To not go chasing after my mum all the time!

That must have been very difficult for you. Well done for facing things head on. While your mum’s awful childhood does make her deserving of sympathy, it does not excuse her treatment of you.

It is so sad that your mother was unable, for whatever reason, to step out of the cycle and do more to protect and shield you from the generational trauma.

I hope you can find some comfort in changing your own life now you know the truth, and protect your children from the poisonous legacy that you are now aware of.

I can tell you with some certainty that the feeling of relief and gratitude having protected and prioritised your own children will be like nothing else when they reach adulthood full of vitality, healthy and full of love.

You were only tiny and not old enough to change anything in your own childhood, but you can damn well make sure your dc will not suffer the same outcome, and nor will you in your adult life.

By keeping everyone toxic and dysfunctional away from them and you, by leading by example and showing them healthy, relaxed relationships that grow from mutual respect, trust, care and security. Unconditional love. The kind that you never had.

I am so sorry your day was so hard and so painful, and no one helped or stopped what happened to you as a child. A failing of every adult around you.

Take care of yourself now op. Try to focus on the love you have, and not what will never be. Refuse to play the games or play a role. You can be true to yourself at all times, and look after your own needs from now on op whatever you wish to do around contact with your mother 💐

She's not a great Nan to them when she treats their mother like this. How long is it before she treats them the same?

Thanks for the update. Sounds like a lot to
take.
While your mum’s childhood doesn’t excuse her behaviour now, it probably does explain it.
My mum had an awful childhood but decided to break the chain with her own children, as you are doing with yours. Her mother was incapable of love, sadly.
It might be a good time when you are able to
access some trauma therapy.
I hope in time what you experienced today helped.

You are breaking the cycle so much to think about.

Hope today goes okay!

Hope you’re ok op.
Lots to process.

Thinking of you today.

There aren’t any “do overs” in parenting and there aren’t really any excuses. Lots if people have difficult and traumatic childhoods but they work hard to overcome them ir, at least, not to victimize new innocents.

I think you are nervous that something that your uncle says will reveal her to have been “the victim” so if you don’t love her enough, or rescue her enough, you are failing her. You are “persecuting “ her.

This is not a court of law. You aren’t the judge or the prosecutor who must establish beyond a reasonable doubt that she was wholly right or wrong. She can have been sinned against by her parents and still be accountable first her own flagrantly abusive treatment of your sister and yourself.

I hope tomorrow goes ok for you @MotherIssues2025

You have a clear eyed view of the acceptability of her behaviour which is great. And there is always a part where this is not clear cut - even monstrously terrible people can have some good qualities (like the anecdotes about Hitler being nice to dogs). And she may not have bad intention - if she does have a personality disorder it is more like she is operating with a piece of what is supposed to be there missing, so has to resort to unhelpful or unacceptable behaviour when she is in a situation where there is nothing there for her to draw from. Life can be very hard and sad for people with PD. BUT, and it is a big one, this does not make the behaviour ok, or mean you have to put up with it. It is ok if you cannot fix her problems or meet her needs.

It sounds like it is the emotion piece which is tripping you up a bit, which is understandable as you sound like a nice, kind person. Emotions are usually there to tell us that something important is going on that we should pay attention to. But some are the result of habits we are taught growing up. Guilt about not giving in to your mum would be an example of the latter. So naming that emotion, observing it with curiosity and then changing your focus to something else could be helpful (look up Acceptance and Commitment Therapy or ACT). We cant help what we feel, and having mixed or unclear feelings can be distressing. But taking that attitude at that time and then waiting for the emotion to pass can help us feel less upset by them. I hope that helps. And that you have support for yourself after you speak to your uncle. And that if it is still all unclear, you are able to put this aside at some point, and focus on yourself for a change.

Edited to insert the word not I had missed out.

Omg this.

Mine talks at me. If me or eldest ds are talking to her about something, she will start a conversation with one of the other children. Mid sentence she'll just turn and start her own elsewhere.

However if she's talking and has anything less than a captivated audience, she's professionally offended.

Is there anything you can do this evening to look after yourself a little more than usual? A warm bath? A hug with your dc? A good film? A chat with a friend?

It sounds really really distressing. That the abuse has been hidden, that you fear far worse exists but you can’t reach it, and you are living a lie or at least living in the dark.

Op your distress is palpable and understandable. That a black hole exists, and you have never felt you knew the truth.

I hope tomorrow brings the answers you need, some comfort. That some of the gaps can be filled.

I am really sorry you have suffered so much as a child, and still to this day. You deserve to be loved, held and cared fior. You always did.

I understand why you’ll asking.
Id be exactly the same.
But what ever you learn remember:
It may be the reason , but it NEVER an excuse.
Excusing the ‘Abuse’ just perpetuates it.

What are you looking for from this exchange op? To learn what her life was like? What are you hoping to achieve from this knowledge?

And if you are going there to find out all about do and her childhood, and where her abuse of you possibly came from, does that mean as an adult she couldn’t have made kinder choices with you and your sister? Even if she suffered a difficult childhood. As you said you were able to make better choices for your dc.

You are still thinking about dm and her perspective op.

Spending your bank holiday devoted to trying to understand why she is the way she is. It might be unfathomable, or there might be a string of reasons but it would be a good idea to start putting some of this is energy into yourself and your own trauma? Would you consider this?

Thank you Peggy. I think a covert narcissistic parent is extremely hard to overcome and to challenge. You can’t challenge the abuse even gently, because they will spin it to be something ‘hurting’ them. She will play the victim and switch between the two roles of victim and abuser. Whilst occasionally bread crumbing.

Op would benefit from counselling and support.

Also just to say your truth and memories are correct op. You know because you were there. It might feel validating to hear it from someone else, but please learn to trust yourself, and your own version of the truth.

So if you propped up a mirror op she can just talk to that instead?

Op the reason for this is because she is only in a relationship with herself. You are just an extension/audience/empty vessel to project at. She only has time and interest in herself and her feelings. There is no room for you.
The platform is always hers.

It can be quite hard to realise she doesn’t even know you. She has no idea who you are, and doesn’t care for find out. You are just there to play your part and do her bidding. I am so sorry - but you are more than a mirage or a reflection of her. You are your own person.

@Livingbytheocean such a brave, brave post.

You are tearing yourself in two over someone who makes you feel like shit.
You may get some useful background info from your uncle.
If you think it will make you feel better by confronting her, it may for a moment, and then it will be like a bomb has gone off.
Your mum doesn’t have feelings the way most people experience them. Trying to work out the reasons won’t mean progress for you.
Take the advice from the PP who is a therapist.
You have nothing left to lose now by learning to put some boundaries in place, both physical and verbal.
A therapist would be great to help with that.
Your mum isn’t as powerful as you think, or she thinks.
Just think of all the time in your life you’ve wasted being consumed by all of this. To be blunt, when she’s gone you don’t want to look back and regret it.
You have a chance here to make a more independent life for yourself. As a dutiful person, if you want contact with DM then learn to have it in your terms. You can leave her company at any time.
I am so sorry she has treated you this way because it has traumatised you. Both you and your sister have been abused. In a way, it’s more complex for you.
Try and get some professional help, if you can. You sound like a fantastic mum and sister - time to live life for you.