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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a stroppy princess?

281 replies

Namechangeprofessional · 14/04/2025 08:39

I’m very happy to be told IABU…

I went through a divorce 4 years ago. Following divorce, I sold my large 5bed family home (very sad) downsized and bought a small new build on my own (with my children). It’s lovely, just on the small side.

Since then, I have climbed the career ladder and I earn very very well. I can afford the mortgage easily now and things are comfortable.

My partner (of 3 years) moved in with me, 18 months ago to my house and sold his. He pays a good contribution towards bills etc (I have no complaints on this, he’s very lovely, generous, buys food etc)

We are all blissfully living happily together. However I do feel a bit squashed in here and have the desire to move in 2-3 years, pool our finances and buy something together. (He also has a son, so there are 5 of us living together in this small new build house)

It’s a nice house, but it feels very busy and gets messy quickly with 3 children.

Partner has no desire to move house. But I feel disappointed that 5 years ago I was living in a very comfortable 5 bedroom with lots of space and garden and now I feel so squashed into a 3 bed new build.

We could get a joined mortgage and easily afford something bigger. But he says he doesn’t want to move again and it’s comfortable here.
I feel like I am being a bit of a princess… This house size wise was fine with myself and two kids. But now there are 5 of us… it fees claustrophobic.

AIBU to say that we need to consider moving. Not urgently, but in the next couple of years at least?

Am I being a stroppy princess?
Perhaps he just doesn’t see a future with me so doesn’t want to tie himself in? (I don’t think this is the case…)

OP posts:
sandyhappypeople · 14/04/2025 11:53

You're not wrong for wanting what you want OP, he is wrong for digging in his heels and wanting to stay.. it is not his house to make decisions like that, he gets no say in where you live while all the house responsibility is yours.

If he only 'contributes' towards the bills and food, while sitting on a pile of cash with a good earning job then he is being very unreasonable to want to make you stay somewhere that isn't suited to your needs.

If you are both in a serious committed relationship and you see it as a long term commitment then there is absolutely no reason not to pool your resources to get somewhere suitable for everyone longer term.. if he doesn't want that then it says a lot about his commitment to you (or lack of) IMO.

At the minute he's got it great, nice house to live in, someone to share the chores (or do them? for him and his son), with someone who will pay the majority of the bills, and he can leave anytime he wants with his money and well paying job and start again.

notacooldad · 14/04/2025 11:52

How is you solely funding a bigger house just to allow for him and his son a good idea??
This is a great point.
You ha e a perfect house for you and your kids.
It sounds like you have worked bloody hard and done well for yourself and got a nice house.
So you need a bigger one for this chap and his kid? This will mean you paying more money even if contributes.
Absolute madness!

Nominative · 14/04/2025 11:49

Namechangeprofessional · 14/04/2025 09:04

He pays a good and fair contribution. Thats not the issue at all.

But you are right. Maybe I should consider upsizing and purchasing larger something myself. I just would prefer if it could be a joint purchase and something we both want and love and see our future in together (and also that would also afford us more borrowing power for a better/larger property if both of us are on the mortgage)

Show quote history

Does he pay anything that reflects what he would be paying in rent or mortgage contributions if he had not moved in with you?

Codlingmoths · 14/04/2025 11:48

Namechangeprofessional · 14/04/2025 10:16

He honestly isn’t a “cocklodger” or “freeloader”. He’s a very good man.

I understand it’s a fairly new (3 year) relationship and as I very well know, people can deceive you and turn nasty (hello ex husband). I am not naive.

But I am looking to my mid term future plans over the next 5 years. And although it’s been ok, I feel like why should we be all hemmed in here when I work very hard and earn well.

I will look into the possibility of buying something larger myself, yes. I think this is a good suggestion. If he isn’t keep to get Involved then maybe that will highlight his long term priorities and it will be an eye opener. However I don’t see this being an issue.

(Not particularly relevant but he does have a relative high paying job too…)

You have a house that is enough for you and your dc. His moving in means it isn’t. How is you solely funding a bigger house just to allow for him and his son a good idea??

housethatbuiltme · 14/04/2025 11:47

Doesn't matter what he wants he is just a cocklodger in YOUR home. Buy whatever house you want (if he won't pay and the next house doesn't have room for him... too bad so sad, he will just have to find his own place)

Of course he doesn't want to actually pay when he has it made for free.

notacooldad · 14/04/2025 11:42

This house size wise was fine with myself and two kids. But now there are 5 of us… it fees claustrophobic.
So, he moves out and you are comfortable in your house again.

But we are happy in our relationship. So we don’t want to separate…(?)

You don't have to separate.
I know quite a few people on long tern relationships that live in separate houses. Two couples I know separated to their own homes after living together and it really helped their relationships.

I think you will feel resentment as time goes on with you all shoe horned into the house when it was a good fit before he moved in.
I'm sure you said in replies but I haven't read everyone, you have legally protected your house from him having a claim things go wrong.

Isobel201 · 14/04/2025 11:39

could you afford to extend the house instead, if there is outside space?

MattCauthon · 14/04/2025 11:38

The thing is that you say he's contributing fairly, but it seems obvious that he's got a sweet deal. So he doesn't want to pay more.

Frankly, you wanting a house that is actually fit for purpose is perfectly reasonable. and it's concerning that he doesn't feel the same.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 14/04/2025 11:38

His son being in a tiny box room, is he just there part time and lives with his mum the rest of the time?

Mumsnet can be brutal as I'm sure you know OP and if your relationship is going well then living together is only a natural step. But be savvy and protect your hard earned assets, that's all.

mewkins · 14/04/2025 11:30

So is he just paying a proportion of the bills while you pay all the mortgage (if you have one) ?

