SAHM vs working parent split.

He sounds very selfish.

Yeah, but then he won’t have the massive financial and mental burden of being the sole support for three people.

A stress that is always minimized here.

The problem IMHO is that he wants to carry on leading the life he had before your baby was born (staying up late, doing his hobbies) and he's struggling to adapt to life being different now. Yes, he's always been a "night owl" but life is different now and he has a responsibility to manage his tiredness levels so that he's able to function properly.

I think the major problem for lots of women with being a SAHM (even just the period of maternity leave) is that they assume responsibility for pretty much everything domestic and it is incredibly hard to change that pattern.

The key factor in him doing his fair share is not so much whether he's doing enough around the house but whether you are both getting equal leisure time. It really doesn't sound like that is the case. I would be having serious words with him about him needing to find a way to change his sleep habits so that he's not so exhausted. Maybe the TV watching needs to be swapped for a run or something physical that will help him switch off and feel tired. It's just not good enough to say that's just how he is, his first responsibility now is to his family.

Honestly you are part of the problem we have with grown men who are absolutely useless but think they deserve praise for doing the absolute basics. My husband works five days, more hours, and does far more than OP’s DH and doesn’t sleep in till almost 9am every day.

Most of his chores are centred around himself. What did he do before kids? Probably the exact same chores. No one would tell a childless individual that doing your own laundry and making your own lunch and taking the bins out is ‘lots’. It’s the absolute basics of being an adult.

Being a SAHP doesn’t mean you are a parent to your husband. Outside of his working hours, he contributes to the family and does his share of chores that are left, because that’s how a partnership works.

I feel sorry for anyone who has been in a marriage or relationship where the man doing the bare minimum has been normalised to them. It shouldn’t be the norm.

This bloke has it made IMO! He’s only working four days and it’s from home, lies in most days, does barely any looking after of his own child, chooses to stay up till 2am watching TV, and has the gall to say he’s exhausted about it 🤷‍♀️

Why can't he watch his TV shows during the day (weekends or lunch breaks) rather than staying up until the early hours?

What else does he do?? Cough cough. Well he has a job for a start. Honestly some folk.

Waking up at 8:45 when you start work at 9:30 is out of order when you are raising tiny people. Fine when child free but not when your other half is up parenting and after being up in the night. If he was working till 1am and needed a lie in then that’s different. But he’s choosing to stay up late and watch TV, that’s on him. Me and my husband are happy if we get 1 episode of something on the TV before bed. Just don’t have the time and we accept this is part of life now. This is his real problem not the toddler. Although in fairness they are exhausting too but it sounds like you cover the majority of the childcare.

If OP gets a job then he'll likely have to do more in the way of household chores surely.

It seems as if his chores are
Putting his own clothes away
Making his own breakfast and lunch
Emptying the bins (this takes generally about a minute, and is possibly not daily)
Washing up

And as OP is at home she is doing (obviously) the daily childcare but the bulk of weekend and evening childcare, and household chores....
If they were both out at work they would need to split more evenly.

This.

My Step-Mum died a few months ago after years of illness.

My Dad now goes to bed much, much earlier than ever before because he feels like he's already had enough down-time during the day. Before she died he had caring responsibilities all day and just really felt like he needed to watch TV for a few hrs after step-Mum went to bed to stay sane and feel like he'd had some time just to himself.

So he works part time and his contribution to the housework consists of things like putting his own clothes away which you have laundered, a task even toddlers do?

Something is not right. Staying up to watch tv until 2am is clearly a daft thing to do with a toddler but if he doesn’t then get up until 8,45 he’s not that short of sleep. Sounds like either something else is going on or he needs to go to the gp.

I don't know why either parent is so stressed though, it would be very different if one was out of the house all day with a long commute...

I'm not over the amount of people who thinks he does a lot. He does the bins and tidies up after the dinner that's made for him. What else does he do? I'd imagine he's doing less now that his wife's a sahm.

