AIBU? Babysitters

I’m not sure I called you awful. I called you pompous and suggested that you are being rather harsh in your tone when talking about two people who are trying their best to help you and to have a relationship with their grandchild.

I suspect we all come across situations in which others do things differently or not as well as we would wish for our children. And certainly, it is a very sad thing when we start to realise that our parents- or in laws - are no longer as fit or able to do those things they used to. I’ve certainly had instances when my parents / inlaws have forgotten to do something or done it in a difficult way. Sometimes I bite my tongue, sometimes I have to show them how to do something/ where things are kept, etc. But I always try to do it with understanding and kindness. And I always have to weigh up the (brilliant) benefits of having them available on occasion to do these things/ build their relationship with my child against the less brilliant bits. And sometimes the potential benefits might be outweighed by the potential dangers and by realising that they can no longer do what they once could. And that’s a dreadfully hard thing to discover and a harder thing to then navigate without risking dreadful upset and hurt.

Certainly though, I’d never dream of speaking to them dismissively, being nasty, or going online and writing rather mean things about them. I treat my parents and family and friends, and indeed nursery staff and such with respect and self awareness, and don’t speak to or about them as if they were rather badly behaved irritants.

Looking at things you’ve said your child’s grandparents have done:

• Car seat in the wrong place/ facing wrong way: So easily done. Especially as car seats have changed quite a lot over the years. One car seat I owned I only managed to install after reading the instructions several times and then watching two videos. Did you show them how to do it? Or consider, as I usually do, fitting the car seat for them yourself? They made a very understandable and easy to make mistake.
• They couldn’t keep up with your child when he/she ran away: Ok. Lessons learned all round there. They are getting old and aren’t as capable as they once were. They will probably have been terrified by the event and also have been dreadfully upset by the fact that their age is limiting what they can do. And besides, children are sneaky and fast and I sometimes have to pelt after ours after she makes a dash. Definitely not something worthy of your anger or vitriol.
• The nappy meal: It’s a nerve wracking thing looking after someone else’s child. You sometimes make decisions that seem right at the time and perhaps weren’t, or at least weren’t what the parents might have done. Certainly my experience of being a parent is that it is a series of mistakes, unexpected triumphs, constant compromise and learning and general mild panic. Lower expectations and don’t expect or demand perfection. It’s a tough standard to hold on to.

My point, as before, is that it’s all about tone and how you come across and how you manage these situations. And I stand by my assertion that the tone you use to complain about your parents (in-law?) is pretty dreadful and I really hope that you don’t speak to them in the same way as you write about them. Though I suspect they know how you feel. If pointing out to you that the tone and the words you use when attacking your child’s grandparents abilities are rather uncalled for and nasty, means you label me cold, so be it.

I babysat for around 5 families as a teenager and my next door neighbours had a 3 month old and a 3 and 5 year olds as well.
we moved from London when my son was 2 we)ve had a succession of different babysitters one from an agency and then a variety of different teenagers ( as they tend to go off to university). No problem with any of them. I can’t afford to pay someone £15.00 an hour so teenagers are perfect. We pay them well

I never used a babysitter when mine were little but that is because I had my parents. If I hadn't I'm sure I would have. Many of my friends did. They always used someone local and recommended.

My babysitter i'd known for years before i had a baby and she started babysitting her at 11 months old.

It's that or never go out as a couple

I don’t believe my perspective is coloured by my losing my dad. I do believe, however, that having had 3 children and daily grandparent engagement in their lives makes me realise what is important and what is not. No one is perfect. That’s the point - no matter who is looking after your child, they’re not going to do things as perfectly as you are (or think you are). But it’s necessary. Or the child will grow up lacking independence, molly coddled and cocooned by an over bearing parent. That’s the reality. So we have to accept that the people in our lives are not perfect but they provide other things that you can’t provide. You’re going to have club helpers, teachers, nursery staff, other parents on school trips, other parents on play dates..all sorts of people in your child’s life. And they’re not going to do things the way you would do them. So either you battle it out with them all, like the grandparents, or you chill out a little and become more accommodating where possible and save the dramas for the important stuff.

