Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think cheating is understandable if your partner lets themselves go completely?

215 replies

MyFirmQuoter · 12/04/2025 16:04

Obviously cheating isn’t ideal but if someone stops trying - gains loads of weight, doesn’t shower regularly, doesn’t make any effort - is it really that shocking if their partner looks elsewhere? AIBU or just being honest about human nature?

OP posts:
Original poster
MyFirmQuoter · 12/04/2025 16:26

FidosMum84 · 12/04/2025 16:18

Absolutely no excuse for cheating. Ever.
If you’re unhappy then leave.
If your partner has ‘let themselves go’ as you call it, there’s sometimes a reason- pregnancy, health problems etc. If that’s the case and you love them you should be supportive or at least not be a dick and cheat when she’s just given birth.
Or if he’s having a really hard time and his mental health is suffering.
If you’re only interested in someone’s looks then you probably shouldn’t be with them anyway. What happens when you both age? Works both ways.

I agree that cheating isn’t the right solution and I never said it was excusable. What I was exploring is understandability not justification.

Of course there are valid reasons someone might change physically - illness, mh, pregnancy, all of that. And if there’s love and communication, those things can be worked through.

But sometimes, people stop trying altogether - physically, emotionally, relationally - and that disconnection can go both ways. It’s not about perfection or clinging to youthful looks forever. It’s about effort and reciprocity. And when one person feels totally checked out, it can lead the other to disconnect too, not always in the healthiest way.

I just think these things are more complicated than “if you’re unhappy, leave.” Relationships often unravel long before anyone walks away.

OP posts:
Winifredtabago · 12/04/2025 16:26

MyFirmQuoter · 12/04/2025 16:21

No, of course there wasn’t and I don’t think love or commitment should be based purely on appearance.

But I do think mutual effort matters - physically, emotionally, mentally. It’s not about staying a certain size or ticking a box but about continuing to show up for your partner and for yourself.

When someone completely lets themselves go, to the point that hygiene, self-respect or basic care disappears, it can shift the dynamic in really hard ways. That’s not about vanity… it’s about connection, attraction, and effort going both ways.

Show quote history

So have you spoken to them about their lack of hygiene and basic care?

BlueskyCherrytrees · 12/04/2025 16:24

MyFirmQuoter · 12/04/2025 16:21

No, of course there wasn’t and I don’t think love or commitment should be based purely on appearance.

But I do think mutual effort matters - physically, emotionally, mentally. It’s not about staying a certain size or ticking a box but about continuing to show up for your partner and for yourself.

When someone completely lets themselves go, to the point that hygiene, self-respect or basic care disappears, it can shift the dynamic in really hard ways. That’s not about vanity… it’s about connection, attraction, and effort going both ways.

Show quote history

But so often “showing up for your partner” means that one partner has plenty of time to go to the gym and the other partner is holding the household together, carrying the mental load and doing all the child care.

Showing up for your partner is about more than just looking nice.

Scentbird · 12/04/2025 16:22

MyFirmQuoter · 12/04/2025 16:18

In an ideal world, yes, if your needs aren’t being met and communication fails, you leave. And I agree that cheating isn’t the right solution.

But I also think a lot of people don’t leave straight away - they stay hoping things will improve, or they feel guilty, stuck, or emotionally conflicted. That’s not to justify cheating but it’s to say that human behaviour isn’t always as black and white as we’d like it to be.

Show quote history

So things are that bad it justifies cheating.

But not that bad it’s worth leaving.

But it is worth lying and humiliating your partner. Gaslighting them. Removing their freely given consent to being in the relationship and so on.

No it’s not justifiable. It’s abusive. And let’s call it what it is. It’s selfishness. You dont care or respect your partner if you cheat. You can’t.

Because you want to change a fundamental basis of the relationship, but don’t want to hide it from them. People who cheat just want to fuck someone else and keep what they already have regardless of the consequences to anyone else

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 12/04/2025 16:22

Oh please...

MarkingBad · 12/04/2025 16:21

If you love them you try and help and understand what's going on.

If you have fallen out of love with them because they have "let themselves go", then you are a shallow cunt who needs to fuck off because it's probably you who caused this in the first place.

Is that the level of froth you were hoping for?

BlueskyCherrytrees · 12/04/2025 16:21

“For better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health”

There’s a reason those words are in the marriage vows.

if you are married you promised (and in fact signed a contract) that you loved them enough that “worse, poorer and sickness” wouldn’t stop you loving them.

I hate the drama that’s made over hen nights, dresses and chair covers - this is what people getting married should be concentrating on, “can we really keep those promises?”

And if one day after many years the answer is sadly “no”, then you leave, not cheat.

Original poster
MyFirmQuoter · 12/04/2025 16:21

MistyMoistyMorningCloud · 12/04/2025 16:15

Another question, when you got married was one of your vows that each should maintain themselves in a specific physical condition?

No, of course there wasn’t and I don’t think love or commitment should be based purely on appearance.

But I do think mutual effort matters - physically, emotionally, mentally. It’s not about staying a certain size or ticking a box but about continuing to show up for your partner and for yourself.

