Mum won't accept I don't want someone seeing my child so now I've said my mum can't either.

OP I'm so sorry to hear you've had to go through this. We had something similiar happen from SiL after a stroppy comment from me at a family get together. It wasnt photos but complaints about our house, saying I was suicidal & we were not looking after our dc correctly -neglect & not feeding them. SS turned up when I was about to take my dc to swimming lesson. They made an appointment to come back & I had a friend who knew me well & hubby there when they came. SS looked at our house, our fridge. Spoke to us & the children (together & separstely) & they said it was obviously an unfounded malicious complaint & they would not be taking it any further. I had no idea who had made the complaint (SS keep that confidential), just that from things SS said it was someone who had been in our house.

I was absolutely devestated and so was my husband. I had friends and kids from my sons' primary school & preschool over our house all the time. I was completely paranoid & upset that someone locally I knew was saying all these things. Then I got the written report from SS about what the complainant said & what SS said about their visits & the conclusion it was a malicious complaint. I knew from what they said the complainant said that it had to be from a specific day when the family were at ours. The only people were me, DH, our kids, my DM & DH's DPs (who would not have done that) & SiL & BiL & their DCs. I was bringing my DCs up to write or draw Thank Yous when they were given gifts. My BiL said not to bother, I said our DC were being brought up to say Thank You. That was it. But there was an awkward annoyed pause before things went back on track. Anyway I could tell from the SS report it had to have been SiL (& I then thought BiL).

DH & I talked about it. He wanted to have it out with them but I said no. Mainly because his Sister was his DPs def favourite child & they did everything they could for her & her dcs so I thought it bringing his DPs into it would mean they would side with her & damage his relationship with his parents.

I blanked SiL. They didnt see our kids & his DPs saw them when SiL would not be there. His DPs werent that bothered as our DCs were the wrong grandchildren. They never had our DC over without us or babysat before or after the incident - well maybe babysat 2-3 times as our DCs grew up. My PiL were always quite transactional - visits on their terms when my DH could do something for them. They had a history of being uninterested or unwilling to help with our kids even there were emergencies like my son being so ill with chickenpox I needed to take him to hospital to be diagnosed, or when I was hospitalised with suspected menengitis when DH abroad with work. Hence I felt DH would be the loser in any argument between him & his sister. Which 6/7 years later I was proved right about when his sister was getting a divorce & admitted what she had done. She never ever said sorry.

Decades later I still get upset about it. Angry & upset. OP its really horrible to have that happen. I know how painful it is. I think you are right to block your sister from having anything to do with your DCs. As a parent you have to protect your children which is exactly what I did. If your mum wont accept that then you have to decide if you will only allow her contact with you there. Tnh thats what I would do, & if thats not acceptable to her Id block her.

I would point out to her that not only are you very upset, and that your sister put your DC at risk at being taken away, but that she has put you and DC on notice and flagged up. I say this because SS went & talked to my DCs primary school. I went & spoke go the Head & class teachers sobbing because I felt they needed to know. They already knew. DS services had talked to them. That stayed with their records throughout school. Even at Secondary when my youngest went in with a singed eyebrow from a Scouts outdoor cooking session the school wanted me to explain why & how it had happened.

It doesnt flag up on any DBS checks even Enhanced. Ive had multiple DBD checks over the years because of working with children, teenagers, vulnerable & mentally ill adults & nothing. After all you & I have done nothing wrong.

However with one application the organisation asked separately if I had ever had SS contact me re this. I made mistake of answering truthfully explaining circumstances & was grilled to supply evidence, SS report & details & had an indepth Zoom interview which I have to say brought everything back up again & was really upsetting. I know the organisation were only being really carefull & I still got the position, but the process was just really deveststing all over again.

So be aware to keep your SS report exconerating you in a safe place. At some point it may come up.

So no your sister & your mum if she supports her deserve NC. Your sister has done lasting damage to you & your DC with this.

@RachCmomma good for you.

Do these people messaging you know the whole story? If so, I don't understand how they don't see it from your perspective.

Don't be afraid to ask someone to be with you when they visit, if that's possible. There's safety in numbers and it may make the aunties hold their tongues.

Don't listen to any Flying Monkeys trying to guilt trip you. Stick to your guns OP.

Yep, the flying monkeys are out in force. Handle them as you are; coolly, calmly, and truthfully. Some will stop after a couple of calls, others will be 'more persistant'. Don't be afraid to be stern, or even angry, with those who will not leave you be. And don't be afraid to put them on the LC/NC list.