The friend I mentioned nearly didn’t have children because she was so traumatised by growing up with her mum. She said she was worried about inflicting so much pain on her own child, in the way her mum did to her. Her mum’s critical tendencies towards everyone made her childhood very difficult, and continues into her adulthood. Cue eating disorders and anxiety. Her mum is the same as her. She never had therapy so the chain has never been broken. She’s now exactly like her mum, bringing up her own child. I’m fairly certain where it’s all heading for her child. He’s young but I can see it happening.

I appreciate the more balanced response than your first post.

Some of these issues aren't small though (I didn't want to be more war and peace than I already was...), and my son still is small enough that he's dependent on adults for his safety.

I think your perspective is coloured by losing your dad - it makes you dismissive of perfectly normal expectations like expecting your child to be basically looked after when in the care of loving adults.

You think not being happy with making a carseat less safe by turning it against the parents wishes and leaving a baby in a dirty nappy for so long that they were sore is being “extremely high maintenance”?
It sounds like you could really do with raising your standards.

Can't speak for everyone but the short version of why not for us is that we have more money than time.

Also we live in London which is quite transient so it would be difficult to make a stable group to do this. Of our NCT group, for example, only one still lives in the area, three have moved internationally and the others out of London

Who the hell do you think you are OP saying people 'Willy Nilly' hire babysitters for their children. Since you say you don't actually know anyone that does - how do you know what checks people make before hiring them ???

I've hired local babysitters in the past - these have mostly already babysat friends children, I'd know their parents, etc. They would have spent time with my children with me present before being left alone with them. I'd have built up to it with only being gone for an hour or two first few times, etc.

These babysitters could be as trustworthy and caring as any relative. I did my research and risk assessments and was also guided by instincts and intuition.

My children were always perfectly safe. Myself and DH had some great nights out. I was able to go to appointments when necessary without children and bring one child to appointments without the others. A

No - they actually told me when I came back half an hour later that "they though he might have done a poo, but he really wanted his dinner".

If I sound like a pompous nightmare, then perhaps that's because someone suggested that the constant lack of decent care means that I'm a joyless mum who doesn't let her son have loving relationships?

If you read my first post, I actually make sure my son has lots of nice times with his grandparents, but I make sure I mitigate the fact that they're clearly pretty rusty at childcare.

I'm responding in kind here by saying that YOU sound like a very cold person who likes to dish out insults - from the first part of your message you seemed to be willing to have a conversation, but clearly you prefer to call me awful based on a couple of posts.

My mother worked in a local teacher training college &, as such, had a ready supply of young people who needed extra money, but also familiar with the needs of young children. My parents had a very active social life & went out at least twice a month. Mum would ask one of her trust-worthy trainee teachers to baby sit for my DB & me. We loved it - they would play with us, tell us stories, let us try their make-up, have discos to the latest music, stay up later than usual etc. It was a bit like having a ready supply of older 'fun' aunts & uncles come to stay for the evening.

You seem to be implying that your child’s grandparents purposefully sat him in his highchair in a dirty nappy. Now of course that might be the case, but is it not more likely that they didn’t know? That they hadn’t smelt it? That they, like all of us (apart from perhaps you) are fallible.

I think that @springtimemagic ’s point is more to do with your way of putting your point across, the dismissive and haughty tone you use when talking of the grandparents, something that has only continued in your latest response. Personally, I’d have to agree with them, that you sound a pompous nightmare.

