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AIBU?

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Hate MIL

57 replies

Bitesize89 · 14/04/2025 10:41

What the title says. I initially really liked her but the more I get to know her I just think she's an awful person tbh. She constantly talks about people's weight and how they need to lose weight. Recently we found out her daughter is expecting and she made a comment about how well she was doing losing weight but that she's disappointed that she's regained weight with morning sickness she could only stomach carbs. I can't believe she would talk about her own daughter who is pregnant like that. She looks like a twig and constantly boasts that she has such great self control and that more people should have as well so they wouldn't be fat. She hates all animals, even dogs and cats and took her to the park with my daughter the other day and she said under her breath really loudly what a horrible dog to someone just walking their dog. I was so embarrassed as this is in my community and I personally love cats and dogs. She constantly tells me they are nasty creatures. Shw comes over for a whole weekend and will play with my daughter so I look like th bad guy when I need to discipline her which is somewhat natural but what does my head in is how lazy she is. Her husband and my husband will be working on dIY and she will come and sit down all weekend and not lift a finger, she never offers to make a cup of tea or clean anything. I work full tim and will cook for the entire family and clean after every meal and she won't even offer to help. My husband already knows and agrees with me but he doesn't like confrontation. I feel like she should help out a little more, at least put her plate in the dishwasher after her meals or offer to help make sandwiches? Am I being unreasonable for thinking she should behave a bit better?

OP posts:
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Cuppa2sugars · 15/04/2025 16:58

i like the getting an overweight dog idea willandra 😂

seriously though i think your hubby should do stuff with you both at weekends … if it’s difficult to stop the in-laws coming then reduce the visits.

BeaAndBen · 15/04/2025 16:19

So you are using your FIL for free DIY labour and object to his wife coming with him.
Sorry, OP, if you want the free help you have to cope with the pair of them being there for the weekend.

Go out for a few hours if it’s getting on your nerves.

Elsvieta · 15/04/2025 16:12

Well for starters tell DH that whenever she's around, he's in charge of cooking and cleaning up and generally waiting on her. Why haven't you? He might be a bit quicker to fob her off now and then, as soon as it makes more work for him instead of you.

Take DD out, ideally to somewhere with animals.

Tell MIL that a person's body is not their morals and you don't want DD to think it is, and that sort of talk has to stop - no exceptions, no excuses.

Think about getting a pet, if it would suit your household.

Go out to see a friend or get some alone time, and leave DH to take care of DD and his DM. Again, he might be less keen on having her round when the burden falls on him.

Livingbytheocean · 15/04/2025 11:49

It’s ridiculous she is staying over night when they live an hour away! The free labour is not worth losing every weekend in three/ four.

I would put a stop to it. The DIY jobs could and most probably will go on indefinitely as your dh has chosen to do this for his mother, not for your family or house.

Wtafdidido · 14/04/2025 14:19

Stop cooking and pandering for them. Order pizza or something she’s not overly keen on for tea and say feel free to help your self to tea and make sandwiches at lunchtime. Send your husband and daughter there for the odd weekend and stay home and chillax on your own. Be vigilant for your nil’s comments about weight and appearance as your daughter gets older and as soon as you here her make any related comment shoot her down hard and tell her if she Evers passes comment on your daughters weight or appearance you will stop contact. Your daughter will not need such negativity in her life.

redphonecase · 14/04/2025 14:18

Bitesize89 · 14/04/2025 14:07

He tries to help but he is out busy doing DIY

Are you hugely strapped for cash? if not, just pay someone to do the DIY

Naunet · 14/04/2025 14:16

Bitesize89 · 14/04/2025 14:07

He tries to help but he is out busy doing DIY

Bollocks, there is zero reason why he can't spend 20 minutes cleaning up the kitchen after you've cooked for his family.

ClaredeBear · 14/04/2025 14:12

Would you consider getting a dog?

Bitesize89 · 14/04/2025 14:08

Well it's her fault if her kids are lazy, she is lazy herself and I strongly believe she is the reason both her kids are damn lazy

OP posts:
Bitesize89 · 14/04/2025 14:07

He tries to help but he is out busy doing DIY

OP posts:
GeorgianaM · 14/04/2025 14:01

Why can't you tell her to put her plate in the sink etc?

Why don't you call her out about the dog so that she would have to repeat it louder in front of the dog owner?

The only way to get these types of people to realise they're being idiots is to call them out every single time!

Bitesize89 · 14/04/2025 14:01

Thanks for the good advice, most of the DIY should be done next weekend but after that will be firm with him about not wanting her around as much. They do tend to be over bearing I find. they just invite themselves over and don't think much of it for a whole weekend when they live an hour away. I think k they stay over because mil hates traffic and gets scared of driving back late. Husband says he feels bad telling them they can't stay over when his dad does loads to help out. I think I am going to start requesting they don't stay over politely. They are imposing.

