To think cheating is understandable if your partner lets themselves go completely?

👆

@housethatbuiltme I don’t really understand what you mean, but you implied that anyone leaving their partner because of changes in their mind/body was ableist. I don’t think that’s fair.

There is no relationship that cannot be made worse by fucking or attempting to fuck, someone else.
If my DH stopped showering (he showers every day, has for the many decades we’ve been together) I wouldn’t be thinking about shagging someone else, I’d be looking to get help (medical or psychological) for him.

If you're not happy you talk about it. It that doesn't work you end the relationship BEFORE you start the next one.

It's better to leave a relationship like that than cheat.
Cheating isn't dealing with the core problem really.

No, cheating is mean and two faced and just horrible. If you have raised the issues, tried to support them and you can't be eith them anymore then leave first.

Sometimes the “philosophical” questions are the hardest to unpack because they sit right on the edge of real life.

This isn't hard to unpack! Nobody agrees with you. You're wrong.

People can feel emotionally stuck, afraid of hurting others or hopeful that things will change.

And how would it be understandable to cheat if this was the case? You're hoping your partner will change, but in the meantime you'll get a bit of sex elsewhere?

You don't want to hurt them by ending it, so you'll do it by hopping into bed with John from Finance?

Did you just tell the person with a brain injury they are 'sheltered' and that its not MH then exactly describe MH issues and basically that I don't understand and then give a story about someone being left because they suffered a brain injury.

I face ableism due to my condition every day, luckily for me my husband loves me.

I think I can absolutely understand the temptation.

Most people have a family life etc which they may not want to let go of or upend but may feel apathy towards their partner for many reasons, I think the death of emotional intimacy is often the killer blow because if you lose your physical attraction to someone love is sometimes still enough. I can understand feeling let down in your marriage or feeling like there’s probably more out there.

I just think if it’s so bad it can’t be improved then it’s probably the time to leave.

No. I divorced my ex for the exact same reason - he ballooned and became morbidly obese. No health issues, just ate lots of utter shit. Refused to stop, refused to lose weight. I'm not fucking a lard-arse, it's gross. Him huffing and puffing on top of me with sweat from his lard dripping on my face. No, thanks. I equally support a man who'd leave his fat wife. Gaining a bit of weight as you age is perfectly normal. Becoming size 18 or equivalent - is not. I didn't sign up for this.

However, I do understand why people cheat in certain situations. There was a thread from a woman the other day. Early 40s, she just decided that's it, her sex days are over, don't want it anymore, so won't have sex ever again and her husband should just suck it up. She herself said her husband is a kind, decent and supportive man, but she just doesn't want to have sex anymore.

In that case, I'd leave, personally. But I can understand if he'd cheat instead. And I wouldn't blame him.

This.

Actually that should go on the list wirh
penguin bollards
Ballonz
Burn the cheque

and all the other MN wisdom

Divorce first then do what you want.

Nope no justification at all for cheating. That's what ending the relationship first is for

Of course it's not understandable, OP. It's not mandatory to be in a relationship. People who are weak and have no moral fibre cheat. People who stay with a partner they no longer love or respect are also weak with no moral fibre ( unless there is DV- I appreciate there is nuance.)

I'm not sure what you're looking for, OP

Yes. Separating is always understandable if you've gone off someone for whatever reason. Staying with someone because they pay the mortgage or look after the kids and then cheat isn't understandable.

@housethatbuiltme I wonder if you’ve perhaps led a very sheltered life, but I can tell you that lack of self care does not always come hand in hand with MH problems. Some people just decide they can’t be bothered any more. Our personalities change as we go through life. Priorities change. Some people decide they don’t want to shower or clean their teeth more than once a week.

I knew someone who was a devout Christian, as was her husband. They were very conservative, didn’t swear, didn’t drink, spoke gently and respectfully to each other and everyone else. Then one day he was involved in an accident and suffered a brain injury. He recovered physically but his personality changed. He become rude, abrasive, swore a lot, talked disrespectfully to her, made constant sexual comments. The opposite of the man she’d married. She eventually left him, feeling terrible about it, because it was against her faith to end her marriage. Do you think she was being ablest? After all, it wasn’t his fault.

If you don’t want to be with someone anymore, or want to be with someone else, you should leave them. Not go behind their back.

I know someone IRL ( I no longer speak to him) whose wife was in a serious car accident. She physically recovered, suffered a brain injury that she largely recovered from, but obviously it took months.

During that time, he hooked up with an old gf, because his marriage “wasn’t the same” as it had been. 😡 They split up and I literally couldn’t speak to him or his nasty gf.

What was incredible was that he didn’t seem to understand why I no longer wanted to be friends! He’s such a louse.

Someone lets themselves go? You mean the person who doesn't find the other attractive, well just leave

Have a medal x

I love my husband for him as a person not his looks... he could be burned to a crisp, waist away, struggle with hygiene due to MH and have his face ripped off by sharks I would still love him.

This isn't just shallow but is also disgustingly ablest.

If you don't love someone anymore break up with them, don't toy with their emotions and treat them like doormat so you can have your cake and eat it, its just a shitty selfish thing to do.

I think cheating is understandable in certain situations. It’s not right, but life isn’t always straightforward. I’ve never cheated and I’ve never been married, so I’ve got no agenda here. Just using my imagination.

Couple with kids own a house between them, both working, earning just enough to cover bills and mortgage. Neither of them could individually afford to buy a house big enough to have the kids stay over.

Husband’s job changes so he works from home, and doesn’t have to meet people any more. He stops showering, doesn’t clean his teeth, eats crap all day, gains several stone. Refuses to help with any childcare, doesn’t clear away any of his mess, doesn’t do any household chores. As soon as his working day is over, he sits on the settee drinking beer in the same clothes he’s worn for the past 2 weeks.
Wife is run ragged. She works full time out of the home, comes home to a mess every day, does all the child related stuff, all the cooking, cleaning etc, literally everything. She begs her husband to help but he says he can’t be bothered.
She assumes he must be depressed because he wasn’t always like this, but he says he’s fine, just says he’s enjoying not having to get dressed up for the office any more. Flatly refuses to admit there’s a problem. Won’t shower, won’t wash, won’t clean his teeth, won’t help out.
Eventually wife says she’s had enough, says she wants to split up. “Fine” he says, “but I’m not moving. If you want to split, you can move out”. Except she can’t afford it on her own, so she’s stuck. And she can’t rent a tiny flat, because there wouldn’t be room for the kids.

So they carry on as they are. Wife gets more and more depressed, holding everything together while her husband does nothing. Not sleeping because he smells so bad. No sex of course. She doesn’t find him attractive any more, because of the smell and the 10 stone he’s gained. And the attitude. Her life is pretty miserable, she feels exhausted and unhappy, and she can’t see an end to it.
Then someone at work starts paying her attention. He’s nice, funny, clean, attentive, interested in her, makes her feel like she’s more than just a skivvy. Eventually they start an affair.

It’s not right, but you can see how someone might get to that point.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNdNE84R7/ .

sorry, previous link didn’t work

I personally wouldn’t find it shocking if a partner cheated and eventually left under these circumstances