I feel the same as you! My little boy is 15 months - he does three days a week with nursery and my mum looks after him one day while I’m working. I wouldn’t have a stranger or friend babysit for me at this age, I think he’s too young! We’ve had two meals out where grandparents have come over and put him to bed, but we’ve been back by around 10pm. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with him staying overnight somewhere - his grandparents adore him but I think it’s A LOT to ask of someone to have him for that amount of time. When he’s older I’m hoping a sleepover at nanny’s will be a fun thing and he will enjoy it 😊

I’m not meaning to be rude or unpleasant. I get that you want your child’s nappy changed. And I understand what happens when it’s not changed. I have 3 children. I just think it’s a tiny thing in the grand scheme of things. When they die, which could feasibly be very soon (my dad died when my daughter was 3), I don’t imagine you’ll be looking back thinking they were so rubbish because they didn’t change their nappy often enough. You’ll miss them and feel sad that your child is growing up without them. I feel like you’re blowing it well out of proportion because you’re an anxious person with controlling tendencies. That’s fine. We all have our issues. Just don’t sweat the small stuff so much. There are going to be really huge issues you have to contend with with your child and nappy changes are minuscule in the scheme of things. Hold onto your children’s grandparents as much as you can because they’ll be gone at some point. And let them spend all the time with your child. And relax a little. If you’re like this about small details now, it’s going to have an impact on your child as they grow up.

My DH and I live in a different country to our families. Of course when they visit they always offer a night of babysitting but day to day we need other options. When the older ones were small we hired the daughter of DH’s work colleague who was a medical student. She babysat for us for years and my kids adored her. More recently we’ve hired a uni student we know from our synagogue although given my eldest is nearly an adult and likes to make a bit of extra cash we very rarely need outside help now.

For a few years the only babysitter we had was a mutual friend of me and DH. A single bloke in his 50s which I’m sure many would have been up in arms about (FWIW he was fab, has been a constant presence in our kids lives and I trust him like I would any of my own family members)

So did we. You collected points when you sat. I don’t understand why people don’t do this these days. As for children being school age before they stay over with GP or other family - mine started at a few months old and always loved it. They grew up to be independent.

Yeh, I keep needing to be reminded of this. The stats are frightening.

Yeh the OP does refer to strangers. And has had it pointed out over and over again that a babysitter does not necessarily mean a stranger... try reading the thread (or re-reading it if you already have). 🙈

If by, "I sound like her", you mean, "I don't like my son to be left sitting in his own poo until his bum is sore and he won't eat" then I'm very glad that the woman you know has basic hygiene and comfort standards for her child.

My son has a lovely relationship with his grandparents because he's too little to know that Nana and Grandad should have had the common sense to change his nappy when they smelled poo rather than expecting him to sit in it.

But I suppose since you don't like the sound ofy standards then one day you can go into a nursing home where they leave you in a nappy for a while, right?

(I'm also interested to know how you think it would hurt their relationship for them to change his nappy? What are the BAD outcomes of performing a basic bit of childcare if they want to see him?)

I used a stranger to babysit from a website- she provided a CV with references, her DBS check and I interviewed her in advance. My DD met her at the end of the interview. We then used her as a regular babysitter. She was lovely and it was a very professional arrangement. All seemed very normal to me. I wonder if this is more common in cities which have transient populations, as opposed to in regional areas where parents may have wider family support?

I wouldn't have used a babysitting service for mine either tbh. We were lucky that one of the senior staff members at the nursery we used would do babysitting. It was expensive though, so think we only did it once! A neighbour watched them too once or twice and luckily for us my mil is great with kids (primary teacher) so when she was able to she would watch them, but only special occasions.

All that said though, I don't think it's completely bonkers or unusual to use a service. We just didn't choose to ourselves. We got through it, but I would say it definitely put strain on our relationship as we never had date nights, or very, very rarely did. Not sure I'd do anything differently though

Again, your children are much more at risk from men they know than women they don't know.

Are you deliberately being pedantic?

Okay- 100% agree. Its not worth the risk, if the babysitters are strangers.

The op literally says strangers.

But... who said the babysitter has to be a stranger?? We use babysitters. They're not strangers though! 😂 My children are probably at far more risk going to school or Beavers than in our house being looked after by our friends babysitting 😀

I don't find a stranger on the internet I couldn't manage that. But we have used the girls from nursery before and they have babysat and we pay cash in hand £11 an hour which is more than they are paid at nursery and I provide tea.

It's perfect for us. We don't do it often but we know the kids are in safe hands they know my kids my kids know them and I am confident in their abilities. Win win win.

We probably do it every 4 months/special birthdays or so as we have no other childcare.