AIBU? Babysitters

I don’t really care what opinion you have of me. However, you seem unable to cope with someone criticising you.

As I’ve said before, what I find difficult in your posts is the rather horrible way you write about your (am assuming) in laws. The latest highlight in your last being, ‘his grandparents get plenty of opportunities to benignly neglect him’.

I mean, just wow.

It seems, as is so often the case, that you are quite happy to dish it out but far less able to take it.

I'm afraid I don't really believe that you're as nice and kind and beatific as you claim to be, since you were quite happy to describe me as pompous, and to subsequently double down on that in your follow up post by saying that my language is pretty dreadful etc.

I started this thread of conversation to defend someone who was being criticised - you joined in to criticise me. So I'm not sure your lectures on kindness and understanding are very sincere.

Since I gave my examples, I've been told I'm anxious and controlling - which is far from the case. That poster is massively projecting.

In no way do I talk down to or patronise my ILs or parents. Depending on what the issue is, I either address it politely but firmly, or I let it go, or I make a casual nudge.

I'm not going to detail each and every instance to you, but one last example - he has a dairy intolerance, and I told them about how he wakes screaming in pain. MIL still tried to feed him some insisting that "a little bit won't hurt".

You are in danger of sounding pompous yourself lecturing me on your guesses about a situation I was directly involved in myself. I know perfectly well the ins and outs of these relationships, and rest assured, his grandparents get plenty of opportunities to benignly neglect him.

You are being really nasty now. Reported.

I’m not sure I called you awful. I called you pompous and suggested that you are being rather harsh in your tone when talking about two people who are trying their best to help you and to have a relationship with their grandchild.

I suspect we all come across situations in which others do things differently or not as well as we would wish for our children. And certainly, it is a very sad thing when we start to realise that our parents- or in laws - are no longer as fit or able to do those things they used to. I’ve certainly had instances when my parents / inlaws have forgotten to do something or done it in a difficult way. Sometimes I bite my tongue, sometimes I have to show them how to do something/ where things are kept, etc. But I always try to do it with understanding and kindness. And I always have to weigh up the (brilliant) benefits of having them available on occasion to do these things/ build their relationship with my child against the less brilliant bits. And sometimes the potential benefits might be outweighed by the potential dangers and by realising that they can no longer do what they once could. And that’s a dreadfully hard thing to discover and a harder thing to then navigate without risking dreadful upset and hurt.

Certainly though, I’d never dream of speaking to them dismissively, being nasty, or going online and writing rather mean things about them. I treat my parents and family and friends, and indeed nursery staff and such with respect and self awareness, and don’t speak to or about them as if they were rather badly behaved irritants.

Looking at things you’ve said your child’s grandparents have done:

• Car seat in the wrong place/ facing wrong way: So easily done. Especially as car seats have changed quite a lot over the years. One car seat I owned I only managed to install after reading the instructions several times and then watching two videos. Did you show them how to do it? Or consider, as I usually do, fitting the car seat for them yourself? They made a very understandable and easy to make mistake.
• They couldn’t keep up with your child when he/she ran away: Ok. Lessons learned all round there. They are getting old and aren’t as capable as they once were. They will probably have been terrified by the event and also have been dreadfully upset by the fact that their age is limiting what they can do. And besides, children are sneaky and fast and I sometimes have to pelt after ours after she makes a dash. Definitely not something worthy of your anger or vitriol.
• The nappy meal: It’s a nerve wracking thing looking after someone else’s child. You sometimes make decisions that seem right at the time and perhaps weren’t, or at least weren’t what the parents might have done. Certainly my experience of being a parent is that it is a series of mistakes, unexpected triumphs, constant compromise and learning and general mild panic. Lower expectations and don’t expect or demand perfection. It’s a tough standard to hold on to.

My point, as before, is that it’s all about tone and how you come across and how you manage these situations. And I stand by my assertion that the tone you use to complain about your parents (in-law?) is pretty dreadful and I really hope that you don’t speak to them in the same way as you write about them. Though I suspect they know how you feel. If pointing out to you that the tone and the words you use when attacking your child’s grandparents abilities are rather uncalled for and nasty, means you label me cold, so be it.

I would have no issue leaving them with a trusted female - we just don't have anyone! We have one set of grandparents who can offer an afternoon once every six months at the moment.

My kid is tiny at the moment, so I think when she's older other family would be happy to have her. Friends all have their own kids and inasmuch as I don't want to look after theirs, they don't want to look after mine! The single friends are all very busy enjoying their childfree lives and have no interest in looking after kids (which i completely support!)

My SIL has said she's excited for when my little one is older and can come for sleepovers and she can mind them - she's vaguely terrified by looking after a toddler on her own.

Either way, this thread isn't about the merits of child free time. As someone who gets basically 0, I can completely understand that it's important.

My AIBU was about the idea that people can just willy nilly hire babysitters who aren't known to them - i just can't get my head around it tbh.

I'll preface this by saying I don't think IABU.

Why do so many people trot out the 'hire a babysitter' line whenever people complain about parental burnout? Are people really doing this?

