Am I being a stroppy princess?

But how are you doing best for your kids?

they have been through a divorce, restart homes, have become comfortable and now have to squeeze and forced to accept a man and his kid in their space. I can’t see how this benefits them in any way, except for you?

why upsize homes if you really don’t need to? I would rather save and invest for my kids than a man.

I have no useful advice but I just want to say I don’t think you’re a princess at all, I’m in the same situation with my partner - I want to move, he’s happy where we are.

I have a couple years to think if I’m willing to compromise on this. We live in a very good area, fair enough, but just… boring.

Disgusting, unnecessary comment

I wouldn’t be buying a bigger house with only myself on the mortgage and letting him have the same arrangement he has now. I think you need to have a frank conversation about your future, if he envisages it as long term then he needs to commit to you financially, otherwise he is just taking the piss.

We prioritised financial stability and a small as possible mortgage over a big house, but I do know what you mean about feeling cramped in a small house.

I also desperately want to move in a couple of years (but different area rather than for house size) and husband isn't bothered and it frustrates me SO much!

I agree that he's enjoying being free of commitments and responsibilities.

By him moving in and selling his house he has NOT made a commitment, and it seems that he isn't keen o changing that. As long as you're ok with that...

Yeah yeah bla bla bla. It’s only on Mumsnet that people are utterly incapable of accepting that blended families are not always terrible and torture for the children. Nobody seems to say a peep about the many many women who choose to have kids with abusive and feckless wankers and subject those children to an awful childhood and often adulthood and is far more damaging than having (what in this case sounds like) another supportive adult in the child’s life who cares for them. My mums choice of father for me caused long term issues for me and she knew from the beginning that he would be a shit dad. Her choice of stepfather really didn’t and he was a good guy, much much better than my dad (they’ve split now but I’m still in touch with him).

If you’re going to stay together for the rest of your lives I would be expecting him to share the load of the finances too. It feels a little bit as though he doesn’t want to fully commit to your relationship.

Five people in a 3 bed house is quite tricky, and as the children grow will only get trickier, I’d probably want to move too.

you don’t need a bigger house for yourself and your kids
the house you have is perfect for you and your children

tell your DP your not happy and he needs to move out and find somewhere else to live as he’s not bothered about the space but you are and you and your kids don’t actually need more space

you only need it cos of your DP

I say this kindly and ( I hope ) respectfully @Namechangeprofessional

I undertand you are frustrated with the situation , but you write as if these things have just happened and you had no choice or agency.

You are “ all hemmed in” because you asked him to move in with you. You knew how many people were involved, it’s not as if a surprise baby has arrived or his ex wife died and now he has the kids full time. You chose this.

You could have rented even bought somewhere bigger together but you didn’t.

You could now ask him to move out ( but still keep dating ) but you don’t want to.

You say he doesn’t have the same aspirations as you in terms of housing. But you want a bigger house that you pay for and he already has a smaller house that’s free. So it could be argued that he is a great deal smarter and more aspirational than you.

You care about the mess and over crowding and he doesn’t . That suggests to me that you do more housework than he does, as the one who cares more always does more. So yet again, this is your choice.

You do actually have lots of choices here . You are obviously smart and hardworking, with a good job ( and I hope a good pension ). I sincerely hope you were smart enough to sign a cohabitation agreement before you moved him into your house.

But what you can’t do is change your partner into someone he is not.

You want ties and commitment and he doesn’t . He wants to be free to leave anytime.

You want to make a shared medium term plan and he doesn’t. He wants to continue with his own plan.

You want equality of finances and effort and he doesn’t. He wants you to pay the mortgage and worry about roof repairs, while he has his lump sum invested.

Im sure he is delightful and charming and you have fun together. But you want different things, so you need to accept this or leave . Trying to change him and get him to do what you want isn’t going to work - I think you are old enough and smart enough to know this.

Im sorry, Im sure this isn’t how you wanted it to work out.

What the heck. You moved him and his child in to your family’s home very quickly and now he’s calling the shots about your future. Madness. You sound smart and level headed but I can’t believe you think you’re being a princess! He’s being unreasonable about this.

