DS 25 has never spent a night away from either myself or DH since 2016

Another thought.
You may need to work up to it, but maybe he would consider a group holiday in time?

This.
I think you should help him build some independence and then he can take it from there
If he wants. Find Me is a useful application for tracking someone's whereabouts for your own peace of mind, and you can say its for the purpose of finding his phone if lost.

@FortyElephantswhat a horrible post - just leave

Sorry I haven’t read the full thread but would be over the moon of my son with asd went to uni or drove himself to work or indeed has a job. So I wouldn’t sweat this - I think it’s fine

Asking him to text you when he gets to work is too much,
Your own anxiety is being pushed over to him
My own mother was / is very anxious and even being around her and seeing her hyper reactions to everything makes me feel extremely anxious

My DD has adhd and autism. A number of students at her uni had autism, only one lived at home and she moved into halls for one year to experience living on her own with her family close by.

if he is bright enough to go to uni then he is almost certainly bright enough to live on his own and start to establish a social life.

my DD found the neurodiverse society at her uni very useful and made lots of friends there. Her second year flat had only one non autistic person in it.

Unless he has learning difficulties (which can happen alongside autism, and isn't clear in your OP how disabled he is) then yes, you're overprotective.

It's actually really damaging to mental health to have overprotective parents - the outcomes can be really bad for adults who were overprotected as kids.

Can you encourage more independence from him? Does he have a gf or bf?

What is your long term plan?

Can you help DS work towards living an independent life?

Or will he need to live in an independent living community when you are no longer able to care for him?

I work with adults who use care services. And I have worked with quite a few families in your situation OP but 30 years down the line. When the parents are starting to contingency plan about how their adult ASD child is going to manage when they’re no longer able to provide that low level of care.

It sounds like you son has a great level of independence and I’m sure even if he lived alone he’d manage well, perhaps with some support depending on what you do for him with managing his day to day.

Have you ever spoke to him about what he would like to do in the future? How does he see his life?

Personally I’ve always wondered with some of the people I’ve worked with if maybe the parents should have worked with their son, for some reason it has always been sons, to encourage a level of independence so the their support doesn’t end up dropping off suddenly one day due to health etc.

Seperately, my SIL as ASD, she went to uni as far away from her mum as she could, but needed a PA for the support her mum provided. She stayed in her uni town, has rented a house, with support of her PA. Unfortunately she’s never found paid employement but she fills her time with volunteering. She has never been interested in friends or relationships but seems to be loving a fulfilling life.

My ds is only 8 but has asd I can imagine a similar situation when he is older. A scaffolded adulthood. Your ds hasn’t gone away because he doesn’t have any one to go with not because you baby him. If he’s happy and coping I’d say well done.

My nephew is the same but is 30.

However, the only time he texts when he has got to work is when the weather is bad.

despite much encouragement he only goes out with his parents or his sister. He is a very happy and contented chap though. He has no specific friends but will happily chat to family and colleagues and doesn't seem to worry about not having friends.

My DS is a couple of years older than yours and has an ASD diagnosis.
Him leaving to go to university was the most traumatic experience for me but the best thing ever for him.

I appreciate that ship has sailed for you but was it not something you and your DS considered?

I don’t understand why, if he is capable of holding down a job and a driving license why he is required to check in with you all the time. Is this your anxiety or his?

No, not if he has a disability that means he finds it difficult to cope. It's sad that he doesn't have other relationships but I assume that's something that can't be helped. Whatever supports him best.

I think recognition as an issue and starting to encourage more independence. I’d worry what will happen when you can no longer support him.
Would he be open to any hobbies. I’m thinking on the lines of volunteering with scouts which would be supportive atmosphere.

Possibly but it depends on if either party feels it is. Maybe slightly break it apart with no text to say safe at work and build it from there ....

Limit texts re work journey for exceptions, so if going to be late home.

How independent is he with cooking and cleaning?

A relative’s adult son still lives at home and he in his 50s. His mum still cooks his meals and does his laundry. He has a job and is fully capable of looking after himself but his mum still wants to mother him. It’s not great

My 15 year old ASD walks to school on his own. He can't do mainstream so is more disabled than yours (couldn't possibly have a degree, will go into protected training/work soon). If he can take the bus on his own (after having taken the same route with le several times) and walk to school and back without me worrying then I do think you are too anxious about your son and that your anxiety has taught him that you don't trust him so why would he trust himself ?

@MyBrightGoose

But he's managed to complete a degree so that's pretty incredible

What makes you think, considering the above, he isn't capable of a lot more?

I think it's time (well overdue in fact) for you to say to your DS that you have realised you are overly anxious and it would be healthy for you to let go a bit. Instead of texting to tell you he has arrived at work how about letting you know when he is setting off for home? Ditto a trip to the shopping centre. Then stretch that to you only needing to know if he's unexpectedly delayed.

If he's not already doing so, give him some independence at home - shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. Treat him more as an equal family member. Then why not go away for a night/weekend with your DH? If you are holidaying together, who decides where and when you are going? Encourage him to develop any interests he has, where he might meet more people nearer his age.

I'm not sure if this limited life is for his comfort or your's.

Maybe try and work towards only texting in the event of reporting the unexpected, rather than the expected? So only if there is a delay or issue. Then try and go on the assumptuon that no news is essentually good news (meaning nothing unexpexted has occured and all is ok).

I'd worry that the requirement to text as frequently as he does to reassure you, could possibly undermine his confidence in his own abilities, which could hold him back, even if it’s subconscious.

This isn't ok, you must get help to learn to cope with your anxiety, and your DS also needs help to reset his relationship with you.

Why would he be in a csr accident? Unless his driving is impacted by ASD?

How is her DS supposed to know that he's been held back by his anxious mother? This is all he knows. He doesn't know what he's capable of.

You have held him back because of your own anxiety. You haven't done him any favours.

You need to separate habit from need.

Like the texting when he is at work... why? Is he liable to get lost? Or have some other crisis? He's able to drive himself and have a job, so obviously capable of some independence.

Can he cook, clean and do personal hygiene without a reminder? Or does he need structure or help from a carer.