SAHM vs working parent split.

And I’m a total night owl op. I try hard to get to bed before midnight- then dh leaves early for work (he has to) so I am solo getting up 3 young dc and doing two drop offs and getting myself to work. I’m not watching tv every night that’s for sure! I’m more often doing some work to be honest.

Oh my god I cannot believe you have been supporting this selfish arse.

dh we need to talk. I’ve been thinking, I don’t get time for hobbies. I don’t get time to watch tv. I do however get a husband who manages quite a lot of time for both, asks me to help for the prep so he can do his hobbies which takes me an entire afternoon, whinges and is a huge downer to be around but does not even notice I don’t get ANY of the the free time you do, and I think it’s taken me a long time but im sitting here thinking why the fuck am I putting up with this?? So here’s the deal, no I can’t help prep for your fucking hobby, you will have to take it from your fucking tv time, and you need to stop moaning and complaining you’re tired or I will, immediately, start taking as much personal time as you do and you will facilitate it. You could even spend an entire Saturday afternoon looking after the baby and prepping stuff for me, since you think it’s reasonable for me to.

one grumble this week and you are solo parent and housekeeper from 8:30am Saturday till 2pm. ONE SINGLE MOAN.

That way he won’t need to watch DD whilst I dish up and I can ensure the kitchen is tidy beforehand.

But what about engaging with his child? It sounds like the only reason he tolerates her is to free you up to serve his dinner for a couple of minutes then he is off the clock again. This isn't on, he should be spending time with her. Toddlers are hard work of course but parents are supposed to love them and want to be with them, not just see them as a chore.

I think the division of labour is OK in a general way but not the childcare element. He should be doing bed time a few nights a week. It's important for them to bond. If you've been 10 hours already full on with DD you need a break from her, and she from you.

He is trying to keep his old life and habits and it isn't working. He needs to find a new more efficient way to wind down and rest.

I think he’s doing quite a lot really, he’s working full time and got the mental strain of also keeping you all afloat financially. He’s going to bed too late but it sounds he needs the time to decompress as he’s going from a day of work pressure to an evening of house toddler pressure - they are hard work. I have two kids and ours is similar split but I am going back to work PT post maternity. I think your DH is doing a little more than mine but mine I feel does do a lot. I wouldn’t stop meal times together I know from personal experience and open dialogue DH needs to have that social time as it can be very isolating working all day and not really seeing other people and I would expect more so if WFH 4 days. 2.30am is obviously too late but this age with kids is very hard and he’s got the work pressure on top. You will both be tired - I know we are here! When DH was staying up really late I used to suggest we watch something together in bed once DC had gone to sleep - DH would always fall asleep about 10pm…Maybe an idea you could try as my DH used to stay up super late too. Now we’ve got two kids that doesn’t happen we would all sleep at 8pm if we could!

I was always the same as your husband with regards to not being able to go to sleep until I had unwound for a couple of hours. But I didn't get to sleep in or avoid child care and night feeds. I just ran myself into the ground instead.

It wasn't until after my ADHD diagnosis and proper medication that things improved. But I was still unable to get to sleep for hours until recently when my new psychiatrist prescribed Clonidine and everything fell into place. It really has been a miracle drug for me and changed everything.

I'm not saying your husband has ADHD, but it definitely sounds as though he has a sleep disorder that needs looking at. However, sleep disorder or not, his attitude sounds pretty unfair, and I don't blame you for feeling incredibly frustrated.

The division of labour seems pretty reasonable to me.

Like others have said it seems clear the main issue is that he is a night owl. This can be a real problem for people and it’s not always something people can help - I’m a night owl too and the baby and toddler years were the worst for me because of this! Much easier now my son is a teenager 🤣 The getting up at 8.45 and people saying how ridiculous this was and that nobody does this made me laugh - I totally do this - I’m a GP and start work at 09.30 close by my home. So yeah 8.45 is about when I get up on a workday (I sleep much later at the weekends!) And I’m rarely in bed before midnight.

Having said that even night owls can get themselves into a slightly less night owl routine if they really want to/need to, though it may take serious effort and unfortunately can slip back fairly easily to the usual default setting so it’s often a seriously uphill battle. So often working with the night owl nature to a certain extent rather than against it is best though I agree also he needs to accept that he has family responsibilities to think about and curb the TV watching late at night a bit. I think his doing the nighttime wakenings to allow a bit more slack during the daytime (would it?) might perhaps would work much better for you both but I get the issue with you breastfeeding to settle the child. If that’s not super important to you your child would probably eventually get used to settling themselves without breastfeeding though?

My other thought was that if he works from home, could he change his hours slightly to start a bit earlier and finish a bit earlier? Even shifting things by one hour forward? Might “force” him into a slightly less night owl routine and allow a bit more wind down time (and time to do domestic chores and spend time with your child and you before he gets too tired and it gets too late) in the evenings.

I think it’s pretty normal for both parents to feel quite tired and zombie-like for the first few years of parenting to be honest and it can be hard to adapt previous habits to a new normal.

I didn't get past:

the rest of the days his alarm goes off at 8:45

Your division of labour seems fair. But life with a toddler will never be easy!

My DH relies on the tv to fall asleep... he needs to put on mindless entertainment and it's his way of decompressing and clearing away the stress from work. It's a lifelong habit and he hasn't been able to break it.

I'd say he needs to go to the GP to figure out why he is so tired. Suggest in preparation for his appointment that he keeps a sleep diary - one that notes everything ie time going to bed, approximate time he stays awake after his head hits the pillow, any night wakings, how he feels first thing in the morning, any slow points during the day when he is feeling knackered. If he keeps it for 3 weeks then that will give the GP a good idea of what is going on.

