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Original poster

I feel like I’m going insane

135 replies

helloworld213 · 13/04/2025 20:41

Me and my partner have been together almost 10 years and have 2 young children together. He has always had a really short temper and snaps over the smallest of things. Recently things have gotten so bad I just don’t know where to turn, but also doubt myself that I’m overreacting or being overly sensitive.

He has only ever been physically abusive years ago, he pushed me when we were drunk and I went flying into a table in a bar. I told him if he ever laid a finger on me again I would be gone. Nothing physical has ever happened since and I don’t feel unsafe around him. But I can’t take the “emotional abuse” (or so that’s what I think it is) anymore. He regularly calls me names (dickhead, fat cow, idiot, stupid) tells me to “shut your mouth”. For years I’ve taken it, because he apologises after but recently I started to realise that his apologies were always followed with a “but”.

For example we argued the other week because our toddler woke up in the night and I was trying to calm her down on the landing. Her crying woke the baby up and my partner came onto the landing and shouted at me “shut the fuck up you’ve woke him up” because the baby had woken up. The next morning I said to him why do you think it’s ok to speak to me like that? In front of our toddler too? He apologised but it was followed with “ I’m sorry for speaking to you like that but you shouldn’t have been on the landing”. Am I overreacting? Because every time he speaks to me like that or calls me an awful name he apologises and admits he shouldn’t have done it. But then it happens again and again and I feel like I’m losing my mind.

I’m finding this so hard because I love him. He’s not lazy and does lots around the house whilst working full time. I work too but solo parent a lot of the time because he works long days. He’s an amazing dad too but I’ve noticed our toddler has started acting up. She thinks it’s acceptable to tell me to shut up. She hits me and takes her anger out on me. I bought her a book about feelings and one of the questions was “what makes you sad” and she said “when daddy gets angry” and “what makes you scared” and she said “when daddy shouts”. I felt heartbroken. I don’t want this life for my children. I’ve threatened to leave numerous times and his responses are “you’ll have nothing” “you’ll end up on your own in a council house”. Like I care? I couldn’t care less if me and my babies are alone in a council house. As long as we’re happy and my children feel safe. Then when I filled the forms out for housing and he realised I was serious he said he knows he’s got issues and he doesn’t want me to leave.

That was 6 months ago. Since then it’s carried on and things are just getting worse. I could go on for hours about all the hurtful things over the years he’s done or said.

He tells me I’m giving up on our family but honestly I’ve fought for us for years. Giving him chance after chance and I’ve just got nothing left in me now. No fight. I’m so physically and mentally drained I don’t even argue back anymore I just go silent which makes him worse.

Please someone tell me if I’m being irrational or if I need to leave?

OP posts:
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OhamIreally · 26/04/2025 09:06

I’d love to hear how you are getting on @helloworld213

consistentlyinconsistent · 21/04/2025 08:51

MoominMai · 13/04/2025 21:03

Sorry to read this is happening to you. Leaving is such a drastic step with its own negatives as you’re no doubt fully aware. Therefore, I think your first step should be to consider counselling. If he refuses, then fair play at least your conscience is clear that for your family’s sake, you really did do everything before that final unfortunate step of splitting up.

Edited

@MoominMai you can’t have couples counselling when there’s abuse

eish · 21/04/2025 08:03

Well done, stay strong.

IButtleSir · 21/04/2025 08:01

This is abuse. You and your children deserve so much better than this. Accept support from your sisters and friends and do whatever it takes to get away from him. Well done for taking the first step.

Darkambergingerlily · 21/04/2025 07:59

OP I’ve just read Nesting by Roisin O Donnell. It was so eye opening some of the things I could relate to.
it was £2 on my phone to read and I read it in a weekend. Highly recommend

Weenurse · 21/04/2025 07:30

Good luck 💐

SALaw · 21/04/2025 07:29

You were very strong and clear in your messaging to him about physical abuse. Why haven’t you been equally clear about verbal abuse? Speak like this again and I’m gone (and mean it).

TheMovieFlopped · 21/04/2025 07:24

Get over your ‘love’ for him and leave. He sounds vile. If you choose to stay with him you will regret it. It will be a life of misery for you and your children. Don’t waste any more of your life with this abusive manchild who needs to grow the fuck up.

mepipesneedlagging · 21/04/2025 06:34

YesHonestly · 13/04/2025 21:21

And imagine having a council house! A safe, calm place for you and your children. A secure tenancy. A house you can make a home.

In many local authority areas, you are a higher priority if you are leaving domestic abuse. It does have to be reported to the police usually, but keep it in mind. Women’s Aid and Shelter will be able to advise you further.

