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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you were out for a walk with your adult kids/DGC…

64 replies

oppieno · 15/04/2025 20:06

And you stopped at a cafe for a hot drink and a cake, would you always try to pay the bill if you could easily afford it? Especially if you knew they were on less money and had young kids. I don’t want to offend anyone who might be proud, but feel it is only fair and the kind thing to do.

YABU = no, it should be split evenly
YANBU = it would be mean to not pay if you are comfortable and they are your DC/DGC who you don’t often see

OP posts:
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FleaBeeBob · 16/04/2025 17:26

I’d pay. If I didn’t want to pay for everyone I’d say

Recycledblonde · 16/04/2025 17:24

We always pay the bill if we go out to lunch with our adult children. They aren’t poor ( no grandchildren yet) but they all have mortgages to pay and we don’t.
We also used to pay when we took my parents out because we knew they had very little money and we were well paid.

DinoLil · 16/04/2025 17:24

I couldn't afford to pay but have paid for my DM when I stay with her. I split the cost when adult DC stay with me (they don't offer to pay for me and they're working ft !).

MeAndMyCatCharlotte · 16/04/2025 17:20

My parents always paid the restaurant/cafe bills when we got together and my IL's were the same. I would pay if I took my dc out (young adults).

BurntBroccoli · 16/04/2025 17:16

I can’t really afford it but I still always pay as my kids have even less money!

AffIt · 16/04/2025 17:13

We have a 75/25 ratio.

I'm a high earner and I like to look after my mum, but she also has her pride (and tbh, is not on the breadline), so we have a slightly unequal split.

It's about knowing when to pick your battles.

MarxistMags · 16/04/2025 16:56

Yes I always pay. I want to. It's a Mum thing I think.
I remember going on a bus with my mum when I was in my 40's and she paid my bus fare !

FrenchandSaunders · 16/04/2025 16:51

We pay for our DDs and partners when we're all out together. We're at a very different stage of life and much more disposable income.

However, what are your feelings on bringing a bottle when they're invited for dinner at ours? They rarely bring one but tend to drink a lot of ours 😁

Maddy70 · 16/04/2025 11:16

I always do. And my. Mum pays for me :)

Lovelysummerdays · 16/04/2025 11:15

Older relatives would normally pay. I’d offer but they would insist. I have a childless uncle who gives me pocket money when he sees me a couple of times a year. I’m 45!

CurlewKate · 16/04/2025 11:10

Yes. Unless one of them had specifically said “I’ll get this, mum.” I do love it when they do that-because I love that they are adults.

MincemeatMaestro · 16/04/2025 10:28

My parents are very comfortably off and will usually treat us, which is lovely and we're very grateful. Finances are tighter for my in-laws so we'll normally pay for our own and they'll pay for theirs and that's absolutely fine too.

Franjipanl8r · 15/04/2025 23:29

I think it’s natural to want to pay for those who are younger and you care for. But it really depends on who earns what. My DM’s been struggling for work recently and I’ve treated her more than usual. If she’s working, she treats me.

uncomfortablydumb60 · 15/04/2025 23:08

Yes, I always pay.. but now they are all earning well, I accept their offers to pay on special occasions, like Mother’s Day or birthday instead of a gift.

Nina1013 · 15/04/2025 22:53

We pay for absolutely everything for my mum. We even put fuel in her car (that we also provide for her). However, she helps us out with practical things when we need her to, and we have a lot more money than she does. When we see her, we pay for everything - we also take her on holidays, weekends away and she has a credit card of ours to use.

She helped me out financially when I was a single parent, and I’ll never forget it, even though it was a very long time ago now.

When our daughter goes out with her Granny, she uses her Apple Pay (linked to our card) to pay for everything too.

DonewhatIcando · 15/04/2025 22:53

I always pay.
Dd and dsil do offer but I usually just say "my treat"
Their combined income is a lot more than mine but my mortgage is paid off, I have more disposable income.
They have a mortgage and a new baby.

Ladyymuck · 15/04/2025 22:47

I always pay

Flossflower · 15/04/2025 22:45

We always pay for our children and grandchildren and have insisted it will always be like this. Our children are the ones with mortgages and their own children to pay for. If we go out as a whole family it saves hassle when the bill comes.

Threecraws · 15/04/2025 22:33

As a child I would never expect my parents to pay but also they would never allow me to pay. It does really depend on the family dynamics though.

EmmaEmEmz · 15/04/2025 22:27

My mum always pays, even though I offer. My parents are financially comfortable whereas we aren't, and we don't get to see them often so she loves treating us

BlueMum16 · 15/04/2025 22:23

My lovely Dad always paid for me and my DC even though I probably earned double what he did.

I hope I can do the same for my DC. I do at the moment but they are only just 18 and at uni so no regular job.

saraclara · 15/04/2025 22:20

I nearly always pay, but do let my DDs pay occasionally, when the bill isn't going to be a lot. I don't want to constantly patronise them, nor have them take it for granted that I'll pay.

TomatoSandwiches · 15/04/2025 22:09

Your friend expects her own granddaughter to pay for her? How odd.

Epli · 15/04/2025 22:08

My mum usually pays but I do take her out as well. We earn similarly but she has much more disposable income.

lifemakeover · 15/04/2025 22:02

My parents always pay - I think they like to. As a PP said, it's quite nice to be looked after in that way (even as an almost 50 year old 😂). I hope to be able to do the same for my kids when they are adults.

DHs family don't do this - they split everything every time.