Page 3 | AIBU? Babysitters

Original poster

YourPinkBeaker · 16/04/2025 13:30

DaisyChain505 · 16/04/2025 13:28

The only way to have a trusted individual who isn’t family in your life to look after the kids is to let a stranger look after them so both you and the kids can build a relationship with them.

its invaluable having someone who isn’t family to be able to be able to rely on for emergency cover and just day to day child free time.

Oh!!! It must be so tough having no friends 😕

OP posts:

DaisyChain505 · 16/04/2025 13:28

The only way to have a trusted individual who isn’t family in your life to look after the kids is to let a stranger look after them so both you and the kids can build a relationship with them.

its invaluable having someone who isn’t family to be able to be able to rely on for emergency cover and just day to day child free time.

Original poster

YourPinkBeaker · 16/04/2025 13:21

Loooool this exploded!

I specifically was referring to people who blithely say 'hire a sitter' whenever parents on here mention parental burnout/being time poor.

People who have cultivated relationships with trusted individuals - that makes sense to me, as does care from trusted family and friends.

I understand that the process of procuring a babysitter is perhaps more nuanced than I thought it was and that people aren't just getting randoms into their homes and letting them look after their children (though not always, according to some of you!)

I have a toddler and the idea of a teenager caring for them is just wild to me. Different if my kid was school aged maybe.

The consent thing has really annoyed some of you, hasn't it! Oh goodness. I maybe didn't phrase that correctly. I was more saying that for us, logistics mean we don't have in laws who could easily do evening care to allow us to nip out for dinner and it'd more likely be overnights if we wanted to go out for the evening. My kid is a bad sleeper and needs me a lot through the night and I firstly wouldn't inflict that on my in laws, and secondly I'd want to wait until my child understood the concept of sleepovers in case they were distressed through the night(they often are).

Hope that clears things up guys n gals, have a cracking Wednesday

OP posts:

SparklesGlitter · 16/04/2025 12:51

Dumbo18 · 16/04/2025 11:59

I think some people are missing the point. Asking people you know/your child knows very well to babysit is absolutely the norm and most people who have the opportunity will use it. Going online finding a stranger (dbs checked or not) and asking them to come to your home and be alone with your child who they have never met before and possibly comfort them when they wake is in my experience not what people do, i can go as far as saying i don't know anyone who has ever used this service and i know a few people who have no help at all. You've gotta laugh because most people on here telling you its fine and don't be so anxious are probably the same people who don't open the door when someone knocks. What people choose to do is no business of mine but its absolutely not something i would do just to go and have a meal and watch and film with my partner.

I see what you’re saying, I understand it, and if she’d gone with just the finding people online then fine, I’m not going to judge. My kids went to nursery and childminders. No cctv installed which personally I prefer but I’ve worked in the sector. But there’s been a couple of people make the same point as yourself. OP says so much more than that in her original post though, about family sitting, about consent, about waiting and being ok because they are small for a short amount of time, it’s understandably triggered a debate. I personally found the tone very off, whether meant that way or not.

Flutterbyby · 16/04/2025 12:18

Dumbo18 · 16/04/2025 11:59

I think some people are missing the point. Asking people you know/your child knows very well to babysit is absolutely the norm and most people who have the opportunity will use it. Going online finding a stranger (dbs checked or not) and asking them to come to your home and be alone with your child who they have never met before and possibly comfort them when they wake is in my experience not what people do, i can go as far as saying i don't know anyone who has ever used this service and i know a few people who have no help at all. You've gotta laugh because most people on here telling you its fine and don't be so anxious are probably the same people who don't open the door when someone knocks. What people choose to do is no business of mine but its absolutely not something i would do just to go and have a meal and watch and film with my partner.

You know what nannies are, right? Total strangers you hire for money to.look after your children.

You ok with nannies, as a concept?

exprecis · 16/04/2025 12:08

@Dumbo18

I think what you're missing is the middle ground.

The first babysitter we had, we advertised online (The Internet - The Horror!), met the person who answered, checked her DBS, checked her references (she worked in a nursery), had her round to meet our baby, spend a bit of time with him. Then tried started using her regularly.

She was initially a stranger from the internet but she wasn't a stranger when we started to leave our child with her.

