To think how you look is still essentially the most influential thing in how people treat you?

How you look, your ‘style’ and what you weigh count for more than anything else for far too many people
It also has to do with class/socio economic judgement, as style/weight etc are often wrapped up in the person knowing the ‘right thing to like’

It starts at school,teachers pay more attention to good looking children. Looks can have an effect in job interviews too, though you won’t find it mentioned in any Unconscious Bias course.

I think you really notice it when it goes, if you’ve had the experience of ‘pretty privilege’. When I was young, I never felt particularly beautiful, but looking back I got an easy time of it from men. Now that I’m older, the rudeness is a shock. I don’t think men in particular have changed, just their perception of my value is influencing how they treat me.

I’m in my 40s, small, fat and not pretty.

Work in tech with lots of young men in their 20s. Treated respectfully from them all.

however, on the interned: people are horrible about fatness. Mumsnet being the worst place

I am older than the op and no I dont think any of this, I cant say I feel people treat me any different than 20 or 30 years ago I have different friends of different ages, looks and body shape

I am not friends with anyone who is obsessed with looks or fight aging as none of that interests me, anyone who cant handle me for me has the problem not me

ive had comments on my looks all my life (being pretty) and I can tell you now that it’s always left me questioning peoples motives. Add that to going through bouts of confidence and feeling derailed and put down by people’s negativity concerning my confidence has often left me feeling like I should just isolate myself because I’m too much for people.

My username may be positivity wins but right now I’m not winning, and I’m always left questioning if my looks have something to do with it. Saying that, maybe I have a terrible personality but I know I do my best to be conscientious and kind. For me it’s a catch 22, people expect good looking people to be arrogant and when they’re not it’s hard for others to deal with because that would be easier for them, on the other hand if you’re good looking and confident you can be judged unfairly and it’s hurtful. Also people expect me to be stupid but I’m not and they find it surprising when they realise I’m not.

its a very fickle world.

I think people judge about everything, so I don’t think looks is necessarily the most influential thing.

I think that the most influential thing is money these days. People seem to like people if they are richer no matter how they behave. If someone is poor (or looks visibly poor) people treat them like shit.

The 3 things that seem to influence how people treat you in the modern world is money, looks and how popular a person is generally. It’s a very narcissistic world.

I broadly agree when it comes to first impressions, but I think for most people it changes when you have gotten to know each other better. At work, in the office, I am respected because people know I’m good at my job. In work situations where I am meeting lots of new people, and particularly for older men I meet, they seem to assume I’m less intelligent and capable than I am, or even completely ignore my presence. I can only assume the fact I’m fat and plain is part of that.

It never ends from those types of men, still dealing with it more than ever. I think some are basically animals

Not true for me.

Definitely a mixed bag on the looks front.

What we have in common is boxes of frogs!

I've always been invisible. Not unattractive, but built like a 12 year old, with a girl next-door kind of face.
Worst was when colleagues would overlook me and call out "where is your teacher?" to my class which was totally undermining.
People would push in front of me in queues assuming I was a random child standing around.
It has got better as I've got older and filled out to a more "womanly" shape. At least people now notice I exist in a neutral way.

It did make my 20s and 30s hard going.

If you see someone in passing then your first impression is likely to be how they look, the majority of people are too self absorbed to judge because unless they're doing something outrageous or unusual there isn't anything else to go on. I guess this is self centred of me but I notice stuff like ah I bet we like some of the same stuff because I love that clothes brand/band they're wearing and I'm more likely to make an effort to speak to them. Realise that sounds bad!

It's interesting about the friendship groups, I wonder if some is chicken and egg though- if your mates are into maintaining their hair colour, getting tweaks and treatments perhaps you're more likely to be interested in doing the same.

Sadly, you're right. Personally good looks, a good job, social status; these things don't impress me. What impresses me is the kind of person you are, your morals, whether you have integrity, if you are generally kind towards others etc. But you do get treated differently as a slim, good looking person. I know, i used to be one, not anymore 😂

It's true. I even notice a significant difference if I wear makeup or not, in the EU country I live in, at least. People are likely to suspect me of shoplifting if I'm makeup free and with slightly scruffier hair than usual. Must be the acne scars.. They will tend to give me better service if I am made-up.
Better looking people having an easier time of things isn't really up for debate, it's a statistical reality.

Being with Dd2 is like being with a celebrity. It’s mental the reactions she invokes (16 looks like a super model v tall dresses quite boldly). In Italy we were put on tables at the front of restaurants every time.

I am even featured and in shape and am usually treated well. I genuinely don’t miss the being leered at and weird sexual undertones on dealing with men I got 15-26. Actually a relief that’s gone.

Yes and no. I think you are judged most on things that are visual but I think beauty comes fairly low down that list:

• are you a man?
• are you white?
• are you rich?
• are you under 60?

Erm....no.

Agree but how you look is not just your natural look, it’s how much effort you make, what clothes you choose and all round how you decide to present yourself to the world, plus overall confidence, warmth, smiliness etc. Being fat doesn’t mean unattractive either.

So you could entirely change your first impression just with hair clothes attitude, make up if you wanted to.

I was quite pretty when I was young and got a lot of attention (not in a good way) now I’ve aged quite a bit in menopause and gained weight. I am fairly invisible.

I like to think people get noticed for brains, humour, interesting personality too.

It’s definitely about presentability: smart, clean, polite, confident. 1st impressions are 90% of how you are viewed by other humans.

And how your colleague handles the comments about her look is probably by not giving a shiny s**t! That in itself commands a certain level of respect!

As for thinking she is ugly, the OP is probably giving out a certain level of under confidence, which will affect that first impression!

OP, you need to work on yourself a little bit. I have been working for 44 years, and in all that time, I can honestly say that I have never thought that any of my colleagues were ugly! Everybody is different, so try to give yourself a break💐🍀

I had a bit of an epiphany moment recently. I'm mid 40s and overweight and have always been plump in some way right since childhood. I'm pleasant looking and can be pretty but not a beauty and not at all memorable. It bothered me all my life, not helped by my much more attractive sister. My confidence isn't great due to my weight and ive wasted so much energy over the years disliking myself. I realised recently that I have had an immense privilege my whole life because I have a pleasant face and gentle voice and people tend to presume the best of me. Everyone is usually nice to me, men like me but I've never been objectified, women are friendly, kids like me. I've done nothing to deserve this! I tend to find daily interactions easy and and as a customer, employee, parent etc I tend to be treated well. It's only when I hear about other people's experiences I realise I have had it easy. I've started to appreciate this aspect of who I am and feel grateful. I would not have this experience if i was prettier or thinner or more successful or even taller.

I have been as small as a size 8 and as large as a size 20. My experience of being a size 20 and how people treated me was just so awful. People assume you don't care about your appearance, that it is so obvious you are large that it is OK to explicitly call you fat, make jokes about food/general appearance. Sadly IME YANBU.

Sadly yes

I agree with this....alongside with attractiveness things like affluence, age, career, class, ethnicity, nationality, if you're single or have a man or not....

I don't actually think there's anything wrong with "birds of a feather flock together" attitude though.

I've learned to read the room and accept it for what it is.

I'm ND and was a late social starter and found it hard with social signals.

So I had some really humiliating situations where I was in groups where I clearly wasn't that wanted or accepted as I "thought" I wanted to be in the group.

I found all female groups especially hard as I think this hierarchical dynamic is very strong there.

I'm a lot more comfortable in open diverse groups of people where there is a mix of genders and backgrounds and metrics of achievement, and I'm sort of "mid" there.

I've found a few spaces like this and I'm sticking with them!