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Original poster

Should I be a bridesmaid or end the friendship?

37 replies

Bridesmaidorexfriend · 14/04/2025 21:17

I have a friendship group of 4 people, I’m really close with two of them (let’s call them
Rachel and Phoebe) and the other (Monica) I’ve just never clicked with. I don’t dislike her but I get the impression she resents my part in the group.

Over the years there have been times where the three of them meet up and don’t include me, and it’s always when Monica has arranged the meet up, I try not to get upset because people are allowed different friendship dynamics etc but it always made me feel like a bit of a loser.

Well last year Phoebe and Rachel both got engaged (not to each other) and were all bridesmaids. We went on the hen dos and Monica drove and she made a point of telling me I needed to give her petrol money. Which I had always planned to do, didn’t think anything of it, but later she made another comment about me, and I can’t remember what it was now, but I got the distinct feeling that they had been talking about me behind my back. There were a number of sly digs that weekend and i remember feeling really on edge and tried to tell myself I was imagining things.

When we planned the other persons hen we spoke about doing a joint personal present for the bride and I said that’s a great idea, it wasn’t mentioned again, and closer to the time I realised that they had done that without me.

I was a student at the time and really had no money, but I paid for my place on both hens and paid for my shoes and accessories that they’d picked. Money was tight but I don’t feel like I wasn’t paying my way. As a student I didnt have a car and so before the first wedding I spoke about how everyone was getting there and realised that embarrassingly I’d assumed we would go together but no one was able to offer me a lift. It was out of area but I managed to arrange something anyway. I then got quite a nasty message of Monica about it.

I didn’t want to go to the wedding this point, the way I viewed it was that Monica had never been rude to me before, I had vibes, but for her to be this rude to me recently I believe that’s because she feels she has permission because they are talking about me behind my back.

I went, it was awkward but then it was fine, I having a good time when Monica kept coming to get me for bridesmaid duty’s. (Things that she had taken it on herself to organise when there were staff there, but was happy to help) So I’d go and do what I was asked and she would go off, the other bridesmaid joined me and we were laughing and joking around and she came back and went mental at us both saying we were terrible bridesmaid because we were enjoying ourselves and not taking it seriously. But the bride had been with us and she was having a great time. I think she was annoyed that the other bridesmaid wasn’t ostracising me. I burst in to tears and being tipsy admitted to Phoebe that I wished I hadn’t come due to the vibes I’d been getting, she didn’t say anything to that, didn’t ask what I meant or anything.

Not spoken to either bridesmaid since, the bride apologised about it and said that Monica should never have had a go at us and that she had felt we had all been fantastic bridesmaids and she’d had an amazing day.

I don’t want to go to the next wedding, which is a while away. I don’t even think I want to be friends with them anymore. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong and if I’m honest I don’t want to know. There will be something, I don’t think they’ve turned on me for nothing, but at this point I think I’d rather never know because I will just beat myself up about it and I feel like I can’t move past how I’ve been treated anyway. I feel like I’m back at school with the mean girls. Should I just cut my losses?

OP posts:
Sassybooklover · 14/04/2025 22:03

You can bet your bottom dollar Monica was the bitchy school bully, and hasn't grown out of it as an adult. I know it's easy to say but think upon it, that Monica must be a deeply unhappy woman, to go out of her way to be bitchy and nasty to another person. Feel sorry for her, that in order to feel better about herself, she feels the need to make someone else feel bad. Rachel and Phoebe aren't true friends either, because they shouldn't be going along with her behaviour. When a friendship is making you feel sad, anxious and bad about yourself, it's time to shut that friendship down. Friendships should enhance your life, not drag it down. Draw a line under the friendship. If you have been or are asked to be a bridesmaid at the next wedding, decline. If a wedding invitation arrives, then you reply with a 'Regret' card, it's all pre-printed - just add bride/groom name's and yours at the end. You aren't obliged to give a reason. Distance yourself from the friend group, and no longer be available to attend any day/nights out. Eventually, they will stop asking. Find yourself new friends, who are worthy of you.

BlondiePortz · 14/04/2025 21:56

Like I say in many of these threads it all sounds very immature so I would leave them to it and be the grown up i am, who has time for all this childishness? Don't people work these days or have housework to do?

Original poster
Bridesmaidorexfriend · 14/04/2025 21:55

nomas · 14/04/2025 21:34

Yes I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of being their scapegoat anymore.

When is the wedding, whose wedding is it and what have you been invited to?

Have you seen any of them since the last wedding and how long ago was that?

It was Rachel’s wedding. I’m also supposed to be bridesmaid at Phoebe’s which is later in the year. But it’s been a few weeks since the wedding but not heard from Phoebe or Monica. No apology from Monica. Rachel has sent a message just to say she’s had a nice honeymoon etc.

Its reassuring that everyone is saying my instincts are right. I will wait and see what happens over the next few weeks but my guess is Pheobe feels uncomfortable speaking to me because I made it clear that I knew something was going on at the wedding and if I was wrong I think she’d have asked me what I meant and reassured me that there were no ‘vibes’.

OP posts:
SheridansPortSalut · 14/04/2025 21:47

Cut your loses.

Namechangean · 14/04/2025 21:46

I agree with PP, even if you have done something that’s annoyed them - expecting lifts or not buying a round or something, it’s not an excuse to bully you. Which it sounds like they were. I think it’s good you can see that it’s not just Monica who is wrong here, but everyone. If I could see that someone in my friendship group was bulling one of my other friends I wouldn’t stay friends with the bully.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 14/04/2025 21:43

I wouldn't waste anymore time or money on these people. They sound horrible and they certainly aren't your friends.

Ahsheeit · 14/04/2025 21:35

Fuck'em. Why put yourself through shit like this for people who treat you so badly? Walk away and let them stew in their own school playground. These aren't friends. Good friends don't do this. Monica may be the worst, but the others aren't innocent either.

Make the decision to only have people in your life who bring positive things. Leave all the others behind.

Trashpalace · 14/04/2025 21:35

First posts nail it.

Sounds like very immature behaviour, but a lot of people don't grow up.

Life is too short for these childish games so it seems a healthy instinct to move away from this situation. It will create space to make friends with people who are mature and respectful. Also if you step away it gives these women a chance to reflect and there's nothing to stop them from approaching you to talk or acknowlege what happened, but honestly, don't hold your breath.

nomas · 14/04/2025 21:34

Yes I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of being their scapegoat anymore.

When is the wedding, whose wedding is it and what have you been invited to?

Have you seen any of them since the last wedding and how long ago was that?

Wellhellotheremydear · 14/04/2025 21:27

Yes I agree Monica is a total bitch and doesn't like you for probably no reason at all, that is just how some people are. Sadly I think you're better off to ditch the lot of them.

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 14/04/2025 21:22

If they are making you feel shit then I would distance myself. I am sorry that Monica has been such a cow. I can guarantee it's not just you. I imagine with you gone, someone else will be in the firing line . She sounds like a bully

TheArcher · 14/04/2025 21:21

Clearly Monica is a total bitch who has turned the others against you. The others aren’t good friends if they’ve allowed that to happen. Ditch them all. You’re worth more.

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