Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday meal invitation

92 replies

Nonsense10 · 12/04/2025 21:06

We have all been invited to a birthday meal out. Usually I would always make an effort despite the lack of effort of inclusion at other times from my OH's family.

However, it is at a restaurant that only sells one type of food which none of us like so declined going. Just stated we had plans already (invitation was short notice too). The restaurant also has very poor reviews.

OH has been receiving messages from his parents and siblings that we should be changing our plans.

Are we being unreasonable not to attend? The place charges per person at the table so we couldn't even just go for a drink.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
WeekendFreedom · 13/04/2025 17:40

Crackanut · 13/04/2025 17:16

This level of pettiness is what's ruining Mumsnet. Why on earth does it matter? Posts like this are ridiculous and exhausting.

Show quote history

How is it petty trying to clarify what OP meant?

Original poster
Nonsense10 · 13/04/2025 17:21

MiddleClassProblem · 13/04/2025 15:29

I think OP has been clear in that they are invited to some stuff but not most things.

I think OP has also been clear that they do not want to go making the original AIBU redundant.

There are people you are close to that you would say sod it I will go just to be with you. These are not those people. And it’s OH’s family and he is not bothered at all.

It is what it is. They can feel upset you’re not going but you don’t have to go. You just have to accept that they might feel like that. I would probably say it as “so sorry we can’t come this time” so you might still get future invites (if you want them).

I was happy to go and happy to change plans, until they announced where they were going 🤷‍♀️

I was polite in my response and said hopefully next time

OP posts:
Crackanut · 13/04/2025 17:16

WeekendFreedom · 13/04/2025 09:52

attending things that we are invited to. Which I've already said. I also don't think it implies I get invited to things, I've already explained what we do get invited to.

It doesn’t imply you get invited to things, you’re literally saying you are invited to some things! Not everything but somethings. You can see how your messages might be confusing? You say you don’t get invited but then in the next breath you say you do get invited

Show quote history

This level of pettiness is what's ruining Mumsnet. Why on earth does it matter? Posts like this are ridiculous and exhausting.

nomas · 13/04/2025 15:43

Eldermillennialmum · 13/04/2025 11:25

Is there really nothing on the menu you would eat? I recently went to a family meal where what I could eat was limited as I had a temporarily restricted diet but I went because it's my family member I wanted to celebrate with.

You just don't want to go which is fair enough but the excuses make you sound like hard work.

Having other plans is a reason, not an excuse.

CountryQueen · 13/04/2025 15:42

CurlewKate · 13/04/2025 14:16

Yes. What I haven’t heard of is an entire family of 4 (I think) who don’t like any Chinese food at all. Or anyone who thinks a Chinese restaurant is “outing”.

Show quote history

Weird, I know a few people who don’t like any of the Chinese dishes they’ve tried, several who don’t like rice/noodles. I know many many children who only ate very plain diets when they were young.

I wouldn’t pay for a Chinese buffet with bad reviews and reports of it being luke warm and I definitely wouldn’t allow my children to.

MiddleClassProblem · 13/04/2025 15:29

I think OP has been clear in that they are invited to some stuff but not most things.

I think OP has also been clear that they do not want to go making the original AIBU redundant.

There are people you are close to that you would say sod it I will go just to be with you. These are not those people. And it’s OH’s family and he is not bothered at all.

It is what it is. They can feel upset you’re not going but you don’t have to go. You just have to accept that they might feel like that. I would probably say it as “so sorry we can’t come this time” so you might still get future invites (if you want them).

CurlewKate · 13/04/2025 14:16

CountryQueen · 13/04/2025 14:08

Have people really never heard of a Chinese all you can eat buffet?

Yes. What I haven’t heard of is an entire family of 4 (I think) who don’t like any Chinese food at all. Or anyone who thinks a Chinese restaurant is “outing”.

CountryQueen · 13/04/2025 14:08

Have people really never heard of a Chinese all you can eat buffet?

MrPrehistoric · 13/04/2025 11:31

I think that sounds perfectly reasonable. Just stay firm that you already have plans. Go for a day out if you have to!

Original poster
Nonsense10 · 13/04/2025 11:30

Eldermillennialmum · 13/04/2025 11:25

Is there really nothing on the menu you would eat? I recently went to a family meal where what I could eat was limited as I had a temporarily restricted diet but I went because it's my family member I wanted to celebrate with.

You just don't want to go which is fair enough but the excuses make you sound like hard work.

There is no menu. It's a buffet, all you can eat, one type of cuisine with limited options. You can't order anything. On top of that, very poor reviews with people saying they've been very poorly after eating there recently.

There is no "excuse". We have plans. Yes we could change them, but we also don't like the food.

OP posts:
AlanShore · 13/04/2025 11:25

Nonsense10 · 12/04/2025 22:12

We do already have plans. We had plans before the invitation.

Not liking the food wouldn't be a good enough reason for them either. Why would we sit and pay for food we aren't going to eat? We also have children who wouldn't eat the type of food.

I hope they do have a good time, just like every other time they all get together but don't invite any of us along.

Show quote history

Fuck them then.

Eldermillennialmum · 13/04/2025 11:25

Is there really nothing on the menu you would eat? I recently went to a family meal where what I could eat was limited as I had a temporarily restricted diet but I went because it's my family member I wanted to celebrate with.

You just don't want to go which is fair enough but the excuses make you sound like hard work.

