To be in Limerence in my early 40s

Dreamingi · 2025-04-14T19:41:42+00:00

Limerence aka an infatuation or really intense crush I’ve never felt anything like it and I’m constantly looking for signs he likes me back and waiting for communication from him. friends and colleagues tell me he likes me too I’m not so sure I know I need to get over this but it’s all consuming has anyone else had this? no spiteful comments please

TryForSpring · 17/04/2025 19:04

It’s not much talked about, but men do this quite a lot, just for the attention and ego boost, without ever intending to have sex.

If a woman did it, she’d be called a cock tease and vilified. Men seem to go under the radar.

Original poster

Dreamingi · 17/04/2025 18:50

Calliopespa · 17/04/2025 18:43

I can understand the mindbend of “does he - doesn’t he?” if there were good reasons he might be keeping it hidden eg: if he were married/ you were married/ he was your boss etc.

But if there aren’t any such reasons and as you’ve also made a suggestion he rejected I really don’t think he’s concealing a massive crush on you. Everything is open for him to ask you out.

I think he’s being a bit of a self absorbed idiot tbh, enjoying the attention but not thinking/caring how it may be impacting you. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I think accepting that will serve you better in the long run op. You are tormenting yourself over nothing with the wondering.

And I definitely agree xx

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Original poster

Dreamingi · 17/04/2025 18:50

Calliopespa · 17/04/2025 18:43

I can understand the mindbend of “does he - doesn’t he?” if there were good reasons he might be keeping it hidden eg: if he were married/ you were married/ he was your boss etc.

But if there aren’t any such reasons and as you’ve also made a suggestion he rejected I really don’t think he’s concealing a massive crush on you. Everything is open for him to ask you out.

I think he’s being a bit of a self absorbed idiot tbh, enjoying the attention but not thinking/caring how it may be impacting you. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I think accepting that will serve you better in the long run op. You are tormenting yourself over nothing with the wondering.

I would love to tell you more about him but it’s so so outing 😬

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Watermill · 17/04/2025 18:48

When I was your age I went completely batshit over a (totally unsuitable) bloke. It was exactly like being 16 again.

Don’t worry, it will pass and you will look back fondly, and with a large helping of embarrassment 😂

Calliopespa · 17/04/2025 18:43

I can understand the mindbend of “does he - doesn’t he?” if there were good reasons he might be keeping it hidden eg: if he were married/ you were married/ he was your boss etc.

But if there aren’t any such reasons and as you’ve also made a suggestion he rejected I really don’t think he’s concealing a massive crush on you. Everything is open for him to ask you out.

I think he’s being a bit of a self absorbed idiot tbh, enjoying the attention but not thinking/caring how it may be impacting you. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I think accepting that will serve you better in the long run op. You are tormenting yourself over nothing with the wondering.

Adviceneededpleasehelpme · 17/04/2025 18:07

I came across a few guys like this back in my dating days and have been where you are. Definitely sounds like he's playing games with you and is loving the ego boost. It's so hard to see it for what it is though when you're hooked on someone!
Agree that no contact is the best thing right now

Original poster

Dreamingi · 17/04/2025 18:07

CalicoPusscat · 17/04/2025 17:57

I like having a little crush, have one myself 😆 we're both single.

No harm really?

It is when some days I think it’s mutual then others I don’t
does my head in!

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CalicoPusscat · 17/04/2025 17:57

I like having a little crush, have one myself 😆 we're both single.

No harm really?

Original poster

Dreamingi · 17/04/2025 17:46

Calliopespa · 16/04/2025 23:22

I wonder what you liked about him?

I have heard in these cases it’s normally something about you that you are projecting onto him, rather than anything that is actually genuinely attractive.

He reminds me of my deceased other half a bit
I don’t know what I liked

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Calliopespa · 16/04/2025 23:22

I wonder what you liked about him?

I have heard in these cases it’s normally something about you that you are projecting onto him, rather than anything that is actually genuinely attractive.

Original poster

Dreamingi · 16/04/2025 21:01

Calliopespa · 16/04/2025 20:52

He’s reeling you in and out to play with you.
“Come closer” when you don’t, but nothing when you do.

Its a game for him.

Just tell yourself if there was someone he respects and really fancies ( and there might be) he won’t be letting her slip away. That might hose it down for you!

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I’m beginning to think it’s been an ego boost
He knows I like him I think

I am also the double of his ex which I must admit did take me aback slightly when. I saw her a few weeks ago.
he's moody and really not that attractive
im slowly being put off 🤪😬

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Calliopespa · 16/04/2025 20:52

Dreamingi · 16/04/2025 20:44

I have gone no contact
we last text on Monday
I’m on medical leave for the next week and a bit as I have had a minor op.
its easy as he has a lot going on in life and isn’t the best texter but always makes contact if I don’t
I just need to get over it
like PP have said
if he wanted to fuck me he would of
he could of made a move
I thought at one point he was going to
he invited me to sit on the sofa and I say away from him and he said ‘oh’
but the next time I sat right next to him and nothing
I could go over lots of things
Donna and hints but the fact remains that he isn’t interested
so I need to get over it

Show quote history

He’s reeling you in and out to play with you.
“Come closer” when you don’t, but nothing when you do.

