Page 4 | To think cheating is understandable if your partner lets themselves go completely?

Original poster

MyFirmQuoter · 12/04/2025 17:26

thepariscrimefiles · 12/04/2025 17:07

OK, so this isn't personal, it's just a philosophical debate?

It's just that it sounds like a personal experience. A more open and less personal question would be, for example, 'is cheating ever justified?'.

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I get why it might read as personal - topics like this often touch on people’s experiences, including our own observations or relationships.

But I really did start the thread to open up a wider conversation about the dynamics behind cheating, not just the act itself but the emotional disconnection and avoidance that can lead to it.

Whether or not it’s from lived experience doesn’t change the validity of the discussion. Sometimes the “philosophical” questions are the hardest to unpack because they sit right on the edge of real life.

OP posts:

Touchgym · 12/04/2025 17:25

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FairyMaclary · 12/04/2025 17:24

The person has three choices

A) Talk about it. Suggest counselling.
B) Put up with it
C)Divorce

D) Flirt with and shag someone else is not a great option. It’s abuse as you are risking your spouses mental and physical health. Some STDs are life changing. Cheating can cause PTSD in some victims. That’s abuse in my opinion.

Cheating is not cool, nor sexy, or attractive.

If you eventually split and divorce at some point you will be on a date and get asked: did you cheat on your ex? What’s your response A) yes but…. (Insert pathetic excuse). Then what happens?
B) No - and you continue being the liar you were in your marriage.

Cheats have a but in their fidelity. I am faithful but not if my spouse won’t find out. I am faithful but if my spouse gains weight it’s okay to rub genitals with another. I am faithful but if my spouse let themself go it’s okay to risk their sexual health.

I am faithful for ME. My husband is annoying. But nothing he does or doesn’t do can make me cheat. I stood in front of friends and family and made vows. Those were my words, given freely. Who am I if my vows mean nothing. If my word is meaningless. I want to like the lady I see in the mirror. So I stand by my word . I am faithful for me. My husband is collateral damage to my daily choice.

Cheating is easy any loser can cheat. Being faithful or ending things correctly says a lot more about someone.

BIWI · 12/04/2025 17:24

You’re male, aren't you @MyFirmQuoter?

Too much verbiage. The answer is very simple - there’s never an excuse to cheat. There’s nothing to ‘understand’.

WilfredsPies · 12/04/2025 17:23

Leaving a long-term relationship, especially one involving marriage, children or emotional history, can feel emotionally paralysing, even when it’s the “right” thing to do. That’s the complexity I was referring to, not the mechanics but the emotional blocks that keep people stuck I absolutely agree with this. It can be incredibly hard when you’re balancing the emotional needs of children and the practicalities of where you can go and what you’ll live on, against the fact that your skin crawls at the thought of your spouse coming near you because you’re desperately unhappy. It’s really tough. So what you don’t do is introduce a third party into the mix, so that any pain caused by a divorce is magnified tenfold and you’ve got the wants and needs of yet another person to take into consideration, as well as your stbex spouse and your children.

Again, none of this excuses cheating, it just acknowledges that people often avoid hard conversations or decisions and that avoidance sometimes leads to bad, damaging choices. I think it’s worth talking about why that happens, rather than pretending everyone acts rationally when they’re unhappy It happens because they are selfish and weak. They don’t want to have the conversation about separation, either because they feel guilty or it’s putting them in a bad light or it’s just going to be really difficult. So they look for a distraction from that. Something to make themselves feel good for a while. Something that makes them feel happy for a couple of sordid hours here and there. Fuck everyone else’s happiness, or the pain it will cause the people they are supposed to care about. Name one positive of an affair for the spouse who is being cheated on? Or any children involved? There are none. And that’s because it’s all about the cheater and what they want.

You can try and justify it or make excuses for it as much as you like. But, assuming one spouse wants to remain married, there is not a marriage breakdown in the world that is going to be made easier and less painful by the introduction of an affair.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 12/04/2025 17:23

MyFirmQuoter · 12/04/2025 16:15

Not at all, I don’t think love is just about the physical but I do think physical connection and mutual attraction matter in a long-term relationship.

