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Original poster

To think my DH shouldn’t have said this about our baby?

42 replies

FirstTimeMum225 · 13/04/2025 20:46

I gave birth a couple of months ago and we’ve only just started taking our baby out regularly over the past couple of weeks. We were in a cafe at a country park earlier with some friends and I had to get up and take DS for a nappy change. A friend made a jokey comment about how they don’t miss those days, to which DH casually said - ‘he has inherited his mums arse unfortunately’.

I was mortified - I have IBS so it was obviously a reference to this and a cheap laugh at my expense.

I’ve told DH I am pissed off with him and he has apologised but I can’t get it out of my head and feel humiliated. He says I should accept his apology and that I shouldn’t take my hormones out on him.

OP posts:
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DrummingMousWife · 14/04/2025 18:28

next time say “my arse, but dads penis - yeah! It really is that small! “

but then I am quite childish.

Cornishclio · 14/04/2025 18:25

It beats me why some men find putting their partners down either by humiliating or embarrassing them is funny. My husband has a tendency to open his mouth before engaging his brain and making a comment he thinks is witty but is actually quite hurtful. I call him out on it each time. Maybe your husband is the same and it infuriates me when they say you can’t take a joke. A joke doesn’t involve embarrassing anyone else. That’s just nasty.

comoatoupeira · 14/04/2025 17:11

mathanxiety · 14/04/2025 01:16

No, the difference is in the impact.

People who demand to be judged by their intentions and not the impact of their words or behaviour are narcissists.

Show quote history

Interesting. Tell me more?

caringcarer · 14/04/2025 02:01

Endofyear · 13/04/2025 21:31

I'm guessing he was trying to be funny and he missed the mark. He probably wasn't thinking about the IBS and wasn't trying to embarrass you - unless he is normally cruel and likes to put you down?

When you explained how hurtful and embarrassed you found his stupid joke, he should have been extremely sorry that he's upset you and apologised. He shouldn't have tried to minimise your feelings.

A sincere apology would have been good instead he tried to blame your hormones. I wouldn't be happy but unless he does it often I'd let it go this time.

mathanxiety · 14/04/2025 01:16

comoatoupeira · 13/04/2025 21:30

Yeah, but it wasn't an insult. It was a joke. The difference is in the intention.

No, the difference is in the impact.

People who demand to be judged by their intentions and not the impact of their words or behaviour are narcissists.

Ughn0tryte · 13/04/2025 23:03

What a degrading way to speak about both the mother of your child and your infant.

Hastentoadd · 13/04/2025 22:35

FirstTimeMum225 · 13/04/2025 20:46

I gave birth a couple of months ago and we’ve only just started taking our baby out regularly over the past couple of weeks. We were in a cafe at a country park earlier with some friends and I had to get up and take DS for a nappy change. A friend made a jokey comment about how they don’t miss those days, to which DH casually said - ‘he has inherited his mums arse unfortunately’.

I was mortified - I have IBS so it was obviously a reference to this and a cheap laugh at my expense.

I’ve told DH I am pissed off with him and he has apologised but I can’t get it out of my head and feel humiliated. He says I should accept his apology and that I shouldn’t take my hormones out on him.

He sounds horrible, of course he shouldn’t have said that, he also shouldn’t have then blamed your attitude towards his comment on your hormones, you had a valid reason for being upset….he is gaslighting you

afig · 13/04/2025 22:33

He should be ashamed. Not only was the comment unkind to you, but it's an awkward attempt at a joke that was likely to embarrass everyone present. As for blaming hormones, that's ridiculous and insulting. Pretty sure I'd have a problem with that regardless of the state of my hormones.

Lorlorlorikeet · 13/04/2025 22:33

GCAcademic · 13/04/2025 21:10

The worst bit about this is his blaming your hormones, rather than his stupid behaviour, for your upset.

Yep. Awful, awful man.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 13/04/2025 22:26

"He says I should accept his apology and that I shouldn’t take my hormones out on him."

What a cunt.

Shitmonger · 13/04/2025 22:25

comoatoupeira · 13/04/2025 21:13

I think on the plus side he is quite witty, even though it was a f-ing stupid thing to say and definitely disrespectful.
Also on the plus side as PP have said he clearly doesn't have a problem with it and is not embarrassed about it on either of your behalves which is a good thing.
Definitely deserved an apology but I too would move on.

Was the witty part the joke about diarrhoea or…?

Hercisback1 · 13/04/2025 22:04

2025willbemytime · 13/04/2025 21:43

So what was he on about then! How has the baby inherited mums arse?

Show quote history

It's the sort of thing that can be said about anyone. My dad made the same joke to me when I had my first child. I don't have IBS.

I too think the hormone comment is worse.

Screamingabdabz · 13/04/2025 21:56

comoatoupeira · 13/04/2025 21:13

I think on the plus side he is quite witty, even though it was a f-ing stupid thing to say and definitely disrespectful.
Also on the plus side as PP have said he clearly doesn't have a problem with it and is not embarrassed about it on either of your behalves which is a good thing.
Definitely deserved an apology but I too would move on.

Wow. I don’t know what your definition of ‘witty’ is but if you mean taking a cheap shot at your partner’s expense then you’re wrong.

nessiesnotreal · 13/04/2025 21:56

This honestly wouldn't bother me in the slightest and I also have IBS. It was a joke and I would have took it as such but then that is my sense of humour. The hormones comment would have pissed me off more but again, not enough to worry me too much or be too bothered about it.