Dumbo18 · 16/04/2025 11:59

I think some people are missing the point. Asking people you know/your child knows very well to babysit is absolutely the norm and most people who have the opportunity will use it. Going online finding a stranger (dbs checked or not) and asking them to come to your home and be alone with your child who they have never met before and possibly comfort them when they wake is in my experience not what people do, i can go as far as saying i don't know anyone who has ever used this service and i know a few people who have no help at all. You've gotta laugh because most people on here telling you its fine and don't be so anxious are probably the same people who don't open the door when someone knocks. What people choose to do is no business of mine but its absolutely not something i would do just to go and have a meal and watch and film with my partner.

Yaaaassssssqueeeeeennnnnslay · 16/04/2025 11:40

Flutterbyby · 16/04/2025 11:31

Women who handed kids to strangers in a nursery judges people harshly who hand kids to strangers at home.

Weird.

Super weird.

Flutterbyby · 16/04/2025 11:31

Women who handed kids to strangers in a nursery judges people harshly who hand kids to strangers at home.

Weird.

Youwantlove40 · 16/04/2025 11:29

Sorry but expecting a couple to never go out together alone for a few years is completely ridiculous and unrealistic.

AleaEim · 16/04/2025 11:25

LittleGwyneth · 16/04/2025 09:13

This thread is so long that I know replying is pointless, but what an insane post. I use babysitters, who are qualified DBS checked childcare workers, the exact same people who look after your children at nursery. We use the same people on a regular basis and they don't do any personal care. I do that because I deserve to go out and be a person, not just a parent, and because I value my marriage and I feel that my partner deserves to have my undivided attention sometimes.

This

SparklesGlitter · 16/04/2025 10:37

Indyschoolq · 16/04/2025 10:34

Of course! Fair question, though.

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😊

Indyschoolq · 16/04/2025 10:34

SparklesGlitter · 15/04/2025 14:01

Did they know they were being watched?

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Of course! Fair question, though.

LittleGwyneth · 16/04/2025 09:13

This thread is so long that I know replying is pointless, but what an insane post. I use babysitters, who are qualified DBS checked childcare workers, the exact same people who look after your children at nursery. We use the same people on a regular basis and they don't do any personal care. I do that because I deserve to go out and be a person, not just a parent, and because I value my marriage and I feel that my partner deserves to have my undivided attention sometimes.

Yaaaassssssqueeeeeennnnnslay · 16/04/2025 08:58

YourPinkBeaker · 14/04/2025 22:02

I'll preface this by saying I don't think IABU.

Why do so many people trot out the 'hire a babysitter' line whenever people complain about parental burnout? Are people really doing this?

My child attends nursery and that feels difficult enough in terms of trusting strangers with my children - and that is with multiple trained professionals and widespread CCTV. Are people really finding strangers on the Internet and letting them into their homes to mind their children?!

I feel like our kids are young for such a short period of time and we can survive without an evening out together for a few years.

We have 0 childcare options outside of nursery, and until my kid is old enough to stay over with family (school aged/when they can consent and ask for sleepovers) my thinking is that we just don't get to go out and socialise together at night. That's the compromise I feel like we have to make. I just can't imagine farming my kid out to someone from a bloody website and given the judgemental takes on this site from people about daycare, I can't believe others are too. The only exception I couldnimagine is if your childminder offered babysitting services - outside of that rare option, are people really doing this?

We do, but our local prison has a getting offenders back into society programme called ‘Second Chances’ so we use that - it’s free!
child care is so expensive these days.

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 16/04/2025 08:22

MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 15/04/2025 22:41

You shared a certain amount of information about how your in laws and parents care for your child and your thoughts on how they often mess up in doing so, and I commented on that. On what you shared. I mostly commented on your tone and how you came across in your posts. And you threw personal comments back at me so it was hardly one sided.

I apologise if my comments hurt you, but that they didn’t take into account your history with your family is not my fault I’m afraid. You chose to share such comments in a public space that invites responses and I responded to those. If you don’t want responses then don’t put yourself in a situation that might set yourself up for such.

