To want to cry at the cost

You have no more money to give, but as you keep "coming up" with some to give him, he has no idea how dire your circumstances are. If you truly can't have a hint of a spine to tell him the home truth (which isn't being cruel or withholding, btw: The truth isn't that.) then just show him the accounts. His family sounds horrible, by the way, and I wouldn't be able to bring myself to give them anything at this point, and I'm a people pleaser, but reality is reality. I'm sorry if this is harsh (I really do feel for you and I'm sending hugs and strength: Please make sure to hyderate and rest as much as possible) but if you were waiting to hit rock bottom to make a stand: Honey, the shovel broke, and you're stuck there until you start making moves to climb.

I'm aware he gives her his wages but whatever he earns sounds very low. OP essentially only has symbolic control of their joint finances. It gives the illusion that there isn't any financial abuse when in reality he's clearly coercing OP to "come up" with money to fund completely ludicrous things.

He knows that she's in a better position to obtain a loan based on her citizenship and language fluency. He also knows that she will be 100% saddled with the debt as they are not married but seems perfectly fine with that. He knows that she cannot possibly earn the money back due to her health conditions but he is still exerting pressure for her to come up with cash. Sounds like textbook relationship scamming.

I think the his vs hers money is a red herring. The problem is that as a household, they survive on one minimum wage salary + whatever UC OP gets. OP's partner sends a lot of this back to his family in Pakistan, leaving them in financial difficulties, and doesn't make any moves to manage their expectations in a culturally appropriate way. They don't operate as a partnership to make sure that they are taking care of their basic needs first.

Be careful as you possibly may be expected to contribute to parents on going costs if there are family events in the future. Perhaps you need to have a clear discussion with him as to what will be expected of him financially (and therefore you ) in the future. Parents health costs for hospital ? Funeral contributions etc you need to know clearly what financial expectations are placed upon him

So you don’t feel you can say no, and will continue to send him money you don’t have? Just….why??

If this is the poster I'm thinking of, it's not as simple as "he's earning all the money" or "he's taking advantage". They are very much in a co-dependent relationship, she relies on him for mental health support, he's hard working but was struggling to get a decent job due in part to having no written English. Most of his money went towards supporting his adult children and extended family in Pakistan. OP had lots of people telling her this man is not good for her, but she seems entirely dependent on him emotionally.

Yeah, it's madness. Not even your adult child.

PIP is not a work related benefit.

Do his parents know you live together OP?

He sounds like a freeloader to me.

Are you sure it isn't his own wedding he's going to ? Ma & Pa may have found him a nice Pakistani girl and told him to "settle down" again.

Next thing he'll be back in Pakistan permanently expecting you to sub him.🙄

His money is shared with his family, OP's money now has to go to them too. That's how its coming across.

That's how it comes across.

Well no this woman in particular hasn't budgeted correctly. Lots of women do. It's wild that your mind went straight to 'all women can't budget' rather than presuming my post was about the woman in this thread who clearly hasn't budgeted.

I'm not sure why you are so angry but feel better soon ✌️

He's either a user or horribly irresponsible, or both. He's an adult old enough to have a child of marrying age. He must know enough about finances to know that you can't afford this, much less continual top-ups. I get that it must be uncomfortable when his family and friends from another culture and living in a poorer country assume that he has more resources than he has, but that's not an excuse. He needs to spell it all out plainly, and if they refuse to believe it, they can just think what they like. But if he/you don't have the money, you don't have it. Going into further debt for this wedding would be stupid. You need to start putting yourself first.

Will more of his children likely be marrying, in years to come, or are the others already married? If more marry, will there be a repeat of this situation? What about when/if his children have babies? Will that be cause for more spending? It's all fine to say that it's cultural, but only if he can afford to pay for it himself. I'd be laying down some boundaries around money and leaving him if it looks like he's happy being a drain on your resources.

If you’re struggling for money so badly, you should work more hours. It will help with feeling less “useless” as you say, and give you your own money and a sense of control. I know you say you are ill, but if you don’t qualify for PIP you have to work - it’s the same for everyone.

