “Potter” and go from Ms Smith to Ms Potter. (There are ways to change one’s surname but I would need to make an official request showing that I experience serious disadvantages due to my surname. Having the same name as a mass murdered or a name that sounds incredibly offensive in a national language would probably work.)

OP posts:
TwentyTwentyFive · 16/04/2025 09:24

Klemamtine · 16/04/2025 09:22

Just seen your update, what a place to live where they dictate your name. What country is this? I am puzzled.

Edited

Indeed the rules sound so bonkers I'm surprised they don't have rules in place for you having to take your husbands name.

Klemamtine · 16/04/2025 09:22

Just seen your update, what a place to live where they dictate your name. What country is this? I am puzzled.

Original poster
Kuerbis123 · 16/04/2025 09:21

Summertimeblahness · 16/04/2025 09:18

Add the y from his to the end of yours! Smithy 😂 sorted.

🤣🤣🤣🤣 not allowed, unfortunately.

But we have been joking about „Smyith“ or Smiyth etc…

OP posts:
Klemamtine · 16/04/2025 09:21

Or choose a new name together.

One that is special to both of you. We have had friends with what they would call terrible surnames like Longbottom and Crank so have changed them to places they have been, one of them was Paris which is where they had their honeymoon too. So many choices, choose one.

I would say combine them but in this case it is pointless.

Original poster
Kuerbis123 · 16/04/2025 09:20

LumpyPumpkin · 16/04/2025 09:10

If you were a man you probably wouldn't even be questioning this.

It's your name and your choice. Same for him. If your future husband is happy to do it, then let him.

My first husband took my surname. I had always said I wouldn't change my surname and feel very strongly about it. But it was important to him that we had same surname, so he decided to take mine.

I'm now married to someone else and we have kept our own surnames.

That is probably / certainly true! But I am not and I just feel… guilty?

Smith and Smyth probably wasn’t the best example. Both versions are legitimate and „common“ spellings.

When I have to give my surname (when calling the doctor, talking to new clients etc.) people usually automatically ask whether my name is spelled with an „i“ or a „y“.

We unfortunately aren’t allowed to simply pick a new surname. The laws pertaining to names (especially family names) are incredibly strict here. I would love to use my paternal grandmother’s surname. But that unfortunately isn’t possible.

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 16/04/2025 09:18

I don’t get it. Why would you double barrel and be “Jane Smyth Smith”

I would personally pick the most simple spelled version else you will constantly be correcting people when they assume it’s spelt that way when it isn’t.

Summertimeblahness · 16/04/2025 09:18

Add the y from his to the end of yours! Smithy 😂 sorted.

Summertimeblahness · 16/04/2025 09:16

MesmerisingMuon · 16/04/2025 09:11

As the names are so similar just flip a coin.

Do this.

Them being so similar would to me make it much less of a thing.

Don’t double barrel, it looks and sounds ridiculous. Smith-Smyth!

If you can’t discuss this with your fiancé you probably shouldn’t be getting married tbh.