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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No notice AIBU?

303 replies

daisychainsandsummerdays · 13/04/2025 08:50

I’ve been planning a trip to see in-laws who live in Scotland, we live in London.

The plans were loosely made over a couple of weeks ago- but the plan being we would drive up to them - it’s a 7/8 hour drive with our two little ones, 3 and 6.

Yesterday I got a message asking what time would we be arriving …I said not sure exactly.
the next morning I got a message saying need to know when EXACTLY and can we be at there’s by midday!!!
Brother in law had Boole a family photographer and a day off work, other siblings may not be available other days - need to know out plans ASAP!

I replied saying sorry we can’t make it for 12 noon and sorry had no idea BIL had taken day or even if there was a photographer!!!
after a 7 hour drive with two little children - last thing I want to do is get photo’s done. Also wasnt planning on bringing best outfits and haven’t even had my hair done.

so frustrated - feeling like not going at all.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 13/04/2025 16:02

ZZGirl · 13/04/2025 15:43

Why aren't you flying?

Probably because getting to the airport, getting through the airport, one-hour flight, getting through Glasgow airport, getting a taxi to wherever, would take just nearly as long? Plus wrangling two small children? Plus a limit on what you could take, which IIRC is a massive amount of stuff for small children?

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 13/04/2025 16:01

RawBloomers · 13/04/2025 14:07

I get mild annoyance at MiL’s obtuseness over your journey. And at having a family photoshoot thrown in without notice and timing that, even if you could make, would have been difficult and not helped you look your best.

But I don’t get the petulance and “We won’t come then.” over it or over them going ahead with the photos anyway. They clearly fucked up the timing (you seem to imply it’s one of your BiL doing his own thing and steam rolling the others?) and are now going ahead anyway. But so what? Does it matter if you’re not in the photo shoot (that you’re also upset you haven’t prepped for?) Surely, when you live hundreds of miles away and the rest are all within a short drive, they have lots of photos that don’t include you, and lots of memories of times together that don’t include you and lots of bond building that doesn’t include you. That’s normal. Throwing your toys out the pram over this seems like a huge over reaction if, as you say, there’s no drip feed.

Edited

It's the total lack of consideration for the OP's family. I wouldn't take kindly to peremptorily being summoned to a photoshoot in these circumstances and I dare say most people wouldn't. The OP is left feeling that MIL doesn't care whether they are in the photos or not.

Most of us would want to look our best in such a photo too and MIL has not given her son's family the opportunity to get ready.

If I was in this situation and decided not to go, it would be because of the inconsiderate way this has all been handled and the MIL's refusal to even attempt to change the arrangement.

On balance I think I'd go, as I assume the children are looking forward to it and it has the potential to seriously damage the relationship with the ILs.

TwentyTwentyFive · 13/04/2025 15:57

Some of the comments on this thread are beyond obtuse.

Aren't they just.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 13/04/2025 15:53

harriethoyle · 13/04/2025 13:44

Yes - you sound really deliberately awkward and obstructive. Particularly with your threats now not to go at all.

Show quote history

Seriously? That's your take from this? Bizarre.

I wouldn't blame you one bit @daisychainsandsummerdays if you didn't. I'd have hated a photo with ILs anyway. Let them at it! Their complete lack of consideration is appalling, and don't listen to anyone here who tries to tell you different!

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 13/04/2025 15:50

WallaceinAnderland · 13/04/2025 13:37

Your earlier posts were grumbling about not having hair cuts and clothing suitable for a family photo and how it's the last thing you would want after such a long drive. Now they have said you don't have to do it and you're still not happy!

You're completely missing the point!

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 13/04/2025 15:44

Tiswa · 13/04/2025 13:22

I assume it was all booked last minute and yes if you leave early (which as I have said is a lovely way to do a drive and kids sleep) you could make it.

sounds like they realised it was a day there was a chance they could get everyone and went with it

It doesn't sound one bit like that. The OP and her family were an afterthought. No consideration whatsoever for them travelling so far with young children.

Some of the comments on this thread are beyond obtuse.

ZZGirl · 13/04/2025 15:43

Why aren't you flying?

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 13/04/2025 15:40

Pigsears · 13/04/2025 13:00

Why are you so pissed? You said you couldn't make it anyway and we're getting stressed that you couldn't make it...

Are you always this difficult?

I'd say, ok. Understand. How about we arrange another set of photos in the summer?

I don't think the OP is being difficult in the slightest!!

nomas · 13/04/2025 15:35

MissJeanBrodiesmother · 13/04/2025 09:54

Fine to say we won't be able to do those timings. Very rude to then use this as an excuse not to go.

It’s rude to invite people to stay and then change the arrangements last minute.

MIL should have said to BIL that she already has plans with OP’s family and that the family photo date needs to be arranged for a different date.

It’s fine for BIL to have a family photo with his parents, but not fine to make other people feel like shit because they can’t be there and when do they arrive, the relaxing weekend they envisaged has been changed into something else.

Herewegoagain84 · 13/04/2025 15:27

harriethoyle · 13/04/2025 13:44

Yes - you sound really deliberately awkward and obstructive. Particularly with your threats now not to go at all.

Show quote history

Are you the MIL/BIL?!! Of course the OP isn’t being unreasonable - she’s had a totally mental request that she isn’t able to comply with logistically. Being told last minute and then being told they were going ahead anyway is thoughtless, lacks in any planning and doesn’t value the time and effort it will take OP and her family to get there. Of course she can be annoyed. You sound delightful though.