OP posts:
PluckyBamboo · 14/04/2025 14:01

Is the Gransnet version something along the lines of:-

My weekends are being taking up by my lazy son who can't do any DIY without my husband helping him, I end up sitting in my sons house having to entertain my Grand Daughter while son is out doing his DIY and DIL is always rolling her eyes at me and even grudges making me a cup of tea..... I would much prefer to be doing my own thing at weekends but DH insists on helping.

OP - take your daughter out and get a dog.

CarrotVan · 14/04/2025 13:53

My MIL (who lives with us) no longer gossips or makes comments about people’s weight after I did actually use the MN classic of ‘did you mean to be so rude?’ and told her firmly that it was unacceptable. I also got up and walked out every time she started gossiping.

SallyWD · 14/04/2025 13:31

Those things are irritating but not awful, in my opinion. My MIL is Indian and makes comments on people's weight. It's her main interest in life! Doesn't bother me. We just laugh at her (gently).

Naunet · 14/04/2025 13:27

It's your husbands job to host hss family, why is he leaving all cooking AND cleaning up, to you?

thepariscrimefiles · 14/04/2025 13:16

Bitesize89 · 14/04/2025 11:01

I agree but I have a two year old daughter to look after and husband is doing DIY with his dad she always comes along to see DD but yes they will stay for ages like a whole weekend or long weekend. What should I do? Feels horrible to leave her alone with my daughter and I would like some time with my daughter so never know what to do.

Go out with your daughter and leave her with your DH and FIL. She sounds like the very opposite of fun to be with.

Can you arrange to visit your family on the weekends that she visits?

Loubylie · 14/04/2025 13:11
  1. Ask her never to mention anyone's weight or body shape in front of your daughter. Be polite but very firm about this. Mention the risks of eating disorders. Repeat and remind as necessary.
  2. Ask her not to comment loudly about people in the area. This is your community and your daughter will be at school with these people.

Make plans to go out when she's staying.

Not much else you can do.

FeistyFrankie · 14/04/2025 13:02

Sounds like granny can babysit while you pop out to run some emergency "errands" (spa day, anyone..?)

GabriellaMontez · 14/04/2025 12:47

Are the jobs your fil is going genuine, valuable jobs? Or is your dh tinkering in a man cave with his dad ? while you run round after everyone

Is there an option of getting someone in to do these jobs so you have more family time?

What do you say when your mil comments on her daughter?

Meadowfinch · 14/04/2025 12:41

She sounds tactless and annoying but hardly HATE territory.

Plenty of people don't like dogs and cats. And If she has no DIY skills, staying out of it is probably sensible. I'd be grateful she is willing to just sit and not interfere in anything.

As far as your DD is concerned, I'd arrange your activities as normal - go to the park or out for an ice cream and MIL can tag along. If she doesn't like it, she can stay and watch the DIY.

Magicpaintbrush · 14/04/2025 12:30

Agree with pp - get a dog! She won't want to come around as much then. She sounds vile btw.

Eggsboxedandmelting · 14/04/2025 12:05

Grab your coat and dd's.. And off you pop out...

eatreadsleeprepeat · 14/04/2025 12:05

I feel your pain.
Focus on positives, free labour from FIL, on the things you can change and maybe reframe how she is.
She might find self control over food easy if she has a small appetite, does not enjoy food, has digestive issues or be OCD. She may be frightened of dogs. My MIL thought that passing on the message that dogs were to be feared, your house needed to be locked up like Fort Knox and swimming was dangerous was a way of protecting her children then her grandchildren. It took me a lot of discussions with her to not have it happen.
My priority would be asking her to not make any body shaming or fat shaming comments in front of your daughter.
And I love the suggestion of getting a dog!

RunningJo · 14/04/2025 11:57

Bitesize89 · 14/04/2025 11:01

I agree but I have a two year old daughter to look after and husband is doing DIY with his dad she always comes along to see DD but yes they will stay for ages like a whole weekend or long weekend. What should I do? Feels horrible to leave her alone with my daughter and I would like some time with my daughter so never know what to do.

Don't be available. When she says she is coming down with FIL, then your DH needs to make her aware that you and DC won't be in. Plan something with friends, or go to the zoo, soft play, anywhere. Or just be available for 1/2 the time she is there. Why are they staying every time they come over?
Good that DH is on your side in terms of your MIL, but he now needs to speak to them. It's ok for him having FIL to help on the DIY, but why should you have to be with someone every weekend you don't want to be with. His mum arriving is not effecting him at all so of course he doesn't want confrontation because he doesn't need to.
How long is this DIY likely to last? You just have to put boundaries in place as to when they can come and for how long