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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you were out for a walk with your adult kids/DGC…

64 replies

oppieno · 15/04/2025 20:06

And you stopped at a cafe for a hot drink and a cake, would you always try to pay the bill if you could easily afford it? Especially if you knew they were on less money and had young kids. I don’t want to offend anyone who might be proud, but feel it is only fair and the kind thing to do.

YABU = no, it should be split evenly
YANBU = it would be mean to not pay if you are comfortable and they are your DC/DGC who you don’t often see

OP posts:
Aparecium · 15/04/2025 21:53

Absolutely I would, and do (dc, no dgc yet). My dad never lets any of us put our hand in our wallet when we are out together. Dh likes to pay his way, and he only gets to do that if he sneaks away from the table and pays before dad asks for the bill. But he doesn't do that very often as it actually upsets my dad.

Whoarethoseguys · 15/04/2025 21:40

I would always pay for my children and grandchildren

YouBelongWithMe · 15/04/2025 21:39

YouBelongWithMe · 15/04/2025 21:37

I think it depends.

We were out on a walk with MIL this week (me, DH, two of our kids, 18 and 13). We stopped for coffee and cake.

She tried to offer but we pointed out that hers was only one of five of us. We absolutely expect to pay in situations like that. The bill was about £30 and she was only a fiver of it.

When I meet my parents for coffee I tend to take it turn about.

We both work f/t in professional roles, and we chose to have three kids. Our families should pick up the tab for our choices.

But yes, I think I'll try and treat our adults kids and their families when tje time comes.

Just realised I didn't actually answer the Q!

YouBelongWithMe · 15/04/2025 21:37

I think it depends.

We were out on a walk with MIL this week (me, DH, two of our kids, 18 and 13). We stopped for coffee and cake.

She tried to offer but we pointed out that hers was only one of five of us. We absolutely expect to pay in situations like that. The bill was about £30 and she was only a fiver of it.

When I meet my parents for coffee I tend to take it turn about.

We both work f/t in professional roles, and we chose to have three kids. Our families should pick up the tab for our choices.

AhBiscuits · 15/04/2025 21:37

My inlaws always pay if we go out anywhere. They want to and are wealthy. I think I will do the same for my kids.

DaisyChain505 · 15/04/2025 21:35

If I could afford it, 100% yes every time.

Obvnotthegolden · 15/04/2025 21:34

I always pay for adult dcs and dgc.
My lovely mil always insists on paying but we can often convince her to go halves.

My own dm expects me to pay, very rarely offers to pay and I don't even see her that often. However she always pays for my db.

Can't imagine asking or expecting adult children or especially adult dgc to pay for me!

AprilBunny · 15/04/2025 21:33

I don’t have DGC but I always pay when out with my adult DC. I send them home with a bag of groceries and some nice treats too.

MattCauthon · 15/04/2025 21:30

If we are out walking with the DC and my dad he considers it a Grandpa perk to be the one buying coffee and ice creams!

We do insist he lets us pay for other things or treat him at home etc.

theothersideofmidnight · 15/04/2025 21:30

Whether I can "afford" to pay or not, provided that the money's in my account, I'm paying! I don't get to see my family that often, so it's my treat to me to be able to make that small gesture.

doodleygirl · 15/04/2025 21:28

I pay,

ScaryM0nster · 15/04/2025 21:26

I mean apart from anything else, if you’re likely to pay care fees or inheritance tax on your estate then it’s poor financial planning to not pay for them.

I’d say they’d be spoilt brats to expect it, but that it’s a nice treat rather than an insult for you to offer and do it most times.

GreatTheCat · 15/04/2025 21:24

I always pay for my adult son / DIL and GC. I offer, they mostly accept.

LuluDelulu · 15/04/2025 21:16

No, you should definitely pay. If you’re wealthier than your offspring then money really should flow down, not up.

Sonolanona · 15/04/2025 21:09

My Mum still tries to pay for me every time... and I'm 57 😂
DD and I tend to share the bills, as we are together most days ..she earns more and I do the childcare so if it's day trips, she'll pay one time, I'll pay the next, but if we are just grabbing a coffee, or a bit of shopping or a treat for the kids.. I prefer to pay :) It just feels right.

tinyspiny · 15/04/2025 20:54

We don’t have grandchildren but I’m always willing to pay when I’m out with my adult children although to their credit they are also willing to pay

huuskymam · 15/04/2025 20:47

I have 2 adult kids and pre teen, adult kids are in reasonably good jobs. When we go out as a family me/dh will always pay. It's just normal for us even though they do offer. I do days trips with my mam and sis regularly, and we wouldn't let our mam pay even though it bugs her.

Mandylovescandy · 15/04/2025 20:43

My parents often pay for me - sometimes I feel a bit embarrassed that they are always treating us but we can't afford it and I wouldn't choose to stop at a cafe for that reason. Also I know parents, and especially dad, want to do it and how he likes to show his love

HappyHappyy · 15/04/2025 20:33

My parents always insist on paying. It’s not worth the arguing anymore, they won’t back down. We are very lucky.

Teenagerantruns · 15/04/2025 20:26

My Dad is 83 he never let's me pay for anything, l also normally treat my adult children l have alot more disposable income than them, l only see them every few months due to distance so its not like I'm paying weekly.

Jessica5678 · 15/04/2025 20:26

My parents always pay in those scenarios. Both sides can easily afford it and they always want to so I just let them. It’s not a pride issue for me. I wouldn’t let them pay for my house or my car or a holiday, but I’m not going to argue over the cost of a coffee and cake.

I’d be pretty cross if they expected my kids to pay for them in the way your friend expects though, that’s not fair.

TuckedUpInBedWithAPackOfCremeEggs · 15/04/2025 20:24

It’s a lovely think to do and my mum always ftold es the same.

But if they started to expect it, it would be a different matter…

pizzaHeart · 15/04/2025 20:24

In my family we all would. Don’t think my MIL would in this particular situation as she would enjoy the feeling of “being treated” however she would be generous in other situations.

Poonu · 15/04/2025 20:23

oppieno · 15/04/2025 20:16

I was talking to my friend about it and she laughed and said she’d asked her granddaughter to buy her a coffee and thought that was only fair. It made me wonder if I’d been overly generous and embarrassed my own lot

Edited

In our family we fight over who pays (everyone wants to pay)

Itsjustnotthevibe · 15/04/2025 20:22

My parents will always pay when we are out even if I try and say no, I am never offended and it nice to still feel like they are looking after me.

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