If one partner completely stops making any effort - physically, emotionally, or even in basic self-care - it can start to feel like they’ve checked out. That doesn’t excuse cheating but I can understand how resentment or distance builds when the dynamic shifts that much. It’s more about the pattern of disconnection than just looks.

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Looks fade. People gain weight. If you’re in a long term relationship you need to accept that. It’s not an excuse to cheat. If you’re feel strongly about it, it’s a reason to leave.

Sunbeam01 · 12/04/2025 17:22

OP you've asked if cheating is acceptable yet objection handled every reason why it isn't.

It comes down to personal integrity. You either have it or you don't.

Imbusytodaysorry · 12/04/2025 17:21

@MyFirmQuoter there simply is no justification in cheating . Understandable why ? . Yes .
I mean how many is it said on here about a door being left open for a man or women to cheat if their partner, Dh , dw decided they no longer want sex. Long term that’s a decision for both people not one person to decide .

I don’t think either person should let themselves go or make decisions for both parties.

Original poster

MyFirmQuoter · 12/04/2025 17:18

Scentbird · 12/04/2025 16:59

What about the years of hard conversations once it’s found out?

Or the hard conversations about why you won’t leave your unhappy relationship for the person you are shagging?

What about the hard conversation every time you lie to your partner about where you are or who you are with, who you are texting?

What about the gaslighting you will do if they suspect? Is that not as difficult?

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I don’t disagree that the aftermath of cheating - the lying, betrayal, damage - is incredibly painful and often far more complicated than simply leaving would have been.

The problem is, people don’t always think in a linear way when they’re emotionally stuck. Fear, guilt, denial, low self-worth - all of those things can keep someone from leaving, even when they know they should. That doesn’t make what they do next okay. But it does make it human.

I think those “hard conversations” you mentioned should happen - before cheating. But a lot of people don’t know how to have them or they avoid them until it’s too late. The avoidance is what I’ve been trying to explore, not excuse.

OP posts:

Emilyclarerose · 12/04/2025 17:18

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PrincessSakura · 12/04/2025 17:18

No, being unfaithful shouldn’t ever be considered.
Have a conversation first and talk through the issues.
If nothing changes or it doesn’t work out then separate.

Imbusytodaysorry · 12/04/2025 17:17

MyFirmQuoter · 12/04/2025 16:04

Obviously cheating isn’t ideal but if someone stops trying - gains loads of weight, doesn’t shower regularly, doesn’t make any effort - is it really that shocking if their partner looks elsewhere? AIBU or just being honest about human nature?

Yes ! It’s still wrong .
They tell the truth and separate and then they are free to do as they please with whoever they may please .

SonK · 12/04/2025 17:16

Cheating is never justified. However if there no longer is attraction, divorce / separation is the answer.

Also, I think if two people love eachother then divorce should be the final solution, not something you would look into straight away.

You mentioned if one partner stops trying to make any effort etc. then the resentment leads to cheating however why not be honest and tell them?

MarkingBad · 12/04/2025 17:16

And no, this thread isn’t about trying to make sense of being cheated on. It’s about how relationships unravel and how people make flawed, sometimes destructive decisions instead of having hard conversations or leaving when they should.

If your relationship has unravelled to the point one spouse is willing to cheat, then it's time to call quits not fuck someone else.

Whatever you say OP almost no one who answers here will agree with it being understandable, it isn't, simple as.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 12/04/2025 17:16

“Let’s themselves go”!! What a weird saying. And so misogynistic.

Touchgym · 12/04/2025 17:14

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Original poster

MyFirmQuoter · 12/04/2025 17:14

WallaceinAnderland · 12/04/2025 16:57

It's not hard to understand why someone cheats OP. It's because they see benefit to themselves at the expense of their partner. It suits them to use their partner for money, childcare, housework, whatever. It's a selfish and destructive decision but it's not a mystery by any stretch of the imgination.

Are you wonder why someone cheated on you instead of ending the relationship?

I actually don’t think cheating is some unsolvable mystery but I do think it’s often more emotionally layered than just “selfishness.”