This is great advise to You OP

You know what? You're right. OP 'could not correctly budget' for a massive event being staged for the benefit of people she does not know, in a faraway country whose culture is vastly different to the one she knows. Silly little woman! Absolutely she should hand all her money over to her Husband to manage - men have bigger brains after all, and aren't governed by volatile emotions as the weaker sex is. The Husband should rule his Household as a King rules his Realm.

Silly, fanciful, capricious little women! What are they like eh? They'll be wanting the vote next!

PS - are you by any chance the resurrected ghost of Scottish theologian John Knox? Because if so I have an idea for the title of your next book.

Contrary to most posters, my two cents:

• He's not financially abusing her, he literally gives her all his wages. So that makes her money the joint money for the household

• OP needs him to support herself since she only works a few hours. So she could be in for the convenience (of not needing to work more) and may be the reason of why she hasn't left.

• OP refers to her savings. Does it mean her wages are to herself to save and his money is joint money? That wouldn't be fair. It should be both depositing wages into joint account, pay bills and rest is joint savings.

• He didn't ask her to go into debt to send him money, she could have just said no and that's it. The most important were the flights and those were already paid. You should never go into debt for something as frivolous as a wedding party, not essential, not life and death situation.

• He likely does still have a wife in Pakistan

• This won't be the first time he will spend. Cultural practice dictates that he has to support his parents and probably even younger brothers.

• Those types of countries (middle east, South Asian and even Latin American countries) believe that people in major countries are rich just for the fact of living there, almost as if the money grows on trees. If you don't agree with this, which is understandably hard, you should separate. There's no future with such different economic views. Both my DH and I are from those countries (different countries each) but we always discuss the money our family back home requests and agree on an amount together.

How do you think the op will fare in this situation? She earns a pittance, he earns the most. If he were insisting she pay her 50% of the bills and then they both keep what's left of their own money people would be calling him financially abusive because he would have more than her at the end of it. The op says herself that she relies on his money.

It sounds like he had no choice really, these things are awful when they come up especially as you don’t get to experience what your money is going towards. Hope you catch a break op

THIS

I don't know if you are foolish or just very kind, OP but this Man is taking You for a total Mug
Not even YOUR Son or YOUR wedding!
I'd show him the kerb when he does come Home, to be Honest.

I don't think that this is necessarily a cultural issue, tbh. The OP is not married to him and is frankly silly to be getting into debt to keep sending him money. Even if they were both white/British, the same situation could arise - i.e. he has to pay towards his sons wedding, can't afford it, is getting them both into debt to do so. It's more a case of a woman allowing herself (and presumably her son depending on his age) to be disadvantaged by the man that she loves.

And whose money will be used to pay back that debt? Given the OP earns sweet FA of it and her dp gives all of his money to the OP chances are it will be his money paying it back. The problem is with the budgeting for this event. If op cannot correctly budget then she needs to tell her dh and start handing her money to him and let him do the family budget.

She is very clearly a vulnerable person, you don't even need to read between the lines, feeling suicidal because she feels she's had to give money to her partner, being coerced by his circumstances is not the actions of someone fully informed of the choice made.

Who are you to decide op can work more hours? You have absolutely no insight to her life and her conditions.
Just because you have ADHD doesn't mean everyone else has the same experience or capability as you, to assume so is ridiculous and to even write that is abelist and discriminatory.

Sadly he will either not have told them that a mere woman is subsidising him or he has told them but they think that's what women are there for and he should be supporting them. When he returns you need to keep all your money separate, if he wants to do the subsidising the elders thing then let him do it, once he's paid his share of your joint living expenses.

If you don't think it's problematic that a man expects his wife to fund his overseas jaunt to his child's wedding, and keep blithely spending despite his wife's severe cashflow problems and mental health difficulties, and refuses to talk to her about it while he's out there, then we can't help you I'm afraid.

And his being Pakistani is very relevant, because it's a conservative and highly patriarchal culture and so the expectation of father funding lavish weddings as part of a patriarchal honour system is very entrenched, and does not mix well with the more egalitarian expectations that western women have.

Ironically many women in conservative cultures recognise the ways that conservative patriarchy harms women. I am from such a culture myself and my grandmother would always tell me never to marry a man from my own culture because he would expect me to be little more than a housemaid and nanny whilst he lived the life of riley. She wanted me to marry a western man, on the basis that I'd have a better chance of entering an egalitarian partnership.