18 year old son asked for lunch by family member

RTFT

The OPs in laws have been very clear since she met them that although they are kind and polite to her son when in his company they have VERY strong feelings about blood relations. This has played out over the 20 years in weddings, invitations or lack therefore to their summer home and how funds from its sale will be divided out, a previous inheritance to the now 18 Yr old (is this the inheritance that even the blood nieces were ignored with only the males inheiriting?) and now this one. Its no surprise this is the messege being passed on in hindsight, the poor woman is probably afraid she ll be haunted if she doesn't pass the message on as instructed!

I’m glad that it wasn’t a scam or something awful as some of us feared.

But my goodness, what a controlling family they are. Your DS2 can give all his money to a cat’s home if he wishes, no one can control what he does with it.

EWAB, your partner's family sees you as a gold digger looking to enrich your oldest son on their money. And they've got the stones to tell your youngest that.

That's a high level of contempt.

If your younger son gave anything to your older son, it would strengthen their perception of you and they would likely make financial moves accordingly.

Well as far as I'm concerned once DS2 has the money in his pocket it's no one's damned business what he does with it, including the deceased's. Especially if they didn't want someone who I consider family to get it because they weren't 'blood relatives'.

Going under the assumption that the two brothers are close and have a good relationship, as my DB and I do (and being adopted we're not 'blood relations'), I can't see myself not sharing at least some of the money with him should I come into a generous inheritance. Not because I think he should have been in the will, but because I love him and would want him to share in my good fortune.

I think it's brass neck of that woman to make DS1 'promise' not to give his brother anything.

Oh god you’re back with another thread about your sons inheritance. Your ADULT son’s inheritance has nothing to do with you or your eldest son, get over it already.

No. She was arguably being worse. We don't know why the deceased was so determined to ensure that the eldest son did not benefit from any of the money but while his reasons may have been valid, they may well not have been.
I think MN would have had more sympathy for a woman appealing for help if, for example, she had been financially shafted by a partner who she had cared for for many years.

My post was a reply to another poster who was being very dismissive of and rude about the female relative, quite beyond what she deserved. She wasn't asking for money for herself, which was a main worry on this thread.

Even if that’s the case, once he’s got the money he can do what he likes with it. If he has a good relationship with his brother and wants to share money with him he’s entitled to do so.

Why would you not RTFT? Or atleast OP’s updates?

The agenda was far less than most people on this thread worried about. Leaving to blood-or-not distant relatives may well have been an ongoing conversation between this woman and her partner for some time. She perhaps just wanted to respect that wish.
Do you have elderly relatives? If not, you may not know that very often they become fixated. On and on, on the same topic. No amount of logic or reason moves them on, sadly. She may have suffered that conversation for a very long time.

If I was the younger son I'd now be determined to share it with the elder - but then I'm a contrary mare!

It all depends on how your Son feels about going on his own. Is he close to this family member? Would he feel comfortable going on his own? Why would you go if you're not invited unless your Son asked you to go with him.

Oh. I imagine the woman's partner wanted her to do this, or expressed how important it was to him. What a shame she agreed/decided to do something so unpleasant. Sorry this is on your shoulders, OP.

To be fair, it's not as if he's monumentally unlucky either. It's just that his brother has been very fortunate, and comparison is the thief of joy, as they say. It's the huge financial imbalance of the two brothers, neither of whom have done anything right or wrong to bring their situation on themselves. It's going to be very hard for the older one to not be painfully aware of this imbalance as the younger boy goes through adulthood and is able to afford things that he himself cannot have. But he never would have had that privilege anyway, whether his younger brother had it or not. It's not as if it's been snatched from him and given to someone else.

All the same, it must just be particularly hard to accept that someone so close to you has been handed an easy life on a plate while you have to do things the hard way like everyone else.

Okay. It must be very hard. I don't envy you having to deal with this. It sucks all the joy out of your younger son's very privileged situation for you.

I hope the eldest son wins the national lottery because he doesn't seem to have won the lottery in life.

Not necessarily. It might be one of those cultural situations where it's seen as imperative that money stays within the family and family means blood only. It may not be personal, even if it seems like it to us.

Not really surprised by this because she obviously had an agenda.

As PP said, she is a nasty piece of work. This was SO unnecessary.

I hope your younger son treats her with the contempt she deserves.

It's just unnecessary and cruel for her to say this because if it were a stipulation great uncle would have made it clear in his will.

What a nasty piece of work she is.

How weird. When he receives the inheritance whatever he does with it is none of her business and has zero effect on whatever she gets.

I wonder if there is some kind of backstory between the deceased and your elder son - or if she is just controlling?

Either way, I'd say best to quietly decline any further invites and absolutely not give any info on what he chooses to do!

I hope your ds shares his inheritance with his older brother, then tells the horrid woman all about it. It’s entirely up to your son what he does with his money. Clearly the aunt doesn’t like you or your older son. Stupid woman that she is.

How petty and pathetic.

I'm glad DS doesn't have these people in his life, they sound horrid.

Anyway, it's his money now. They have zero say in what he does with it.

Obviously he is under no obligation to share it with anyone, brother included. It is merely circumstance that means he has come into money and your older son has not.

You need to put your focus onto making sure this doesn't become a point of soreness between them, IMO.

Okay, well he's only a great-half-uncle to the boy he is blood related to, so he clearly doesn't have any closer relatives to leave the money to, or he's done that already and still wants to recognise your son because he can afford to. Given that the connections are distant and tenuous anyway even to the son he's left the money to, I don't think it's particularly unusual or unreasonable to not want to see the money go to another young man who really is nothing to him at all. I wonder why this woman even felt the need to remind your son of this? Have you broached this issue with them before, when they gave your son money previously? I understand why this is tricky to navigate, seeing one of your children being given a huge amount of money for no reason in particular by someone he barely knows, while your other son is given nothing, but that's just life I'm afraid.

I'm now wondering if you might have been putting pressure on your younger son to share his inheritance with his half brother the make it more 'fair' and the deceased and his partner had got wind of it?

If it's not written in the will as a condition then there is very little they can do about it anyway. How would they even know what your son might choose to do in future?

But to be clear, it would be just as wrong for you to put pressure on your son to share his inheritance or constantly expect him to 'help your brother out' with money, as much as the temptation and the motives would be understandable for any mother in this situation.