To think there isn’t a lot of forgiveness if you mess up?

You see it here all the time.
A minor transgression will happen and OP overthinks it to an extent that is almost unhealthy.
People will instead silently seethe, not say anything, give us a backstory of how this person can be difficult and ask us all about whether or not they were unreasonable. And most of these things would be complete non events if the OP could just speak to their friend/tell them no/discuss how they're feeling at the time.
The one that jumps out at me recently is dessertgate where a friend asked for a fork to share a restaurant in a dessert and it became a whole big thing.
I'm Irish and where I am, we just call eachother out in the moment and have a laugh about it if someone is being a donkey.
Now this is specifically talking about the minor transgressions - there's much bigger issues that happen and that's a different story altogether.

I think one problem today is that people's mistakes might be recorded on social media and can then be there to trip them up for the rest of their lives.

I know I don't speak for everyone, but some of us, when we were young might have behaved in ways that make us cringe now we are mature adults. Thankfully, my young days were long ago pre-internet so hopefully my youthful indiscretions are forgotten and lost in the mists of time. Younger people don't necessarily have that comfort.

I went no contact through abuse.

SS and the police were involved. I'd potentially have lost my children if I hadn't gone nc - and rightly so.

It's something I mention on here but it's not something I talk about generally. Most people who know me would say they don't know anyone who is nc with a family member.

I do agree that your summary is probably becoming more common though.

When I was young people were supposed to respect their parents no matter what.

Would you respect your parents for abusing you then abusing your child or letting the others abuse you when in their care?
Would you respect your parents for neglecting you as a child and not providing basics (food,clothes,medical care) even if they were able to?

Valid enough in my opinion to cut off and go no contact.

Respect is earned not given.

As for forgiveness- sometimes forgiving means that we can move on and no longer feel tied to the person that did us wrong. It doesn’t mean we have to maintain the relationship/contact.

Agree with PP about inability/unwilingness to recognise the wrongdoing and apologise but it also goes both ways.
Some people are offended by literally anything and constant treading on eggshells around them is exhausting.

I think the cutting contact thing is a Mn quirk because a disproportionate number on here are just very poor at handling relationships at all, particularly complicated ones. People with poor boundaries and a history of privately resentful people-pleasing tend to overreact, blow up and cut contact rather than take responsibility for contributing to the dynamic by their own poor communication.

Dependant on situation and people. Women I often find are far more forgiving than men and will give chance after chance to some Billy Big Bollocks if it means keeping their family together because they love him. He would drop her in a heartbeat if it was in his best interests and sod the family.

Often I find people don't see the warning shots - see the threads about ghosting - where one friend is politely telling the other they are crossing lines then has to draw the line one final time. Often this is taken as harsh without much reflection on behaviour.

The unforgiving used to be mainly directed at women. It's why I struggled with religion and my Irish husband rejected some of the attitudes of his roman Catholic upbringing. Men could confess and be forgiven for child sexual abuse, but the stigma of having a baby out of wedlock, never went away. I still think that women are judged more harshly. Even on here, MIL, SIL etc are the subject of the post because the poor brother/FIL are obviously beguiled by their manipulative partner.

I think, as I have said before, that this kind of thread is self selecting....mostly people will only want to contribute if they have got skin in the game. I wonder what "mistake" the OP has in mind?

Agree tht being unforgiving is very in fashion.

But I also think women are socialised to be people pleasers, to put themselves second in relationships and be accepting of others behaviours no matter what. When we stop that we do appear less forgiving when maybe we are setting better boundaries.

I think our media/news outlets have taken to hounding people, someone always has to be to blame and be held to account, interviews with public figures and politicians are full of aggressive recrimination, it doesn't exactly encourage forgiveness.
I recently had a few days in a remote corner of south west Ireland, there weren't that many tourists and it was noticeable how every person greeted everyone else, people were warm and helpful and went out of their way to be kind. The UK has become very atomised, the population has increased rapidly, we're all in cars a lot of the time, we're irritable and stressed, forgiveness is hard to find when we don't have time and space.
Bit of a sociologist's reply (!). I'm sure some will hate it, I try to rationalise what feels like an uncaring society around, we all make mistakes but if you don't feel you have much social support, if you're lonely, then being unforgiving is maybe some kind of vengeful reaction?

I think so.

It's important to have boundaries and not take abuse but there's been a definite shift over the last decade or so, in part influenced by pop-psychology where people's expectations of others can be so high and social media-influenced attitudes of cutting people out of your life for differences in opinion or because they failed to meet your expectations.

