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AIBU?

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Original poster

DS 25 has never spent a night away from either myself or DH since 2016

37 replies

MyBrightGoose · 12/04/2025 16:56

DS is 25 and has ASD, it just dawned on recently that DS has never spent a night away from either myself or DH since 2016, which was when he went on a school trip in sixth form for 5 days. DS has a degree and works full time and has always lived at home. DS has never had a relationship and has no friends.
The only holidays DS has gone on are family holidays, in separate rooms but in the same hotel since he was a teenager.

I have started to wonder whether DH and I have babied him too much as an adult? Recently he went to a local shopping centre which involves a 30 minute train journey, I would ask DS to text me when he has got to the shopping centre. Also, DS texts me every time he gets to work so I know he has got to work safely. Because of this routine we have developed, if one day he forgot to text me my mind would instantly be worrying about whether he has been a car accident. His commute to work is only a 25 minute car journey. I just wonder whether am I right to think this? Compare this to a friends son around the same as DS who has been working/exploring Australia for the past 6 months, just him and his girlfriend.

I just wondered does anyone know any adult DC in a similar situation to my DS?

OP posts:
BreatheAndFocus · 12/04/2025 17:32

In all honesty, yes, it sounds like you have. Gradually stop the work texts until he only texts if something is different, eg he’ll be working late or his car is sounding funny or whatever. I think you might be limiting his life inadvertently. Encourage him to become more independent and to go out a bit, eg a club or class by himself.

IKnowAristotle · 12/04/2025 17:24

My son is only 11 and it's very hard to know what level of independence he's capable of. He is in scouts so he's been able to have nights away camping in an environment I know appropriate help would be available.

I can easily see how this routine of "checking" would develop. However as you know he has been independently driving to work for sometime it would be worth having a conversation to see if he is happy to stop that.

ohtowinthelottery · 12/04/2025 17:15

My DS is a couple of years older than yours and also has an ASD diagnosis. Hell would freeze over before he would text me with his wearabouts like yours does. He does text to let me know he's arrived when travelling abroad but would never do it in this country. But he lived away for Uni and it was easier then to work on the basis of 'no news is good news'. I actually found that I worried more when he moved back home after Uni as I knew when he was out, but I didn't make him message me and if I'd tried to I'd have got short shrift! He's now got his own house so I once again don't know where he is and wwhen.Doesn't stop me worrying but that's my problem not his.

ohcrikeynotagain · 12/04/2025 17:09

i think you need to undo the apron strings a bit (lot). As a minimum don't have him text you. you will know soon enough if something horrible has happened.

If it's your anxiety that's the issue then perhaps you need help for that?

Could you get something like Life 360 (and then don't look at it!). Although all that will do is have you know where the horrible thing has happened...

I think it's reasonable for you to have him text you if he's going to be late for tea if he's usually present for meals.

Does he shop/cook/do his washing/clean? If not he needs to be doing that as well.

To ease him into independence could you and DH go away for a night or two and leave him to it? Presume he can look the doors/take care of pets/turn the oven off etc etc?

Dontletthebedbugsbite2 · 12/04/2025 17:06

If everyone is happy with the set up it's absolutely fine. If one party isn't then it's time to have a conversation about changing things. My worry would be you have made your DS too reliant on you & he will struggle to cope should you become unwell etc. For that reason alone I would encourage him to be a bit more independent.

noideawhichname · 12/04/2025 17:06

Its hard to say with ASD. I have a 12 year old with ASD, and he doesn’t text me when he gets to school/back (30 minutes train journey). But he is very reliable/would absolutely call me at the first sign of trouble.
But i don’t think he‘ll ever explore australia on his own.
I think you’ll need to find your own “right”, which is somewhere between the extremes.

MaryPoppinsAtAll · 12/04/2025 17:06

I know two men who stayed at home for their entire adult lives and were very happy. I worried about what would happen when their parents were gone. In the end, the men looked after the parents beautifully in their old age, and then died peacefully at home themselves shortly afterwards. I think they had happy lives.

MaryPoppinsAtAll · 12/04/2025 17:04

I think if he wasn't happy, he wouldn't do it. I was like that until I was 22 but then I very very definitely had to leave home. The moment just came when I had to leave. Maybe he hasn't reached that, and maybe he won't?

QuillBill · 12/04/2025 17:03

It’s not a situation I can imagine to be honest. I have never suggested to my adult dc that they might die on an everyday journey. My 21 year old is at university and we FaceTime once a week on average and text occasionally throughout the week.

Both my dc went clubbing often as soon as they were eighteen and I did worry about that but I didn’t discourage it. I’ve never asked them to contact me when they are out having a good time with their friends.

nahthatsnotforme · 12/04/2025 17:01

I can’t imagine many men would go along with that and would have rebelled years ago. Is it the ASD that makes him compliant?

MissJeanBrodiesmother · 12/04/2025 16:59

Maybe. It is hard to say without knowing how affected he is by his autism. Does he need this level of support or not?

lnks · 12/04/2025 16:58

Your second paragraph would seem to suggest that you have