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AIBU?

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Original poster

Feeling guilty for not taking DS on holiday

43 replies

Irrationalfear45 · 12/04/2025 22:38

DS 20. At uni. Has tried to get a job but nothing available. I’ve helped him with applications so know he’s tried, but he’s also been ok with living off his student loan and some help from the bank of mum and dad.

Last year we took him on two vacations. A week in a US city and 5 weeks to another long haul destination.

This year DH and I have been on holiday once already without DS and are going on another for the summer. We have not invited DS.

At first I felt perfectly fine with this. He’s an adult. He’s at uni. He’s learning to be independent and manage his loan.

But as our second holiday is approaching I’m starting to feel guilty. We have got lovely plans and DS will not have a holiday this year. He hasn’t been able to save enough for one as his loan and our help have gone on uni and the living expenses.

I feel awful. But equally I work hard all year and value time with DH. DS will need more financial help next year without a job, and I don’t have enough to help him at uni so he has the luxury of not working, and pay for his holidays anymore.

AIBU?

ETA DS is not complaining about not coming. He hasn’t mentioned it. It’s just my personal guilt I’m battling with.

OP posts:
0ohLarLar · 13/04/2025 00:03

Do you live somewhere with a major shortage of jobs? In most places there are more jobs than seekers, especially the sort of lower paid stuff a student can normally get. Has he not even got part time hours?

jelliebelly · 12/04/2025 23:59

Actually I think YABU - why do family holidays have to stop because they are Uni age? My DS is just finishing first year of uni and will be coming on holiday with us in June - I wouldn't dream of just going without inviting him along. He has his whole life ahead of him to find a job and start earning money.

FruitFlyPie · 12/04/2025 23:56

I've always been close to my parents and got along well with them, but at that age I'd have preferred the house to myself rather than go on holidays with them.

Shaniva · 12/04/2025 23:51

Mine have only had one two week holiday in their lives. If they had 2 hols in a year, including a 5 week one, they would consider they'd done very well and wouldn't blink at not having a holiday the next year.

He still has plenty of time to get a summer job.

You could consider taking him away in the UK for a long weekend or giving him a small amount of money to do so himself, depending on whether this would encourage too much "bank of mum and dad" thinking vs being a nice way to connect and show you care, especially if he is struggling.

KeyToTheCity · 12/04/2025 23:39

Why the guilt? If your 20 year old DS is offered the choice of going on holiday with his parents or having the entire house to himself for a week or two, I wonder which would appeal?

pinksquash13 · 12/04/2025 23:37

I would feel guilty too but if he'd got a job he would be able to afford a holiday with friends. Hopefully he'll get a job for summer. Where abouts is he based to not find a pt job? I would try to put the guilt out your mind. You aren't bu and I totally get the need for quality time with DH.

BettyBluey · 12/04/2025 23:31

I would still take mine if they would come at your DS age, without a doubt!

Your ds is too polite to say anything and even if you ask him about it he would make an excuse to not want to come- deep down he does, especially as he had lovely holidays with you last year- he hasn’t ‘changed’ in a few months.

CarpetKnees · 12/04/2025 23:22

I hope he can get something over the summer, it’s very hard at the moment.

The older he gets without ever having worked, the harder it will become.

Why do you think it is hard? Are there particular factors that mean there are no jobs either at home or in his University town ?

Overthebow · 12/04/2025 23:19

Ah I don’t know. Yanbu if that’s what you want, but personally if I was in your situation I’d have one holiday with just DH and the other with DC too. My DC are only young now but I’d like to think when they’re 20 I’ll still like to spend time with them and enjoy holidays with them.

Aussiebear · 12/04/2025 23:16

Enjoy your holiday, at some point some how he has to start earning and paying for his own holidays if he wants one. I'm not saying it to be mean but because independence is the best gift you can give, especially financial self sufficiency

rosyvalentine · 12/04/2025 23:15

No shade OP but I would take my DS (22) on holidays because I want to spend quality time with him, not because I feel guilty if I don't.

Original poster
Irrationalfear45 · 12/04/2025 23:14

CarpetKnees · 12/04/2025 23:08

I might have voted wrong.
YANBU to go on holiday without him
YABU to feel guilty about it - which way is the AIBU ?

However, if he hasn't got himself a job in 6 terms at University, then I suspect he needs his holiday weeks to work to make up for it.

I hope he can get something over the summer, it’s very hard at the moment. He’s applying to work abroad in the US summer 2026, so will need to save for this too and the visa etc. He does need a job.

OP posts:
Original poster
Irrationalfear45 · 12/04/2025 23:12

nightmarepickle2025 · 12/04/2025 23:03

Is your husband not his father?

Yes he is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Irrationalfear45 · 12/04/2025 23:12

Rocknrollstar · 12/04/2025 23:00

Sorry but he is 20 and at uni. It is no longer your responsibility to provide vacations for him. Perhaps you could pay him to do some jobs round the house while you are away?

Good idea.

OP posts:
CarpetKnees · 12/04/2025 23:08

I might have voted wrong.
YANBU to go on holiday without him
YABU to feel guilty about it - which way is the AIBU ?

However, if he hasn't got himself a job in 6 terms at University, then I suspect he needs his holiday weeks to work to make up for it.

herbalteabag · 12/04/2025 23:06

I don't think you should worry. He's 20 and hasn't even mentioned it, and he has his whole life to go on holidays. He might even be looking forward to having the house to himself!

nightmarepickle2025 · 12/04/2025 23:03

Is your husband not his father?

Rocknrollstar · 12/04/2025 23:00

Sorry but he is 20 and at uni. It is no longer your responsibility to provide vacations for him. Perhaps you could pay him to do some jobs round the house while you are away?