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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to cry at the cost

206 replies

Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 10:29

Dp has gone to his home country for his sons wedding which was arranged against my at this time against dp wishes dp wanted more time to arrange the money but the brides parent would not listen. It's a pakistani wedding so numerous events celebrations plus airline tickets and normal spending money.
I'm not well off I'm only working a few hours due to mental health etc and dp isn't on loads and we have ended up in some debt for this and to be honest I'm so depressed about it all he's there has another week and is almost out of money again I'm so fed up as I'm currently living on my overdraft and my dp won't have a wage for 2 weeks whrn he gets back.
I'm not sure what I wish to gain by posting here I really don't but I guess I just need some support to air it out so please go easy on me but I'm completely buggered up.

OP posts:
BlondiePortz · 13/04/2025 11:14

But if you hardly work how can you give him more money?

Miley23 · 13/04/2025 11:12

I think things probably seem worse due to your mental health. Make sure he's aware that when he returns he will need to work overtime or take on a second job to make up the loss and build up a bit of a safety net for things like this in the future as it will happen again when it's a cultural thing.

ZippyDoodle · 13/04/2025 11:11

It sounds as if you have done enough so stop sending money. He shouldn’t have gone if he couldn’t afford it. I would be wondering what he was spending money on as I would have expected it to be cheaper to exist there than here.

Is this a happy relationship because I would hazard a guess that he does whatever and you go along with it from what you’ve said.

FatLarrysBanned · 13/04/2025 11:10

If he wants to play Billy Big Bollocks in front of his family let him, but don't send him another penny.

He can ask them to lend him some money, that'll bring him down a peg or 2 when they realise he's only there by the grace of a lowly woman subbing him.

Cardinalita90 · 13/04/2025 11:10

Stop topping him up with money! He's surrounded by family, he couldn't be better situated to get help if he needs extra funds.

You're putting yourself in debt and getting stressed about it. Take control and say to him "there's no more money you'll have to make do on what I've already sent you" and mean it.

Original poster
Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 11:09

Sofiewoo · 13/04/2025 11:06

So his money is shared but yours is your own to save?

Show quote history

It hasn't been like that but I've told him that I want to recover my finances when he's back so I'm keeping most of my money to save up again as I've used money that was mine

OP posts:
MrsMappFlint · 13/04/2025 11:09

Well, that's a positive @Charltonstrek
You do need to have a good talk with him when he returns though because this is just too stressful for you. Maybe a joint account for the expenses of your home and no money sharing other than that.

Knittedfairies2 · 13/04/2025 11:08

You can't send him money you haven't got. He'll have to borrow from his relatives there.

Original poster
Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 11:07

MrsMappFlint · 13/04/2025 11:05

Is your rent or mortgage paid?

I have money all set aside for bills rent etc but living in overdraft for food and topping him up with money.
May have problems after he's back with the bills tbh.

OP posts:
Sofiewoo · 13/04/2025 11:06

Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 10:59

I do yes as daft as it sounds but I've told him that when he comes back my money is all mine the pittance that I earn and I'm saving it

Show quote history

So his money is shared but yours is your own to save?

MrsMappFlint · 13/04/2025 11:05

Is your rent or mortgage paid?

Original poster
Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 11:04

Then I have to try and survive on £1000 wages end of April as no wage for him for 2 weeks when he's back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 11:02

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 13/04/2025 11:00

I think from what the OP says, and her last post, it's both.

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Yes both really as he does earn but it's gone way way over what we thought and now I have flight money owed to PayPal of £800 plus £1000 on credit card money transfer I know I know and I'm £500 in overdraft.

OP posts:
LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 13/04/2025 11:00

PinkyFlamingo · 13/04/2025 10:59

It's not clear if it's your money that's been paid or his?

I think from what the OP says, and her last post, it's both.

Original poster
Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 10:59

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 13/04/2025 10:57

OK. Smile Do you want to stay with this man @Charltonstrek ? I feel like your life will never be your own .. As long as you're with him, his family will always come first. And as I said, your money will be supporting them.

Show quote history

I do yes as daft as it sounds but I've told him that when he comes back my money is all mine the pittance that I earn and I'm saving it

OP posts:
PinkyFlamingo · 13/04/2025 10:59

It's not clear if it's your money that's been paid or his?

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 13/04/2025 10:58

Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 10:56

I have been crying this morning at the financial situation I so much want to ask where all the money has been going but there are people around him.
Before he went I thought everything was paid up so it was just some spending money he said there was little things that kept adding up and I know he had to buy some clothing for himself. I feel so low.

Show quote history

I'm so sorry. 😢 Flowers

Original poster
Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 10:57

Sofiewoo · 13/04/2025 10:53

What exactly are you complaining about? Him attending the wedding?
Paying towards the wedding?

Paying towards it it's wrecked me

OP posts:
LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 13/04/2025 10:57

Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 10:52

I just have 1 son from a previous relationship

OK. Smile Do you want to stay with this man @Charltonstrek ? I feel like your life will never be your own .. As long as you're with him, his family will always come first. And as I said, your money will be supporting them.

Original poster
Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 10:56

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 13/04/2025 10:51

Wow, you really have my sympathy. This is what happens when cultures collide unfortunately. Some cultures are SO different to others. In some cultures, the husband (and his family) own the children, and will take them if the marriage breaks down.

I have no advice sorry @Charltonstrek - only sympathy for your situation. But I don't think there is anything you can do. I would be walking away personally. You will be forking out financially for his various family members forevermore. Do you have children?

I have been crying this morning at the financial situation I so much want to ask where all the money has been going but there are people around him.
Before he went I thought everything was paid up so it was just some spending money he said there was little things that kept adding up and I know he had to buy some clothing for himself. I feel so low.

OP posts:
Sofiewoo · 13/04/2025 10:53

What exactly are you complaining about? Him attending the wedding?
Paying towards the wedding?

Original poster
Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 10:52

I just have 1 son from a previous relationship

OP posts:
LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 13/04/2025 10:51

Wow, you really have my sympathy. This is what happens when cultures collide unfortunately. Some cultures are SO different to others. In some cultures, the husband (and his family) own the children, and will take them if the marriage breaks down.

I have no advice sorry @Charltonstrek - only sympathy for your situation. But I don't think there is anything you can do. I would be walking away personally. You will be forking out financially for his various family members forevermore. Do you have children?

Original poster
Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 10:46

PonyPatter44 · 13/04/2025 10:37

I'm guessing this isn't your son, just your DPs. Seems a bit mean of him not to take you with him, but if money is tight, it makes sense. Is he expecting you to send him more money?

Yes too expensive and I hate the heat

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 13/04/2025 10:41

TomatoSandwiches · 13/04/2025 10:38

Stop sending him money, stop getting in debt for this man, say no.

This. His finances are not your problem unless you owe him money. He is not your husband. He needs to pay for himself and come home when he runs out of cash.

Your mental health would probably improve if you were not living with someone so foolish.

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