To think cheating is understandable if your partner lets themselves go completely?

If you are inclined to cheat then go ahead and do it, there will be consequences and they won't be nice...

absolutely not being unreasonable. Its even in the wedding vows ‘For richer or poorer, better or worse, all the days of our lives forever and ever, (oh except if you are a munter of course, then I’m gonna bang Kathy from accounts and you can’t be mad!) Amen’.

Kind of relevant, why women lose weight and glow up after divorce.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNdNE84R7/

Lol, imagine if men used that excuse (although I'm sure many do)...

"She had a baby a few years ago, she's put on loads of weight, has stretchmarks, has let herself go, and no longer looks like the woman I married..."

No, a partner “ letting themselves go” doesn’t justify cheating.

But, I’ll be honest and admit that it can cause relationship tensions when it’s not caused by a medical condition and the partner refuses to address it.

My DH has good hygiene, has no medical conditions ( he has an annual physical), has always had good MH, and is about two stone overweight. His doctor has advised him to lose the extra weight, but he isn’t. He likes snacking and buys himself large bags of crisps, chips ( as in chips and salsa), pretzels, etc.

I do sometimes feel resentful, because i can’t understand why he doesn’t try harder! No one else in our household is overweight, because we don’t eat those bloomin’ snacks! If he cut down on them, I think a stone would fall off him tbh.

It also bugs me as I have an underactive thyroid and had two large babies, yet I work to maintain a healthy weight. Not as slim as I was 20 years ago, but still in the healthy range.

But, I’m not going to cheat on the daft bugger, he has to decide to address his weight and get rid of his middle-aged tummy.

I think it's the lazy option. The other two options could be help your partner if theyre struggling mentally or leave. Staying and cheating is the most pathetic of the three.

100%

Cheating, as in being with others and lying/covering it up is always wrong/selfish…. It’s trying to have your cake and eat it by denying the other person the knowledge and power they deserve to make their own decisions.

I do think in the kind of circumstances you describe OP there is a more transparent option prior to the leaving…. Assuming you have raised these issues, asked for change and been open to changing yourself…. And no improvement,,,, then I think asking for an open marriage is very reasonable…. Or, in extremis, declaring one. Ie say to your partner “I love you, respect you, think we make a great team and want stability for the kids…. However, over years now, this aspect of our marriage has made me unhappy and it hasn’t improved, despite me raising it and trying to help make it better. So I want you to know I can’t continue like this. From now on, I may be pursuing sexual contact with others. I’ll do this responsibly, with care for your and my health, and I can do it as discreetly or transparently as you want. We can talk about boundaries of how we might do this if you want. But I don’t want to lie to you and pretend it’s not happening or pretend everything is ok in this way. If you prefer to break up, I understand and respect that. But I can no longer continue living the way we have been.”

No, cheating is never ok.
Leave if you're not happy.

Ideally this should not happen, but if it does, there are so many factors involved. Children, for example. I think it is extremely selfish to divorce if the cheater in question is a good parent, good provider and nobody knows about this cheating and this cheating does not affect family life outwardly. My friend found out and split from her partner. Overnight her and her dc lifestyle plummeted. He is self-employed, he moved out to his parents and left her in the rented flat. He and his accountant made sure he paid next to nothing to himself, ploughing all his income into his 'equipment, training, attending conferences', showing zero profit. He moved into his parents' house, then claimed he was depressed and stopped working for a year. Went to court to ensure she lets dc visit him on week-ends. I have never seen a broken person like that my friend became. She hates her mother and her friends for advising her to 'drop him and go after him and his money'.

If I were a man (I am a woman) and if my wife cheated, there is no way I would divorce and throw her out because dc need their mother more than anyone.

And I don't understand this 'letting him/herself go' - I love my dh now so much more than when I married him, I can't even describe it and he lost hair, has a belly now, i.e. he let himself go, but is it not just normal aging?

We are proactive about attraction in our relationship, so if he started gaining weight I’d tell him. It wouldn’t get to the point he was so fat I didn’t find him attractive. If he stopped showering, in the first instance it wouldn’t probably be a “babe get in the shower you stink”, but if it was a reoccurring issues I would be concerned for his mental health. If he stopped making an effort I’d be worried, maybe worried he’s cheating or about his mental health, it’s hard to say because it’s not happened. I don’t think I would let it get to the point where I wanted to cheat and I know he wouldn’t.

