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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is shady behaviour?

56 replies

NoForwardingAddress · 13/04/2025 15:38

I have Facebook and Instagram. My husband has always maintained that he "doesn't do social media".

Last night, before bed, i was scrolling Facebook and under the annoying 'friends you might know' bit came my husband's name. No profile pic, but his name (which is very unusual, so i realised that probability means it's actually him and not someone with the same name). I looked at the profile and all the info is bare (or hidden) such as about info and friends list.

Anyway, I straight away said "since when do you have a Facebook profile?" He replied "I've always had a Facebook profile" as if I know this. I replied that he didnt to my knowledge, and he repeated that he's always had one, in a way to suggest it was obvious and i already knew about it. I absolutely did not know and he is outright lying here because he's previously asked to use my account to look for something on marketplace, probably about a year ago.

Anyway, at that moment our youngest walked in and had been sick all over herself, so I had to sort that out. He was doing a good imitation of being asleep when I came back in, and left for work this morning before I'd woken and could discuss further.

So I've been stewing all day on this and the more I stew, the more suspicious I am. My feeling is that this is shady as f*ck. To essentially have a secret Facebook account that your wife does not know about, and then lie when confronted. He is not at all tech savvy and doesnt know about meta data harvesting or algorithms, so would not have known that I'd be alerted to his presence on Facebook as a friend suggestion.

I will discuss it with him tonight, and my feeling is that this shady behaviour. I've no problem him having social media if he wants it, but it needs to be to conduct the kind of activity that you'd hope of a married person.

Just to caveat this, that I did previously knew he signed up to Facebook 6 years ago. This was following an affair he had, and the sole reason he signed up was so he could search for pictures of the other woman after their affair had ended. He told me after I discovered this that he had deleted Facebook. Even if he never did, he's had a new phone since then so would've had to go through the process of re-logging in or signing back up. So, further proof of shady, right?

I'm assuming the fact I've only just seen him as a friend suggestion means he's either only just re-joined recently, or he's been rejoined a while but searched for my profile for some reason? Does that sound logical?

Anyway, looking for opinions on whether this is shady or could be innocent and how I proceed. Obviously, if it transpires he's cheated again, then I'll absolutely LTB. But obviously because he has form, perhaps I'm being paranoid.

Thanks.

OP posts:
ReplacementBusService · 13/04/2025 15:48

It didn't sound shady at all until you mentioned the affair bit. I wasn't friends on Facebook with DH for years, I can't remember why we bothered to become friends on it in the end. It wasn't a big deal. But throwing the previous affair/deleted Facebook profile in the mix makes it shady. And also makes it reasonable for you to say to him "may I look at this totally innocent profile of yours cos that whole affair scenario has made me a bit anxious about you and social media" - then hopefully he says yes of course, shows you immediately and you can move on.

Usually I have no interest in anyone who needs to go through their partners phone or SM, but there's a precedent here and he can EASILY put your worries straight, if he cares for you.

BigGapMum · 13/04/2025 15:48

My son doesn't use Facebook, but had to sign up to it in order to use his VR. I've just looked at his details and it has no photo and no info, but it's definitely his as he has a stupid profile picture I recognise. Does your DH have a VR account?

Streaaa · 13/04/2025 15:46

OP, you know he is a cheating liar and not to be trusted.
No change there then.
Mind yourself.

Maitri108 · 13/04/2025 15:43

Unfortunately if you choose to stay in a relationship after an affair, this is the reality. Sitting wasting time and energy 'stewing' over some Facebook account.

Queeneel · 13/04/2025 15:40

So I've been stewing all day on this and the more I stew, the more suspicious I am

I can’t imagine how dark the atmosphere must have been in your home today op

Queeneel · 13/04/2025 15:39

This issue aside, this marriage must be on shaky grounds anyway I’m guessing?