To still be struggling so much

He probably has not come out on top. Its such early days yet, and he rushed into another relationship on the rebound - never a recipe for another relationship. You are doing much the wiser way - get yourself in a good place, treat yourself well, bolster your self-esteem in meaningful ways, do some things that you really enjoy - never mind anyone else - just what you like. i hope you really enjoy life this spring and summer.

No he hasn’t come out on top, you have no idea what he thinks about either when the relationship ended or now. You need to move on and start living your ice as it is without him. This ongoing pity me poor me he’s moved on I haven’t it’s been a year look at him - will ruin you and your life an your friends will eventually (if they haven’t already)start moving away from you.

Try not to worry about the broken home narrative.
I think children are better off with parents who are apart than ones who are living together unhappily.
I am sure your children are loved and well cared for.
But this is your time now.
I am not sure how old you are but don’t waste valuable time.
After leaving an awful situation - no kids - in my early 30’s I went into a tailspin and stayed in it for far too long. I am two decades on now and I wish I could go back and tell myself!
One thing I have noticed from your writing - and it’s common on MN - there is very little about you as a person.
Yes, you as a wife and now an ex and you as a mum. It’s easy to lose yourself.
There was a thread on here before Christmas which many of us followed of a lady who’d spent her whole life with a man. They had grown up children. She’d completely lost herself in it all, and he left. And she really was broken.
The fact that you are young (and you will be to me) means you have many years to go.
So what if your ex prefers Festival Fiona? You did the right thing in ending it, rather than putting up with shitty behaviour.
Remember that. At a crucial moment, you did the right thing.
Time to find that inner strength again.

His behaviour that led to you breaking the relationship is the cause of this, not you. I understand why you feel you've let your children down by depriving them of a family where they live with two parents, but it is what it is and moving forward is the only way. You are grieving the loss of the expectation of what you thought your life would be, but you will get past this and find a new life which could well be much happier.

In moving on so quickly, it sounds like he wanted something shiny and new but really he's just trying to make himself feel better and it may not work long term.

Don't try to date - you're not ready. But look for other ways to get some happiness - if your friends can't help, maybe try something new - a course or class, a new hobby, or just a day out somewhere you love. It sounds like you have some free time (maybe when the children are with him?). Use that to do something that will uplift you (don't catch up on chores!).

This.

It sounds cruel, OP, I'm sure but there is an eleiment of dusting yourself and getting on with it now.

I always say on these threads that l, what helped me, was a line from The Shawshank Redemption - you can get busy living or get busy dying.

The choice really is yours.

Your guilt isn't helping your children. What will help them is to have a vital and happy mum who is living her life well.

You can't go back, you can only go forwards.

I understand the guilt. I managed to do it twice!

But the guilt isn't going to help your children. Or you. So you make peace with that and resolve to he the best version of you that you can be going forwards. Even if it feels like wading through treacle at times.

@Cheeseypastaa how old are your little ones x is he still seeing them or is he too busy. Hugs hun it does get easier x

@Cheeseypastaa you have to grieve when a relationship ends, no matter how shite it was. Everyone is different, so some people might move on quickly, others it takes longer. Just take things at your own pace and don't let it get you down x

So what do you want to happen here?

He prefers her. Maybe they are better suited? You can’t want to go back to that horrible situation you were in. You did the right thing by ending it.

So you have to move forward with your life now, as he has. See friends, family. Concentrate on your career, your hobbies, your self development.

How can he just so easily walk away like we meant nothing?

This really is your sign that you need to move in.

He still has a relationship with his children. He no longer has a relationship with you. That doesn't mean you meant nothing but that chapter has closed now. You need to close it too. At the moment, you're staring at blank pages wondering why they're empty, meanwhile, he is writing a whole new book.

And he has a right to do that. Because you ended the relationship.

I don’t understand what you mean. You ended the relationship. He has every right to walk away and move on with someone else. It doesn’t mean you meant nothing, just that you don’t mean much to him now, which is understandable.

You say “us” but he is still spending time with his children. In what way is he treating them as though they mean nothing?

Well he’s not walked away from your children if he’s taking care of them when he has them.
Sadly, for you at least, he has ended his time with you.
That relationship had meaning but it’s time for you not to move on but find a new path.
You deserve better than to waste your one precious life on the what if’s.
The only way to do that is to create new memories - with your children, family, friends.

I think it’s about perception.
He hasn’t moved on in a healthy way. He has jumped ship. You could literally bet your house on 2/3 years he will have issues.
While you feel broken, you are not broken. You are hurt and grieving.
If you have the funds treat yourself to Rosie Green’s book (I think it’s called ‘How To Heal
A Broken Heart’) it’s fantastic.
She used to write a magazine column about her perfect family life. It was warm and funny. She had been with her DH since Uni. Kids. All going well.
Then one day her husband, with no prior warning, walked into their home, packed a bag and left.
She had no idea what was going on or what had been wrong.
I can remember her writing about how it affected her - she couldn’t eat or sleep and to say he was unkind is an understatement.
She has documented her journey since and it’s a great read. She’s on Instagram and has a website as well.
Eventually, after a few bad dates she did meet her new partner and is so happy but it took a while.
There is life on the other side of all this.

Yeah, he's really not moved on all that much has he?

If he had, he'd be behaving like a grown up.

Why not reframe it to yourself?

He might have checked out of family life but will have convinced himself you wouldn't end it because you wouldn't cope on your own, or because you still loved him, or because you wouldn't want to break up the family, or whatever other nonsense he told himself.

Except you did.

So now he has to show you how much better his life is and accuse you of still being in love with him because that's how he makes himself feel better.

If he were a decent person who had actually moved on, he'd pay the maintenance on time and apologise when he didn't. Not this nonsense.

Yes but he has come out on top hasn’t he as I’m still really struggling. I wish I would have done the same!

As hard as it feels right now, you have to care less about what he is doing and more about taking care of yourself.

What he is doing doesn't matter. There is no need for comparison.

Eventually, that will come but you have to actively stop thinking about him, what he is doing and his choices.

You will be ok x

I have never been through what you have OP.
Have been around a few friends who have and I think at your stage in life it takes a good couple of years.