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Original poster

Should I be a bridesmaid or end the friendship?

37 replies

Bridesmaidorexfriend · 14/04/2025 21:17

I have a friendship group of 4 people, I’m really close with two of them (let’s call them
Rachel and Phoebe) and the other (Monica) I’ve just never clicked with. I don’t dislike her but I get the impression she resents my part in the group.

Over the years there have been times where the three of them meet up and don’t include me, and it’s always when Monica has arranged the meet up, I try not to get upset because people are allowed different friendship dynamics etc but it always made me feel like a bit of a loser.

Well last year Phoebe and Rachel both got engaged (not to each other) and were all bridesmaids. We went on the hen dos and Monica drove and she made a point of telling me I needed to give her petrol money. Which I had always planned to do, didn’t think anything of it, but later she made another comment about me, and I can’t remember what it was now, but I got the distinct feeling that they had been talking about me behind my back. There were a number of sly digs that weekend and i remember feeling really on edge and tried to tell myself I was imagining things.

When we planned the other persons hen we spoke about doing a joint personal present for the bride and I said that’s a great idea, it wasn’t mentioned again, and closer to the time I realised that they had done that without me.

I was a student at the time and really had no money, but I paid for my place on both hens and paid for my shoes and accessories that they’d picked. Money was tight but I don’t feel like I wasn’t paying my way. As a student I didnt have a car and so before the first wedding I spoke about how everyone was getting there and realised that embarrassingly I’d assumed we would go together but no one was able to offer me a lift. It was out of area but I managed to arrange something anyway. I then got quite a nasty message of Monica about it.

I didn’t want to go to the wedding this point, the way I viewed it was that Monica had never been rude to me before, I had vibes, but for her to be this rude to me recently I believe that’s because she feels she has permission because they are talking about me behind my back.

I went, it was awkward but then it was fine, I having a good time when Monica kept coming to get me for bridesmaid duty’s. (Things that she had taken it on herself to organise when there were staff there, but was happy to help) So I’d go and do what I was asked and she would go off, the other bridesmaid joined me and we were laughing and joking around and she came back and went mental at us both saying we were terrible bridesmaid because we were enjoying ourselves and not taking it seriously. But the bride had been with us and she was having a great time. I think she was annoyed that the other bridesmaid wasn’t ostracising me. I burst in to tears and being tipsy admitted to Phoebe that I wished I hadn’t come due to the vibes I’d been getting, she didn’t say anything to that, didn’t ask what I meant or anything.

Not spoken to either bridesmaid since, the bride apologised about it and said that Monica should never have had a go at us and that she had felt we had all been fantastic bridesmaids and she’d had an amazing day.

I don’t want to go to the next wedding, which is a while away. I don’t even think I want to be friends with them anymore. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong and if I’m honest I don’t want to know. There will be something, I don’t think they’ve turned on me for nothing, but at this point I think I’d rather never know because I will just beat myself up about it and I feel like I can’t move past how I’ve been treated anyway. I feel like I’m back at school with the mean girls. Should I just cut my losses?

OP posts:
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theresbeautyinwindysun · 23/06/2025 16:19

Yes can see this is old thread. However have to add, never open a conversation as recommended above by apologising for an unknown reason Why would you apologise for them being horrible? I would never apologise for no reason.

Gymnopedie · 23/06/2025 15:44

This thread is from April. Things will have moved on.

GoldDuster · 23/06/2025 15:41

This sounds horrible, I'd leave them to it. Either Phoebe or Rachel will be the next target, you meanwhile will be oblivious. You sound like you've got your head screwed on.

LilacReader · 23/06/2025 15:35

Letting the friendships go is not going to make you feel any worse than you do now so definitely worth thinking about.
However, could you not grab a meet with just one of them and say exactly what you have said here. Start by apologising if you have done something to upset them but could she let you know what exactly it is. That way, if you do decide to drop them all at least it won't be playing on your mind. Hope you're OK 💐

KindnessIsKey123 · 15/04/2025 20:14

Sadly, I have been in this situation twice.

Once I was at university, and there was a similar Monica involved. I wracked my brains trying to think of what I had possibly done to offend her. The only reason I could think of, was that when we chose bedrooms, I was lucky enough to be able to choose first and chose the best bedroom. She turned the other two against me, and they clearly didn’t give a shit about me, and acted similarly to your friends here.

I then had a similar wedding situation where I was one of three bridesmaids. Around six months after the wedding I realised that they’d all been meeting up without me. Apparently, I’ve said something awful to the bride on the day. No one ever raised it with me, and I was absolutely mortified. I still do not know to this day, what I said. The one friend I asked said she ‘didn’t want to get involved’.

I am no longer friends any of these people. I’m extremely glad of that. They are not a true friend.

It’s not all Monica‘s fault. If someone was a true friend, they would not speak negatively about you behind your back.

