To think women who earn more than their partners secretly resent them?

Some will. The internalised misogyny that underpins this thinking is hard to shake. As your post demonstrates.

I earn three times more and do all the mental load stuff and all the child fetching and carrying and the bulk of the domestic stuff. It was t like this prior to him becoming disabled and I feel sorry for the changes in his life and gratitude for my good health. It’s a relationship not a transactional superficial and stereotypical farce.

We've been married for decades and throughout that time DH has run a family business. There was a time when it was barely surviving that I hoped he would bail and he did look into other possibilities, but to do that would have affected the rest of his family. Eventually things picked up, and though I earn more and always have done, the business has brought in a steady income for years.

A huge benefit has been that once remote working became possible, he was able to work from home (saving office rental costs) which means he has been around to provide a lot of childcare and general life admin and it avoided me having to take time off work when they were sick or had appointments (though I also shared those responsibilities when I worked part time).

Maybe back in the day I wanted a man with a good income, but I long ago realised it was a sexist position to feel the man should earn more than his wife, and we have always been able to live the life we want to.

I think the problem with this thread is that you're projecting your own personal prejudices onto the feelings of other women and assuming that they will feel however you might feel in that situation.

But we don't all feel like you do. Personally, I don't mind at all that DH earns less than I do. He works hard and pulls his weight. The chances of us both earning exactly the same are pretty low, so one partner will always earn more than the other. There is no inherent reason why that should be him and not me.

Of course, there will be some women who resent being the higher earner/having to carry more of the financial burden, but there are plenty of men who resent this too.

If you wouldn't feel comfortable in a relationship where your male partner earned less than you, then by all means, ensure that you only date ambitious, high earning men, or else put a limit on your own ambition so that you don't exceed what your partner can do. But please don't assume that the rest of us are buying into that sort of antiquated nonsense, and please don't patronise us by suggesting that we just can't be honest about how we really feel. We can, and the honest response is that we just don't share your sexist outlook on the world.

ach, sometimes I’d rather not work at all ;). To lead the lifestyle I like I do need to earn and the work I do I enjoy and it’s high earning but high pressure. There will be a time in the future when I’ll pare back.

Yes I seriously resented the man who made it hard for me to get promotion and earn more than him

Not sure about that way round, but there was a study a few years ago that indicated that men are less happy when their wives earn more:

www.citystgeorges.ac.uk/news-and-events/news/2020/11/men-feel-happy-if-they-earn-more-than-their-wives-study-shows

Er, not at all. What a sad and old fashioned assumption. It probably says more about the OP and the circles she inhabits.

My grandmother became a self-made millionaire by setting up her own business whereas my grandfather was on a very average university professor salary. She absolutely ADORED him and was always enormously proud of his accomplishments in academia (which she told everyone about) during their 67-year marriage. Zero resentment whatsoever.

I think OP is saying that she (and therefore women) wants someone above her level, not on her level. My advice to her would be to try to level up herself.

Hypergamy, it's inate.

We will always resent a man who we perceive is "less" than us.

Just you by the sounds of it

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This is an interesting perspective. I knew a couple where the woman worked (earned around 50k) and her partner had inherited wealth. He basically didn't work but would buy properties with his parents money (his parents people would then rent them out). She interestingly became resentful of him just lounging around the house doing nothing, despite the fact he was wealthy, as he had no drive and they split up.

So you can resent people being work shy/lack of ambition I think, irrespective of their income

The ambitious thing is a fair point, as well as intelligence to some extent. Obviously depends on the person, job etc but it is reasonable to want to be with someone on the same "level". Goes for looks too.

I resented it when every time I got a promotion my (now ex) DH used to reduce his hours. My career took off and I was still left doing all the housework and childcare (we had a childminder to pick up the slack) while he did less and less for minimum wage.

Now we’re divorced and he pays no child maintenance because he thinks I don’t need it and he has only enough to just live on. I have the kids 100% of the time. Yes I resented him.

I‘m now with someone who earns the same, does 50% of the housework and helps look after kids that aren’t even his own! Night and day!

I think it depends on the rest of the set up. If a woman is out earning her partner AND having to do the majority of the domestic labour then yes, I’d imagine there would be resentment. However, if the relationship was truly a partnerships with all domestic labour being shared then I think it would work fine.

Can you give some examples of what you mean by the comments and passive aggressive behaviour?

No - but I have heard from friends that their male partners resented them for earning more!

Are you ambitious and generous?

Try it, you might like it.

No. Why would we?

All my friends (female) earn more than their partners. I think the little resentment has only come when they aspire for a certain type of living eg private schools, and their partner just doesn't have the income. However most appreciate just having someone kind/loving in their relationship.

@DeepNewt maybe you do want someone who earns more but you need to go out actively and find that person. I have a friend who has money but believes men should be providers. Gorgeous as she is, its been a real struggle to find someone like this and she's still single.

Ours wasn’t a massive disparity. I earned about 20% more. Separated now.

Women are the higher earners in about 40% of relationships these day. Quite remarkable in the context of women taking time out for family and still carrying the mother load.

I didn’t resent him for his lower earnings but he didn’t particularly like it. I have sometimes thought how much easier life would be if he had been more ambitious and a higher earner. But no. I coped!

YABVU to preemptively dismiss anyone's opinion that doesn't aline with yours ("no matter what they say").

So basically I could write a detailed, thoughtful post about my own experiences and in return you would say I'm lying/kidding myself and refuse to believe me.

I think I'll skip writing about my experience then. Clearly you are locked into your own opinion and aren't at all open to other points of view.

I didn’t at first. It made no difference to me genuinely….until his contribution elsewhere in our lives reduced and he had a couple of pay rises and it was clear what was mine was ours and what was his was his.
id never want to be in a relationship again with such a disparity in income/earning potential (I earned 3x him)