To not let her boyfriend move in?

The plans to move to a particular city need to be stepped up so they can achieve what they want. They won't be the first couple to have to live apart for a while. You're not blocking their relationship by only allowing him to visit for two nights a week!

I'd only let a bf move in either in an extreme emergency or if they were able to pay their way with bills etc. And only because we have a big enough house where it works well (both dds currently have bfs who stay over regularly and are no bother at all).

If I were to agree to something like this it would have an absolute maximum time of 2-3 months. No way would I agree it indefinitely. YANBU.

@Checkmymoves you are not going to like me but this is our story.
My undiagnosed but likely ASD daughter was working a minimum wage job when she met her partner at work. He was post graduate she had recently decided to go to Uni a bit later than her peers. Fast forward a couple of years his family decided to move away. He couldn’t drive so would have been unable to get to work. Still on very low paid job he would not have afforded to rent a room.

We offered for him to move in. At first my daughter had a wobble how would she cope sharing her space with a partner. We reassured her it would work out. And thankfully we were right .

They have lived with us for 6 years. In that time they have had the support to both get graduate jobs. My husband taught daughter and boyfriend to drive. They are now in the process of buying their first house .

Yes the arrangement when on longer than we anticipated. But no regrets here.

I would at least try in your shoes. The world we grew up in, isn’t the world they are growing up in.

They do “have a plan moving forward” as it’s clearly only until they find work and save up a deposit. You are saying no because due the awful job market and crazy high rents (plus discrimination against ND workers) it might take longer than you’d like. That is out of her control, so I feel it is an unfair requirement from you.

You also feel your ND DD will not bend to your house rules, which she is less likely to be amenable to with you deciding only she can stay with you.

They have been together for 3.5yrs, this is a long term, committed relationship. Your DD is more likely to succeed post graduation with her partner by her side than if she is home cut off from him, angry at you two and distressed.

So, I would at least try it. If it doesnt work out, fair enough but to not even try- that is the kind of decision that causes family rifts and estrangement.

She now has a great reason to get a job and save hard so she can move in with him

And every reason not to bother finding a job if the living and shagging are free

Absolutely not.
Also I wouldn't be saying several nights a week, it could be 4 or 5.
Do not do it.
It will end up being the most thankless thing you do.
It will cause you nothing but stress and annoyance and will not be good for your marriage.

Once you give in, you will be bitterly regret it.
Her reaction to your No is telling.

Tell her it's best she not return home at all if she doesn't feel she can respect and appreciate that this is YOUR house.

Unfortunately this age group can be extremely entitled.
I know I have 4 around that age.
No girlfriends or boyfriends will be moving in here.
Too many horror stories around me to have firmly warned me off.

Too many stories of parents feeling a bit uncomfortable in THEIR home.

Not happening here.

I’d push it back to her and say her reaction to you saying no is very telling and the exact reason why it’s a no!
She has no right to be pissed off at you, it shows how she will behave with anything she doesn’t like.

I wouldn't allow nights over myself but I have another child at home. No boy or girlfriends staying over at all is my rule.

They'll have to get jobs and support themselves if they want to live together.

Think dc coming again after uni can be quite a bumpy path - they are used to being I charge of their own space mixed in with remembering parents doing averything for them when they were children - it is a volatile mixture. Handling this with another outisde person in the house would be much harder. Also, it’s your home, and workplace - you aren’t the one in a relationship with this lad so why should you want to live with him?

I think your response is very reasonable and agree with the above comment about being very very clear about how many nights is reasonable to stay over.

Absolutely not your house. Your rules. She doesn't have you like it.

They’d be much happier in a house share. YANBU.

And learning to drive.

Like everyone else, ‘without a plan’ is bugging me.

Agree with everyone YANBU, but you may need to specify an exact number of nights acceptable for the BF to stay over as I’ve read so many MN posts where this was the original set up but it slowly becomes permanent due to excuses being repeatedly made and then it evolves into the parents struggling with BF living there FT and DD threatening to go no contact if he is kicked out 😬.

she wants you to ‘support them to stay together’?

it’s not like you are against their relationship for a start. You said she could move in. She doesn’t have to pay any rent and then her boyfriend can stay with her a couple of nights a week that is supporting them as far as I’m concerned.

One hundred percent the right decision. Stand your ground.

You are absolutely correct, don't give in!
She now has a great reason to get a job and save hard so she can move in with him.
I'm sure they can survive meet8 for dates and a couple of nights at each home per week.

YANBU at all. It’s good to see someone sees the pitfalls of this before their adult child’s boyfriend moves in.

You have been very prescient seeing this, don’t be guilt tripped into this.

Tell dd that it’s not parents responsibility to house their children’s boyfriends. They’re not divided from seeing each other.

Help them by researching all the options available to them including benefits.

You're not being unreasonable OP. Don't do it. I feel for your daughter to thinks she wants this, but do not do it. It will only lead to problems - not just for you, but them too.

Or they could get their heads down and work for a living and save up like normal people do

You’re not wrong Op - don’t be bullied into doing something that you’ll regret.

Tough titty said the kitty!

YANBU at all.

Did you read the bit where it said neither of them can drive?

But, OP, don't do it. It won't end happily, and given that DD has lived away for so long now, the pressures of just her back in the house full-time would be bad enough. She's used to her own place, and her own rules, and those aren't going to mesh back with yours that easily.

There are other choices - not luxurious admittedly, but this is the real world and they both have to learn that they need to put effort into life. If they want to live together that much it isn't impossible - it just means they have to put in more effort.

Don’t do it - your reasons are very understandable.

2 nights a week at each other’s house is more than half of the week and I presume that they can both drive to meet for dates on other days.

It's that "without any plan going forward" bit which would give me pause too

If they hope for a favour like this I'd at least expect that they'd have approached you with some sort of plan, and ND or not if they can complete a Uni course that plan shouldn't be beyond them

Instead it seems to amount to no more than "we want to live together with you paying", and wanting isn't getting

They have other options, it’s not only your house or nothing. What about his parents home or looking for a house share. Don’t be emotionally bullied into accepting a deal that will put you under immense pressure and ruin your home environment.