Hoppinggreen · 13/04/2025 11:23

If you already have plans then thats that, they type/quality of food is irrelevant

Original poster
Nonsense10 · 13/04/2025 11:22

CurlewKate · 13/04/2025 11:11

@Nonsense10Then why all the tedious secrecy? “My in-laws, who know we’re vegetarian, have organized a birthday lunch at Hawksmoor. Would we be unreasonable to decline because there is nothing on the menu we can eat?”
All of Mumsnet, (apart from the few loons who always say “You should eat meat to be polite-it won’t hurt you just this once”) “Of course you’re being reasonable- and make sure you explain why. They’ve either forgotten-although strange to forget that your own son is a vegetarian-, or they are dickheads.”

There are non vegetarian options available. We just don't like the cuisine. Me being vegetarian had absolutely nothing to do with it so it wasn't necessary to mention it 🤷‍♀️ no tedious secrecy.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 13/04/2025 11:11

@Nonsense10Then why all the tedious secrecy? “My in-laws, who know we’re vegetarian, have organized a birthday lunch at Hawksmoor. Would we be unreasonable to decline because there is nothing on the menu we can eat?”
All of Mumsnet, (apart from the few loons who always say “You should eat meat to be polite-it won’t hurt you just this once”) “Of course you’re being reasonable- and make sure you explain why. They’ve either forgotten-although strange to forget that your own son is a vegetarian-, or they are dickheads.”

Original poster
Nonsense10 · 13/04/2025 11:05

CandyCane457 · 13/04/2025 10:52

Have you got any updates on this OP?
Did you reply and tell them sorry, you’ve made plans?

I told them we couldn't attend as we already had plans. OH is ignoring them

OP posts:
CandyCane457 · 13/04/2025 10:52

Have you got any updates on this OP?
Did you reply and tell them sorry, you’ve made plans?

Original poster
Nonsense10 · 13/04/2025 10:48

@curlewkate I am actually 😂

@vandelier wow sorry for using the pronoun I. That's because it's me who has tried to continue a relationship with his side of the family. That's what he wants whilst not wanting anything to do with them at all. He doesn't want us to go either as he knows we don't like the food, just like he doesn't.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 13/04/2025 10:35

@SeventeenClovesOfGarlic I would put money on the OP not being a vegetarian!

vandelier · 13/04/2025 10:15

There is a lot of "I" in your posts.

Are you and DH on the same page about this? If neither of you wants to go/can't go then that's OK. Let him explain as it's his family.

I'm a great believer in not doing things when I know I won't enjoy the occasion. A polite decline + gift and card is usually appreciated though and I'd always do that. - if the occasion warrants it that is!

Original poster
Nonsense10 · 13/04/2025 10:07

Maddy70 · 13/04/2025 09:53

But it's their choice of restaurant because it's their birthday. If there is only one food to eat there suitable for you then you suck it up and have that. Or just order a plate of chips.

Show quote history

You can't order anything.

None of us like it and no I'm not willing to waste money on sitting there not eating anything. Bum on a seat = having to pay the price they've stated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nonsense10 · 13/04/2025 10:06

WeekendFreedom · 13/04/2025 09:52

attending things that we are invited to. Which I've already said. I also don't think it implies I get invited to things, I've already explained what we do get invited to.

It doesn’t imply you get invited to things, you’re literally saying you are invited to some things! Not everything but somethings. You can see how your messages might be confusing? You say you don’t get invited but then in the next breath you say you do get invited

Show quote history

You're twisting what I'm saying and refusing to read properly.

We get invited to BIRTHDAY MEALS for significant birthdays. That is it. We don't get invited to the days out they all do together, meals out, general get togethers, holidays, days out. I'm not really sure what you're not uunderstanding. I don't think I could be any clearer. When we do get invited to these birthday meals, then I would make an effort to attend.

OP posts:
SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 13/04/2025 09:59

Maddy70 · 13/04/2025 09:53

But it's their choice of restaurant because it's their birthday. If there is only one food to eat there suitable for you then you suck it up and have that. Or just order a plate of chips.

Show quote history

I was referring to your comment: 'I'm very sure their is something you can eat from there. You're being pretentious'

Often there is nothing some people want to eat on menus. Why would anyone want to put on nice clothes, drive, just to eat chips when I can do that for (essentially) free in the comfort of my home?
If the birthday person wants guests they should pick a better location.

PinkGiraffe1 · 13/04/2025 09:54

Sounds like Japanese/Sushi bar where the food goes round on a central conveyor belt type thing. I don't mind Sushi but wouldn't eat at this type of restaurant as I've known people get ill. My kids certainly wouldn't like this type of food.

Have you or your DH ever asked why you're not invited to other events/get togethers? Why just birthdays?

Maddy70 · 13/04/2025 09:53

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 13/04/2025 09:19

@Maddy70 @CurlewKate try being vegetarian and going to a restaurant and the one thing on the menu is a gross fake meat vegan burger/ butternut squash risotto or beetroot and goat cheese.
Everyone else has a choice of at least ten other things, we get one crap offering as an afterthought. It's unenjoyable.

I've been with my husband for 20 years and don't consider his relatives my family. They're nice, I see them once a year, I don't involve myself in their organising or gifts.
Wouldn't give it a moment of thought OP, your husband can reply to their messages.

Edited

But it's their choice of restaurant because it's their birthday. If there is only one food to eat there suitable for you then you suck it up and have that. Or just order a plate of chips.

Swipe left for the next trending thread