Could you go to the appointment with him if possible? That way you will know what is said. Sell it to him as the opportunity to answer any questions the GP may have re snoring, tossing and turning etc. Then he needs to act on the GP's advice. If he doesn't then you know it is just that he is lazy and selfish. Counselling would be the next step. I'd consider booking it in now as its clear that your needs are not being taking into account and there is a communication issue. Wishing you all the best

It all sounds like a bit of a pressure cooker with him WFH full time and you at home with the little one. I wonder if his mental health is suffering.

I know plenty of people do it these days, but it doesn't work for everyone.

Has he been to the GP? To rule out any underlying issues for his tiredness and to check for depression.

On the face of it, his sleep habits clearly aren't working. Did he stay up late before you had a child? What time does your toddler go to bed? I've struggled massively with "me" time since having children. I need a couple of hours without having to deal with squabbling, requests for entertainment etc and mine are lousy sleepers which pushes my sleep time back. Whilst I will be up earlier than your dh, I find even if I'm in bed by 10, I'll still be awake by 1 which is just a frustrating waste of time.

He needs to step up.
Get earlier to bed, earlier to work and accept he has a family. He isn't a bachelor.

It sounds like a reasonable split, and he really sounds like he's going to bed too late. Why does it upset you so much that he feels tired though? You're both allowed to feel tired. I just wondered from here
"It’s like he’s paralysed with exhaustion. Cannot enjoy anything. Things that should be enjoyable seem like a task. It’s soul destroying for me as I’m starting to dread weekends with him moping around/yawning/counting down the minutes until he can flop in front of the tv."
That sounds like he might be feeling a bit depressed?

Bloody hell. I’m a night owl, always have been, total night body clock and my preference would be 2am to bed and 10am up. But I have two small children so I go to bed at 930-10 and get up at 630. Because that’s what you have to do.

Your split of chores is fine. The issue is his bedtime. Absolutely ludicrous to moan about being tired when he doesn’t go to bed until hours and hours after your child is in bed. You honestly shouldn’t be doing anything further to accommodate him, every time he complains he is tired just tell him to go to bed earlier. Every time somebody comments that he looks tired tell them it’s because he watches TV until 2am.

As an aside, if he really is a night owl the solution is that he does all night feeds/wakes so you sleep through and he then can justify a bit of a lie in. That’s what we did. I did all night feeds and wakes from 8pm and then go to sleep until 730 when we had babies that woke a lot. Not sure if yours still does.

What 50 plates are you spinning? I’m not being sarcastic, genuinely wondering. All seems very dramatic with one toddler.

I have to disagree with a lot of people here.

Him never doing bedtime and only looking after his child one morning a week? That’s not on. He needs to sort out his priorities. If he refuses to let go of his tv habits he can look at shortening it down. Instead of going to bed at 1-2.30 he should look to go to bed at midnight and slowly make his bedtimes earlier.

For reference when our DD was a baby and toddler we would alternate bedtimes, who got up with her in the mornings, dinners (the one not cooking would clean up after). I always did more than my DH as he works away a lot but it would be 50/50 when he was at home. I worked full time in periods and was a SAHM for a couple years. When I was a SAHM I did all the cleaning, tidying, most of the cooking but we still shared bedtimes and wake ups

This. I’d look shattered if I stayed up till 2 am too, even though I don’t have a toddler. But I doubt anyone would feel sorry for me. It’s just a bad habit and poor sleep hygiene.

Change up bedtime routine. Quick bf and hand over to dh and go to bed yourself. Make use of his night owl tendencies

To be honest - I think you’re both being very melodramatic. ‘Over and above spinning 50 plates a day to keep the house running smoothly’ - you are a SAHM to one toddler. Him? He’s working 4 days a week so part time, and sleeping most days until nearly 9am, and is so tired he’s being ‘ground into the ground’?
Nothing in your description of your life seems overly onerous or above the bounds of life with a child - I’d say both of you have a pretty good deal.

And he’s just doing normal stuff. He’s not doing more than I would expect or an excessive amount to cause exhaustion, it’s just normal family life. My husband works full time from home mainly, although does occasionally have to do site visits, but he does everything on your list, as well as doing half the school/nursery runs for two kids, bedtimes 50% of the time, getting up as a family at 7ish together, has kids solo in evenings a fair bit as I have voluntary commitments, plus other house and family stuff and manages fine.

The issue is his poor sleep schedule and choices he’s making, not because he’s working himself to the bone parenting or with family life.

This
he may have sleep disorder / overactive mind
he should see GP. Maybe melatonin could help.
Perhaps he can fit his tv watching in earlier in evening.

Yeah he’s got it pretty good tbh. He sleeps in till 8:45 most weekdays, works from home so no commute, manages to have the energy to watch TV till silly o’clock, doesn’t have to do bedtimes.

Sometimes my husband gets absorbed in something and stays up till 2am. Difference is he has to get up same time as ever (which is usually 6:30-7 as that’s when kids get up, we both get up with them), and he doesn’t complain about being tired because he knows he’s brought it on himself! So if he chooses to stay up late then he’s just got to deal with the consequences. He’ll get no special treatment or sympathy!

’do not want to solo parent DD until midday whilst he recovers from watching television until stupid o’clock’

This is not on either. Midday is ridiculous, just because he’s stayed up watching TV.

I’m sorry but I honestly believe your job is childcare and the house. So I think he does quite a lot. I don’t think it’s fair to expect him to do half the housework and work.