You need to back out of this. And cut ties with these people. I promise you, it is the right thing to do

arcticpandas · 15/04/2025 19:25

Good friends would not let another friend treat you like shit! So none of them can be qualified as a "good friend". You're better of without them.

nobodywantsit · 15/04/2025 19:11

MesmerisingMuon · 15/04/2025 14:36

@Bridesmaidorexfriend it sounds like the friendship has perhaps run it's course but there's no point exiting without an explanation.

I would message Phoebe and ask her if she knows what Monica's problem is with you and what you've done wrong to deserve such aggressive treatment from her with no apology. I'd say you're not aware of having done anything wrong so Monica's hostility is unpleasant and making you feel very uncomfortable.

You might find you get a helpful reply. If she doesn't respond kindly then you have your answer.

But leaving the friendship group without TRYING to get to the bottom of Monica's problem would be foolish.

I agree with this. If the friendship is likely dead anyway then why not try and get some answers.

I would try and meet up with either Rachel or Phoebe and ask for really brutal honesty. You have nothing to lose.

Diarygirlqueen · 15/04/2025 19:00

I would be honest with the bride to be and excuse yourself from wedding duties. She's a bully and unlikely to change her ways.
Life's too short to deal with this nonsense, if they were really your friends , they would have stuck up for you. To exclude you from present giving and days out is so hurtful and isolating.
This is not healthy friendships. You deserve better friends.

NewtPond · 15/04/2025 18:43

I’m only on this thread for the creative misspellings of Phoebe.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 15/04/2025 17:03

I would like ait and if they get in touch about Pheobies wedding message her personally and say that while you would love to be part of the day and don't want to let her down you are respectful pulling out due to he way Monica has treated you over the past few years and made you feel like she has been talking about you behind your back etc and that you are worth more than that/ life's to short etc but you hope she has a lovely day.

MesmerisingMuon · 15/04/2025 14:36

@Bridesmaidorexfriend it sounds like the friendship has perhaps run it's course but there's no point exiting without an explanation.

I would message Phoebe and ask her if she knows what Monica's problem is with you and what you've done wrong to deserve such aggressive treatment from her with no apology. I'd say you're not aware of having done anything wrong so Monica's hostility is unpleasant and making you feel very uncomfortable.

You might find you get a helpful reply. If she doesn't respond kindly then you have your answer.

But leaving the friendship group without TRYING to get to the bottom of Monica's problem would be foolish.

SuperTrooper14 · 15/04/2025 14:24

Based on your update I'd be withdrawing as a bridesmaid. I'd simply tell the bride that you've decided it would be better if she chooses someone that Monica can stand to be around and is willing to include because the last wedding wasn't a pleasant experience because of her obvious dislike. If the bride, buoyed up by Monica, throws a hissy fit and disinvites you from the wedding for daring to step down, then you have your answer about whether you're really good friends with any of them. But if the bride understands and is happy for you to just be a guest, you might be able to forge a separate friendship with her and the other one that involves seeing them less and not seeing Monica at all. In the meantime, definitely focus on other friendships that are less contentious.

BitterTits · 15/04/2025 10:23

They sound horrible, all of them by association. As you'll need to let Phoebe know if you decide not to be her bridesmaid, you might as well be very open about why.

Original poster
Bridesmaidorexfriend · 15/04/2025 10:15

It’s hard to explain the feeling I’ve been getting around them. I’d say that Monica was more overt and the others were less so. Like the hen do, there were multiple jokes and digs by Monica, and Phoebe and Rachel were there and heard, they just took no notice or laughed depending on what she’d said. It was just different as we’re not the type normally to be bitchy with one another and I really noticed it because it was the start of something having changed. I tried to ignore it as thought I could be imagining it.

But then leading up to the other hen the joint present we had agree to organise was obviously taken out of the group chat and in to their individual chat, and I wasn’t told I was no longer involved until I asked about it and was told oh we’ve done it already and I had to go out and find a new present idea. No explanation when I asked. By this point I was feeling on edge so just accepted it.

There was always a day out with the hairdresser doing our hair. The three of them went and had a day out and had a trial of their hair and make up and I wasn’t told about it or invited.

In the run up to the wedding the only time I heard from any of them was checking that I’d got the things I needed to be bridesmaid. Practicalities only. No friendship stuff. When I would message I never really got much back. So before the wedding it already felt like I was on the outside. So there’s no mean comments by Phoebe and Rachel but the lack of involving me in things I think speaks volumes.

I feel a little bit crazy to be honest, like maybe I have imagined half of it, but then the wedding just confirmed everything I’d been worried about. When I first got there there was an atmosphere but I just cracked on with helping set up and getting ready and I noticed Phoebe thawed towards me and it felt more normal, Rachel was fine but obviously busy with her wedding. Then Monica spent most of her evening bossing me around. The following day Phoebe and Monica were fine with one another and were eating breakfast together. I’ve not heard from either since.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/04/2025 09:47

*covertly!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/04/2025 09:44

Hi OP

Have Rachael and Phoebe done anything or said anything to you? Or have they just not got involved? What kind of thing has Monica done or said when you think they should have said something? And have you ever said something? They can't really have a go at her for not liking you but they can if she is treating you horribly. But it sounds like she is probably doing things fairly overtly, so it's deniable? And if you have never said anything then they don't realise how bad you feel about it? If I was Phoebe I wouldn't have said anything at the wedding either, it's not really the time or the place.

