To think cheating is understandable if your partner lets themselves go completely?

@Radarro no, she expected him to stay the same . I think she’s getting her needs met elsewhere and I don’t blame her . Not everyone wants to have 50/50 family time with her kids and being stuck in a sexless marriage must be tough .

@MyFirmQuoter 🤡 👑

Err, nope, not complicated. As many, many others have already said, if you are so shallow that you can't be attracted to your partner because of some physical thing, or even a health issue that is causing them to neglect themselves - and not because they are abusing you, then it's clearly not love and you should go.

When you say making no effort, now if you mean they don't make an effort to talk to you, care for you that is different. It still would never excuse cheating tho, but in that case I would say walk away. I would walk swaying that instance.

In this case though, if as I assume, they haven't emotionally.checked out, then no I personally wouldn't leave if I loved someone not at all, not if it were purely a physical thing and emotionally they were still "there" for me. If they had emotionally checked out and had a mental health issue I would stay and support of course, but if it was just a lack of effort, I would leave.

Love is supposed to be difference between wanting to shag someone because you fancy them and being willing to be with someone if they became bald, even if your prior preference were for men with hair, or fat if your preference were for muscular men, or if they had an accident that meant say they became an amputee and needed your help and care. You likely wouldn't stay with just a shag, or even in a relationship where it wasn't love, if those things, with that context happened.

But you would if it were actually love. Sounds like it's either not love, therefore you should do your partner (and yourself ) a favour leave, or that you are trying to rationalise having your cake and eating it. It's not complicated actually.

It is emotionally loaded because of the sheer and utter devastation it can cause. Not just to one person but to both people, the third person and in many cases wider friends and family.

When someone tells you an affair has blown up their life, that is quite literal. It's not that cheaters always get away without consequences, they don't, the knock on effect can last decades for all involved.

It's often something that people who cheat don't think about. They experience jealousy they probably never felt before usually int he form of if I can get away with this so can my spouse. The arguments, the stress of keeping secrets. The worry someone somewhere knows something, that the third person will mention it to someone etc. Family and colleagues will get suspicions, the person having an affair changes usually for the worse.

Keeping secrets is incredibly bad for your mental health.

So for their own peace of mind not just their spouses, leaving is preferable to cheating.

This is from someone who had a serial cheater as an LTP and who even went on to accept it. Wrong thing to do, his jealousy of me was astonishing, he came to hate me for allowing it and then leaving him. From mutual friends he still doesn't forgive me for any of it and I never once took another partner. The damage it did to us both makes a truth of the saying that old sins cast long shadows.

No, it's not a reason, it's an excuse for a pathetic individual who has no respect for themselves or their partner. If things aren't working leave first. It's quite simple really.

You've given many reasons for your thoughts, but almost no-one agrees with you. Your excuses are just excuses, or cowardice, or laziness. But they are not justifications. Leaving, not cheating, is the correct answer.

Gaining weight, not showering as much and "letting go" aren't aren't relational predictors of cheating. You know what is? A cheat.

I can't stand them. Utterly pathetic low minded creatures, no basic sense of honour, placing no value on human relationships.

If you or someone else thought this was a reason to cheat, take a look in the mirror, do the honest thing and end it. They'd be well rid of you if your love is that shallow anyway.

I think it’s possible to hold space for both: that cheating is wrong and that relationship don’t usually fall apart in a vacuum. Exploring that doesn’t mean excusing it.

I think that if you want to explore what’s going on when rekationship fall apart, a good starting point is to NOT pin that down on ONE and only reason or partner. The reasons are likely multi factorial.

So your person (and I’m pretty sure you’re thinking the woman there) who has gained lots of weight, isn’t taking care of her appearance, does she have a supportive partner that will step up, wo bring asked, so she can go agd exercise? One that gets up at night so she can get uninterrupted sleep?
Are they both able to communicate their needs? And do they listen to each other rather than taking each other for granted?

I dint believe that when cheating happens or relationships break down, there is ONE person at fault. Pointing fingers and shaming one person doesn’t help anyone.

I do think that cheating shows a certain level of morals or rather lack of.
Most people have massive hesitations before leaving. It doesn’t mean they then cheat.
And a lot of cheaters actually dint want to get divorced either (just look at the number of cheaters who come back begging!)

Afraid of hurting others by leaving.

But not afraid of hurting others by fucking someone else.

Yeah that makes sense. It is out of the cheaters hand book. And cheaters often make their spouse believe along with ‘it was just a mistake’ and ‘it didn’t mean anything’ etc to keep the relationships together.

Because cheaters want to keep the status quo but also shag someone else. It’s that simple. But, clearly, don’t want an open relationship and let their partner go sleep with other people. Amazing they want their partner to remain faithful. While they are not.

Almost like cheaters are actually just thinking about themselves

Cheating is not ok. If they don't want to be in a relationship because of the other person's physical appearance and hygiene, then end the relationship.

@MyFirmQuoter there might be a relationship break down at some point but there’s also plenty of cheaters whose partners have no idea because they never gave any indication of unhappiness.

No. If you are unhappy with a partner, you LEAVE. There is no excuse for cheating, full stop.

Relationships do sometimes fall apart in a vacuum. Usually because one wants to shag someone else.

But so what if relationships ‘don’t fall apart in a vacuum’. What does that have to do with cheating?

Has someone tried to convince you it’s actually your fault they cheated or you trying to convince someone else, they are responsible for your choice?

30 stone??! If he’s not got a medical condition, it would be over for me. Even the previous 20 stone was out of control.

I expect that's what my my ex might say about me.

Of course he was doing damn all for the kids, or any household requirements (ie. anything from bills to tax returns), and, when I was heavily pregnant, he'd made some comment about my hairy legs when he was basically covered in hair from head to toe, so I'd said if he just spent a month removing all his body hair like he expected me to do, I'd go back to it - and he couldn't be bothered to, so I enjoyed the freedom he enjoyed too. Bear in mind, my body hair was nothing compared to his (which not only affected his body, but the amount of shedding and therefore hoovering was considerable)

He could have been up front so I knew to end it. He could have ended it himself. Instead he decided to ignore me and the kids, 'work away' and get up to allsorts in male saunas, with prostitutes, and with women he met in clubs, until I had what was sufficient evidence to end it myself (because I'm not a jerk)

So YABU. Grow up and be up front - end it, tell them why (even though I'm sure the reason you don't want to is it seems petty).

Cheating is never acceptable.

It's "understandable" if someone cheats - I understand the cheater to have a weak character.

I understand that I should never trust that person's vow (much less their word) and that they have very little sense of what they want or of life or how to steer their course to get it.

All very unattractive.

I think it is possible for weak people to improve and grow but the sign of that is when they take full responsibility for their actions, condemn them and can articulate why they would never do it again and what they would do differently next time. Not while they are still making excuses for choosing to sneak around deceive their partner - and seeking to blame that partner for it - rather than addressing the issue head-on or leaving.

So when I was behaving in the way you describe in you OP, due to a severe illness, during which I could barely get out of bed, it would have been acceptable for my husband to cheat.

Since having kids I have changed by opinion on cheating a bit. I can see why people stay in relationships where a partner stops being loving and supportive in order to stay with the children full time. I don’t think cheating is a good way to handle that, because of the risk of it pulling the family apart (which is what you’re trying to avoid by staying), but I do understand it.

First post nails it.