I’m finding this an interesting discussion.

I have spent years accepting poor behaviour from others, always making excuses and feeling shit about myself because I couldn’t get them to treat me better. Then one day during Covid a colleague shouted at me, and then sent me a long message explaining why she was right to shout at me. It was a revelation. This could only happen because I continually forgave people’s behaviour, seeing it as just mistaken and not what it actually was, selfish fuckerry

So I stopped. I now I take a moment, think about their actions, and do what suits me. If I think it was a mistake and the person meets me half way with an apology I will 100% forgive. If they act entitled to treat me like shit, nope, that’s a sign to move on.

I didn’t forgive a friend for something recently. She behaved in an unkind way, disappeared for 6 months and then came back as if nothing had happened. When I challenged this she didn’t think she had behaved badly, that I didn’t deserve an explanation for her behaviour and couldn’t understand why I would want or need one.

so I didn’t forgive. She was going through a tough time, I was empathetic but while people are responsible for their actions we are also responsible for how we let people treat us.

It's worth remembering that historically speaking, the concept of genuine forgiveness, redemption, and the possibility of 'moving on' is an unusual one. Most cultures across history have required atonement / retribution for wrongdoing, without a mechanism for genuine forgiveness.

Our concepts of forgiveness in the West are unavoidably bound up in our Christian heritage, in the belief that everyone is a recipient of undeserved mercy, and so we should forgive others freely and not demand personal retribution.

As we have secularised and moved away from this understanding, I think there is increasing confusion about when and how to forgive, and an increasing return to the demand for public atonement. There is no obvious way for wrongdoers to be redeemed (just think about how some people have had careers and reputations ruined by public shaming).

Also, without a foundational belief that we will one day answer for everything we have done, and face judgment for it, there's just less of an incentive to try to treat each other decently. We are more likely to do what we think looks good in the eyes of others, and / or do wrong if we think we can get away without anyone catching us. Sure a belief in divine judgment is scary, but it also acts as a deterrent to lots of behaviour that people today think they can get away with.

I think forgiveness massively depends on whether the person making the mistake is truly sorry. Often they’re not and just sorry they were caught out.

We might need some concrete examples. Mainly because I don’t recognise your experience in my day to day life. Silly daft things happen all the time in my workplace and friendship circles, but everyone moves on pretty quickly and it becomes the thing we laugh about . The things that aren’t forgotten tend to be pretty big ones or repeat offences , and while (most) everyone is civil and polite , yes the issue is still “there”.

My DH has made a massive, marriage-ending mistake. I’m devastated of course but I also feel a huge amount of empathy for him and his regret. None of my friends will ever know what he did because he would then always be tarred with THAT brush. The punishment would not fit the crime.

Some people describe things as “mistakes” when they are really not - affairs and infidelities for example. They are calculated bad behaviour.

Ir all depends on the mistake doesn't it? There is a huge difference in between forgetting something and manslaughter. And people perceive things differently, my small slight could be your unforgivable trespass.
Add in social media, and some events will haunt you forever, forgiveness or no.

I dislike being told to forgive and forget. No one should be allowed to use that phrase about their own actions.

I only struggle with forgiveness if the person doesn’t apologise or show they are sorry. I know some people (my mother) never use the word sorry. And some people say “I’m sorry BUT …..”, then project the mistake onto me and try to twist it into my fault. Those sorts of people I do hold grudges against!

I also find generally in life if a good person makes one mistake they are sometimes ostracised for it and all of the good is forgotten, where as if a bad person actually does one thing good for a change they are treated like a saint and people are expected to just forget all of the wrong they have done.

I think we need some examples.
I find most mistakes are totally foreseeable with a bit if common sense. Unfortunately that’s in short supply.

Surely it depends on the mistake?
While apologising and taking responsibility can go a long way, some things are too big to simply be forgotten just because you said sorry.

It depends. I think some people are naturally inclined to forgive and forget, particularly if they like the person and enjoy their company. Others will find it harder to forget even if they try and and as you say, some will alter their view of someone permanently.

I did some wild/stupid/thoughtless things in my teenage years and it feels like my parents never forgave me. I'm 50 now and still feel as if they view me as a disappointment who let them down.

In contrast my husband's best friend can be incredibly rude and selfish but people seem to forgive him anything because he's naturally charismatic and fun company most of the time.