Just wondering if there is anything that can be salvaged with the other two. If you said its obvious Monica doesn't like you, you'd still like to be friends with them and see them separately and see if it ever happens. Just if that'd a possibility, then I wouldn't not go to the wedding as the narrative will be that the friendship will be over because you binned off their wedding, not because someone has been subtly bullying you for ages.

clarepetal · 15/04/2025 09:44

Wellhellotheremydear · 14/04/2025 21:27

Yes I agree Monica is a total bitch and doesn't like you for probably no reason at all, that is just how some people are. Sadly I think you're better off to ditch the lot of them.

Exactly this. Monica should fuck off.

Cleo65 · 15/04/2025 09:28

These aren't 'your people' - listen to your instincts, that's what they are there for.

Chungai · 15/04/2025 09:23

5128gap · 14/04/2025 22:19

OK. So Monica clearly doesn't like you and is trying to push you out of the group. But what on earth has Rachel done, other than try her best to reassure you when you got upset at her wedding, apologise to you when she did nothing wrong at her wedding, and send you a message? Why would you ditch her?

As for Pheobe, she's done nothing either, has she, other than not message you. Did you message her, or do you think it was up to her because you were upset when Monica told you BOTH off?

You're supposed to be the women's bridesmaid but are planning on bailing because of another person upsetting you? I think you're being unfair to both these women.

As for Monica, you need to stick up for yourself. Why are you letting her drive a wedge between you and the others? Be more assertive, take responsibility for things. Don't assume other people will be organising lifts and gifts for you to share in. If you like R and P, then reach out and arrange to see them.

I agree with all this.

So you don't / didn't want to go to two of your closest friends weddings because of bad vibes you were getting off someone else?

And you cried and told one of your friends that is also getting married soon that you didn't want to be at the wedding of one of your best mates but didn't really explain why?

And the bride apologized for Monica and thanked you for being a bridesmaid but that's not enough?

Monica is a dick but I don't think the other two have done a thing wrong. You come across quite high maintenance tbh.

BusyMum47 · 15/04/2025 09:16

TheArcher · 14/04/2025 21:21

Clearly Monica is a total bitch who has turned the others against you. The others aren’t good friends if they’ve allowed that to happen. Ditch them all. You’re worth more.

This! ⬆️

You're an adult & don't have to put up with this 'mean girls high school' shit anymore.

You sound lovely & they don't deserve you - walk away & find nicer people!

muggart · 14/04/2025 22:40

i’m not sure. Monica is clearly a bad egg but for the other 2 to ask you to be a bridesmaid they must value your friendship. I would ask the bride who apologized what on earth is going on. Ask her face to face and put her on the spot so she has to answer. I wouldn’t walk away from friendships like that without trying to understand.

Be prepared to ditch them though if they aren’t honest with you.

5128gap · 14/04/2025 22:19

OK. So Monica clearly doesn't like you and is trying to push you out of the group. But what on earth has Rachel done, other than try her best to reassure you when you got upset at her wedding, apologise to you when she did nothing wrong at her wedding, and send you a message? Why would you ditch her?

As for Pheobe, she's done nothing either, has she, other than not message you. Did you message her, or do you think it was up to her because you were upset when Monica told you BOTH off?

You're supposed to be the women's bridesmaid but are planning on bailing because of another person upsetting you? I think you're being unfair to both these women.

As for Monica, you need to stick up for yourself. Why are you letting her drive a wedge between you and the others? Be more assertive, take responsibility for things. Don't assume other people will be organising lifts and gifts for you to share in. If you like R and P, then reach out and arrange to see them.

NewtPond · 14/04/2025 22:13

OP, this is another one of those baffling Mn situations where someone appears to be longterm friends with someone they simply don’t like, and who doesn’t like them.

Honestly, I’d just step back permanently from the whole mess. It doesn’t sound as if you’re enjoying any aspect of that friendship group any more.And in future, don’t drift into friendship groups with people you don’t get on with.

Original poster
Bridesmaidorexfriend · 14/04/2025 22:10

Thanks everyone, it’s good to confirm that I’m doing the right thing. Will really miss the friendships with Rachel and Phoebe always thought of them as good friends, but I agree that if they were good friends they’d have stood up for me. Also, I don’t think Monica would have acted this way unless she felt emboldened by the opinions of the others so there were obviously deep cracks in our friendship anyway. Will concentrate on other friendships from now on. Thank you

OP posts:
Notenoughcoffe · 14/04/2025 22:07

Blondine why spread such bad vibes? Why dont you go do your housework instead? You dont have to comment “like you always do”! 🙄