Its a game for him.

Just tell yourself if there was someone he respects and really fancies ( and there might be) he won’t be letting her slip away. That might hose it down for you!

Original poster

Dreamingi · 16/04/2025 20:46

Sat not say
god must check writing!

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Original poster

Dreamingi · 16/04/2025 20:44

Not Donna!
suggestions that’s meant to say

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Original poster

Dreamingi · 16/04/2025 20:44

Danglinglights · 16/04/2025 19:46

Limerence is a very real thing. It’s more than a crush. It’s usually kick started by uncertainty. There are some good self help videos but it usually takes going no contact if you want to be free of it.

Limerence is awful and consumes you. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

I have gone no contact
we last text on Monday
I’m on medical leave for the next week and a bit as I have had a minor op.
its easy as he has a lot going on in life and isn’t the best texter but always makes contact if I don’t
I just need to get over it
like PP have said
if he wanted to fuck me he would of
he could of made a move
I thought at one point he was going to
he invited me to sit on the sofa and I say away from him and he said ‘oh’
but the next time I sat right next to him and nothing
I could go over lots of things
Donna and hints but the fact remains that he isn’t interested
so I need to get over it

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Danglinglights · 16/04/2025 19:46

Limerence is a very real thing. It’s more than a crush. It’s usually kick started by uncertainty. There are some good self help videos but it usually takes going no contact if you want to be free of it.

Limerence is awful and consumes you. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Original poster

Dreamingi · 16/04/2025 18:48

Calliopespa · 16/04/2025 12:28

Many, many bits of me are very aware!

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😂😂

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Calliopespa · 16/04/2025 12:28

Dreamingi · 16/04/2025 12:18

My bladder certainly does 🤪😂

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Many, many bits of me are very aware!

Original poster

Dreamingi · 16/04/2025 12:18

Calliopespa · 16/04/2025 00:26

I think your bio clock doesn’t always know that though.

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My bladder certainly does 🤪😂

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Calliopespa · 16/04/2025 00:26

Dreamingi · 15/04/2025 11:26

I have children.

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I think your bio clock doesn’t always know that though.

Original poster

Dreamingi · 15/04/2025 21:06

daisychain01 · 15/04/2025 20:32

a while ago after a few signs I suggested something and he said he just wanted to be friends

please, please, take him at his word. He's told you loud and clear he just wants to be friends, which is the oldest put-down ever known.

if he wanted to be with you there is nothing stopping you if you're both single. So it must mean he's made his decision,

if you keep trying to make him change his mind, you'll lose your dignity. Walk away with your head held high (even if inside your own head). Don't let him mess with your feelings!

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Never at any point have I tried to make him change his mind.

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Calliopespa · 15/04/2025 20:44

Dreamingi · 14/04/2025 21:03

But here’s the thing
a while ago after a few signs I suggested something and he said he just wanted to be friends

but he doesn’t act as if he does
others have picked up on it and say he ‘fancies’ me
in not so sure

it’s all a bit silly and childish.

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Hate to say it op but it sounds as if he likes the attention and is rather unkindly “stoking your fire” because he enjoys knowing you fancy him. Being brutally honest, I think if he really liked you, he wouldn’t have turned down a suggestion from you. Men don’t tend to be massively coy unless terrified of rejection - which he obviously isn’t if you’ve suggested something.

Sorry to say that BUT on the bright side accepting he isn’t interested often “cures” limerance. Limerance feeds on the uncertainty and mixed messages. He’s picking up on that - either consciously or subconsciously- and prolonging your feelings. It’s actually not very nice of him.

All that aside, limerance seens very common in early 40’s. I have heard it suggested that at that life stage “ the heart is willing but the flesh is weak.” In other words you like the idea but not enough to jump into bed with someone horny and ready to go. You’ve subliminally picked someone you know won’t tango because actually it’s the flirting and the romantic wondering that interests you more than the sweaty deed.

daisychain01 · 15/04/2025 20:32

Dreamingi · 14/04/2025 21:03

But here’s the thing
a while ago after a few signs I suggested something and he said he just wanted to be friends

but he doesn’t act as if he does
others have picked up on it and say he ‘fancies’ me
in not so sure

it’s all a bit silly and childish.

Show quote history

a while ago after a few signs I suggested something and he said he just wanted to be friends

please, please, take him at his word. He's told you loud and clear he just wants to be friends, which is the oldest put-down ever known.

if he wanted to be with you there is nothing stopping you if you're both single. So it must mean he's made his decision,

if you keep trying to make him change his mind, you'll lose your dignity. Walk away with your head held high (even if inside your own head). Don't let him mess with your feelings!

Original poster

Dreamingi · 15/04/2025 19:54

AlimonyHelp · 15/04/2025 16:22

Hello, I don’t want to hijack the thread but this has been such an eye opener for me and I am now currently listening to the Smitten audiobook. Thank you to whoever posted about the guardian article.

It’s so difficult to navigate isn’t it
xx

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Original poster

Dreamingi · 15/04/2025 19:52

Chocoholicnightmare · 15/04/2025 17:57

Do you know why he's not still married? If he cheated, it would hopefully help you to go off him.

No she did with a family member of his

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