To be in Limerence in my early 40s

As @Flamintula says, it can absolutely be triggered by early perimenopause. The hormonal fluctuations can mirror adolescent intensity of feelings.

Then he's not a nice person.

You put it out there and he rejected the idea (to be honest, I would with a work colleague too, even if I did like them). He's now using you as an ego boost and sending you mixed messages because he likes that you like him. That's not very nice and pretty teenage behaviour, so he's emotionally immature too!

I don't really know what to advise about the limerance issue except keep keep on mind these these about him and hope it fades on time.

It’s the uncertainty that is stoking the fires.
it’s like a slot machine, it’s the randomness of winning forces your brain to try and make a pattern out of it and causes distress.

it’s the intermittent ‘he likes me, he doesn’t like me’ that causes all of this.

Limerence is similar to drug addiction, its ’person addiction’ and can be very painful.

There is a website called ‘living with limerence’ and a book called ‘smitten’ that may help you. Wishing you a speedy recovery x x

He has told you he wants to be friends so it does seem like a non-starter. He will know you fancy him so would have gone for it by now if he was interested. I would start looking around for other options and it will probably fade.

@SantoriniSunrise how can oxygen levels be 128? Do you mean your pulse? Oxygen levels are around 96% etc

He's actually told you he just wants to be friends. Accept it.

Feel your pain…. I am feeling that way about my gay colleague. We always got on well, but now we have had a huge desk move and I don’t see him, I have turned into a mooning teenager. I guess it’s just a weird semi-grief reaction but it’s really bizarre.

Oh goodness I am going through limerance with my doctor at the moment. I'd never even heard of it before, but after doing a bit of googling as my thoughts are so obsessive, it described how I'm feeling perfectly.

I realise now it was an instant attraction as when he checked my oxygen saturations they were fluctuating at 128. I had a bad chest infection and am asthmatic, so had been checking it quite regularly at home and they were completely normal.

Unfortunately the second time I went back to see him a week later I came across as quite nervous, and I could tell he picked up on it, and also felt he was very subtly flirting with me a couple of times. Then when he listened to my chest I became quite flustered. Having made such a fool of myself I am now unable to ever go back to him, but haven't been able to stop thinking about him, and that was five weeks ago!

Just because you haven’t experienced it, doesn’t mean limerence is real and different to being in love. Have a google.
it can be debilitating and damaging.

OP - I agree with the pp who said find distance and a new focus.

Well if anything could make a person super cautious in the love & commitment department - that would be it.

Oh it’s just a posh word for stalking in my opinion

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/apr/12/what-happens-when-love-tips-over-into-the-infatuated-state-of-limerence

Great article in Guardian this week by a doctor who studied this subject following an episode of it himself.

Its basically an addiction response but you can follow strategies to reduce the brain response to it.

Lots of men like the flirting, the emotional labour women do when they fancy a man, the appreciation, but really, if he has said no you need to cut it off completely. It's really disrespectful to act like he likes you as more than a friend but then claim he doesn't. It blurs boundaries, no wonder you are confused. I recommend a mental ice bath and to make all the efforts you can to put him in a box marked "never ever will I". I've seen too many dudes like this.

Yeah – wondering if he’s flirting a bit for an ego boost but isn’t really interested beyond that

Of interest in case it hadn't been posted already https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/apr/12/what-happens-when-love-tips-over-into-the-infatuated-state-of-limerence

If a guy likes you, you will know!

Is limerence the best bit? It’s all a bit disappointing thereafter.

If it’s really obsessive (ie you really want to stop thinking about it but you can’t like it’s playing on a loop inside your head and you just want it to stop, it’s making you unhappy, you lose sleep over it, it feels like your brain itches and you can’t get any relief): antidepressants- ones that are good for ocd (sertraline/ paroxetine/ lexapro etc)
I am on Venlafaxine and mirtazapine, that works. Get regular sleep and plenty of it too. Try to remember you are fixated on the feeling and not the actual person. Avoid him as much as possible. It will pass eventually. Look at what it tells you is missing from your life (intimacy/ affection / attention?) and then use that to improve your life.

I think you can get an hormonal Surge in early 40s a bit like a teenager, a last hurrah before menopause hits!
No harm in just fantasising if there's no viable chance of a real relationship.
It will burn itself out eventually.

So you just fancy someone then.