Gustavo77 · 13/04/2025 15:26

daisychainsandsummerdays · 13/04/2025 13:30

@harriethoylemy behaviour?
I replied to a message of when we would be arriving- I could not give an exact time - as if you would know, maybe you don’t, getting two little ones in the car and driving 7 hours from London to Scotland takes a while!

the photoshoot was dropped on us the next day - and make haste and get here BY midday!

so my behaviour is questioned??

seriously?

Actually, yes. You are coming across as being rather truculant.

Gustavo77 · 13/04/2025 15:24

daisychainsandsummerdays · 13/04/2025 09:09

No we can’t go the day before. Both BIL’s live close by to in laws - half hour at the most!!

I’ve said that it’s not possible to do that and we were not aware there was a photographer booked or BIL had taken time off work.

thinking we will stay in London and not go.

ill end up the bad person here no doubt but it feels like what was a trip to see in laws has turned into what BIL wants us to do..

im sad about it but I’m now over it! 😡

That's a bit cheeky an over reaction

Trickabrick · 13/04/2025 15:24

daisychainsandsummerdays · 13/04/2025 12:31

MIL has now messaged to say they aren’t changing the day of the photographer. The family photo will be happening without us.
we won’t get there in time.
so yeah. Left out.

I’d just send a thumbs up emoji. Your in-laws sound odd!

DeclineandFall · 13/04/2025 15:22

Is it a MIL problem or a BIL problem? MY SIL used to make all sorts of ridiculous awkward or undoable arrangements and we would always be made to look like the unreasonable ones. PIL wouldn't cross their daughter so they'd just try to bully us. No visit was never not spoiled by her.
An 8 hour drive with small kids is bad enough and worse if you're going to get there and then get moaned at about not being in in the undobale photo. I'd just not go and say you'll come some other time.
Can you get your DH to phone BIL and find out whats going on?

Iamnotalemming · 13/04/2025 15:19

YANBU to be annoyed about the no notice photography scheme. I think often if you are the family that has moved away, you are expected to make far more effort in terms of visiting than the family that stayed.

But YABU to not go at all because of this nonsense.

IWillAlwaysBeinaClubWithYouin1973 · 13/04/2025 15:18

It's ridiculous to suggest that the OP could or should accommodate this batshittery. OP what are they like generally, do they have form?

Brefugee · 13/04/2025 15:07

I get wanting to know approximately people will arrive - i often drive from Germany to UK (around 12-14 hours depending on traffic/ferries) and if anyone tries to pin me down i say "early evening x date".

If i want to do something and someone is travelling from a long way away, i tell them what i have planned - and we work out how to make it happen with the least amount of stress.

MIL has fallen down here, son in your shoes OP i'd just ignore the fact of photos, not be that interested in hearing about it or seeing them. And just get on with the visit/my life leaving all communication with the ILs up to your DH.

How is he feeling about being left out of a family photo?

Bookloveruk · 13/04/2025 15:03

i travel from England to Scotland regularly. I never give an eta as I’d always be wrong due to traffic which always has a hold up somewhere. I text as I’m leaving and then message when held up. We regularly travel up after work so we sort food ourselves and usually arrive when it’s time to go to bed. Even when I go on train, there is always delays. Last one I was 2hrs late. It’s just the norm now travelling

TheArcher · 13/04/2025 14:57

Why on earth would she book a photographer for the afternoon you are arriving? Ridiculous. You aren’t being unreasonable at all.

craigth162 · 13/04/2025 14:47

daisychainsandsummerdays · 13/04/2025 12:31

MIL has now messaged to say they aren’t changing the day of the photographer. The family photo will be happening without us.
we won’t get there in time.
so yeah. Left out.

Well you've said you're not going anyway now so even if they changed the date you'd miss out on photos.

In laws are being unreasonable though

EveryFlavourJellyBeans · 13/04/2025 14:47

As someone who regularly has to do a similar journey to visit family with DC, you are absolutely not unreasonable.

In laws must be batty to expect you there by 12, or even to demand an ETA. Sometimes our journey takes us 7 hours, sometimes 10 hours. On one particularly awful run it was 12 hours. You can't possibly know in advance when you're going to arrive. Thankfully my family are sensible and completely understand.

I also don't think you're being unreasonable to feel upset about being left out of the photo shoot, even if you weren't prepared for it. It does seem like the family haven't considered your needs at all when setting it up. Is BIL the golden child by any chance?

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 13/04/2025 14:45

safira · 13/04/2025 14:44

Why don't you load up the kids after work the day before and let them sleep in the car? Will be much easier than travelling in the day anyway.

Never worked when I was a kid, couldn't sleep in the car and if I did I'd wake up and throw up.

DD will sleep in the car but she fights it.

So, we travel in the day, because that's what works for us.

Whoarethoseguys · 13/04/2025 14:45

Can't they change the photo shoot day off until the day after?
I can understand them wanting a photo of the whole family. It will be something nice for the in-laws. But the timing is unreasonable.
Don't cancel the trip though. That sounds very petty and unfair of your in laws and your children

safira · 13/04/2025 14:44

Why don't you load up the kids after work the day before and let them sleep in the car? Will be much easier than travelling in the day anyway.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 13/04/2025 14:40

Riaanna · 13/04/2025 14:30

Why are you having this conversation and not your OH…?

My MIL usually messages me because DH works in a hospital and has very little time to check his phone, so she won't get a response until much later on, and if it's around travel plans etc it's usually me making those plans anyway. So she cuts out the middle man.

Also, some of us don't mind talking to the in laws.