This is your and DD's lives. You get to call ALL the shots!

Your Mum has facilitated them and not advocated for you when you were accused.

I wouldn't want to see any of them tbh.

I get the concept of two sides to a story but I don't think there is any reasonable explanation for sending an edited photo to social services. Agree with PP, I'd consider whether you're better off without them.

It all sounds very toxic. I think you need to think about moving after away from them all and cutting ties. It’s hard because we are conditioned otherwise but some parents are just toxic and your mum is facilitating your brother. If she isn’t standing up for you then she is playing into it. How can she think what he did was right.

I would go no contact with all of them. Family shouldn’t treat you like that.

Do your future a favour and never see any of them again.

To add....most cases for Grandparents being granted access would be situations like...
Child is in foster care due to both parents being on drugs, Grandparents never knew child and would like to get to know them whilst in foster care this is in the child's best interest to have the support of at least some family in their life. Grandparents are not known to police or social services, and do lots of volunteer work in community so would be positive role models in childs life.

Or Child's Father has passed away and Mother is refusing access, Grandparents would like access to maintain a relationship with their Child as it's in the Child's best interest to have support of their paternal family and get to know what their Father was like to help them have a sense of who they are. School have stated to Cafcass that prior to Fathers passing the Grandparents regularly picked the child up from school and child states they have been missing them.

I hope this gives you an idea of what circumstances the Court would usually deal with. "My Daughter allows me to see my Grandchild but not without her being there because I've gone against her wishes and allowed Grandchild to spend time with someone with documented malicious intent proved to be a danger to her future" ain't going to cut it.

My mom was in DDs life for 9 years regularly and her solicitor told her she didn't have a good case for gaining court ordered contact they told her to try to be nice to me instead as calling me names and making threats wasn't working

I know quite a bit about the court process for child access arrangements.

Your Mother does not have a right to make an application for access. She has to first formally apply for permission to make an application. It might be refused so not even get to the application stage. If she IS granted permission to apply to the court for access then Cafcass would definitely be involved to get safeguarding checks done. They would check whether any party were known to the Police or Social Services, and they'd also ask you if you had any concerns about your Child's welfare. This would be before any court hearing.

I know you've said that the Police aren't bothered, but I'd really keep pushing that.. Another poster has given you great advice on why and how what they've done qualifies as a crime. Write down what they've done in clear points and go back to the Station and ask to speak to someone again. Email in if you have to buy logging a crime report online. If you do that they HAVE to respond and there's a paper trail. You'll be known to Social Services because of the malicious report (it might not flag up but in theory you WANT it to, because that's great ammo in your corner). And you'll have crime reference number to show that your Mother is aiding criminals.

At the very worst and your Mum asked for permission to submit an application, which was granted, and then the application was approved that she can spend time with your Daughter I've no doubt that the court order would very very strict in saying that she is not allowed to let your Daughter spend time with your Brother. It can be very specific in what's allowed. It could say that all her contact must be supervised by another trusted adult, or must be at a contact centre supervised by a professional, or where your Brother wouldn't be allowed to access the building if he wasn't named on the Court order.

If she ever went against the court order and arranged an event where loe and behold your Brother just happened to be present then she'd be in contempt of court and could risk a fine, Community service or even a prison sentence.

She's calling your bluff. Even if she does try it she's in for a shock as to what the court process is like and what she's actually get as a result.

Please don't worry.

She's an idiot. A bully, but still an idiot.

Tell them all to FO and go no contact. If they can do that with the SS and risk you losing your child you are best having no contact. If you mother can't see why she's in the wrong she deserves not to be allowed contact. If their are any more malicious reports put a formal complaint in to SS and the police. They've lost the right to be treated as family.

i hear you
so if she wants to see your child, you do supervised on a day out - make it clear its just you two and your child

and if they turn up, leave
be firm, or you will be forever a push over

I would be furious. Something is severely wrong with them and your mother is in denial. I just can not believe that a brother would do this to his sister (ok, of course if it was real, then it had to be reported for the child well being, but not maliciously!!!!) I do get it, that it must be difficult decision for you, but I think you did it right. Unless you really need your mom to help you with childminding on that day, I would stay away. It is your child and your boundaries.

I'm with everyone else here, my narcissist alarm is going off. Kick them out of your life otherwise they will emotionally destroy you. Trying to reason with people like that is like trying to reason with the Terminator.