This.
And apart from being an abusive and gaslighting piece of work who's "sorry-not sorry," He's also judgemental about council housing and Single parents.
Bet he also tells you nobody else will ever want you either 🤨

socks1107 · 20/04/2025 22:22

My ex husband was like this. Ex. Get away from him and you’ll be much happier as I am 16 years later

SnoopyPajamas · 20/04/2025 22:20

Go with your gut, OP. You know this isn't right, and so does your DD. You both deserve better 🌺

S0j0urn4r · 20/04/2025 22:07

I hope you're okay ❤️

notatinydancer · 20/04/2025 21:26

@helloworld213once you get away from him you’ll be absolutely fine. Might be a bit tough at first but you’ll never regret it.
He doesn’t sound the type to want 50/50. I bet he’ll end up seeing them less than twice a month.

Itsoneofthose · 16/04/2025 08:38

@helloworld213 well done for taking those steps, can’t imagine how hard it must be but its all going to lead to something so much better. We’re all rooting for you! X

OhamIreally · 15/04/2025 17:07

Good luck. One day not too far away you will be closing your front door on your own peaceful place with your children and it will feel like bliss.

Youllnevergetabetterbitofbutteronyourknife · 15/04/2025 16:20

I am so proud of you, OP! The resilience and bravery you have shown are immense! You know your mum is looking down on you and applauding the massive step you have just taken! 🥰👏🏻

Yellowcakestand · 14/04/2025 23:21

My DS still has times where he needs support 8 years after leaving ex when DS was 2 years old. He needed weekly family support worker sessions for 8 months at 3 years old, was referred for outside support when he was 4 in reception by the safeguarding lead at school and sees MH support worker at school. All stemming from being exposed to DV over those first 2 years of his life. Get out asap, deal with everything else once you are safe. Report all to the police with your evidence. This is verbal abuse and may also be coercive behaviour. Don't stay in this environment for a second longer.
You've got this. X

Boreded · 14/04/2025 23:10

helloworld213 · 14/04/2025 21:22

This morning I jumped in the car and posted the forms for emergency housing through my local council. The forms have been in my car for 6 months and I’ve finally done it. It may seem like a small step but honestly I already feel like the weight on my shoulders has started to lift.

I also broke down to a friend today, I don’t know why or how it happened but I ended up telling her everything. She asked me how I was coping after losing my mum and I just lost it, I couldn’t stop crying and everything just came out like word vomit. She said she is going to come round when he’s at work and help me call whoever I need to call and support me through everything. I feel ashamed for telling her everything and burdening her with all of this but she genuinely cares and wants to help.

The first thing he said to me this morning was “shut up dickhead” after I’d asked him to stop snoozing his alarm because it kept waking our toddler up. Then within an hour he was trying to laugh and flirt with me. It just confirmed that I’m making the right decision.

I don’t know how long any of this will take, but I have nowhere to go in the meantime so I’ve taken on everyone’s advice and I’m just acting normal with him. Until I hear from the council or get some advice from women’s aid I won’t even be hinting to him that I’m going to leave.

My god what am I doing… I’m so scared of what’s to come. Wish me luck💔

You are doing the right thing. Keep us updated on your safety

24CRZZNKKA · 14/04/2025 22:24

Rooting for you OP. I hope you can get a new place quickly and get out as fast and safely as possible.

RunningJo · 14/04/2025 22:00

Complete the council forms, see what benefits you’d be entitled to, get legal advice and plan to move out.
He isn't a good Dad or partner. Just because you don’t have bruises of a split lip doesn’t mean he isn’t abusing you. He is and your children are seeing it.

He continues because he can. Apologies mean nothing if he doesn’t mean it, and nothing changes. If you can’t leave for yourself, leave for your children. You all deserve better.

edited to add: just seen your update OP. Well done on taking the first steps.

Itsoneofthose · 14/04/2025 21:57

This is abuse and he won’t change. It might get better for a while, then it will resume. You say one sentence he’s a great dad- well he’s not, because in the next you say he’s shouting in earshot of your child. I’m sorry to go on about something you’re probably painfully aware of but having him talk to you like that and shout in front of your children is paving the way for them to have mental health difficulties in later life, without a doubt- trauma. Anxiety, depression, personality disorder, all of it. He’ll ebb away you. It must be awful but you have to leave, for them and for yourself.

ReplacementBusService · 14/04/2025 21:49

Good luck, just remember a lot of this isn't luck it's your bravery, persistence, and hard work and you've got more of those than you realize yet ❤️

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 14/04/2025 21:47

I've read all your posts @helloworld213 and you need to get out of there sooner rather than later. You've put up with so much for long enough.
Contact women's aid and see about a refuge space. You don't have to be being physically abused for them to help you. Talking with someone on the advice line would confirm what you already know - that he is emotionally abusive and quite possibly is coercively controlling you.
Family time for the children going forward, use a contact centre so that you don't have to see him or interact with him.
I hope you're able to get away soon so that you and your children are safe.

canyouseemyhousefromhere · 14/04/2025 21:43

❤️

Endofyear · 14/04/2025 21:39

You're doing exactly the right thing. Lean on your friend for support and keep your resolve. There is light at the end of the tunnel - a calm and peaceful home with no abuse.