My friend did this. For decades. It was heartbreaking to watch. Not only did the man have no incentive to move, but he also had no incentive to work because he was living rent free.

Ni, I said he should work out a suitable rental contribution. Prefarbly with a formal agreement.

It sounds like you need to have an honest conversation about the reason why he doesn’t want to buy a bigger house with you. It could be for a number of reasons, some you might be in with, some
others maybe not. Better to know now rather than later.

You didn’t give details about how/to what proportion he contributes financially to the household. If it’s c.40% of the total, then that’s probably fair since you say he also earns a good wage. The 40% is based on the fact that there are 3 of you and 2 of him. If it’s less, you might need to reconsider the split. That wouldn’t make him a “bad man”,
or mean he’s taking advantage of
you, not necessarily. You just need to make sure you’re protecting your future finances.

He is quite comfortable with the current arrangements. Tell him to leave your house if you're not happy.

I don't think it is a good idea to buy a larger house just to fit him and his son in more comfortably.

The problem is that he has no motivation to move. I would make it clear to him that situation as it is no longer works for me, and so he can choose to either move out so that I get the space back, or buy a larger house together.

Then either way, you have more room. As others have said, him moving out doesn't mean the relationship has to end, and you'll feel a lot better with more space.

Buying together will increase his security too - if he genuinely is paying a fair amount, then he is losing out, because ultimately he's paying into your bricks and mortar when he could be building equity in his own place or a joint place. So I do wonder why he is so happy with the status quo.

Boundaries would be telling him that it is fine if he doesn't wish to buy but the present rent free situation where you and your children are squished in YOUR tiny home no longer works and he needs to find a house for him and his son.

He has saved thousands not paying rent, he surely can afford it.

I doubt it though.
OP will likely buy a bigger house for him and his son to have more space, living rent free.

Your poor daughters.

@OhCalmTheFuckDownMargaret
Piss off with your own judgemental attitude.
Sick of reading threads where children are very much placed in a worse position than they should be because the adults in their lives put themselves first and force children to live with other people and being given no choice.

It's sub optimal but how about renting a big place together while letting out your house.

That way you get a big house with the downsides of a joint mortgage.

(At the expense of dead money on rent but that's a bigger problem for him than you.)

@NamechangeprofessionalI’ve had a look through the thread but can’t see if you’ve mentioned the ages of the children at all? I guess the difference between all kids being 10 and under (for example) and so still many years before any leave home, and the children being teens, so possibility of leaving home sooner, may also be a factor in this? If the latter then as they leave you’ll have more space again, but if the former and you’ll be living like this for maybe next ten years, this may also factor?

Not sure if it’s been mentioned, but could it be that his credit rating is not good and he doesn’t want you to know? Maybe he’s worried he wouldn’t be able to get a mortgage?

I suppose that depends if you actually know what you’re talking about because you’ve done it, or if you’re just being judgemental because you saw something in OK! Magazine the other day.

He's made it very clear that he doesn't want to get a joint mortgage with you. It's off the cards so you need to decide what your going to do now?

Him not wishing to join finances is fine IMO.
The issue is that you have chosen his comfort over that of your children.

You could rent out your home and rent a larger home together where he actually pays for accommodation.

Having your children squished into a tiny home to accommodate a man who is clearly suiting himself, is not a good look.

YOU should want more for your children than this.

The fact that you think it is ok for a well paid man to only pay for bills and food means you are 100% being used.

He has banked thousands not paying rent.
Women determined to put a man first always refuse to see this reality.

You went from an abusive relationship into one where you are being used.

Your children surely have been through enough.
You should have taken time to heal and grow not rush into a relationship with a man who clearly saw you were desperate with poor boundaries.

Boundaries would have meant you wouldn't have dreamt of having your daughters who lost their spacious home being squished even more by two strange males now moving in.

Your priorities are all wrong.
They should be your daughters, not some man suiting himself.

He’s just another child for you to look after.

I agree with @Humpsr rent your house out and rent a bigger one. He just wants everything his own way.