He has apologised so you can either let this linger on, address it further and tell him why he pissed you off and upset you and talk it out, or you just accept his apology and put it behind you.

TY78910 · 13/04/2025 21:55

Hercisback1 · 13/04/2025 21:13

I think your IBS is perhaps making you overthink his remark. He may not have even linked it to your IBS in his head. Then realised after when you spoke to him.

I'd try to accept his apology and move on. Ruminating on it won't help anyone.

I think so too, and do those friends know you have IBS? If not, then it’s not as horrifying joke as it looks like on the surface. The hormones comment though was ignorant and quite sexist - that would wind me up more.

2025willbemytime · 13/04/2025 21:43

Hercisback1 · 13/04/2025 21:13

I think your IBS is perhaps making you overthink his remark. He may not have even linked it to your IBS in his head. Then realised after when you spoke to him.

I'd try to accept his apology and move on. Ruminating on it won't help anyone.

So what was he on about then! How has the baby inherited mums arse?

pizzaHeart · 13/04/2025 21:39

BillyBoe46 · 13/04/2025 21:15

What a prick. He made a joke at your expense. A joke which was fucking humiliating. How dear he blame your hormones.

This^
I would be really furious that continued his behaviour by this hormone remarks.
He clearly hasn’t understood how unpleasant it was for you. I was really upset recently when DH said in a jokey way about something I couldn’t do because of my health issue. I know it’s not a deliberate remark but more like not thoughtful but still these things are very painful especially from your partner from whom you expect love and support.
Not sure I would be able to move on straight away in your place.

autisticbookworm · 13/04/2025 21:37

It wouldn’t really bother me but if I had a condition like ibs I think it would as it’s a personal insult. Also the hormones comment is really insulting, I hate it when men try to silence women like that.

WhereIsMyLight · 13/04/2025 21:36

comoatoupeira · 13/04/2025 21:30

Yeah, but it wasn't an insult. It was a joke. The difference is in the intention.

No, the difference is in how it lands. If the person on the receiving end of the “joke” laughs, it’s a joke. Otherwise it’s hurtful.

DH and I have a lot of jokes between us. If he’d said something like that I’d have probably responded with something about his cooking. However, I don’t have IBS. It’s OK for OP to be sensitive about her medical condition and not have her husband make fun of it.

Both DH and I have had jokes that have landed wrong. When that happens, you say “I’m sorry, I said something stupid”. You don’t blame the other person for the joke not landing.

comoatoupeira · 13/04/2025 21:36

Endofyear · 13/04/2025 21:31

I'm guessing he was trying to be funny and he missed the mark. He probably wasn't thinking about the IBS and wasn't trying to embarrass you - unless he is normally cruel and likes to put you down?

When you explained how hurtful and embarrassed you found his stupid joke, he should have been extremely sorry that he's upset you and apologised. He shouldn't have tried to minimise your feelings.

This is what I would have written if I had been more eloquent :-)
Totally agree.

Endofyear · 13/04/2025 21:31

I'm guessing he was trying to be funny and he missed the mark. He probably wasn't thinking about the IBS and wasn't trying to embarrass you - unless he is normally cruel and likes to put you down?

When you explained how hurtful and embarrassed you found his stupid joke, he should have been extremely sorry that he's upset you and apologised. He shouldn't have tried to minimise your feelings.

comoatoupeira · 13/04/2025 21:30

Yeah, but it wasn't an insult. It was a joke. The difference is in the intention.

YesHonestly · 13/04/2025 21:28

Is he always such a twat?

thepariscrimefiles · 13/04/2025 21:27

comoatoupeira · 13/04/2025 21:21

Just offering a different perspective. I think having a partner who can make jokes is an underrated quality for life. This time he just got it really wrong. Made it worse by not taking responsibility (as PP have pointed out, this is the worst part)

Jokes are supposed to be funny. This really wasn't. Insulting and embarrassing his wife is hardly an underrated quality for life.

WhereIsMyLight · 13/04/2025 21:21

He hasn’t said it about your baby, he’s said it about you. It’s normal for parents to joke about babies doing poonamis because they do. I bought the poonami proof pampers for DC for a wedding and they still managed to trash that outfit with a poonami! One of several memorable outfit trashing poonamis. We have an outfit that is known as the £36 turd because a poonami wrecked the first outfit and we didn’t have a spare and where we were, they only had something that cost us £36!

He’s said something to humiliate you. In front of your friends. It’s hurtful. If he generally isn’t making disparaging comments about you, then he said something stupid, it’s hurt you. He should apologise for saying something stupid and hurtful, not that you are taking it to personally with hormones. “I’m sorry your hormones didn’t find it funny” isn’t an apology. If he genuinely is caring the rest of the time, point out he’s hurt you and should apologise but then don’t dwell on it. You’re both sleep deprived, trying to navigate this new tiny human. Once he’s given you a meaningful apology, it’s forgetting it so you can survive this time.

If he has a habit of making comments like this that hurt you and humiliate you, then that’s a whole different thing. Honestly, he’s not going to get better but you’re sleep deprived so it’s not about making a rash decision. It’s a case of looking back over your previous interactions with him, what he does and seeing if he’s a partner you want. If he isn’t, you need to start ensuring that you are in a position to leave him when you are ready to do so.