For me it's the lack of break between work/home/looking after dc. Mentally I would find that really hard, it's hard enough doing it without working.

I’m not a SAHM anymore, but when I was this was pretty much our division of labour expect my DH did more cooking. Other people’s husband’s with the same job did a lot less. But years later they are struggling with going back to work and unfairness/resentment in their marriage. So many relationships with children are deeply unequal. So if you compare yourself it will seem that way. But when you choose to go back to work, have another baby etc you’ll be glad. Your husband has it within his control to be less tired. He chooses something else. Zero judgement because I do the same all the time! But don’t let it make you feel guilty.

He needs to grow up and get to bed at a reason hour. He’s acting like a teenager.

I’m also surprised that people think he does ‘a lot’! He’s sleeping till almost 9am most days with a sedentary working from home job?! He does some basic chores, the kind of stuff he would have to do before kids, and that’s about it? The division of chores is fine if OP is happy with it but he’s hardly burning himself out on family life and chores, let’s be honest!

It's not general life with a toddler that's burning him out. It's watching films til 1am. Surely everyone can see that. The split of chores sounds completely normal

He needs to get to bed earlier. I wouldn’t entertain him complaining he is tired and blaming a toddler when he is up until 2am. Absolute joke. He doesn’t do too much, putting out the bins and washing up? He lives in the house too. Equally SAHM to one toddler isn’t spinning 50,000 plates. I agree that life for both of you doesn’t sound that stressful. He works 4 days and has no commute, dinner on the table. You both need to do more things together. Watch a TV show in bed at 9am, and he can get up earlier to spend time with his DD before he starts work.

His life sounds a real drag. Working from home with a toddler and expected to do chores. You need a reality check and a job.

I'm not over the amount of people who thinks he does a lot. He does the bins and tidies up after the dinner that's made for him. What else does he do? I'd imagine he's doing less now that his wife's a sahm.

I'm a stay at home parent too, and one thing that's hard to sort in your head is that minding children isn't just childcare, it's also parenting. So dh needs to do bedtimes and mealtimes sometimes so that the kids have two parents, and not to "give me a break" but to participate in raising his children.

I actually think he does quite a lot considering he's working

The division sounds okay, but I think what he is likely struggling with is the lack of proper down time.

Agree, he wants to switch off from work & actually wfh & without a commute that can be harder to do hence staying up watching tv.

Sounds like an addiction to the TV. I've just been listening to the Dopamine episode from 'Diary of a CEO'.. and the things you describe seem to fit the consequences of addiction (nothing else is enjoyable, waiting to get a 'fix', impacting relationships, it taking over all thoughts,).

Perhaps he needs to see how he can get help with that?

Honestly, with 2 toddlers? I'm usually asleep by 9:30 (one up through the night) and they're up around 6:30 and even that's not enough. But my husband would love to lie in bed till he has to log on- wouldn't we all love a lie in til 8:45?? But if he's ignoring his alarm, I literally put the kids on the bed, and say, "I'm just off for a shower". And walk out the door. Works every time. Shouldn't really have to, but there we go. Oh, and he "helps' (well, PARENTS - not 'watches') a fair share.

As I see it, this sleep deprivation thing is a relatively short phase of life (fingers crossed), so it's all hands on deck till then!!

I’m a night owl and I get up at 6:30 to get dc to school before getting myself to work!! Dh knew I was a night owl but assumed I’d also be a contributing member of the team. Night owl my ass, if I’m up watching tv I’m folding washing at the same time.

But you knew he was a night owl when you decided to have children with him.

Tbh I found the lack of me time the worst part of motherhood in the early years and even when they got older, working and household stuff took all my time. I regularly stayed up late watching TV or reading. What time does baby settle for the evening? I'll be honest DH sounds like he's pulling his weight to me. Does baby nap? My DH constantly complains of tiredness too. It is annoying as he is retired and I have a physical job. Does your partner drink much, does he wat healthily? Is he worried about being the only breadwinner?