Sure, for some people it’s about taking advantage but in many cases, it’s about emotional disconnection, avoidance, feeling stuck or handling dissatisfaction badly.

And no, this thread isn’t about trying to make sense of being cheated on. It’s about how relationships unravel and how people make flawed, sometimes destructive decisions instead of having hard conversations or leaving when they should.

OP posts:

stealthsquirrelnutkin · 12/04/2025 17:13

Decent people don't cheat on their partners.

If you are tempted to cheat then the time has come to act like a responsible adult.

End the current relationship first, then you can enjoy the excitement of getting to know someone new with a clear conscience. There is never any excuse for sneaking around, lying, and being a deceitful coward.

beetr00 · 12/04/2025 17:13

MyFirmQuoter · 12/04/2025 16:58

I get the curiosity but I’d rather keep the focus on the topic than make this about my personal life.

I started the thread because I think the emotions behind cheating (and how relationships unravel) are often more layered than we admit. Whether someone’s lived it or just observed it, these dynamics affect a lot of people.

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this must be the "post-nuptial" poster, or his equally delightful sibling!! 😂

MistyMoistyMorningCloud · 12/04/2025 17:12

The dynamics that lead to infidelity are simple: a partner makes a choice and cheats.

SamDeanCas · 12/04/2025 17:10

I don’t think there is any way to justify cheating. If you’re not happy, your partner has let themselves go, stopped trying or being a complete twat, just leave.

if you feel guilty, or bad or you stay for the kids, cheating is never the solution.

Original poster

MyFirmQuoter · 12/04/2025 17:09

BlueTitShark · 12/04/2025 16:48

I think it’s possible to hold space for both: that cheating is wrong and that relationship don’t usually fall apart in a vacuum. Exploring that doesn’t mean excusing it.

I think that if you want to explore what’s going on when rekationship fall apart, a good starting point is to NOT pin that down on ONE and only reason or partner. The reasons are likely multi factorial.

So your person (and I’m pretty sure you’re thinking the woman there) who has gained lots of weight, isn’t taking care of her appearance, does she have a supportive partner that will step up, wo bring asked, so she can go agd exercise? One that gets up at night so she can get uninterrupted sleep?
Are they both able to communicate their needs? And do they listen to each other rather than taking each other for granted?

I dint believe that when cheating happens or relationships break down, there is ONE person at fault. Pointing fingers and shaming one person doesn’t help anyone.

I do think that cheating shows a certain level of morals or rather lack of.
Most people have massive hesitations before leaving. It doesn’t mean they then cheat.
And a lot of cheaters actually dint want to get divorced either (just look at the number of cheaters who come back begging!)

I actually agree with most of what you’ve said here. I don’t believe relationships breakdowns come down to one person or one flaw and I never said the person who “let themselves go” was solely at fault. The point I was trying to make is that disconnection and resentment tend to build over time and both partners contribute to that in different ways.

I’ve said repeatedly that cheating is wrong, and that leaving, not betraying, is the mature route. But I also think it’s with examining the dynamics that leads to infidelity, especially when both people have stopped showing up for each other. It’s not about shaming one partner or excusing poor behaviour, it’s about understanding how relationships unravel in reality, not just theory.

I really appreciate your response, it brings in the kind of depth and nuance I hope to explore when I started the thread.

OP posts:

MistyMoistyMorningCloud · 12/04/2025 17:09

Some people may make truly irrational decisions when they are in the midst of serious mental illness. In any situation besides that or abuse you are making a choice. Serious mental illness is not, in my humble opinion, caused by a chubby or grubby partner. Feeling a lack of connection or lack of attraction again is not a serious and exempting mental illness in my view.

Most people I know who have cheated did it because they wanted to, were too cowardly to leave their partners before testing out a future partner, or simply wanted a shag and didn't care about others.

JustSawJohnny · 12/04/2025 17:09

Cheating is NEVER understandable.

If you want out, get out and start a new relationship.

Absolutely no need to go behind someone's back.

This kind of bollox is how some women give excuses for men's poor behaviour and, well, fuck THAT!

MarkingBad · 12/04/2025 17:08

Are you trying to understand why your partner cheated?