To be in Limerence in my early 40s

Know how hard limerance is.
My experience is when a straight man is interested he’ll make it known. Move emotionally away from this guy. Focus on you only for 3 weeks. Your feelings for him will diminish. Trust me X

I think you need to show you are dating other men.

Advantage is that you will hopefully meet a fully emotionally available person you can grow to love. And I bet, before you even do that, your 'friend' will suddenly realise there is competition - if this happens take great note, because the scales may just fall from your eyes very naturally allowing you to move on (if that is what you ultimately decide). All best, not an easy situation, he is obviously dealing with a lot of hurt and mistrust.

Do you know why he's not still married? If he cheated, it would hopefully help you to go off him.

Hello, I don’t want to hijack the thread but this has been such an eye opener for me and I am now currently listening to the Smitten audiobook. Thank you to whoever posted about the guardian article.

@hestkuk despite all evidence to the contrary, you keep persuading yourself that he's interested and looking for little signs and analyzing every little thing that happens.

I would say there are some mixed messages going on. He's said he just wants to be friends but shares everything with her, is inviting her to his house for dinner and being touchy feely. He's not necessarily doing it with an ulterior motive in mind but it's still confusing.

So I don't think it's that surprising that people can get a bit obsessive about it, especially when you have to work with that person. The feelings OP has described are pretty normal in an are they/aren't they situation.

That said, I have learnt it is simplest to take people at face value. He may have feelings for OP or he may not, but it's irrelevant unless he acts on them so there's no point wasting energy on trying to figure it out. I would personally start to mentally distance myself and picture him in unflattering lights. The 'what disgusting things do you do' thread would offer some inspiration.

I’m going to try that 5-4-3-2-1 , nope , get lost when i experience those down & out feelings ( quite a bit 😔 ) due to Perimenopause ..
I hope it works for me 🤞
Thanks 🙂

It is the exact age where your clock is ticking and instead of feeling broody because you have no companion your hormones are instead trying to get you someone to mate with and have a baby. Like being broody you could try and ignore it if you don’t want to go down that path but otherwise why not indulge it and have a baby you only live once and the clock is ticking.

There’s so many different perspectives, examples, experiences of the same situation out there ..
I forget that sometimes..

20 years ago a good friend told me we would never be anything more than friends. It was obvious there was a mutual attraction and a very good friendship. 5 year after that we got together it wasn’t forced just happened naturally and we still together married with sprogs. Maybe it just not the right time for him considering what he’s been through with his ex wife.

Not being spiteful at all, but have you seen the thread on classics about "the ick?" Sounds like a good dose of the ick would cure you of this affliction, cos I know it's awful

It’s a balls ye work together..
Would you join a dating site ? try forget this guy

PS I see you’re an NHS’er too - work relationships can be tricky so that’s maybe why he is giving mixed messages

Good luck. I hadn’t read the link or seen the article when I posted earlier. The book and website are about the same guy!

That 54321 counting down tip is excellent, I hope you find something that works, all the best x

Hey OP 👋
You say you are a long time widow, you are so young , sorry to hear that, you clearly lost your husband very young ..
If this man has said he just wants to be friends, the likely hood of the situation, is he just wants to be friends , I think anyway, what age is he ?
If he has said he just wants to be friends & is giving off vibes saying different, that really isn’t fair of him ..
Do you think maybe , he likes that you fancy him & is playing into it , bit of an ego boost for him ?

I’ve had limerance 3 times in my life, and I’m in my 50’s, so I totally get you OP.

Last time was an OLD guy, who worked in the same clinical area of me (NHS). I’m embarrassed to say that I “researched” him, his ex-wife online & it was really obsessive.

i realised it was unhealthy, decided to end things as I had totally lost control, and cut contact.

A year later, I am over it, have met someone new. But I just couldn’t get this guy out my head & it wasn’t going to be a relationship- we never even met!!

You're the double of his ex? Then be doubly beware. His behaviour as you've described it seems slightly cruel; he's cultivated your interest, then politely dismissed it, yet keeps hanging around you at work and contacting you outside of it. I'd guess he gets off on the emotional turmoil he's stirring in you, perhaps as revenge on his ex-wife.

As a fellow limerent, I feel for you. It's like your brain has been hijacked. (In my case it's lifelong and caused by ADHD.) So here are my management tips:

You must override your lizard brain. If your thoughts stray to him, count backwards: "5-4-3-2-1, nope, not thinking about that, piss off, get lost." The backwards count engages your pre-frontal cortex, your centre of reason.

You might also have a corresponding surge in physical energy. So use it. Go run, cycle, learn ballet, or just walk for miles with an audiobook. You'll feel fitter and more in control.

Tell him (whether it's true or not), "I'd rather you didn't contact me outside of work. My social life has become very busy, so I won't have time to chat." Then smother a smile and make him wonder what you've been up to. And keep your private life private. No more cosy confidences with him.

Normally I wouldn't discourage someone from pursuing a crush, but this guy is giving me the serious ick. I think he's using you to embiggen his limp self-esteem, OP.

Limerance isn’t a new word. It’s been in use since the 60s.

It also isn’t “having a crush”. It’s having intrusive thoughts relating to the crush and is typically characterised by being melancholic and having over dramatic concerns for your crushes wellbeing.

A perfect example is the married 55 year old man who posted yesterday about his “crush” on a disabled colleague in her 30s. He wrote about how he wanted to “save her, & give her a wonderful life” & justified the age gap because she had reduced life expectancy due to her disability. This women is senior management. She doesn’t sound like she needs “taking care off” by a man having a midlife crisis. That’s about as blatant an example of limerance as you can get.

Limerence is definitely a thing, but the good news for you is that if you want it to go away, it probably will do so more quickly than you think. Right now it probably feels like you won’t ever stop thinking about him. Seeing him every day probably isn’t helping though.

Limerence is not the same as a crush at all. Until people have actually experienced it they would not understand.
agree it’s the uncertainty and mixed messages fuelling it. It’s a pity it’s not possible to cut all ties in this situation as that would be the best thing.