When someone completely lets themselves go, to the point that hygiene, self-respect or basic care disappears, it can shift the dynamic in really hard ways. That’s not about vanity… it’s about connection, attraction, and effort going both ways.

OP posts:
Rainingalldayonmyhead · 12/04/2025 16:19

WTAF. Are we Seriousky saying it’s okay to cheat as defined by physical appearance? Holy cow. What if a partner got sick and looked ‘awful’?

No it isn’t okay and absolutely horrid to create a grey area.

Don’t like it then talk to your partner rather than selfishly embarking on a humiliating, embarrassing devastating road for your partner.

There isn’t any circumstance where this is okay maybe save someone holding a gun to your head. An actual gun - that is the level of black and white that should be applied here.

Sorry to say but anyone who sees a grey should seriously question their own morals and values.

FidosMum84 · 12/04/2025 16:18

Absolutely no excuse for cheating. Ever.
If you’re unhappy then leave.
If your partner has ‘let themselves go’ as you call it, there’s sometimes a reason- pregnancy, health problems etc. If that’s the case and you love them you should be supportive or at least not be a dick and cheat when she’s just given birth.
Or if he’s having a really hard time and his mental health is suffering.
If you’re only interested in someone’s looks then you probably shouldn’t be with them anyway. What happens when you both age? Works both ways.

outerspacepotato · 12/04/2025 16:18

Gaining lots of weight could well be a physical health issue. Not showering indicates mental health issues. I'd insist my spouse see a doctor for physical and mental health screening, not fucking cheat. That's an asshole move.

If they did have physical or mental health issues that they refused to treat, I would separate and seek divorce.

WinterFoxes · 12/04/2025 16:18

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 12/04/2025 16:11

The cheater probably put them in that state with their constant demands in the first place. Always the selfish ones.

I often wonder this. When one partner gains weight and the other stays fit, it makes me wonder if they are comfort eating due to unhappiness and neglect in the marriage.

OP, no, it's better to leave than to cheat. But I think it's fair to ask a partner why they no longer make an effort and find out if they are no longer attracted to their spouse. If they are, but have neglected themselves for other reasons (caring for others, too much to do, illness etc) the loving thing to do would be to support them in making time for themselves and prioritising their self care.

Original poster
MyFirmQuoter · 12/04/2025 16:18

arethereanyleftatall · 12/04/2025 16:11

Surely you just leave the relationship?

In an ideal world, yes, if your needs aren’t being met and communication fails, you leave. And I agree that cheating isn’t the right solution.

But I also think a lot of people don’t leave straight away - they stay hoping things will improve, or they feel guilty, stuck, or emotionally conflicted. That’s not to justify cheating but it’s to say that human behaviour isn’t always as black and white as we’d like it to be.

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 12/04/2025 16:17

Leave or help them address the problem. It’s no excuse for cheating.

amber763 · 12/04/2025 16:17

MyFirmQuoter · 12/04/2025 16:15

Not at all, I don’t think love is just about the physical but I do think physical connection and mutual attraction matter in a long-term relationship.

If one partner completely stops making any effort - physically, emotionally, or even in basic self-care - it can start to feel like they’ve checked out. That doesn’t excuse cheating but I can understand how resentment or distance builds when the dynamic shifts that much. It’s more about the pattern of disconnection than just looks.

Show quote history

Again though, if talking to their partner about this doesn't help, then the unhappy party should leave. It doesn't excuse cheating.

WallaceinAnderland · 12/04/2025 16:16

You go straight to cheating? Why not just split up? You need to explain your reasoning here OP. If you don't love them, let them go.

AdoraBell · 12/04/2025 16:16

YABU, if the marriage/relationship isn’t working then leave.

PrettayGood · 12/04/2025 16:15

Perfectly understandable to go off someone. No excuse to cheat. Separating first is the decent thing to do.

Original poster
MyFirmQuoter · 12/04/2025 16:15

MistyMoistyMorningCloud · 12/04/2025 16:09

Do you think that love is just about the physical being?

Not at all, I don’t think love is just about the physical but I do think physical connection and mutual attraction matter in a long-term relationship.

If one partner completely stops making any effort - physically, emotionally, or even in basic self-care - it can start to feel like they’ve checked out. That doesn’t excuse cheating but I can understand how resentment or distance builds when the dynamic shifts that much. It’s more about the pattern of disconnection than just looks.

OP posts:
IntheSpaghetti · 12/04/2025 16:15

Rage-bait post.

MistyMoistyMorningCloud · 12/04/2025 16:15

Another question, when you got married was one of your vows that each should maintain themselves in a specific physical condition?

AbsolutelyZero · 12/04/2025 16:15

It’s not surprising if they a) speak to their partner about the issue and b) leave if they don’t change. Cheating is a dick-move and trying to blame the other person makes it even worse.

333FionaG · 12/04/2025 16:14

The person who has let themselves go might have depression or anxiety issues. Be compassionate and find out what’s wrong before you shag someone else.

Chinapattern · 12/04/2025 16:14

Leave them, none of that is an excuse to cheat.

Scentbird · 12/04/2025 16:13

No. Not at all.

You could just leave.