Most of the times I’ve heard “she let herself go” argument comes from men whose wives just had a baby. Often from dads who don’t really do much to help… the only reason I lost baby weight was because I could leave them with DP while I exercised, and I wasn’t worried because I know he’s present and competent. I am very sceptical about the “she let herself go and gained weight/didn't lose the baby weight” line from men especially, because until you have a child you don’t know how hard it is.

At the end of the day, there’s no excuse. If you love them you should speak up before it gets to the point you lose attraction. If it’s past the point of no return, leave.

I agree it’s emotionally layered.

It’s not just selfishness that causes someone to cheat but it does suggest poor/undesirable personality traits.

Needs an ego boost. Inability to self soothe. Poor communicator. Prepared to lie or omit the truth. Require smoke up the arse. Low self esteem. People pleaser. Cowardice. Addiction issues.

Double standards. Thinks it’s okay to play by different rules. Arrogance. Abusive. Okay with putting your spouse at risk of STDs. Selfish.

It’s really not cool. I’d run a mile if a person I was dating said they had cheated on a spouse as it suggests they have undesirable personality traits.

I think it’s possible people can grow from this but it’s not worth the risk (to me), too many decent people. I would end the date as quickly as possible.

If someone is unhappy - talk, fix/shut up or walk.

Reasons can be anything - Wife works too hard in the office - so I missed the attention and felt emasculated, whereas stay at home Susan cooks homemade cake and her nails are so pretty.

My wife doesn’t work and Susan in the office works 60 hours a week, climbs mountains on a Sunday and can wield a chainsaw.

It’s all bollocks and is just to justify the cheats poor choices.

Hmmmm, like an overworked, over committed mum with a husband that is spick and span but never lifts a finger with housework, childcare, school run etc?

Yeah, the cheating is not understandable. What would be understanding would be kicking his lazy arse out.

Has your wife had the audacity to gain a few pounds since you met @MyFirmQuoter ?

Only trash people try to rationalise their cheating.

Leave.

Just leave. Divorce, separate.

Or be honest and open. Tell them that given they have “let themselves go” you will be now be having sex with other people.

Give them the chance to leave you.

If your unhappy leave
don’t be a coward

So you want to know the reasons why people cheat not if it’s right or wrong ? That I can give you plenty ( I deal with enough divorces ) . Partners with incompatible libidos , partners who gave up on the relationships , partners that developed medical issues including MH issues so stopped wanting sex . Above all what I see between couples where one or both end up cheating is resentment towards each other for daily things like she gives to much attention to children , he doesn’t give me enough attention or helps enough etc etc etc .
In the last 10 years I also had a lot of women cheating with other women ( in heterosexual marriages ) , I would say a lot more than hetero men cheating with men . There is such a huge array of excuses that even after 15 years I still get shocked at times .
None of them makes cheating morally correct imo.

The clue is in the word - “cheating”. It is dishonest.

And that's what love is isn't it. You don't just stop feelings for someone "letting themselves go", we always want to help and understand the people we love regardless.

What you describe in your OP sounds like depression. If my husband stopped showering/taking care of himself I would be too worried about him and how to help him to think about sex- let alone sex with someone who isn’t him. I’d like to think he would feel the same if the roles were reversed.

Whether or not it’s from lived experience doesn’t change the validity of the discussion. Sometimes the “philosophical” questions are the hardest to unpack because they sit right on the edge of real life.

Ahh so pretentious bullshit then.

No wonder you keep trying to push the same bollocks post after post even in the face of almost complete rejection of the idea.

I did philosophy A Level, that was pretentious bollocks too.

No, cheating is never acceptable, it's damaging and tears people apart.

If you are not happy, leave.

@Touchgym & @BIWI of course the op is male (and hopefully single!)

Funny. One dickhead I know superficially justified his decision to cheat on his wife stating she "didn't make any effort, had let herself go". Ofcourse she ought to have been groomed and styled when he came home from work. She only had a baby and 2-year old and a 4-year old to care for🙄

No. It’s not understandable. It’s a choice that weak, selfish, morally bankrupt people make because they want to have their cake and eat it.
Your posts are just spouting twaffle.