I’m very sorry about what has happened to you with your in laws, that you have experienced that is dreadful and that even after such a horrible experience you have decided to put your child’s relationship with his grandparents above their relationship with you and what they did to you is very brave and commendable. It cannot be easy.

Shall we leave things there now?

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I am happy to leave it here.

I understand that posters can only post on what they see in a message, but I also bear in mind that there's naturally and perpetually a whole world of information behind other people's relationships with others that they couldn't post even if they wanted to.

I hope in future you consider that before coming in with a harsh judgement based on a single post.

J3nnyFromTheBlock · 16/04/2025 07:44

YourPinkBeaker · 14/04/2025 22:02

I'll preface this by saying I don't think IABU.

Why do so many people trot out the 'hire a babysitter' line whenever people complain about parental burnout? Are people really doing this?

My child attends nursery and that feels difficult enough in terms of trusting strangers with my children - and that is with multiple trained professionals and widespread CCTV. Are people really finding strangers on the Internet and letting them into their homes to mind their children?!

I feel like our kids are young for such a short period of time and we can survive without an evening out together for a few years.

We have 0 childcare options outside of nursery, and until my kid is old enough to stay over with family (school aged/when they can consent and ask for sleepovers) my thinking is that we just don't get to go out and socialise together at night. That's the compromise I feel like we have to make. I just can't imagine farming my kid out to someone from a bloody website and given the judgemental takes on this site from people about daycare, I can't believe others are too. The only exception I couldnimagine is if your childminder offered babysitting services - outside of that rare option, are people really doing this?

No. Of course people are not finding strangers on the Internet and letting them into their homes to mind their children.

UncertainDIL · 16/04/2025 05:30

I think you are being very judgemental OP. Ironically you have “farmed” your children out to nursery. As you said they are only small for such a short time - a babysitter might be for one evening. Nursery is generally every week day, all day. Let other parents parent and do what’s right for them. Personally I don’t see why you would be on your high horse. Maybe look in before you look out.

YippyKiYay · 16/04/2025 01:09

Wow, so much to unpack here.... We also have limited options for help with our DC, but visiting GP (2hr flight away) would always mind then for a few hours each visit so we could have dinner out once or twice a year. What's the issue?? Why wait until they are teens to do that??

And then...
There is literally an entire genre of books about babysitters (aka Babysitter's Club and the like). How have you missed that? Where is your 'normal' emanating from? Is there a cultural difference here?

MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 15/04/2025 22:41

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 15/04/2025 22:25

I'm.not sure how you survive on AIBU of you think my observations about my ILs care for my son were pompous and now vile.

I find it hugely interesting that you make such a strong plea for kindness whilst being happy to dish out personal attacks against me. You say you'd never make such comments about your family online? Well, I think I'd rather be someone who vented in private and was measured in direct contact, in person or online.

For what it's worth, my FIL made actually vile comments to me during pregnancy and after I'd given birth. His comments were so horrible MIL immediately shut him down and apologised, but that didn't stop me wanting to throw myself in front of a bus at the time.

But PLEASE keep telling me that the way I choose to privately vent about his care for my son. It's so enlightening to be told how I should react to the nuances of family relationship you know a few brief paragraphs about.

(You think I can't admit I was wrong - do you think you can confidently say you know enough about the situation to tell me I'm vile now for complaining in private about a sore bum vs comments that made me suicidal?)

Show quote history

You shared a certain amount of information about how your in laws and parents care for your child and your thoughts on how they often mess up in doing so, and I commented on that. On what you shared. I mostly commented on your tone and how you came across in your posts. And you threw personal comments back at me so it was hardly one sided.

I apologise if my comments hurt you, but that they didn’t take into account your history with your family is not my fault I’m afraid. You chose to share such comments in a public space that invites responses and I responded to those. If you don’t want responses then don’t put yourself in a situation that might set yourself up for such.

I’m very sorry about what has happened to you with your in laws, that you have experienced that is dreadful and that even after such a horrible experience you have decided to put your child’s relationship with his grandparents above their relationship with you and what they did to you is very brave and commendable. It cannot be easy.

Shall we leave things there now?

surreygirl1987 · 15/04/2025 22:29

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 15/04/2025 22:25

I'm.not sure how you survive on AIBU of you think my observations about my ILs care for my son were pompous and now vile.