Hastentoadd · 14/04/2025 11:30

Queeneel · 14/04/2025 08:45

Partner has no desire to move house

he’s completely responsibility free in your home.

That money he got from selling his property… where is it?

That money he got from selling his property… where is it

I was going to ask that aswell, I presume he is investing it somewhere else?

Also could he have a claim on your house if you broke up?

pikkumyy77 · 14/04/2025 11:23

Namechangeprofessional · 14/04/2025 09:01

Perhaps it is the financial burden of homeownership that he doesn’t want. That’s a good way to put it.

Please don’t get me wrong. We have a very good relationship and I am not bitter in anyway.

Just a little frustrated that he doesn’t seem to have the same aspirations as me in terms of housing.

Like I mentioned before, I wouldn’t be wanting to move imminently. But if we are to stay together for the rest of our lives… I want to do it in a more comfortable space…

Why are you so quick to excuse him, praise him, and deprecate yourself? Who accuses you of being a stroppy princess because you would like to raise your living standard and have a bigger house?

Is it the bf who covertly puts you down? Does he play the part of the generous but unmaterialistic type while benefitting from your hard work and avoiding responsibility?

You are bearing all the risk of home ownership (though you also keep the rewards of the asset if it appreciates) and he is just kipping with you and investing his money elsewhere.

This is highly problematic for you and your children as there is not enough space and the space situation will only get worse over time.

If he were serious about a future you both would be planning marriage and a bigger home. You are missing “right now” for him not “miss right” so he doesn’t think like this.

stampin · 14/04/2025 11:19

All the children have their own rooms, hardly deprived. Having to share a bathroom, a fairly usual set up, we don't even know their ages or if the son lives there full time.

I think you need to give it a bit longer OP.

Crunchymum · 14/04/2025 11:19

(I’d be surprised he would sell his house and move his son in though if he didn’t see it being a long term thing)

I'm not all surprised as this is a very sweet deal. A home, a wife figure, and the safety net of the proceeds of his house sale if it all goes to shit.

The surprise should be him not wanting to buy with you as that's the real long term commitment.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 14/04/2025 11:19

Can you afford to upside on your salary alone? If so do it. He wants to carry on as he is, you don't. You do what suits you.

Liondoesntsleepatnight · 14/04/2025 11:15

In your shoes I would continue the thought/plan to get something bigger. Enjoy the next couple of years and then have another conversation about buying bigger. Interest rates hopefully will improve.

What happened with his property from before you got together?

fuzzybrains · 14/04/2025 11:13

Namechangeprofessional · 14/04/2025 11:07

There has been some really helpful advice (and some wanky presumptive comments 😂 )

I think the thread has been derailed a little.

It’s been really helpful though, so thank you all for your replies. Some have been brilliant.

so what's your plan now?

MummytoE · 14/04/2025 11:13

Namechangeprofessional · 14/04/2025 11:07

There has been some really helpful advice (and some wanky presumptive comments 😂 )

I think the thread has been derailed a little.

It’s been really helpful though, so thank you all for your replies. Some have been brilliant.

Ignore the mean comments, some people are weird and like to create drama where there isn't any. What age are you daughter's, once they hit tweens/ teens they will likely want their own space.... And that may well benefit everyone's sanity . Is his son there all the time or an eow situation?

ConstanceM · 14/04/2025 11:12

Queeneel · 14/04/2025 08:45

Partner has no desire to move house

he’s completely responsibility free in your home.

That money he got from selling his property… where is it?

He's actually more vulnerable as he and his son can be turfed out anytime. With house buying inflation his pot of money won't get him as much as he thinks now if he was to leave. He's as trapped as she is. Both should pool resources and move on together.

NeedsMustNet · 14/04/2025 11:07

Neither of you is being unreasonable. But if it is an issue for you and because you are so happy in other ways, I’d suggest you sign up for counselling to go through this all. Don’t sweep it under the carpet or set ultimatums.
He may be scarred by his divorce - in a different way to you - and not have figured out why / what. But if you sideline this difference it will carry to eat away.

Original poster
Namechangeprofessional · 14/04/2025 11:07

There has been some really helpful advice (and some wanky presumptive comments 😂 )

I think the thread has been derailed a little.

It’s been really helpful though, so thank you all for your replies. Some have been brilliant.

OP posts:
fuzzybrains · 14/04/2025 11:06

100percenthagitude · 14/04/2025 11:05

So he gets a bigger home with none of the effort and the input?

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No. Read the post. He'd have to start paying rent.

100percenthagitude · 14/04/2025 11:05

Crazybaby123 · 14/04/2025 10:57

Men don't really care where they live, as long as its clean tidy and comfortable. Thry will just go along with what the women want. Tell him you are moving of your own accord becuase you want a bigger house, he can come on the mortgage, or not, but if he chooses not to then you will be charging rent to him amd his child as you do not like the living arrangements if the smaller house. Otherwise he is free to move out and find a place to rent.

So he gets a bigger home with none of the effort and the input?

fuzzybrains · 14/04/2025 11:05

It's one of two things-

He's not 'into' houses and genuinely can't see why the current one isn't enough. Different aspirations.

He's not sure about the relationship and doesn't want to commit to buying together because it would mean selling up/buying out if they split up. And meanwhile the equity from his house sale is doing nicely.

MiserableMrsMopp · 14/04/2025 11:03

Namechangean · 14/04/2025 10:40

Because she can’t win can she: he pays for half the bills and food, he’s a cocklodger. He pays for half the bills, food and mortgage then she’s putting herself at risk of him having a interest in the house if they break up. No matter what their senario is people will be down her throat telling her she’s stupid

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I don't think anyone is telling her she's stupid. It's concern that she's being taken advantage of. There is a reason it's called the feminisation of poverty, and it's because men inevitably have a negative financial effect on us!