My child attends nursery and that feels difficult enough in terms of trusting strangers with my children - and that is with multiple trained professionals and widespread CCTV. Are people really finding strangers on the Internet and letting them into their homes to mind their children?!

I feel like our kids are young for such a short period of time and we can survive without an evening out together for a few years.

We have 0 childcare options outside of nursery, and until my kid is old enough to stay over with family (school aged/when they can consent and ask for sleepovers) my thinking is that we just don't get to go out and socialise together at night. That's the compromise I feel like we have to make. I just can't imagine farming my kid out to someone from a bloody website and given the judgemental takes on this site from people about daycare, I can't believe others are too. The only exception I couldnimagine is if your childminder offered babysitting services - outside of that rare option, are people really doing this?

I would never, ever ask someone I didn't know extremely well to babysit, DBS or not.
Nursery is very different, it's not so you can have a night out. There's cameras and other adults present. Even then mine didn't start until they could speak well enough to tell me things and were potty trained.

You can do that with a babysitter too, though!

Who the hell do you think you are OP saying people 'Willy Nilly' hire babysitters for their children. Since you say you don't actually know anyone that does - how do you know what checks people make before hiring them ???

I've hired local babysitters in the past - these have mostly already babysat friends children, I'd know their parents, etc. They would have spent time with my children with me present before being left alone with them. I'd have built up to it with only being gone for an hour or two first few times, etc.

These babysitters could be as trustworthy and caring as any relative. I did my research and risk assessments and was also guided by instincts and intuition.

My children were always perfectly safe. Myself and DH had some great nights out. I was able to go to appointments when necessary without children and bring one child to appointments without the others. A

You can do that with a babysitter too, though!

Presumably if you employed a nanny you would have some trial runs with them and see how they interact with your child before you employed them. You wouldn't just let them look after your child without getting to know them and spending time with them .. I wouldn't anyway

So nannies are bad, I guess?

That is so beautifully written and just spot on. Made me quite sad just reading it.

If only everyone was so nice about grandparents. I read some truly stuff on here about grandparents. It makes me so sad and angry on so many levels.

People are so odd. It’s your family for goodness sake. No wonder the world is struggling with mental health. There is a complete breakdown of family ties and relationships. How sad for these children 😔

I would never, ever ask someone I didn't know extremely well to babysit, DBS or not.
Nursery is very different, it's not so you can have a night out. There's cameras and other adults present. Even then mine didn't start until they could speak well enough to tell me things and were potty trained.

I’m not sure I called you awful. I called you pompous and suggested that you are being rather harsh in your tone when talking about two people who are trying their best to help you and to have a relationship with their grandchild.

I suspect we all come across situations in which others do things differently or not as well as we would wish for our children. And certainly, it is a very sad thing when we start to realise that our parents- or in laws - are no longer as fit or able to do those things they used to. I’ve certainly had instances when my parents / inlaws have forgotten to do something or done it in a difficult way. Sometimes I bite my tongue, sometimes I have to show them how to do something/ where things are kept, etc. But I always try to do it with understanding and kindness. And I always have to weigh up the (brilliant) benefits of having them available on occasion to do these things/ build their relationship with my child against the less brilliant bits. And sometimes the potential benefits might be outweighed by the potential dangers and by realising that they can no longer do what they once could. And that’s a dreadfully hard thing to discover and a harder thing to then navigate without risking dreadful upset and hurt.

Certainly though, I’d never dream of speaking to them dismissively, being nasty, or going online and writing rather mean things about them. I treat my parents and family and friends, and indeed nursery staff and such with respect and self awareness, and don’t speak to or about them as if they were rather badly behaved irritants.

Looking at things you’ve said your child’s grandparents have done:

• Car seat in the wrong place/ facing wrong way: So easily done. Especially as car seats have changed quite a lot over the years. One car seat I owned I only managed to install after reading the instructions several times and then watching two videos. Did you show them how to do it? Or consider, as I usually do, fitting the car seat for them yourself? They made a very understandable and easy to make mistake.
• They couldn’t keep up with your child when he/she ran away: Ok. Lessons learned all round there. They are getting old and aren’t as capable as they once were. They will probably have been terrified by the event and also have been dreadfully upset by the fact that their age is limiting what they can do. And besides, children are sneaky and fast and I sometimes have to pelt after ours after she makes a dash. Definitely not something worthy of your anger or vitriol.
• The nappy meal: It’s a nerve wracking thing looking after someone else’s child. You sometimes make decisions that seem right at the time and perhaps weren’t, or at least weren’t what the parents might have done. Certainly my experience of being a parent is that it is a series of mistakes, unexpected triumphs, constant compromise and learning and general mild panic. Lower expectations and don’t expect or demand perfection. It’s a tough standard to hold on to.

My point, as before, is that it’s all about tone and how you come across and how you manage these situations. And I stand by my assertion that the tone you use to complain about your parents (in-law?) is pretty dreadful and I really hope that you don’t speak to them in the same way as you write about them. Though I suspect they know how you feel. If pointing out to you that the tone and the words you use when attacking your child’s grandparents abilities are rather uncalled for and nasty, means you label me cold, so be it.