I find it hugely interesting that you make such a strong plea for kindness whilst being happy to dish out personal attacks against me. You say you'd never make such comments about your family online? Well, I think I'd rather be someone who vented in private and was measured in direct contact, in person or online.

For what it's worth, my FIL made actually vile comments to me during pregnancy and after I'd given birth. His comments were so horrible MIL immediately shut him down and apologised, but that didn't stop me wanting to throw myself in front of a bus at the time.

But PLEASE keep telling me that the way I choose to privately vent about his care for my son. It's so enlightening to be told how I should react to the nuances of family relationship you know a few brief paragraphs about.

(You think I can't admit I was wrong - do you think you can confidently say you know enough about the situation to tell me I'm vile now for complaining in private about a sore bum vs comments that made me suicidal?)

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Oh for goodness sake - can the both of you just knock this off now? This is really unpleasant - from both sides.

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 15/04/2025 22:25

MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 15/04/2025 21:11

I’ve no idea who said what and to whom during a completely different conversation on here, and I can’t possibly comment on it - especially as it’s no longer available.

It is, however, completely possible to agree with something someone says and then not agree with something else that person says. Though, as I say, I’m not sure what they said and so I cannot comment on that.

My interaction with you has been based upon not agreeing with your point of view and, in particular not agreeing with the way you speak of your child’s grandparents. Not agreeing with you is fine and indeed surely the whole point of an AIBU thread is that it gathers up a plethora of different opinions?

Now it is absolutely ok for you to disagree with me and to defend yourself. I might though suggest that if you are so sure that the comments and tone of those comments are not as vile as I find them, are in fact absolutely fine, that you have a conversation with you parents and in laws and let them know what you think. Or indeed share this thread with them. Of course you may look at what you’ve written about them and find that, actually, it’s not something particularly palatable and you’d rather not.

Show quote history

I'm.not sure how you survive on AIBU of you think my observations about my ILs care for my son were pompous and now vile.

I find it hugely interesting that you make such a strong plea for kindness whilst being happy to dish out personal attacks against me. You say you'd never make such comments about your family online? Well, I think I'd rather be someone who vented in private and was measured in direct contact, in person or online.

For what it's worth, my FIL made actually vile comments to me during pregnancy and after I'd given birth. His comments were so horrible MIL immediately shut him down and apologised, but that didn't stop me wanting to throw myself in front of a bus at the time.

But PLEASE keep telling me that the way I choose to privately vent about his care for my son. It's so enlightening to be told how I should react to the nuances of family relationship you know a few brief paragraphs about.

(You think I can't admit I was wrong - do you think you can confidently say you know enough about the situation to tell me I'm vile now for complaining in private about a sore bum vs comments that made me suicidal?)

Mikart · 15/04/2025 21:36

We always paid babysitters 25 years ago...usually the teenager down the street .

Harry12345 · 15/04/2025 21:29

I was with you until you said they can’t stay with family until they are old enough to consent, how ridiculous, do they consent to nursery?

MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 15/04/2025 21:11

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 15/04/2025 19:12

Since you missed it, that was sarcasm based on your perception of my relationship with them.

But if you're worried about tone and bad language, I would kindly suggest that you turn your attention to the poster you're defending, who has made the most horrible attack at @ttcat37

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I’ve no idea who said what and to whom during a completely different conversation on here, and I can’t possibly comment on it - especially as it’s no longer available.

It is, however, completely possible to agree with something someone says and then not agree with something else that person says. Though, as I say, I’m not sure what they said and so I cannot comment on that.

My interaction with you has been based upon not agreeing with your point of view and, in particular not agreeing with the way you speak of your child’s grandparents. Not agreeing with you is fine and indeed surely the whole point of an AIBU thread is that it gathers up a plethora of different opinions?

Now it is absolutely ok for you to disagree with me and to defend yourself. I might though suggest that if you are so sure that the comments and tone of those comments are not as vile as I find them, are in fact absolutely fine, that you have a conversation with you parents and in laws and let them know what you think. Or indeed share this thread with them. Of course you may look at what you’ve written about them and find that, actually, it’s not something particularly palatable and you’d rather not.