I feel like I’m going insane

He's not a good day, he's abusive to you in front of your children and you need to leave as soon as possible.

You know his promises to change are meaningless and self-serving so please try and get out now. The awful things he says and the awful way he behaves in front of your children will damage them. Please get out now.

Hi. I've been in that situation. I got out before DC was 3 and honestly I'm still so proud of myself for doing it while DC was young enough to not really remember.

Your baby could grow up away from this, but you have to act.

Absolutely don't tell him anything you're planning. It's statistically dangerous when women leave, and if he doesn't hurt you he'll go the other way and charm you to the extent you question your decision.

Keep it to yourself. Wait until you have a place to go sorted and just leave one day.

The other option is to move in with a friend or relative temporarily if you can.

I know you've said you rely on him financially. That makes it harder but not impossible. Find out what benefits you are entitled to and how to claim them.

I promise you, living away from him will make you realise just what you've put up with for so long. You can do this. Accept it will be VERY hard for a short while, and then so much better.

Can I suggest this guide is renamed ‘domestic abuse’ rather than violence? Often in these cases, violence hasn’t been a defining factor and terming it as such can make victims question whether what they are experiencing is in fact abuse, if there is no ‘violence’. Within CJS we never refer to it as domestic violence for this reason

What negatives do you think would outweigh the child telling her daddy makes her upset and scared?
What outweighs the children having a mother who is barely functioning, as the father is running her mental health into the ground?
I'm genuinely interested in how you rationalise staying as the better option here.

He could stop. He doesn’t behave like this around anyone else, does he? He chooses to behave this way with you and his dependant children, because he can.

I found the book ‘Why Does He Do That?’ by Lundy Bancroft an eye opening read and you can get a free pdf of it online- I would urge you to read it @helloworld213 maybe while you are getting your important documents and possessions together and storing them somewhere safe. Birth certificates for you and kids, marriage certificate, passports, driving licence, photographs and keepsakes, especially any from your mum. You can’t trust him not to destroy your things out of spite (and by the way, you can’t trust him at all) especially if he knows they’re precious to you.

Good luck.

You need to start making plans for you and your children to leave if he won't. You don't want your kids witnessing you being abused and growing up to think it's normal. If he can abuse you like that, he can certainly do it to them as well.

He’s an amazing dad too but I’ve noticed our toddler has started acting up. She thinks it’s acceptable to tell me to shut up. She hits me and takes her anger out on me. I bought her a book about feelings and one of the questions was “what makes you sad” and she said “when daddy gets angry” and “what makes you scared” and she said “when daddy shouts”.

That is SO far from amazing. Well done on leaving, filling in the housing forms etc. Good luck.

"...... because of all this but he still can’t stop."

He can stop.

He doesn't want to stop.

He's not helpless.

Your dcs are.

Get out of there. And fight like hell to stop him having unsupervised access to them.

He's disgusting.

I’m so pleased you’re able to recognise that you’ve been experiencing domestic abuse and that it’s negatively impacting your children. Now it’s time to make sure you act to protect the kids physically and emotionally, to give them the best possible chance in the future, as research shows that being exposed to domestic abuse as a child makes them more likely to be either a perpetrator or victim of domestic abuse themselves, and to struggle with their mental health etc.
In terms of practical steps I’d go in to see your local housing team to discuss your options, and I’d google your county name and domestic abuse charity to find a local service who can offer face to face support. I wouldn’t tell your partner yet that you’re ending it as domestic abuse often escalates when someone tries to leave. He’s also likely to try and move you in to the honeymoon phase (google domestic abuse cycle) where he makes false promises about how he is going to change, and you’re at risk of him getting in your head.

I have only read your replies, but it's very obvious from the outside that you and your children need to get out of this situation. There's still time for you to make a happy life for them.

I know it must be so daunting, but being exposed to this is damaging for your psyche. You said earlier that he isn't physically violent. It sounds to me like he doesn't need to be. He gets away with bullying you so that's probably satisfying his craving to be nasty.

I really hope you can find a way to dismiss his influence from your life. Speaking to that DV team sounds like a good idea. Believe in yourself and imagine how much happier and confident you will feel in a year when you've conquered this. You can do it! 🌺

Yes, please safeguard those recordings. As well as all your important documents - birth certificates, passports, financial documentation, etc.

And contact Women's Aid for advice on how to leave him.

Also the council's housing office and the police domestic abuse helpline. Women's Aid should be able to guide you.

You will feel better and empowered once you start being proactive.

He may not know your passcode but he could very easily destroy your phone. I sincerely hope you have sent those recordings to someone you trust who lives elsewhere.

It’s not hard to see why your mental health has suffered, @helloworld213. All the therapy in the world won’t cure you of being ill-treated in your own home. Or of watching your children learn, day by day, from the one person other than you who influences them most, that this is how you are to be treated.

"I have told him all along that if we separate I would never stop him seeing the kids they are just as much his children as they are mine."
It's pointless leaving, then handing your children over to be emotionally abused. You heard what he said to your baby. He'll be worse once you've split. You need to document everything. It would be ideal if you could record him. Don't tell him, just go. Don't assume that it won't turn physical once he knows you are serious. It's a dangerous time for a woman and her children.

Emotional abuse is domestic abuse OP. Any charity or department labelled "domestic violence" will help with any kind of domestic abuse.

I know you’ve since retracted it, but I only have to read the words amazing dad on a thread to know the OP needs to leave.

If refuges were still a viable possibility I would be advising you to call their number first thing in the morning (or at least as soon as he had left the house). But they’ve been so decimated …

It’s tricky because you need to be in the best situation to qualify for help from your council. Do not say anything about leaving to your partner That could be very unsafe for you. You would be wise to act without raising suspicion. Can you (in the normal course of the day) remove all important documents - passports, birth certificates, etc and store them with your sisters, or have them collect the documents while he’s out?

More than filling in forms you need to be speaking to people who can help face to face to expedite actually receiving help. And you should probably take someone - a sister perhaps - with you to any meeting, because you’re still in a fog of I love him and I don’t want to ruin his life. Someone needs to advocate for you and your children.

Leave him. He is vile and you can do so much better than this waste of space.

He knows he has a problem but he isn’t doing a thing about it. Wanker.

You and your children deserve so much better than this pathetic excuse for a man. You deserve to feel safe and loved. Not terrified. Leave now before the damage to your children is irreversible. Get angry and use the anger to make plans and get help. It’s out there. Sending love and strength.

remember that you don’t owe him. I wouldn’t tell him op, I’d talk to council, talk to your sisters, and start packing precious things and leaving them at their house. Baby things, the clothes to grow into, passports and documents, a tub of toys and books, all your jewelry except what you are wearing, he won’t notice will he? A box a week.

You're right to feel like you're going insane because this is insane and is an abusive relationship. You need to leave, if not for yourself then for the sake of your kids.

Leave. Take the day off work, wait for him to leave for the day and pack up and go.

You could go to a women’s shelter. You could ring the DV helpline. Don’t be put off by the idea that they might not be the right service for you. Contact anyone and everyone who might be able to help, or at least point you in the direction of someone who can.

Remember, you are not being silly. Everyone who has heard your story is adamant you should leave. You just need to work out how.

You are being unreasonable for having two children with this man after years of mental abuse but I understand that abuse is complicated and that you are trauma bonded to him so start doing the freedom programme and research’s and help yourself out of the situation you’re in for two years I didn’t want to accept that what I was going through was abusive but if you have accepted it then you can help yourself

This is upsetting to read. Tell your sisters and stop worrying about him and how others perceive him. He is abusive and this is not a good dad.